Screen Caps from WWF Royal Rumble 1994
The WWE Raw Report – January 2, 2017
THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 2, 2017
AMALIE ARENA – TAMPA, FL
Happy New Year Everyone! Bobby Mayo kicking things off the right way. I hope anyway. Let’s see what Vince does to teach Smackdown a lesson for beating Raw in the ratings. I shudder to think.
– MICK FOLEY / OWENS & JERICHO / STEPH SEGMENT –
Mick Foley arrives to the ring first. He’s now sporting a homeless man’s haircut and has shaved his beard down to just a goatee. Foley has 2 New Year’s Resolutions. One, he will start writing the name of the city he’s in on his hand after screwing up a week or two back. Second, something about Jericho in the Shark Cage. The Shark Cage is sitting on the stage. I’m having Robocop flashbacks.
To the BFF’s. Jericho and Owens make their way to the ring. Jericho doesn’t want to be hanged like a ‘sexy pinata’. Foley holds his ground. Foley gives Kevin Owens his own talk show. The Kevin Owens show. It will be tonight and the first guest will be Goldberg.
To the Bitch Steph. Now Stephanie is here too. She books Jericho vs. Reigns for the U.S. Title tonight. Didn’t they just do that? Reigns will lose the title even on a DQ or count out. Jericho wants Seth Rollins banned from ringside tonight.
Foley completely fucks up his lines and wants to ban Jericho from ringside. HE’S IN THE MATCH YOU FUCKTARD! Foley meant Owens.
Stephanie tries to recover. She books Owens vs. Rollins tonight and the loser will be banned from the U.S. Title match. Stephanie brings up Raw losing to Smackdown in the ratings. I knew that was coming. Steph is determined to get the ratings back.
If that’s a precursor to this episode we’re in big fuckin’ trouble.
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. KEVIN OWENS –
The loser here is banned from ringside during the U.S. Title match with Reigns and Jericho later tonight. The Universal Title is not on the line here. Owens sent to the floor immediately and Rollins dives out onto him. KO takes over and sends Seth into the barricade. KO dominates the next few minutes keeping Rollins grounded. Seth finally fires back with the Blockbuster and Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Apparently Owens regained control with a DDT during the break. Senton gets 2 on Seth. Rollins is back dropped out to the floor. Owens tries the Cannonball against the barricade but Rollins moves out of harm’s way. Kicks are traded in the ring. Seth leaps over a pop up powerbomb and connects with an enzuigiri after landing. Owens gets driven into the buckle. Seth follows up with the Slingblade. KO blocks a pedigree but gets sent to the floor. Rollins suicide dive on KO.
They fight their way over to the time keeper area. Owens clocks Rollins with the ring bell and gets disqualified after 11:15.
Winner is Seth Rollins
Owens knows he fucked up, he is now banned from ringside later tonight. KO seemed upset but not over the top.
A couple of good spots in the match but this was meant to further the angles rather than be a quality match. The guys did fine but this was not ‘must see’ in the slightest.
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– CESARO VS. KARL ANDERSON –
We’re moving right into this. I guess Goldust doesn’t get any revenge.
Sheamus is joining commentary for this match. Luke Gallows has accompanied Anderson to ringside. Anderson with a monkey flip but Cesaro lands on his feet. A fucking loud uppercut floors Anderson. Cesaro with a hanging dead weight gutwrench suplex for 2. Gallows gets the attention of Cesaro and Anderson levels Cesaro with a flying kick to the face knocking him off the apron to the floor. Raw takes a break.
Raw rolls on. Cesaro breaks a chinlock with a fucking hanging dead weight vertical suplex. Holy fuck. That was insane. Cesaro misses an uppercut in the corner, Anderson with a jumping boot for 2. Cesaro with a double jump reverse cross body. Fucking thing of beauty. Gallows distracts to stop the Swing. This brings Sheamus to ringside. Anderson with a spinebuster on Cesaro gets 2. Now we have Gallows and Sheamus both at ringside. Cesaro launches with the springboard uppercut for another near fall.
Anderson blocks the Sharpshooter by grabbing the ropes. Anderson connects with a running knee to the head. Karl gets dropkicked while sitting on the top rope. Uppercut by Cesaro sends Karl to the mat for 2. Cesaro hooks An derson for a Superplex, Gallows gets on the apron. Sheamus pulls Gallows off which causes the ropes to shake and Cesaro to get crotched. Anderson launches off the top with a flying neckbreaker to end the match after 9:50.
Winner is Karl Anderson
The announcers make sure to mention that Sheamus may have been the one to unintentionally cost Cesaro the match.
* Braun Strowman vs. Sami Zayn feud Video. After reading these Royal Rumble and WrestleMania rumors this past week I’m starting to get scared with this Strowman push. Even though he sucks it’s been harmless for the most part so far. But now with Rumble and Mania season here I’m not sure I’m going to like where this shit goes over the next couple of months.
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Well, I see they’ve altered shit quite a bit this week after those ratings came in. Most weeks there’s anywhere from 3 to 10 minutes of wrestling in the first hour of Raw. This week there’s already been 21 minutes. Smackdown stopped doing the 3 minute matches and won the ratings last week so if I know Vince I’d bet Smackdown are back to 3 minute matches this week. Smackdown beat Raw? We can’t have that!
* To the Goldberg Video. A video recap of Goldberg’s return, his defeat of Lesnar, and his Rumble announcement. Four weeks out and only two people seem interested in being in the Rumble match.
– LAST MAN STANDING: SAMI ZAYN VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
Zayn is sporting a black eye which they claim to be from last week. I have no idea but I wouldn’t doubt it. Strowman can be very reckless and careless. Strowman chases Zayn outside of the ring and Braun runs right into a KENDO STICK TO THE FUCKING FACE! FUCK YEAH! Strowman takes some cane shots but then flings Zayn across the ring. Sami grabs another kendo stick and goes to work on Braun.
Zayn with a moonsault off the barricade but Strowman catches him and hits Snake Eyes on the barricade to Zayn. Sami is up by the count of 5. Strowman has cane welts everywhere. Zayn sends Braun into the post three times. Zayn tries the diving tornado DDT through the ropes, but Braun punches him right in the face. Fucking ouch. Zayn is up at 6.
Braun begins with the stiff body attack in the corner and forearms. Somebody fucks up a shitty shoulder tackle spot. Zayn rolls to the floor to get to his feet at 7. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on and Braun throws Zayn off the entrance ramp. They’re at the announcer’s stage and now they head into the backstage area. Zayn with a STEAL PIPE to the head of Strowman. Strowman sells shit but then no sells it 5 seconds later. Braun almost kills Zayn after throwing a giant speaker case at him just barely missing.
Zayn takes a chair to Strowman. Fuck this shit. Zayn’s only offense is with weapons, Strowman won’t even drop to a knee. This is fucking stupid. They head back to the stage. Strowman beats on Zayn, Sami retaliates with the steel chair. Zayn boots the chair into Strowman. Zayn with a running cross body and both guys fall off the stage through a table. They’re both back up by 5. Way to sell that shit Strowman.
Strowman starts no selling chair shots and begins manhandling Zayn back to the ring. Running powerslam on the floor. Zayn makes it up before 10. Braun pummels the shit out of Zayn some more. Strowman with another powerslam on the floor. Fuck this shitty booking. This time Zayn is down for the 10 count. Match goes 16:00.
Winner is Strowman
Mick Foley and EMT’s are out to place Zayn on a stretcher. Strowman rushes at Zayn and knocks over the stretcher. Let’s add more bullshit to the already bullshit match.
Sami jobs AGAIN. What is the point of that? This helps him how? Oh yeah, they’re only interested in getting Braun over. Because he’s big and all.
The crowd seemed to like portions of the match mainly because of all the weapons being used. Strowman sold some cane shots and chair shots as they were happening but then he’d just no sell after a few seconds like it never happened. Zayn wasn’t allowed any WRESTLING offense in this match. How dare Zayn hold his own as a wrestler with the great Braun Strowman. Strowman was up at FUCKING FIVE after getting body blocked off the stage through a table and then he no sold everything after that and just killed Zayn.
I’m not going to say the match sucked because it was OK as a match. I will say the structure of the match fucking sucked and sucking fucked. Then because Zayn wasn’t dead enough they had Strowman kill him some more to give Braun even more heat. Six months ago Zayn is having show stealing matches with Owens, for months now he’s been used as a fucking tackling dummy for this asshole Strowman. I don’t even like Zayn as a personality but I know he can wrestle. I hope he gets some kind of compensation as a token of appreciation for playing bitch to Strowman every week. It’s like Zack Ryder and Kane all over again.
* To the Extraordinary Gentleman. Jack Gallagher is backstage teaching New Day how to use an umbrella as a weapon.
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– NEW DAY MEETS THE TITUS BRAND –
New Day have all entered the Royal Rumble. That makes 5 out of 30. Apparently they have no aspirations of regaining those tag titles. I can live with that. So we’re less than 4 weeks out, 5 names confirmed for the Rumble match and all of them from Raw.
* To the Titus Brand. Titus O’Neil interrupts and that officially means this segment will not be good nor funny. Titus wants to join New Day. He dances. He plays the whistle. New Day knows Titus blows.
Titus wants to be on the box of Booty O’s, but Woods says people wish Titus was on a milk carton. O’Neil calls Woods the weak link of New Day. Woods challenges Titus to a match. O’Neil shoves him down. The match is on.
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– XAVIER WOODS VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
We’ll call this the….. ‘We have nothing for New Day right now so let’s kill some time and make an ass out of Titus in the process’ portion of the show. Woods lands the roaring elbow early but then runs right into a Titus Brand Boot. Titus slams Woods and toys with him. Titus has killed the crowd. Woods fights back with some kicks and O’Neil falls to the floor. Woods clears the top rope with a somersault dive onto Titus. O’Neil catches a high cross body back in the ring and hits a backbreaker and flings Xavier across the ring. Woods counters Titus into a sunset flip and he wins the match in under 4:00. The crowd has no reaction.
Winner is Woodsy
Titus killed the fucking crowd dead.
* To the Bitch Steph. She’s in the back shitting on Bayley. She tells Bayley she didn’t want to draft her, Foley did. Stephanie says all the attributes Charlotte has while Bayley is ordinary like the fans. Bayley says she belongs here and nothing will stop her from achieving her dreams. Steph books a #1 contender match tonight between Bayley and Nia Jax. The winner meets Charlotte at the Rumble. I guess Bayley didn’t have money for an attorney to overturn last week’s decision.
* To Foxy Alexander. It’s Cedric and Alicia Fox walking the halls. They run into Noam Dar who wants to apologize to Cedric. Cedric says Dar needs to apologize to Fox. He apologizes then calls Fox ‘sweet cheeks’ and runs away. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? SECOND GRADE? And Dar’s accent may be the most irritating fucking voice I’ve ever heard.
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– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. DREW GULAK –
Austin Aries joins commentary. Tony Nese accompanies Gulak. Fox is with Cedric. Alexander with a back flip into a head scissors. Gulak soon takes over. Crowd is still completely fucking silent from the Titus match. Stiff back elbow by Cedric and a handspring enzuigiri. Crowd still doesn’t care. Nese on the apron, Fox pulls him off. Cedric becomes distracted and Gulak rolls him up for the win in maybe 2:00.
Winner is Drew Gulak
the crowd is absolutely SILENT and Fox continues to cost Cedric his matches. I’m not certain how that gets a man over.
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Rolling into hour #3 and Raw has had about 21 or 22 minutes of wrestling in each of the first two hours. Probably going to be about the same in hour 3. Still no advertising of the return of the Undertaker or Shawn Michaels next week.
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
Kevin Owens is barred from ringside. If Reigns loses by DQ or count out he loses the title. Reigns Samoan drop very early on for 2. Crowd is back awake and they’re 50/50 on Roman. Jericho with a missile dropkick to the jaw of Reigns for 2. Jericho misses a leg straddle on the rope and takes a shitty looking bump. Reigns attempts to gain control but Jericho dropkicks him off the apron. Reigns tries for a Drive By on the floor but Jericho moves and sends Roman knee and face first into the steel post. REIGNS JUST BEATS THE TEN COUNT BACK INSIDE! Raw takes a time out.
Raw rolls on. Jericho tries a bulldog but gets sent into the corner. Reigns with a series of clotheslines and back suplex bomb for 2. Jericho blocks a Superman punch. Reigns gets his knees up on a Lionsault. Jericho blocks a spear. Reigns counters a Codebreaker into a powerbomb, but Jericho counters the powerbomb into a rana into the WALLS. Reigns counters with a small package for 2.
Jericho leaps off the top rope right into a Superman Punch. JERICHO BARELY KICKS OUT. Jericho dodges a spear, twice and Roman goes into the post. Jericho removes the top turnbuckle padding right in front of the referee. While the ref puts the pad back on Jericho grabs the U.S. Title. Jericho tosses Reigns the title and takes a giant bump. The ref turns around and see Reigns with the belt and Jericho laid out. Eddie Guerrero style.
Reigns talks his way out of a disqualification but Jericho uses the distraction for a CODEBREAKER! 1–2–REIGNS KICKS OUT.
Jericho charges Reigns in the corner, Roman moves and Jericho knocks himself loopy as he hits the exposed buckle. Jericho turns into a SPEAR. Reigns wins yet again in 13:00.
Winner is Reigns
Good tease on the count out early in the match and the DQ late in the match. Poor decision on the finish. Jericho has been great with this character and killing it on promos but he’s moving in slow motion in the ring. His corner bumps are terrible, and some of his offense like his rana just looks like slow motion.
They’ve had so many opportunities to do some tweaking and do some things with Jericho/Owens and shift the Reigns character but they just refuse to let the asshole lose a fucking match.
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– TJ PERKINS VS. BRIAN KENDRICK –
We’re back to this match. Aries is back on commentary. Time to kill the crowd again. Kendrick jumps Perkins but TJ is quick to retaliate with fast strikes and a couple of near falls. Evil Neville watches from the back. Kendrick drops TJ’s throat across the rope in a fucking awesome spot that receives no noise.
Kendrick rushes into a superkick from TJ but Kendrick crotches TJ on the top. It winds up being Perkins with a haracan rana off the top onto Brian. Crowd barely makes a pop. Sad. Kendrick tries Sliced Bread #2, but Perkisn turns it into a Detonation Kick and the kneebar ends it in 2:30.
Winner is Perkins
Kendrick goes from Champion to job guy in a month. You can see the pecking order changing rapidly. The crowd sat on their hands for this one.
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* TO THE EMMALINA. She’s still coming. Will we see her before 2018?
– RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL VS. BIG CASS –
This was announced as a tag team match but Enzo is still riding in a wheel chair. They say he was re-injured over the weekend at a house show. This is now a 2 on 1 handicap match. Mahal is ‘foreign’ so he gets to be in a de facto storyline instead of doing the dark match or ‘Main Event’ for a few weeks. Cass sends Mahal outside quickly but the distraction leads to Rusev hitting the jumping kick to the head of Cass. Rusev wins the match in less than a minute. How you doin’?
Winners are Rusev and Jinder
At least it was quick.
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– BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –
This is to determine the #1 contender for the Raw Women’s Title. The winner will meet Charlotte at the Royal Rumble. Speaking of Charlotte, she has joined commentary. Before the match we’re reminded of what Jax did to Sasha Banks 2 weeks ago. That’s not foreshadowing or anything.
Jax with a shoulder breaker and she just beats the shit out of Bayley early. Jax with some reckless offense that could have really hurt Bayley. Sloppy shit by Jax. Nia misses a shoulder charge in the corner but doesn’t sell it at all, she just checks her mouth. Jax continues on offense with a Dusty elbowdrop and a legdrop. Jax climbs to the middle rope when Sasha Banks music hits. Sasha comes out in a knee brace walking onto the stage. Jax becomes distracted and Bayley leaps up for a Super Bayley to Belly after 3:20.
Winner is Bayley
I didn’t care for how all of Bayley’s offense was just moving out of the way of things and causing Jax to hit the corner buckles. They should book Bayley stronger going into the Rumble. Charlotte doesn’t sell Bayley’s win at all and says she will beat her at the Ruble.
Sasha Banks celebrates with Bayley in the aisle while she locks eyes with Jax.
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* The Undertaker returns next week on Raw.
* Shawn Michaels returns next week on Raw.
Take that Smackdown!
Goldberg this week, Taker and HBK next week. Maybe the Headbangers will return to Smackdown again in rebuttal.
– THE KEVIN OWENS SHOW WITH GOLDBERG–
The ominous shark cage is still looming on the stage. Chris Jericho accompanies Owens to the ring for this segment. There is a fucking guy standing in the ring as a prop with a giant ‘Kevin Owens Show’ sign as his face. It’s fucking hilarious!
Owens builds up his first guest with compliments before announcing his guest as Chris Jericho. Jericho announces that he has joined the Royal Rumble match. He says he’s the third man to join. He must have missed the New Day segment. Owens doesn’t look to happy with Jericho being in the Rumble. Jericho says if he wins and they fight at Mania then no matter who wins they’ll still be co-champions.
Goldberg’s theme cuts them off. Goldberg heads to the ring. He absorbs the sparks, inhales the smoke, and heads to the ring. Goldberg tells Jericho that if he’s in the Rumble match, then he’s next. Goldberg takes his jacket off and throws a lawn chair out of the ring. Jericho alludes to adding Goldberg to the list but Goldberg cuts him off.
Owens says that Goldberg doesn’t scare him and that he can throw furniture too. Owens tosses a desk and some chair out of the ring. KO and Goldberg go nose to nose and talk shit.
Paul Heyman interrupts them. Heyman has a spoiler. The Rumble will be Eat, Sleep, Elimination, Repeat. Goldberg says he will take care of Lesnar at the Rumble and then take care of Owens or Reigns at WrestleMania.
This doesn’t sit well with Roman Reigns who joins in on the segment. Reigns informs KO that he’s not winning at the Rumble. Reigns will win. Which brings Reigns to Goldberg. They go face to face.
BRAUN STROWMAN interrupts. Fuuuuuck me. It ALMOST got interesting for a minute then this sheep fucker comes out.
Jericho and Owens leave the ring. Strowman says he’s winning the Rumble and he joins Goldberg and Reigns in the ring.
DOUBLE SPEAR ON STROWMAN
Reigns has some parting words for Goldberg and Goldberg is left alone in the ring to celebrate.
Well that segment had all types of possibilities and fell flat. The crowd really didn’t respond loudly at the close of the show. At least we have some names in the Rumble match finally.
The WWE Raw Report – December 26, 2016
THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 26, 2016
ALLSTATE ARENA – CHICAGO, IL
Hey guys, hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. It’s the final Raw of 2016. Thank God for that!
* Last week on Raw, Braun Strowman got pushed beyond his level of usefulness and pretty much killed everyone in his way. All he wanted was Sami Zayn but that somehow led to him attacking Rollins and Reigns.
– STEPHANIE MCMAHON / ROLLINS / REIGNS SEGMENT –
Steph mentions Mick Foley isn’t here. The crowd immediately busts out a ‘CM PUNK’ chant and Stephanie responds. She tells the fans that if they can chant that for another 2:15 that their chant will last longer than Punk did. WOWWWWWWW. Fuck you khunt!
Vince must call an audible and sends Seth Rollins out a minute into the promo. Faster than usual. Rollins shits on Triple H for being a coward and not answering his challenges. Seth knows Triple H isn’t here but he wants to fight Braun Strowman.
Now we have Roman Reigns joining in the ring. Crowd boos the fucking shit out of Reigns and chants “please don’t talk’ and ‘CM Punk’. Reigns wants Strowman too. This crowd despises Reigns.
Stephanie teases reuniting all three Shield members tonight for one night only. The crowd bites it hook, line, and sinker and pops like mad. That’ll be hard since Ambrose is at MSG tonight. Steph then tells the fans they’re suckers and fell for it and tough shit cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
Instead, Stephanie books Rollins vs. Strowman, and informs Reigns that he will defend his U.S. Title tonight against a challenger of her choice to be named later. Right now we have a tag team title rematch.
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– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. NEW DAY –
Fans holding up a “Cesarow” sign. Get it? Cesaro – Row. Cesarow. Well I thought it was clever.
Looks like we have Kofi and Woods as the challengers here. This is the first time I remember Big E sitting out. Woods about knocks Sheamus sill when the match starts for a quick cover but can’t keep him down. New Day is aggressive as all fuck. First knocking Sheamus around and then a rapid fire assault on Cesaro in the corner. Cesaro and Woods battle when Sheamus grabs Woods from behind and sends him backwards over the top to the floor. Raw takes a break here.
Raw rolls on. Champs still have control. Woods sidesteps Cesaro and guides him to the floor. Xavier with a tornado DDT off the bottom rope to the floor. Damn!
Sheamus tags in and Kofi gets a hot tag. Kingston with a running flying somersault dive to the floor on Cesar. Kofi and Sheamus botch some shit which results in Kingston hitting SOS for a 2 count. Woods tags back, walks the rope and hits the top rope elbow on Sheamus for another close count.
Now Cesaro tags in. Cesaro Swing on Woods. Big E distracts to allow Kofi to interfere but Cesaro drops Woods and catches Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise and turns that into a Swing. Kofi botches another move, a springboard which leads to a sloppy catch by Cesaro. Cesaro has to put Kofi down and pick him back up to press him outside onto Big E. Kofi is all sorts of fucking up here.
Woods tries a sneak school boy on Cesaro but only gets a 2 count. Woods roaring elbow on Cesaro. Woods sets up for the Honor Roll on Cesaro but flips right into a BROGUE KICK. This one is over in 10:00. Not bad for 10:00 at all.
Winners are Sheamus & Cesaro
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* TO THE BROCK LESNAR VIDEO. We’re taking a look at what could be waiting for Goldberg at the Rumble. I guess the other 28 guys are irrelevant. Goldberg returns live next week.
* To the Abominable Strowman. Backstage crew is running away from him. Strowman walks into Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. They try and con Strowman into taking out Rollins and Reigns for them while thinking he was doing it for himself. Owens claims Strowman would be next in line for a Universal Title shot once Rollins and Reigns are out of the way. Jericho riles Strowman up by telling him a bunch of shit Seth and Roman supposedly said. Strowman calls them crap. Hah
* To the Troof Dust and Bayley. Bayley has a present for Goldust. Troof gets a hug as a present. Goldust gets a teddy bear with Dusty’s polka dot outfit. The crowd pops. Gigantic ‘DUSTY’ chant.
Gallow and Anderson now interrupt. They rip the head off of Dusty bear. GOLDUST IS FUCKING PISSED. So am I. Fucking Vince.
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* To last week. After deciding to make Sasha Banks tap out twice on PPV, Banks shows up at Raw, questions herself, then takes a beat down by seeping fat fuck Nia Jax.
– NIA JAX VS. SCARLETT –
Dude. I love me some plus sized models but I ain’t having none of this lard bucket. So this jobber bitch is wearing a Sasha Banks shirt and says she’s her role model. Nia rips the poor girl apart. Dangerous corner splashes with Scarlett’s throat on the buckle. Fall away Samoan drop ends this one in a minute.
Winner is Nia Jax
Jax tells Scarlett to choose a better role model and then drops a fat thigh on her face.
Jax is absolutely fucking horrible. She moves like a very non-athletic fat shit. She even has trouble getting up off the mat and looks like shit when she tries to cover. She is nowhere near ready for TV, not even NXT TV. Fast tracked for her size and her family heritage. Bullshit.
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* To the Stephanie. She has just made some type of deal with Charlotte. They shake hands and Charlotte leaves. Owens and Jericho stomp in. Jericho is upset Mick Foley put Jericho in a shark cage at the Rumble. Jericho asks for the U.S. title match against Reigns tonight. Stephanie gives it to Owens instead. Jericho doesn’t seem happy about that. Jealousies a mother fucker.
– BAYLEY AND CHARLOTTE SEGMENT –
Back to back segments for the ladies. Bayley is out to address her future. She’s pinned Charlotte 3 times and says she’s now the #1 contender. Bayley has wanted to be WWE champion since she was a kid.
To the Charlotte Flair. Charlotte has the finish of last week’s match replayed. It’s clear that Charlotte’s left shoulder is off the mat when the referee counts 3. Charlotte and her lawyers talked to Stephanie. The victory from last week no longer counts. Wow. It’s that easy? Every match ever should be overturned for a variety of reasons if that’s the case.
Now the back and forth shit starts. Charlotte announces that Bayley will have her rematch right now. The lawyers worked it out to where Charlotte can pick the referee. She picks.. Dana Brooke. Crowd goes noiseless for the first time tonight. Let Brooke kill the crowd.
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– WOMEN’S CHAMPIONS CHARLOTTE VS. BAYLEY –
This is a non title match but if Bayley wins she earns a title shot. Dana Brooke is the referee. Dana causes trouble almost immediately and takes the Bayley to Belly. Isn’t that a DQ? A new official comes out to continue the match. I still say this is a DQ. Bayley controls the next few minutes with some of her signature offense and a cross body gets 2. Charlotte takes over and drives Bayley’s face into the middle buckle. Bayley to Belly out of nowhere! 1..2..Dana Brooke pulls the referee out of the ring! Dana says she’s the ref.
Bayley chases Dana around ringside and into the ring. Charlotte rolls her up and Dana with a fast count. Charlotte wins with her feet on the ropes so look for that to be overturned NEXT WEEK. Match was 5:00. No substance, just an angle.
Winner is Charlotte
* Braun Strowman is killing people. Stephanie asks him to focus on Rollins. Strowman says he is multi-tasking LMAO. He wants Rollins and Zayn. Steph says to worry about Seth tonight and Braun can wrestle Sami next week. Braun wants Zayn in a Last Man Standing match next week. His wish is granted. She asks Strowman to kill Rollins like he plans to kill Zayn.
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– NEVILLE VS. TJ PERKINS –
Austin Aries replaces Byron on commentary for this Cruiser match. Perkins better have ‘MAX HEALTH’ here because he’s facing the Triple H of the cruisers. The jacked up Neville, who is twice as thick as any other cruiser. I’d be curious to know Neville’s real weight. Things pick up fast. Perkins with some nice moves byt completely whiffs on a spin kick, which Neville sells anyway. Perkins with a corkscrew plancha on Neville to the floor. Cross body inside gets 2. Crowd chants for Aries instead of the match. Perkins misses a sliding dropkick and Neville with an jumping kick sends TJ to the floor.
Neville rams Perkins upside down into the barricade. Perkins escapes chinlock and does some unique flippy shit. Perkins with a Double Chickenwing into a Codebreaker. Fuck. That only gets 2. Detonation kick connects on Neville. Perkins tries the rolling knee bar, but Neville hangs on and hooks the tights. Heel Neville wins without any flashy shit. That’ll get him over. Match was 4:00.
Winner is Neville
Neville promo. He says America doesn’t like his accent, or his face, or his size. I think he’s shooting on Vince. He blames America for not appreciating him. Tomorrow on 205 Live Neville faces Rich Swann for the Cruiserweight title. Neville is the King of the cruisers.
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– ENZO & BIG CASS SEGMENT –
Cass is pushing Enzo out in a wheelchair after what happened between Enzo and Rusev/Jobber Mahal last week. Enzo does his usual entrance routine in the wheelchair. Spins and all. Enzo calls out Rusev and Mahal. With Enzo hurt, Cass calls out Rusev for a match.
Rusev and Lana come out first, followed by Jobber Mahal.
Before a match can starts, Mahal slaps Enzo in the wheelchaie before the match. BUT ENZO JUMPS OUT OF THE WHEEL CHAIR AND PULLS MAHAL OFF THE APRON!
Rusev tries to attacks Big Cass in the ring but Cass fights back and drops Rusev. Enzo puts Mahal in the wheel chair. ENZO ROCKET LAUNCHER OFF THE ROPES ONTO MAHAL IN THE WHEELCHAIR ON THE FLOOR. Hah. Cool.
Cass lands a big boot on Rusev to finish things off.
No match here. For the best.
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– THE SHINING STARS VS. DARREN YOUNG & BO DALLAS –
Bob Backlund is with Bo and Darren. They all graduates sensitivity training last week. This feels like a Braun Strowman segment. This can’t be a real match.
AND THERE HE IS
Wow. This shit is so predictable.
The ECW booking continues.
Strowman carries a Xhristmas tree to ringside. Bo runs at him and eats the tree. Strowman kills Primo on the apron. Darren Young gets ran over. Epico whacks Braun with a chair. No sold and Epico gets killed next. Then Darren Young is thrown into Bob Backlund outside. Then Strowman throws the fucking steps at three of the guys.
‘THANK YOU STROWMAN’ chants begin.
No Contest
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
I predict springboard knees a plenty in this one. Rollins hits Strowman with everything he has right away taking Braun outside. But Strowman rushes in and runs all over Rollins. Strowman takes an enzuigiri. Strowman misses a shoulder charge in the corner. Here they come. One springboard knee from Seth. A second springboard knee. Strowman catches Seth on a third one, but Seth is able to fight away and nail the Blockbuster! Rollins tries for the Pedigree but gets backdropped to the floor.
Strowman runs Seth over on the floor and rolls him back inside. SAMI ZAYN’S MUSIC HITS! Strowman looks for Zayn in the aisle, but Sami launches himself off the steps from behind and rams Braun into the post. Strowman chases Zayn off through the crowd VERY SLOWLY. Match went 4:00
Winner is Braun Strowman on DQ
Last 3 segments we had a match that never happened. Another match that technically happened but really didn’t, and now a 4:00 DQ. The Raw writing quality fell apart a while back and they just don’t give a fuck about the quality of the wrestling anymore. Nobody watches a wrestling show for wrestling. Yes Vince, that’s why your ratings fucking blow.
Chris Jericho sneaks in. Codebreaker on Rollins after the match. And a second Codebreaker.
Seth requires four officials to help him up. The announcers sell it like Rollins has been killed.
* To the Kevin Owens, who is proud of his best friend Jericho who just took out Rollins for the night. Which means Owens will not have interference from Rollins in the U.S. Title match tonight. So two Codebreakers are now death?
=======================================================
* TO THE EMMALINA! We get a new video and EMMALINA SPEAKS. Her debut will be worth the wait.
– GOLDUST AND R-TRUTH VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
Troof gets to rap his entire Golden Troof rap, complete with Goldust bouncing ball and lyrics. Goldust be pissed and goes off on Anderson. Dust with a beat down on Karl in the corner. Troof be taggin in son. Troof hits his stuff. Gallows tags in and he boots Troof out of his shoes. The club guys put some heat on Troofy. Anderson with the flying boot for 2. Troof with a heel kick on Gallows and Goldust gets the hot tag. Of course he does, you have to job Dusty’s son.
Goldust goes off like a one man gang. Snap Powerslam on Anderson and he beats the shit out of him on the floor. Bulldog on Anderson. Gallows comes in to attack but Goldust sends him outside. Anderson rolls Goldy up and grabs the tights for the win after 3:30.
Winners are Gallows and Anderson
Didn’t we just see the hook the tights shit a few segments ago? And the foot on the ropes before that. Fucking TRY and be creative.
=======================================================
Ya know, for this being RAW they sure as hell are plugging the fuck out of Smackdown tomorrow. Cena promos everywhere and they keep hyping the card.
Must be some more Cruiser shit coming because there’s like 20 minutes until the main event and I can’t think of anyone left to put on TV.
Wow did I call that shit.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
Austin Aries back on commentary. Daivari on top to start things out. Swann with some really cool looking counters. Daivari with a fucking wicked looking neckbreaker. Daivari misses a frog splash. Swann now controls. Double stomp to the spine. Back spin kick knocks Daivari out in 1:30.
Winner is Rich Swann
After the match Charly Caruso interviews Swann about Neville’s challenge from earlier. Swann agrees to the match tomorrow on 205 Live.
NEVILLE ATTACKS SWANN. SWANN UPSIDE DOWN INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING. Holy shit. Neville drags Swann into the ring. Red Arrow onto Swann’s injured back.
Great sell job by Swann. Great facials from Neville. Well done. Even if the crowd doesn’t give two shits.
=======================================================
* To the Daivari. Charly Caruso talks to Daivari about his loss. He blames Jack Gallagher for this loss because he was worried about his interference. The real Jack Gallagher interrupts in an old timey British suit. So awesome. He asks Daivari to stop calling him a ‘scoundrel’. Daivari refuses. Jack challenges Daivari to a DUEL. Gallagher then slaps Daivari with a glove. I love this shit.
* A look at Goldberg’s return to WWE. He returns to Raw next week.
=======================================================
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. KEVIN OWENS –
Only Roman’s title is on the line. Because we haven’t seen this shit enough. They’re fighting at Rumble but lets kill them with it beforehand. This crowd hates Roman Reigns more than usual. I support that. After some feeling each other out Reigns takes control. Roman is looking good when Jericho’s music hits. Jericho comes to ringside and this distracts Roman. Owens plants a nice DDT for a near fall. The match goes to commercial with Jericho now at ringside.
Raw rolls on. After the final break Reigns takes over with his clotheslining shit. Ruynning clothesline. Jumping clothesline. Clotheslines in the corner. It never ends. Until Owens superkicks Reigns in the face. And a Cannon Ball in the corner gets a close fall.
An Owens chinlock leads to a ‘CM Punk’ chant. Reigns finally frees himself. Owens winds up sending Reigns outside but Roman nails a Drive By. Back to the clotheslines is Reigns. Samoan Drop gets 2 on Owens. KO drops Reigns throat over the top rope and hits a Back Stabber for a near fall. Reigns holds onto the ropes to prevent a pop up powerbomb. The two trade shots.
Reigns with a sit out powerbomb on Owens gets 2 and a half. KO ducks a superman punch, roll up gets 2. Reigns connects this time with the Superman Punch and it gets 2. Jericho distracts Reigns. Owens hits a CODEBREAKER on Reigns. 1..2..Reigns kicks out!
Seth Rollins comes running down. Pedigree on Jericho. Owens superkicks Rollins outside. KO slides back in and runs right into the shitty ass spear. Roman Reigns wins in 16:00.
Winner is Reigns
Do not tell me this is going to be the fucking Rusev booking all over again where Reigns wins every match up to the blowoff and then wins that too. Vince still has no fucking clue why everyone hates Reigns. Stop force feeding the horseshit and let the guy lose a little.
Rollins and Reigns take out KO & Jericho after the match. Pedigree on Owens. Spear on Jericho outside.
Horse Shit.
Happy 2017 Everyone! Hopefully Raw will improve.
The WWE Raw Report – December 19, 2016
THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 19, 2016
SCHOTTENSTEIN CENTER – COLUMBUS, OH
* Tiz the Season! It’s the Holiday edition of Raw because they can’t say Christmas. Fuuuuuck that. MERRY CHRISTMAS! And if that offends you get the fuck out of my country. I don’t get upset of someone wishes me Happy Hanukkah. Makes no sense. “Happpy Holidays” Pfffff. It’s just whiny people that have nothing in their life and looking to feel “important” by bitching about something. Fucking cure cancer, help feed the homeless, do something RELEVANT you fucks. OK, rant over. For now. 😉
– KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO INTERVIEW –
The BFF’s are already in the ring as they brag about Owens retaining his title last night all thanks to Chris Jericho. Owens says Jericho fooled everyone, even KO. KO should have never doubted Jericho’s friendship. Jericho gives KO the ‘Hug of Jericho’ to prove their friendship. Then they start to dig into Santa Claus. Santa is a ‘Stupid Idiot’ and he makes Jericho’s list.
That doesn’t sit well with MICK FOLEY. Foley is hobbling to the ring as he gets ready for hip surgery. I can’t believe they forced him to work the PPV and tonight because he looks terrible and can barely walk. Foley reminds them that Jeri-KO were put through tables after the main event last night.
Foley shows off the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen. There’s a tag team match tonight between Jericho & Owens vs. Rollins & Reigns. Yuck. FOLEY CALLS COLUMBUS ‘PITTSBURGH, PA’. Which gets boooooos. Foley corrects himself. He’s in Columbus. What a fuck nugget.
Foley lowers a ‘Shark Cage’ from the ceiling. He says Jericho will be in the shark cage…… at the Royal Rumble, where Reigns will face Owens in a title rematch. Jericho calls the cage flimsy and tries it out. Foley locks Chris inside. Foley digs into his fanny pack for the key to the lock but he can’t find it. Vince McMahon style comedy follows when Jericho is sent up towards the ceiling in the cage and Foley has misplaced the key. Jericho is stuck in the cage as the show goes to break.
Owens and Foley were bad in this segment. Owens would say things and get no response. Jericho would repeat the same line and get a pop from it. Not Foley’s best stuff either, or anywhere near it. The end result of the segment you could see coming forever and they still dragged it out. I thought it was pretty yawn. Kids might enjoy it.
=======================================================
* To the Jeri-KO. Jericho has been released from the cage. He and Owens are backstage. Jericho is hyperventilating or some shit.
– BIG CASS VS. RUSEV –
Enzo and Lana are out there. These guys worked the PPV preshow last night. It was bad then it’ll suck now. Cass stomps Rusev into the corner and won’t stop beating on him. Cass has snapped and gets disqualified in 1:00.
Rusev finally frees himself and runs off through the crowd. Ya bitch.
Winner is Rusev by DQ
=======================================================
– SASHA BANKS INTERVIEW –
Sasha walks to the ring with her knee in a brace and using a crutch. Sasha makes mention of her history with Charlotte as far as gimmick matches go. Banks tapped twice last night and it broke her heart to do it. Sasha says she doesn’t feel like a BOSS anymore. Wow Vince, kill her some more. Sasha has respect for Charlotte and asks her to come out to congratulate her.
Instead we get Nia Jax. Fuck me. Not literally. This hippo is getting fatter every week. That’s coming from a guy who likes them a little thick. But this bitch is just fat and shitty and only has a job because of the Rock. Did you see her at Survivor Series? She doesn’t even belong in NXT much less on Raw.
Jax says Banks will never be her Boss. She calls Sasha weak and a little girl. Jax kicks the crutch out from under Banks and Sasha falls. Jax smacks around Banks and throws her upside down into the ropes. Jax calls herself the Boss. She teases hitting Banks with the crutch but then just leaves.
That was.. Shit.
Sasha gets none of her heat back. Then she shits on herself. Then Fat Hams Magee buries her some more. Fuck it all.
=======================================================
* To the champs. Cesaro and Sheamus speak with Mick Foley. He’s happy they won the titles like he told them they could. Foley reveals the NEW Raw Tag Team Titles. They still look like shit but they’re better than those other shits.
Braun Strowman is storming around backstage and destroying random people. Mick Foley has to confront him. Braun is pissed and he wants Sami Zayn. Foley says Zayn is not here, he is 100 miles away. Strowman says he wants Zayn or else. Not this shit again.
– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. NOAM DAR –
Looks like Austin Aries is on commentary. So Cedric is with Alicia Fox now. Cedric is probably one of the better cruisers but instead of being put in a good position he gets stuck in a fucking storyline with Alicia Fox where he loses every week. Fucking brilliant writing. I guess asking for the cruisers to be used better is about impossible though. Dar beat Cedric 2 weeks ago on 205 Live. I watched it and didn’t even remember. Shows you how quality their stories are. Cedric does a back flip into a head scissors and this shit goes to commercial as soon as it starts. No lying.
Raw rolls on. Dar takes bumps like a tumbler. Dar misses some top rope shit and Cedric on the offense. Handspring enzuigiri by Cedric. Lumbar Check. This shit is over in 5:00. 90 seconds may have been shown.
Winner is Cedric Alexander.
So you have a 1:00 DQ match. Now you have a match they may have shown 90 seconds of. Crowd don’t give a fuck either.
Noam Dar takes the microphone after the loss. Dar says they both have a win over each other but Cedric still has Fox. Noam Dar wants Fox for Christmas. Cedric don’t like the shit he be talkin.
=======================================================
– NEW DAY / CESARO & SHEAMUS INTERVIEW –
New Day are out to the ring first. They congratulate Cesaro. The new champions follow them out. Cesaro and Sheamus bitch with each other. This didn’t take long. Spend all those months building them up and then immediately drag them right back down. Sheamus takes all the credit. Sheamus says he will crush New Day’s 483 day record. The two teams go back and forth.
Finally GALLOWS AND ANDERSON interrupts this waste of time shit. Well that didn’t last long.
Now the SHINING STARS are out. And whatever positive that could have come out of Gallows and Anderson is squashed right away with comedy. The Colons are selling the teams on their resort. This is fucking gay.
It leads to the 4 teams fighting and it looks like we’re getting a shit fuck 8 man tag match of doom when we return.
=======================================================
– NEW DAY, CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. GALLOWS, ANDERSON, SHINING STARS –
Kofi holding his own with the Shining Stars when the match starts. Gallows and Anderson ground Kofi and the heel team gets the heat. Kofi almost gets a hot tag but he’s stopped at the last second and the heels continue their heat on Kofi. Raw goes to break.
Raw rolls on. Kofi still getting his ass handed to him. Nobody on Kofi’s team has even been in the match yet. Finally a hot tag out to Big E. Anderson takes a triplet of belly to bellies. Big E tries the splash but Sheamus tags himself in. Cesaro and Sheamus do a shitty ass White Noise double team. Now everybody starts hitting all their shit on one another. Cesaro Swing on Epico. Epico submits to the Sharpshooter. That was Kofi taking a beating for 10:00, spotfest for a minute and a shitty finish.
Winners are New Day, Cesaro, SHAME-ASS
This is the very definition of filler. Nobody needs Sheamus on the TV for 30 minutes.
To the Enzo & Cass. Enzo thinks he’s costing Cass wins. Cass doesn’t think so. Enzo is handed a letter. Enzo must attend mandatory sensitivity training tonight because he exposed himself on Raw. This has to be fucking Vince humor.
=======================================================
– NEVILLE / RICH SWANN / KENDRICK INTERVIEW –
Evil Beard Neville looks like a small version of a jacked up Triple H. There’s no fucking way he’s anywhere near the weight of these cruiser guys. This is going to doom him but I’ll enjoy him. Neville points out the fans cheered him last night and says the fans only cheered him in the past because they pitied him and sympathized with his size. Neville is going to OBLITERATE the cruiser division.
To the RICH SWANN. Swanny asks what happened to Neville. Neville wants respect as the king of the cruiserweights. Swann points out that he’s the champion and not Neville.
THE Brian Kendrick emerges. He defends Neville. Neville and Kendrick are on the same page. They earned their opportunities but Swann didn’t. The two evil guys corner Swann. Rich nails Neville but Kendrick pops Swann. Neville beats on Swann.
To the PERKINS. TJ comes running out and runs right into a Neville enzuigiri. That was quick. Neville beats the shit out of Perkins now.
Neville leaves in disgust.
Kendrick decides to hit Sliced Bread #2 on Perkins for the fuck of it.
* To the Sensitivity Training course. It’s Jinder Mahal, Bo Dallas, Bob Backlund, Darren Young, and Enzo Amore. Shitty comedy. VERY shitty comedy. This shit will continue. Fucking joyous.
=======================================================
– SIN CARA VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
Two jobbers, no entrance. I guess Cara is out of the cruiser division. Like it matters. This must be the Braun Strowman segment. Yep. It is. That didn’t take 15 seconds. Strowman comes out and smashes both jobbers. O’Neil gets laid out. Strowman carries Cara up the ring ramp.
Mick Foley comes out and asks Braun to put Cara down but Braun says he told Foley OR ELSE. Strowman flings Cara off the stage through a Christmas Tree and a hundred presents. Safe bump but it looked cool. Strowman then destroys the Christmas trees on the stage. Cara lays dead while they call for a stretcher. Foley looks down at the carnage.
=======================================================
To the Jeri-KO. Owens tells Jericho to calm down. Chris can’t calm down from earlier with the cage. They get psyched for their match. Rollins and Reigns are going to get IT.
– CHARLOTTE FLAIR / BAYLEY INTERVIEW –
I’m glad Dana Brooke is gone from the Charlotte equation but can we keep it that way. Bitch just keeps appearing and disappearing as it becomes necessary. Charlotte makes fun of what happened with Sasha earlier. Charlotte rants a bit too long. She shits on Ohio State to get cheap heat.
To the BAYLEY. Charlotte says Bayley doesn’t belong in her ring. Bayley thinks it’s time for a Charlotte/Bayley rivalry to begin. No thought at all put into this. Charlotte says she’s #1 and Bayley is #4 in the Horsewomen and that’s why Bayley came much later than the other 3. Bayley says she beat Charlotte twice and she can do it again. Charlotte agrees to a match. It’s next.
=======================================================
– WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. BAYLEY –
First five minutes is….. not their best stuff. Bayley spins around on Charlotte’s back, riding her and just making her a bitch. Charlotte bails. Raw to the commercials.
Raw rolls on. Charlotte has Bayley’s ass in a bear trap. Bayley breaks free but we get a double clothesline. Bayley starts hitting all of her signature stuff. Bayley goes to the second rope but Charlotte pulls her off and across the top rope. Charlotte lays Bayley out and heads up top for the Moonsault. CONNECTS! BAYLEY KICKS OUT OF THE MOONSAULT.
Bayley almost steals the win when she rolls a shocked Charlotte up. Charlotte starts laying in the chops. Bayley ducks a chop and does the backlside. BAYLEY WINS in 14:00.
Winner is Bayley.
Bayley beats Charlotte for a third time. Match was ho-hum most of the way and sloppy offense from Bayley late. Even the backslide took too long to get flat on the mat and it killed the whole quick pin idea.
The announcers point out Charlotte got her shoulder up before the three but the decision will stand.
* Sensitivity shit continues. It’s role reversal time. Darren Young and Bob Backlund start. Enzo and Jinder’s turn. Enzo uses this time to mock Jinder. Mahal takes his turn shitting on Enzo.
So Enzo gets stuck feuding with a dark match jobber.
=======================================================
* To the EMMALINA. She was supposed to be here like two weeks ago. Now we’re back to ‘soon’.
* To the Sensitivity. They all graduate. Enzo hits on the teacher. RUSEV AND JINDER MAHAL attack Enzo. Enzo takes yet another pointless fucking beat down. Mahal is added to the story to make it a tag match and have a job guy. Rusev holds up Enzo so Lana can slap him. Urinage through a table finishes off Enzo.
There is no fucking way in the entire world you can get me to believe that someone pitched that idea and thought it would help Enzo in any way, shape or form. Fucking bullshit.
=======================================================
– SETH ROLLINS / ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO / KEVIN OWENS –
The heels get the jump and work over Rollins early. Seth battles back and hits a slingblade on Jericho. Reigns tags in. Reigns hammers on Jericho. The faces work on Jericho with Reigns eventually taking the heat. Looooong heat. Reigns finally a Samoan drop on Owens and ROllisn tags in. Blockbuster on Jericho. Rollins with a neckbreaker and DDT simultaneous spot. Jericho blocks the Pedigree but Seth hits an enzuigiri. Suicide dive onto both Jericho and Owens. Flying knee to Jericho. Seth tries a Frog Splash but lands on Jericho’s knees. Walls of Jericho on Rollins. Superman Punch aids in the break.
WHAT THE FUCK?
BRAUN STROWMAN ATTACKS REIGNS. DQ.
Winners Reigns and Rolls on a DQ
I watched that shit for 20 minutes and then Braun Strowman interferes?
Strowman lays out Reigns on the floor. Lays out Rollins in the ring. And Reigns again in the ring.
Jericho and Owens are happy about how this played out.
Braun mad. Raw bad. Me sad.
The WWE Raw Report – December 5, 2016
It’s Raw time with Bobby “The Brain” Mayo. I punched my way through last week’s episode without any hiccups so I’m hoping I can keep things together again this week without my brain exploding. The rumors of no more preshow appear to be true (somewhat). The preshow is not on the Network this week (kinda), so let me drop you with some bullet points from WWE.com
WWE RAW BULLET POINTS
- How will Charlotte handle her title loss to Sasha Banks?
- Can WWE Raw “handle this”, Rich Swann is the NEW Cruiserweight Champion
- Will Seth Rollins Strike Again? Looks like a match with Jericho is looming.
- Is this the end of the line for Kevin Owens. He meets Reigns at Roadblock.
- Has Sami Zayn cooled off after his verbal attack on Mick Foley last week?
Ok, so there IS a new Raw preshow. It’s now 10 minutes long. Hosted by Booker and Charly Caruso. That’s really worth it. Looks like they’ve canned Stanford, Lawler and Lita. Stanford could be done for good as he has nothing left to do. Lawler getting the shaft in favor or the younger shittier announcers.
=======================================================
THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 5, 2016 – THE FRANK ERWIN CENTER
AUSTIN, TX
* To the intro. It’s some gay “Previously on Raw” video where they replay the Owens/Jericho/Rollins/Reigns shit from the past 2 weeks.
– SETH ROLLINS / KEVIN OWENS PROMO –
Rollins completely moves away from his issues with Owens and Jericho and says he wants Triple H. Trips chose to bet against Seth Rollins and anoint Owens as the new golden boy. Trips made a bad bet. Rollins knows Triple H won’t show up if he calls him out, so instead he will beat Kevin Owens and take the Universal Title to make Trips show up. But Seth can’t beat Owens with Jericho lurking. Seth poked fun at Owens losing last week when Jericho was out.
* To the KO. The comments bring Owens to the stage. KO says sometimes best friend fight, but Rollins has no friends, Rollins even turned on his ‘brothers’ The Shield. Best friends make up. Owens has brought Jericho THREE GIFTS. KO is sick of hearing that he doesn’t deserve the Universal title. Rollins says if KO is a fighting champion to defend it against him right now. KO already beat Rollins 2 weeks ago, so no. Owens says Foley booked him against Zayn tonight. Didn’t those guys have some ‘last match’ back in the summer?
Owens announces Jericho’s first gift is a U.S. Title shot against Roman Reigns tonight. Gift #2 is Jericho vs. Rollins at Roadblock. The third present is Rollins vs. BIG SHOW.
TO THE BIG SHOW
BIG SHOW RETURNS!
NEXT!
LIVE!
ON RAW!
BY GAWD!
SLOBBER KNOCKER!
MOTHER FUCKER!
=======================================================
– SETH ROLLINS VS. THE BIG SHOW –
I had seen a picture a couple weeks back of Show’s weight loss. It’s legit. Good for him. Ten seconds into the match and I’m already reminded that Show is 10 times better than shitty Kane. Show just runs through Rollins and rag dolls him around the ring. Seth goes to the leg of Show. Show catches Seth in a suicide dive attempt and press drops him across the barricade.
Kevin Owens stays at ringside for the match. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Rollins chops him down to the mat with kicks and gets a 2 count. Show kicks out and sends Seth outside. Seth with TWO springboard flying knees. Show still standing. A third flying knee off the top drops the Show.
Seth sets up for a Pedigree but Show backdrops him. Kevin Owens gets on the apron and screams at Show. Owens bosses Show around and Show CHOKESLAMS OWENS into the ring.
Show walks off and leaves Owens for Rollins to deal with. Show just walks away and takes a count out in 5:00.
When Show is counted out he applauds the result. What the fuck?
Winner is Rollins.
Seth Pedigrees Owens after the match.
Show didn’t last one episode without doing yet another turn. I know when a third party pisses me off I no longer care about the outcome of what I have going on. SMH
* To the Jack Gallagher. This guy is so awesome he gets his own video on Raw. He debuts on Raw next.
=======================================================
* To the SNL. John Cena hosts SNL this week.
– JACK GALLAGHER VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
They love to mention that Gallagher was trained by the late Billy Robinson. Robinson was bad ass. Gallagher with some flashy takedowns. Daivari takes control with some boring heel shit. Gallagher with some nice dropkicks and a fucking headbutt. Murderous dropkick into the corner ends this out of nowhere in 3:00.
I was hoping Gallagher would do his comedy spots for my wife, but not tonight.
Winner is Gallagher.
Daivari shakes Jack’s hand after the match, then clips Jack’s leg and beats the shit out of his leg. Fuck You fucker Daivari. Go fly on your carpet, you bitch.
* To the Titus Brand. I think he’s trying to sell a match of him vs. Goldberg? I don’t know what he’s fucking doing.
=======================================================
To the Foley & Owens. KO is pissed about what happened earlier and he still has to face Sami Zayn. If Steph was here the match wouldn’t happen. Foley says Steph isn’t here so the match is happening. Chris Jericho strolls in. Owens tries to sell Jericho on their friendship. Jericho isn’t biting. KO pleads with Jericho to be ‘good’ with him. Jericho says they’re not good. I call bullshit.
* To the Enzo & Rusev. Enzo and Cass are walking down the hall, Rusev is arguing with Lana. Cass tells Enzo to stay out of it. Enzo butts in against Cass’ wishes. Rusev and Lana argue some more. Lana throws her ring at Rusev. Rusev storms off. Enzo hits on Lana and dismisses Cass. Cass rolls his eyes and leaves Enzo to macking Lana. Gayness.
=======================================================
* To the Enzo mackin Lana. Enzo is pretending to listen to Lana’s complaints about Rusev. She thinks she should teach Rusev a lesson. She asks Enzo to come to her hotel room. SWERVE-A-MANIA runnin wild, brother.
So now Lana is the slut inviting guys to hotel rooms so they can get SWERVED and beaten up. Is fucking RUSSO back writing this shit?
– UNIVERSAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. SAMI ZAYN –
I’m pretty sure the last time these guys fought at SummerSlam or whatever the shit PPV it was that the stip was they’d never fight again. That only lasted a few months. This match is non-title. Zayn is all over Owens outside the ring. Owens dives out onto Zayn. Then Sami dives out onto Owens. Raw goes to break.
Raw rolls on. Zayn levels KO with a clothesline. We get some good shit from both guys. Zayn with the flying tornado DDT through the ropes on the floor. Owens with a FISHERMANS BUSTER off the top rope! Gets a near fall. Cannonball in the corner also gets 2. Zayn counters the Pop up powerbomb with a half and half suplex and an Exploder. BLUE THUNDER BOMB! Owens barely escapes at 2. More good shit leads to a pop up powerbomb ends it after 11:00.
Winner is KO
* To the locker room. Roman Reigns is teasing Jericho about the parking lot pedigree from last week.
=======================================================
* To the Banks. We see a video from last week that shows Sasha as the new champ. Again. Charly Caruso interviews Banks. Sasha is losing her voice but she keeps talking about how Ric Flair deserves better than Charlotte. Banks welcomes a rematch with Charlotte. Again. Sasha challenges Charlotte to an Iron Woman Match at Roadblock. Eh. I’m not sure what to make of that.
Charlotte is supposedly going to publicly apologize to Ric Flair tonight in the ring.
=======================================================
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. TJ PERKINS –
Swann’s fucking nickname is ‘The Outlandish’. What the fuck is that? When you have to tell somebody you’re outlandish then you’ve already failed. I still don’t get this video game entrance for Perkins. Cruiser offense goes back and forth with Swann mocking TJ with the dab. They both have a laugh. Swann with a double spine stomp. Chops being traded. Swann lands a Russian legsweep and a Rolling Thunder Splash gets 2. First four minutes was more of a Cruiserweight Classic style then we move into a Swann rest hold to quiet the crowd. Perkins mule kicks his way free. Ties Swann in the tree of woe. Dropkick on Swann upside down gets another 2.
Swann counters TJ’s knee bar with a roll up for 2. Wrecking Ball dropkick to the apron on Swann. Perkins with a sprinboard right into a spinning back kick from Swann. TJ is out. Swann wins in 6:00.
Winner is Swann.
* To the Bayley. She’s juggling Bayley bears, poorly. She wrestles next.
=======================================================
– BAYLEY VS. ALICIA FOX –
So we’ve moved away from the Bayley/Charlotte program for now. Bayley just working random matches to stay relevant.I guess during the new preshow Bayley gave Cedric Alexander a Bayley Bear. So Fox got pissy. Isn’t it sad that this is what Cedric has been relegated to? This is pretty sloppy. Fox with a Northern Lights suplex for 2. Boring follows. Bayley does her thang. Bayley to Belly out of nowhere ends this shit in 2:00.
Winner is Bayley
* To the reasonable Cass. He’s trying to talk Enzo out of going to the hotel. Enzo gets a text from Lana. She’s naked or something. Enzo is going. Cass is against it. Rusev confronts Cass about Lana’s whereabouts. Cass doesn’t like Rusev touching him. Rusev says he will make a match against Cass tonight.
UP NEXT IT’S THE TUSSEL IN TEXAS. Mark Henry vs. Titus. They make a big joke of it. Which sums it up.
=======================================================
EMMALINA. Oh fuck you, give me some Emmalina. If she doesn’t come soon, I will. EMMALINAS IS CUMMING, ERR COMING, NEXT WEEK ON RAW. YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
– MARK HENRY VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
This is the Tussel in Texas. Bwah. They get a tale of the tape. More bwah. World’s Strongest Slam ends it. Match may have been 20 seconds. Being generous.
Winner is Henry.
Time to repackage the Titus brand.
* To the WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ric Flair pulls up in a stretch Limo wow Enzo is waiting for a ride to the hotel. Flair gives Enzo the limo to go grab some sex.
Get real that ain’t Ric’s limo, he’s fucking broke. Look at Flairs clothes, what happened to the custom made suits? Now it’s shirts with his gut hanging out and a plaid suit jacket from TJ Maxx. Woo that.
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* To the back. Chris Jericho orders Kevin Owens to stay away from him. He tells KO he doesn’t want him in his corner or need him. He tells KO to stay away.
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
Jericho attacks Reigns but it’s Roman who dominates early on. Reigns tries a Superman punch but runs right into a Jericho dropkick. Jericho with a top rope body block to Reigns on the floor and Raw goes into a commercial.
Raw rolls on with Reigns breaking free of a chinlock. Roman is sent outside. Jericho misses a sliding dropkick. Reigns with the Drive by. Into the ring Jericho counters Reigns and hits a Lionsault for 2. Reigns fights back with his Samoan drop and Superman Punch to get a near fall.
Jericho blocks a Spear with a kick. Reigns catches the Codebreaker and turns it into a sit out powerbomb for another close fall. Reigns fights his way out of a Walls attempt and rolls Jericho up for 2. Jericho with an enzuigiri and this time applies THE WALLS!
The Walls is applied. Reigns makes the ropes. Reigns leans on the bottom rope. SUPERKICK FROM KEVIN OWENS ON REIGNS! Reigns turns into the CODEBREAKER! OOOOOONNNNEEE. TTTWWWOOOOOO. FUCKING SUPERMAN REIGNS KICKS OUT. FUCK YOU SUPERMAN.
Owens jumps onto the raising hell. Jericho is pissed off and tells Owens he doesn’t need him. Jericho slaps Owens and sends him off. Jericho turns around and ends up taking a spear. Reigns wins in 14:00. Bullshit finish.
Winner is Fuck Bag.
They could have easily given Jericho the belt here. So Reigns could chase the Universal Title for this month. Then Owens can drop the belt to Rollins at Rumble because Vince wouldn’t dare allow KO headline Mania. That way Owens and Jericho have the U.S. Title to fight over while Rollins has whoever. Reigns can just go away. That’s my dream anyway.
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* Rusev vs. Big Cass is next. Or is it? I say Rusev got Cass to the ring to keep him distracted and Rusev is really at the hotel. But that scenario makes too much sense. Too much thought put into that.
– BIG CASS VS. RUSEV –
HAHA. I CALLED IT. FUCK YEAH. RUSEV NO SHOWS. I BOOKED THAT SHIT!
Cass seems to put the pieces together. He knows what’s going on. Cass runs out to the time keeper to use his cell phone. He calls Enzo. lol this is so gay. Cass is trying to warn his little buddy.
We cut to the hotel. Enzo won’t answer the call because it’s from ‘unknown’. Lana is in a hooker robe. She tricks Enzo into her room. Enzo has second thoughts and wants to leave. Lana wants to get them drinks. She bends over to show her ass. She sucks a strawberry. Enzo tries to leave again. She won’t let him. She rips Enzo’s shirt off and tells him to take his pants off. PG BABY.
Enzo pulls down to his boxers. Once he’s about naked, she tells him he’s a fool.
Lana calls Rusev into the room. Rusev is pissssssssed. He is mumbling in Bulgarian. Enzo just wants to leave but Rusev attacks. SWERVE SWERVE SWERVE. Rusev beats a naked Enzo into a wall and through a coffee table. He breaks a lamp over Enzo. He rips at Enzo’s face. Why do they make Enzo such a bitch. Fucking seriously. Rusev busts a vase over the back of the head of Enzo. Rusev drags the half naked Enzo into the hall. They close the door on poor Enzo. Enzo is presumed dead.
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New Day at ringside awaiting to see who they will face next week. New Day is just 10 days from breaking Demolition’s record.
– GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. SHEAMUS & CESARO –
Haven’t New Day already beat these teams? So the winner tries to dethron New Day next week on Raw, just 3 days shy of the record. Yeah like that’s going to happen. Wait last week it was 17 days. That would make this 10 days. Next week 3 days. But for storyline purposes Cole says they will beat Demos record if they keep the belt next Monday. Good team work from Shemaus and Cesaro last week. Slingshot shoulder block by Sheamus on Anderson. Gallows tags in and hammers on Sheamus. Sheamus with a sloppy ass Irish Curse backbreaker on Gallows. New Day distracts Gallows and Anderson, Sheamus and Cesaro take advantage but the entire thing looks like shit. Cesaro hammering on Gallows when Raw goes to a commercial.
Raw rolls on with Cesaro in a chinlock. Cesaro escapes and tries to make a jump for a hot tag but jumps right into an Anderson spinebuster. Gallows and Anderson hit the DEMOLITION DECAPITATION on Cesaro for 2. Sheamus fends off Anderson while Cesaro hits a tornado DDT on Gallows. Hot tag to Sheamus. Rolling sentons on both men. Anderson counters a Cloverleaf. Cesaro tags himself in with a top rope cross body for 2. All four men find their way to the floor. It’s a cluster fuck of shit with New Day in the middle of it. New Day throwing down with the other two teams. This match is going to be a no contest after 10:00.
Kofi tries to dive onto Cesaro and Sheamus but they catch him and launch Kofi into New Day.
No contest. Although no announcement is made and the announcers have no idea what this means. I assume it will be a Triple Threat match. Crowd is silent.
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They confirm it. The tag title match will be a triple threat next week.
– CHARLOTTE APOLOGIZES TO RIC FLAIR –
Dana Brooke is MIA this week. Not complaining, just sayin. Charlotte says she made a mistake when she sent away Ric Flair. She plays the video from 6 months ago and calls herself a cold-hearted bitch of a daughter. She needs the WWE. She needs the title. She’s sorry. She calls her dad out there.
Out comes Ric Flair. Wooo. Charlotte smiles and hugs her daddy. Then Charlotte SLAPS THE FUCK OUT OF RIC FLAIR. Ric takes a bump on his ass into the corner. Charlotte khunts it out on her daddy. She shits on him for turning on her and raising Sasha’s hand last week. Fuck you old man.
Sasha Banks comes rushing out to confront Charlotte but Charlotte beats down Banks and picks her up into a powerbomb and drives Sasha’s face into the ring post.
Ric Flair cries. She mocks her father while she lays the dead Banks at the feet of the nature Boy.
What a khunt.
Fin.
