THE WWE RAW REPORT

FEBRUARY 20, 2017
STAPLES CENTER – LOS ANGELES, CA

* RIP, GEORGE “THE ANIMAL” STEELE (April 16, 1937 – February 16, 2017)

NOTHING FOR IVAN KOLOFF….. FUCKING WOW.

An all new low from the classy McMahons.

After that bullshit open we go into a video of highlights from the Festival of Friendship from last week. Owens kills best friend Jericho.

– KEVIN OWENS INTERVIEW SEGMENT –

Owens is already in the ring sitting in a chair with the lights off and a spotlight on him. “You Suck” chants begin. Owens acknowledges that the spotlight is now solely where it belong. He answers the “Why?” question. Not that question, but rather “Why” Owens will walk out of Fastlane still the Universal Champion.

Owens doesn’t believe Goldberg’s hype, he never did, even as a kid. Goldberg never impressed KO. Brock Lesnar simply took Goldberg lightly and Goldberg got lucky. Owens says he doesn’t have to beat Goldberg, he just has to outlast him. Goldberg can’t hang with KO over time. Owens will outsmart Goldberg.

He talks about Goldberg wanting to be a super hero to the kids, KO says he will prove Bill if no super hero. Goldberg says “You’re Next”? Owens says “You’re nothing”.

Owens finishes up “Now, as far as Chris Jericho goes…..”, he drops the mike and leaves.

=======================================================

– ENZO & BIG CASS VS. CESARO & SHEAMUS –

This is a #1 contenders match to determine who will challenge Gallows & Anderson at Fastlane. Enzo & Cass do their routine. Cass takes it to Sheamus to start. Enzo is tagged in and Cass launches Enzo into Cesaro, and then launches him into Sheamus. Enzo climbs the ropes but Sheamus knocks him off the floor where Cesaro hits a running forearm into the barricade. Cesaro mocks Enzo’s dance outside as Raw takes a time out.

Raw rolls on. Irish Curse Backbreaker on Enzo gets 2. Rolling senton and a double stomp combo gets another 2 count on Enzo. Enzo ends up sending both opponents to the floor, he dives to make a tag to Cass but dives right into a Cesaro uppercut, and Csshas to break up the pin fall. Enzo drop toe holds Cesaro into the buckle and Cass gets the hot tag. Sheamus as well.

Css hits some of this stuff on Sheamus but misses a blind tag to Cesaro. Css big boots Sheamus to the outside. Cesaro with some nice rope walking body block and the springboard corkscrews uppercut. Enzo prevents the Cesaro Swing on Cass. Cesaro tosses Enzo outside but turns right into a spinning sidewalk slam and Cass gets the win in 9:10.

Winners are Enzo & Cass

Enzo starts cutting a promo on the losers after the match when Sheamus catches him with a Brogue Kick to the face on the floor.

Crowd actually chants “thank you Sheamus”. Looks like Vince is finally succeeding in turning them against Enzo.

* To the Holy Foley and the KO. Owens is leaving the building when Foley informs him that he has a match tonight, against Sami Zayn. The same Sami Zayn that we were told last summer that that these two would never fight again. Owens warns Foley that he’s going to end up with more wrestlers out injured than in the locker room if he keeps making these matches. Foley looks confused as Owens heads back to his locker room.

=======================================================

* Video replay of last week Charlotte vs. Bayley. We see Sasha Banks get involved, leading to Bayley’s title win. Charlotte has demanded that Bayley relinquish the title back to her tonight after the screw job ending.

* To the Holy Foley & Roman Reigns. Reigns assured Mick that he won’t interfere in Braun vs. Big Show tonight, but after the match is another story. Gallows & Anderson interrupt and want a rematch this week. Foley tells Roman to find a partner. Reigns doesn’t need a partner because tag teams are shitty compared to Superman. Reigns wants them handicap style again.

I guess the terrible rating and immediate decline from that match last week wasn’t enough for Vince.

=======================================================

– BRIAN KENDRICK VS. AKIRA TOZAWA –

Kendrick stomps to the ring on a mission. He’s pissed that Tozawa refused to be his “student” and told Brian that he doesn’t like him. Thems fightin’ words. Kendrick asks for a handshake but suckers Tozawa into a clothesline. Kendrick attacks from there and beats down Tozawa before the bell can even ring. Kendrick locks on the Captain’s Hook and lays him out.

Match never happens. Kendrick leaves angry, Tozawa lays in the ring, also angry.

* To the Kendrick & Caruso. Charly interviews Brian. Nobody disrespects THE Brian Kendrick. Tozawa has a lot of learning to do. He needs to learn respect, and tonight was only the first lesson.

=======================================================

– ROMAN REIGNS VS. LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON –

As if it wasn’t shitty enough last week, we get a second dose of this handicap shit. The tag team champions (shitty music and all) are here to give Reigns something to do until his match with Strowman at Fastlane. The champs dominate the first several minutes, Gallows with a near fall off a bear hug slam. They take the fight outside and double team Reigns. Gallows brings a chair into the ring but Roman fights him off and lays in a big boot on Luke. Reigns takes the chair and smashes Gallows with it. Match went 4:00.

Winners by DQ are Gallows & Anderson

What is the point of this shit?

The champs begin to double team Roman after the match, but Reigns Super Man punches Gallows. Anderson jumps off the top rope right into a Spear. Reigns kills Anderson with the spear. It was nice.

The tag champs leave because Reigns is better than both of them combined or some bullshit.

=======================================================

* New Day announces that they will HOST WrestleMania 33. I’m sure they’re really excited about that gig. From longest reigning Tag Team Champions, to HOSTING WrestleMania. Fuck sakes.

They drag out a long winded worthless shitty ass promo. They talk about their ice cream and other boring shit. I hope they don’t kill WrestleMania with shit like this. Their opponents tonight are Handsome Rusev and Jinder Mahal.

This week, Lana has the blue prints to the Ice Cream plans. They make a joke about Lana being Russian and a hacker. The crowd actually pops for that one. All in all this shit goes on way to fucking long and it’s nothing more than a way to keep promoting this shitty ice cream thing.

=======================================================

– NEW DAY VS. RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL –

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, these guys are still teaming? Rusev is still wearing the face mask. Rusev with a spin kick on Kofi. The heels have control. Kofi leaps off the middle rope with a Tornado DDT on Rusev and hot tags to Big E. Mahal takes soime overhead belly to bellies from E. Big Splash on Jinder. Big E looks for the Big Ending, but Rusev boots him in the face. Kofi sends Rusev to the floor and hits a sweet dive.

Woods sneaks up behind Lana and blows his horn. She drops her tablet with the hacked information. Woods destroys Lana while the crowd chants USA. This is so fucking stupid.

Midnight Hour on Mahal finishes this in 4:30.

Winners are New Day

* We’re shown a tribute video for George “The Animal” Steele. RIP

It’s followed by another graphic of the Animal.

I don’t want to take anything away from George, it was a very nice video. But it’s pretty fucked up they’re pretending like Ivan Koloff doesn’t even exist. You’d never see another sports or entertainment organization do shit like this.

=======================================================

– NEVILLE / JACK GALLAGHER CONTRACT SIGNING –

It looks like Austin Aires is hosting the contract signing, which includes tea and biscuits or some shit. Gallagher signs the contract before Neville even comes down. Aries foreshadows a little, calling Neville “delusional” for thinking he is the KING of the Cruisers. Neville signs quickly and starts to leave.

Gallagher asks Neville to stay and have some tea and biscuits. Fans chant “tea and biscuits”. Neville calls Jack a caricature. Neville is the real deal.

Gallagher says he’s not playing a gentleman, he is a gentleman. Neville’s problem is that he thinks he’s better than everyone else, and Jack won’t stand for it.

Gallagher removes his jacket, Neville flips the table over and taunts Jack. Gallagher drops Neville with a double leg and cracks him with the signature headbutt. Neville tries to reenter but Gallagher holds his umbrella to Neville’s throat. Neville leaves an angry troll.

=======================================================

– NIA JAX VS. SARA PIERCE –

Well the Rock is in the building so you knew this goo turd was getting a spot on the show. Samoan drops ends it in well under a minute.

Winner is Jax

* Charly Caruso interviews Nia Jax in the ring. Caruso’s tits are hanging out and looking fine tonight. Normally I groan when Charly comes on camera, but after tonight I may change that groan to a moan. A good moan at that. Damn those tits are nice. Jax wants to know where her title shit is. She shits on Bayley and Sasha and puts the champ on notice.

=======================================================

– BAYLEY / STEPHANIE / SASHA BANKS / CHARLOTTE SEGMENT –

Bayley tries to get a home state pop. I’m sorry, she sucks at doing promos. Bayley talks about always envisioning herself winning the WWE Women’s Title and it came true last week.

Bitch Steph comes out rocking some whorey ass clothes. Steph asks Bayley that when she envisioned winning the title, did she envision winning it in a tainted way. Did Bayley win it, or did Sasha win it for her? Steph guilt trips Bayley, saying that all the kids, the fans, even Steph’s kids look up to Bayley for being honest and fair and a good person. Does Bayley really want to keep the title and let down everyone? Crowd chants NO as Bayley takes the belt off and feels like shit. She starts to hand it to Steph when the Boss’ music hits.

Sasha Banks comes out to talk Bayley into keeping the title belt. She tells Bayley to ask her fans. The fans want Bayley to keep the belt.

Steph thinks Sasha Banks is only out here because Sasha thinks she can beat Bayley, and not Charlotte. Steph and Sahsa start to argue when Bayley cuts them off. Bayley doesn’t want to keep a title she didn’t earn, she didn’t win so she answers Stephanie. She tells Stephanie… HELL NO she isn’t giving up the Raw Women’s Title. She pinned Charlotte and she’s the champion.

Stephanie gives a death stare to both Bayley & Sasha.

Charlotte Flair joins the segment. How nice of her. Charlotte apologizes to Stephanie about how disrespectful the other ladies are being. Charlotte doesn’t want Bayley to give back the title, because she’s going to take it back, at Fastlane.

Sasha Banks cuts Charlotte off. Sasha challenges Charlotte to a match tonight. Stephanie books for the match for right now.

=======================================================

– CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. SASHA BANKS –

We haven’t seen this 90 times before. Still better than anything else on this shit show. Bayley is on commentary. It’s back and forth to start with some chops thrown in. Sasha misses knees in the corner. CHarlotte misses a shoulder in the corner. Sasha gets offense for a moment until Charlotte drives Banks nose first into the mat and drops some knees for good measure. Sasha works over Banks with a grounded head scissors and a big boot. Sasha is thrown outside and Raw takes a break.

Raw rolls on. Charlotte applies a Dragon sleeper type stretch hold. Sasha flips her way out of it and goes on the offense with some nice dropkicks and a Mysterio bulldog for 2. Charlotte takes a hike to the floor but Sasha off the apron with double knees.

Here comes Dana Brooke jogging down again. But Bayley runs down behind Brooke and lays Dana out before he can interfere!

Charlotte yanks Sasha off the top rope but then throws kick at Bayley. This distraction leads to Banks hitting the Back Stabber, and the Banks Statement. Charlotte TAPS in 10:00!

Winner is Sasha Banks

* DDP IN THE HALL OF FAME

* To the sexy breasts. Can’t get enough of the Charly Caruso tonight. Gimme some momma. Especially now that Emma fucked herself. Sami Zayn is interviewed here. He knew Kevin Owens would turn on Jericho. He says Samoa Joe and KO are the same selfish person. Zayn says time will catch up to Samoa Joe at Fastlane. Time catches up with KO tonight when he faces Zayn.

=======================================================

– SAMI ZAYN VS. KEVIN OWENS –

Zayn starts to make his way out when Samoa Joe attacks him in the aisle. Joe drives Zayn’s skull into the ring post three times. Zayn said his name in the last segment and Joe warned him about that. Samoa Joe with a running senton on the floor.

Owens looks on and doesn’t give a fuck. Looks like the match will happen anyway. The bell sounds and Owens just plows Zayn in the corner twice with a clothesline and then twice with the cannonball. Pop Up Powerbomb ends this in a little over a minute.

Winner is KO

=======================================================

And NOW Ivan Koloff gets a random 5 second image in tribute. It’s almost like they got heat and threw something up.

* To the Powers that be. Foley and Bitch Stephanie are backstage. Mick says he enjoys watching Stephanie be embarrassed. They’re really rushing his removal from TV. He tells Stephanie not to treat him like he’s stupid. He refuses to be belittled and for Stephanie to prevent him from standing up for what is right. He isn’t happy bout this entire HHH/Stephanie/Samoa Joe/Rollins shit. Steph warns Foley to be careful, that she wouldn’t want any “accidents” to happen to him.

– BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN INTERVIEW –

This is a backstage sit-down interview, and yes they’re really there. Michael Cole tries to conduct the interview but Heyman takes over and Brock runs Cole off. Brock sticks his face in the camera while Heyman cuts a promo. Heyman thinks Owens has shot at beating Goldberg, but Lesnar does not. Brock looks forward in taking Goldbergs legacy, career, and potentially the title from Goldberg at WrestleMania.

=======================================================

The ring crew is reinforcing the ring for tonight’s main event.

– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. THE BIG SHOW –

This shit is starting 2 minutes into the run over so I don’t expect it to go long. Big Show grabs a wrist lock, Strowman fucking ROLLS THROUGH AND DOES A NIP UP. WHAT THE FUCK???

Show trips Braun down, but Strowman with a side headlock takeover. Strowman drops Show with a clothesline. Braun smashes Show in the corner and drops him with a big boot.

Braun charges Show in the corner hut he gets goozled. Strowman counters with a DDT on Show for 2. Strowman continues to pound down on Show. Another clothesline drops Show for 2. They struggle for a suplex, which Show eventually lands. Back up and Braun runs into a boot. Flying tackle by Big Show!

Chokeslam on Strowman. 1…2… Braun kicks out!

Show goes up for a Vader Bomb but gets knocked off. Show ends up putting Braun on the top rope for the old Superplex spot.

The crowd starts to stand, but they boo when Braun knocks Show off. Strowman jumps off the middle rope into the KO PUNCH! 1…2… BRAUN KICKS OUT. Oh come on get serious.

Big Show for the Vader Bomb again. Strowman gets out of the way and delivers a sloppy Powerslam. Show kicks out at 2!

Show grabs a choke but Braun shakes it off and a second powerslam ends it in 12:00.

Winner is Braun Strowman

As soon as Bruan wins Roman Reigns makes his way out. Superman Punch. A second Superman Punch drops Braun.

Reigns rushes for a spear but runs into a Strowman Dropkick. Running Powerslam drops Reigns.

Strowman reigns supreme again.

THE WWE RAW REPORT

FEBRUARY 13, 2017
THE T-MOBILE ARENA – LAS VEGAS, NV

Hey guy, Bobby Mayo back in the house this week with the Raw Report. For any new readers out there please be advised in advance that I do use colorful language, and I do express my thoughts openly whether you like them or not.

Tonight, Bayley gets yet another shot at Charlotte’s strap, Jericho and Owens present the “Festival of Friendship”, and Emmalina has been coming (on my face) for so long that she has finally arrived. We’re 3 weeks out from Fastlane and 7 weeks out from WrestleMania. Everything should (technically) mean something at this point in the season. Let’s see what Raw brings us this week.

CHAVO GUERRERO SR. IMAGE DISPLAYED IN TRIBUTE (1949 – 2017)
RIP, Classic

– STEPHANIE MCMAHON / REIGNS / GALLOWS & ANDERSON SEGMENT –

To the Bitch Steph. She’s out to the ring first. Stephanie has given Mick Foley the week off after fucking up his segment with Samoa Joe last week. Steph is running Raw all by herself this week.

To the Roman. When it Reigns, it bores. Reigns doesn’t want to wait until Fastlane, he wants Strowman tonight.

Stephanie teases making the match for tonight and playing to the fans before she shits all over them. The match will remain at Fastlane. Instead, Braun will face Mark Henry tonight. Now there’s a fucking train wreck waiting to happen.

Reigns says he will come out to watch that match live. Stephanie informs Reigns that if he puts his hands on Strowman tonight that she will cancel the Fastlane match and anything Reigns may do at Mania.

To the Gallows & Anderson. WTF? They stick up for Stephanie and challenge Reigns to a handicapped match tonight. Stephanie channels newest Hall of Famer Teddy Long, playa, and books the match. Holla.

Oh great, lets job our tag team champions to fucking Super Fuck Reigns.

So much for building up the division.

Reigns gets into a fight with both men with Roman finally getting driven into the steps as Raw goes to commercial.

=======================================================

– ROMAN REIGNS VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –

This is 2 on 1, handicapped style. Match is in progress with Gallows working over Reigns. Assisted neckbreaker by Anderson gets a 2 for the tag champs. Reigns fights out of the corner and Anderson misses a shoulder charge into the buckle. Reigns lights Karl up with clotheslines in the corner. Big boot to Anderson and Gallows gets knocked off the apron. Gallows distracts but Reigns still manages a Superman Punch on Anderson. Reigns lines up for a spear, but Gallows attacks. The tag champs double team Reigns until they are disqualified in just 4:00.

Winner by DQ is Reigns.

The champs for for the Magic Killer after the match, but Reigns fights out. Superman Punch knocks Gallows off the apron. Karl tries using a chair but gets sent packing. The tag champs run off like asshole cowards and I have no fucking clue what this accomplished for anyone.

=======================================================

To the New Day, which frankly are becoming very Old to me. Bo Dallas is in the ring by himself so they rip on him, calling him a “Social Outcast”. They continue to pimp their fucking Ice Cream. Why is there going to be fucking New Day ice cream, but not WWE Ice Cream bars?

– KOFI KINGSTON VS. BO DALLAS –

There’s a fucking loud “We Want Ice Cream” chant. I hate this crowd. Bo dances with New Day, but it’s all a ploy to steal their Ice Cream Blueprints. Bo shreds the Ice Cream papers, but Kofi hits a somersault dive out onto him for his troubles. Back in the ring Dallas hits an elevated Cross Rhodes and gets a near fall.  Bo falls to the S.O.S. in 2:00.

Winner is Kofi

They pour Booty O’s down Bo’s mouth while he’s out. New Day has been going nowhere since losing the belts.

* To the Neville. Charly Caruso asks Neville about Jack Gallagher becoming the #1 contender at Fastlane. Neville has TJ Perkins tomorrow on 205 Live. Gallagher interrupts. Jack has some words that piss Neville off.

=======================================================

– JACK GALLAGHER VS. NOAM DAR –

Austin Aries to the commentary booth. Alicia Fox is with Dar. He doesn’t speak on TV, which is already a plus. Some good shit from both, mainly unique counters. Gallagher cartwheels his way out of a hold but Dar takes is leg out. Gallagher with the head stand in the corner and some dropkicks. Dar slides through Jack’s legs but runs into a fucking HEAD BUTT TO THE FUCKING CHIN. Running dropkick in the corner and Gallagher wins in 3:30.

Winner is Jack Gallagher

Neville makes his way out to the stage after the match. He holds his belt up to show Jack who the champ is. Anyone else starting to notice how much like Triple H that Neville tries to be. Angry, beardy, they’re both “Kings”. Is this H’s way of dominating that division, too?

THE WAIT IS OVER, EMMALINE IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!! OH BABY!!!!!!!!

=======================================================

* TRIPLE H AND SAMOA JOE ARRIVE AT THE BUILDING, LIMO STYLE.

– EMMALINA  ARRIVES –

Emmalina arrives on stage after 17 weeks of waiting. She shows herself off. She has arrived. The makeover of Emma to Emmalina. And now she will makeover Emmalina… into Emma. Wha? Emmalina, or Emma(?) walks off. WHAT THE FUCK? NOOO. DON’T DO THIS TO ME AUSSIE SLUT!

* To the Bayley. She’s with Charly Caruso. Her match with Charlotte is apparently the main event tonight. She bombs here on her promo and tries to recover but it sucks. She says she’s winning the title in Vegas.

* To the Jeri-KO. They talk about the Festival of Friendship. Triple H interrupts and wants to talk with Owens in private.

=======================================================

– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. MARK HENRY –

They feel each other out with neither guy budging. Strowman takes a cheap shot and drops Henry to the mat. Braun hammers on Mark. The crowd doesn’t give a shit and won’t chant for Henry to help him break a hold. Henry catches a forearm and battles his way back. Henry splashes Braun in the corner. Mark goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Braun falls back on top of Henry. Really? Strowman comes back with his shitty back bump dropkick. Running powerslam and it’s over in less than 5:00.

Winner is Strowman

Immediately following the pin, Roman Reigns heads to the ring. Strowman knocks Roman off the apron and dares him to try and enter again. Reigns drops Braun across the top rope, Superman Punch and Strowman just staggers. A second Superman Punch drops Strowman to a knee. Reigns goes for a Spear but Braun turns it into a Powerslam and drops Reigns.

Strowman leaves with satisfaction.

Samoa Joe is being miked up backstage. I guess he’s too cool to cut promos in the ring.

=======================================================

* To the rag tags. Cesaro and Sheamus are helping Bayley get ready for her match. Enzo & Cass interrupt. Sheamus fumbles over his lines. They argue about last week and Enzo & Cass unintentionally costing Cesaro and Sheamus a Tag Title win. Enzo says if they don’t like it to do something about it. Looks like we have a tag match.

– SAMOA JOE INTERVIEW –

* Michael Cole interviews Samoa Joe backstage. They sell this as live but it’s clearly pre-recorded. Joe only cares about Triple H, cuz H gave him the opportunity. Joe is just here to hurt people. Cole wonders if Joe is here as a hitman for Rollins. Joe says it took 18 years to get here because they were afraid of what he can do. Joe says he re-injured Rollins, and that Seth with miss another WrestleMania. Joe wants to know if this interview is about Triple H or Samoa Joe, because Cole keeps bringing up H. Joe doesn’t think Seth will be back, but if he does return then he will put him out again. In two weeks time, Joe has beat Rollins, and Reigns. He’s here to change everything.

Joe says he’s not a “Sami Zayn” who’s just happy to be on Raw. Michael Cole points out guys like Shawn Michaels, Batista, Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, are all guys Triple H left in his wake. Joe says he’s different because he doesn’t NEED Triple H’s help or to be propped up. Joe knows what’s best for business and he’s the first guy Triple H can rely on. Joe says Triple H the creator unleashed Joe, the Destroyer. Joe walks off.

Great promo. Joe doesn’t hesitate and it makes his character feel like it belongs. Well done.

=======================================================

– SAMI ZAYN VS. RUSEV –

Rusev still sporting the nose guard. Lana sporting a skin tight dress. Match is pretty flat. Crowd isn’t all that great right now. Rusev finally ends up outside and Zayn does a somersault plancha out onto him. Zayn tries to climb back inside but he’s met by a Rusev kick to the face and Raw goes to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Rusev has control but his face guard comes off. He has to fix it. They climb to the top rope and Zayn knocks Rusev off. Zayn jumps off but Rusev kicks him upside the skull for a near fall. Rusev completely no sells Zayn’s fighting back offense and runs Sami over. Rusev misses a splash in the corner and takes a bump to the outside. The announcers are just trashing Zayn, burying him. Zayn can’t maintain offense. Rusev starts to reenter the ring in the corner and gets caught with a Helluva Kick out of nowhere and he pins Rusev in 10:00.

Winner is Zayn.

Zayn was made to looks like shit all match and then wins out of nowhere. I don’t know which one of these guys I feel worse for.

Charly Caruso interviews Sami Zayn on the stage.  He may have lost to Jericho last week, but he won this week against big Rusev. He references Samoa Joe shit talking him. He shit talks Joe back and calls him a sell out.

Zayn starts to talk WrestleMania when Samoa Joe’s music hits. Zayn looks for Joe at the entrance, but Joe sneaks up and attacks from behind. Joe drops Zayn with a series of bunches and rams him into the LED lights. Coquina Clutch chokes Zayn out on the stage.

Samoa Joe shows Zayn what happens when somebody says his name.

=======================================================

* Teddy Long to the WWE Hall of Fame. Holla, holla. Playa. WWE be drinkin dat Hater-ade again.

– AKIRA TOZAWA VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –

Austin Aries and Brian Kendrick both on commentary. Kendrick says Tozawa reminds him of him. Daivari gets control. Kendrick bores me to death on commentary. Tozawa with a Frankensteiner. Daivari knocked off the apron. Tozawa with a head first suicide dive. Daivari dodges some kicks but Tozawa hits the German Suplex for the win in 3:00

Winner is Tozawa

Kendrick claims Tozawa is his protege even though Tozawa has never acknowledged him. Not one mention of being sprayed in the face by Tajiri twice now.

=======================================================

– THE FESTIVAL OF FRIENDSHIP ENDS BAD –

All night we’ve been “treated” to videos of the history of the friendship of Owens and Jericho and now it’s time to celebrate. A ridiculous amount of pyro is followed by Vegas show girls, and of course Chris Jericho. Jericho introduces Kevin Owens, who doesn’t looks very happy to be in this segment.

They walk down to the ring, Jericho with the show girls and Owens way behind. Owens looks extremely displeased to be involved in this. The ring is covered in all red, with signs, and two items covered by red sheets revealed to be presents.

The first present to Owens is a sculpture of friendship. It appears to be two people intertwined and about to kiss. This represents Jeri-KO’s friendship. Chris says it cost him 7 grand.

The next present is a painting. Jericho half naked on a bed touching fingers with Owens on a cloud or some shit. It’s so fucking gay, it’s a play off the “Creation of Adam”. Owens says he can’t use the portrait at home because he has kids and points out Jericho is almost naked ad has no pants.

Jericho has one more present. It’s magic. Jericho has hired a magician for Owens. He does some lame tricks. He turns fire into a flower, he pulls streamers out of his mouth. Owens says his 9 year old can do these tricks. Jericho is mad at “Friendship the Magician”. The magician makes THE LIST.

The guy has no idea how to reacts and Jericho tells him to do one more track and disappear. Jericho found him on Craig’s List.

Jericho has a final present. He’s going to take Goldberg out before Fastlane. Jericho challenges Goldberg, RIGHT NOW.

Jericho starts to tell Goldberg that he’s going to get……. Raw goes to commercial.

Like a pro, Jericho finishes his line… “IT”. He calls out Goldberg.

And out comes…… GILLBERG!

It’s Gillberg, completely with sparklers!

Owens flattens Gillberg on the ramp. Gillberg needs to team with James Ellsworth.

Owens is pissed now. He shits on Jericho’s gifts and the Gillberg comedy. He wants to be serious and kick Goldberg’s ass. Fans chant for Gillberg.

Jericho gets serious and thanks Owens for the great year in the business. He thanks KO for everything and says that this was to show his appreciation.

Jericho promises to make sure Owens wins over Goldberg at Fastlane. He calls Owens his brother and says he loves him.

Owens feels bad now. He apologizes and thanks Jericho for the kind gestures. They hug and love each other. Awwww

Owens has something for Jericho too. It’s a new LIST. But it’s the LIST OF KO.

And there’s only one name on the list. CHRIS JERICHO IS ON THE LIST????

Jericho’s smile turns to confusion and OWENS MAULS JERICHO.

KEVIN OWENS BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF JERICHO.

Jericho gets beat down on the floor and POWERBOMB ON THE APRON!

And he’s not done. Trembling with rage, Owens sends Jericho through a glass TV monitor.

KO holds up the title and knocks over Jericho’s art as he leaves the ring. The officials put a towel over Jericho’s face to sell like he’s bleeding.

The announcers have gone silent as KO walks out.

Holy shit did a lot just happened.

I feel bad for whatever has to follow this.

=======================================================

* To the Ambulance. Chris Jericho is on a stretcher and being placed in an ambulance.

* Enzo and Cass do their routine in the ring. The crowd doesn’t get some of the references. Some of their stuff lately hasn’t been so good. Their lines are still over though.

=======================================================

– ENZO VS. CESARO –

Cass and Sheamus are at ringside. Just another match to make Enzo look inferior to everyone else on the roster. Cesaro throws Enzo up into the air for an uppercut which is enough to beat him in 3:00. This was nothing and I find it pathetic how they use Enzo.

Winner is Cesaro

* To the Charlotte. She runs into Sasha Banks in the back. They exchange some words. Charlotte says Sasha can’t win anymore. Woo

=======================================================

* Next week it’s Strowman vs. Big Show

–WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. BAYLEY –

They lock up, and Charlotte powers Bayley into the ropes before giving a clean break. Charlotte smirks at her and backs up. They lock up agaib, and Charlotte wrenches the arm. Charlotte takes her down and applies an overhead wristlock. Charlotte is smiling the whole while. Bayley fights up and rolls out, but Charlotte takes her down by the hair. Charlotte taunts the crowd. Bayley quickly rolls her up for a two count. Bayley connects with an arm drag and wrenches the arm. Charlotte tries to roll out, but Bayley rolls with her. Bayley rolls her up for a one count. Charlotte quickly gets in the ropes to take a breath. Charlotte gets her in the corner and pushes her. Bayley then pushes her back. Charlotte gets out of the ring to rethink her strategy. Commercial time.

Raw rolls on. Charlotte is in control but Bayley turns it around and unloads. Charlotte ends up launching the back of Bayley’s neck into the turnbuckles. Charlotte mounts Bayley with rights now. Charlotte keeps control and works on the neck. Bayley comes back with a jawbreaker but Charlotte cuts her comeback off. Charlotte with the backbreaker – neckbreaker combo, holding it into a neck submission. Charlotte with another neckbreaker. Charlotte keeps control and drops Bayley with a hard chop. Charlotte with a standing Dragon Sleeper now. Bayley makes it to the ropes and reverses the hold. It’s broken but Bayley kicks her into the corner.

Charlotte ends up knocking Bayley off the apron with a big boot as she tries to make another comeback. Charlotte goes out and sends Bayley into the barrier. Charlotte goes to the top of the barrier and crashes into Bayley with a moonsault. Charlotte brings it back in the ring but Bayley kicks out at 2. Charlotte covers for another 2 count. Charlotte with another pin attempt as she shows frustration. They trade shots now. Bayley blocks a boot and unloads. Charlotte stops her with a chop. Charlotte with a boot to the back. They collide in mid-air and both go down.

Bayley gets up and unloads for the comeback. Bayley with a big suplex. Bayley hits the springboard elbow for a close 2 count. Bayley with more offense until Charlotte suckers her in. Bayley comes right back with a side suplex. Bayley goes to the top and hits the big elbow drop for another close 2 count. Charlotte comes back and hits a boot. Charlotte goes to the top but Bayley cuts her off. Bayley climbs up and nails the top rope hurricanrana for a 2 count. Dana Brooke appears on the apron but Bayley knocks her. Bayley counters Charlotte and gets the Figure Four applied on Charlotte. Dana rakes Bayley in the eyes and the hold is broken. Fans boo. Charlotte applies the Figure Four and bridges it into the Figure Eight. Sasha Banks runs down and breaks a crutch over Dana’s back. She nails Charlotte and the hold is broken. Bayley hits the Bayley-to-Belly suplex for the win and the title.

Winner and New RAW Women’s Champion: Bayley

– After the match, Bayley’s music hits as Sasha looks on. Bayley celebrates with the title. Sasha hits the ring to join her and they both get emotional as we go to replays. We come back and the celebration continues as fans cheer for Bayley. RAW goes off the air with the new champion celebrating.

THE WWE RAW REPORT

FEBRUARY 6, 2017
THE MODA CENTER – PORTLAND, OR

The Road to WrestleMania has begun and we’ve already encountered a MAJOR speed bump along the way. With Seth Rollins re-injuring his knee last week it appears there may be a detour on the Road. Tonight on Raw…. We learn the latest members of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2017, plus Cesaro and Sheamus get their Tag Title rematch against Gallows & Anderson, Goldberg answers Brock Lesnar’s WrestleMania challenge, Samoa Joe signs his WWE Raw contract, and plenty more. I hope.

Check back when Raw begins at 8pm eastern for live coverage throughout the night.

– SAMOA JOE SIGNS HIS RAW CONTRACT –

Mick Foley and Bitch Steph are in the ring for the contract signing. Foley announces Samoa Joe very shittily, so Bitch Steph announces him again with more meaning. Foley is shitty because he doesn’t like how Joe got his contract nor who Joe is aligning himself with.

Joe says it took him 18 years to get to the WWE. Joe tells Foley only Triple H opened the door for him. Nobody else. Joe puts the entire WWE locker room on notice. He will destroy everyone. Samoa Joe is ‘the Destroyer’. Foley tries to shake Joe’s hand when….

Roman Reigns comes out. Is this the new Dusty Rhodes? Is he involved in every fucking angle on the fucking show? Reigns sarcastically introduces himself to Joe. The two have some words.

Foley books Joe vs. Reigns for tonight.

Damn.

=======================================================

– BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –

The tub-o-goo Jax dominates as the match gets going. Bayley snaps Jax’s throat across the middle rope in an attempt to gain control. It doesn’t last long. Nia blocks a turnbuckle smash and drives Bayley’s face into it. Bayley takes a wipe out bump and Raw takes a break.

Raw rolls on. Bayley takes a nasty biel and Jax mocks her signature taunt. Bayley fights from her back. Jax sucks at selling. Bayley lays into Jax in the corner, but Nia eventually mows her over and sends Bayley out to the floor. Jax winds up running into the ring post twice and knocks herself out. The ref puts the count on Jax, but Charlotte comes running down to stop the count. Bayley drags Charlotte into the ring and then dropkicks Flair back out of the ring. This distraction allowed Nia to recover and hit her Samoan Drop for the finish in 9:00.

Winner is Jax

=======================================================

– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. JOBBERS R’ US –

This is a 4 on 1 handicapped match. Yawn. For those curious, the names of the jobbers are Dusty Wallace, James Stock, CC Bonin and Rob Pelley. Strowman dominates. One of the jobbers runs away. LMAO. Strowman beats a guy in the head, for real. LOL. Strowman stacks the remaining 3 jobbers up in a pile and pins them in 2:00.

Winner is the Abdominable Strowman

Strowman on the mike. He is bitching about competition and said he warned Foley and is coming to find him. Wait, is this a replay from like a fucking month ago.

Braun stomps backstage and locates Foley. Braun wants everyone. Foley books Reigns vs. Strowman for Fastlane. Braun likes that.

* To the Tozawa. We get an Akira Tozawa video. Don’t get too excited, they’re putting him on 205 Live, but for tonight he’s on Raw.

=======================================================

– AKIRA TOZAWA VS. DREW GULAK –

Austin Aries joins commentary. I can’t see Tozawa losing here after getting a video in the last segment. Also, Gulak gets a jobber entrance. Actually, he gets no entrance, not even his name announced. Gulak calls on Tozawa and absorbs some chops, but falls to a straight punch. Drew does manage to kick Tozawa to the floor and take over. Gulak runs into a standing rana from Tozawa and Gulak ends up on the floor. Tozawa with a fucking suicide headbutt dive. Back in the ring Akira with a SHINING WIZARD for a near fall. Stiff kicks follow, some counters lead to Tozawa and his patented German Suplex gets the 3 count in 4:00.

Winner is Tozawa

Brian Kendrick comes out to welcome Tozawa. He shakes his hand. Kendrick walks away. I guess with Tajiri sidelines, Vince figures they all look the same. Ugh.

Tozawa is something special. This is someone who can put on a classic match with the likes of a Neville.

=======================================================

– KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO SEGMENT –

Owens told everyone he was the best and he continued to prove it last week when he retained against Strowman.

Jericho is upset that Tom Brady is being called the GOAT, he stole that from Jericho. Tom Brady…. You just made the list.

Jericho wants to create the biggest main event in WrestleMania history. Jericho vs. Owens. Champion vs. Champion!

Owens agrees, it’s a huge match, but KO doesn’t think he could fight his BFF. The seed is planted, but they’re interrupts by….

GOLDBERG to the ring. No bleeding this week. He offers to fight both Jericho and KO right now, but they step back and let him talk. Goldberg addresses the Lesnar challenge from last week. Goldberg has never turned down a fight, so he accepts Brock’s challenge for WM33. Lots of Goldberg chants.

Owens calls it a “perfect undercard match”. Owens asks Goldberg if he knows why KO is the longest reigning Universal Champion. Goldberg replies “Yes, because you’ve never fought me”. Goldberg challenges KO to a title match at Fastlane.

Jericho is about to add Goldberg to the list, when Goldberg snatches the list and puts his name on their himself and says he just made the list. Jericho is mad that the crowd is popping. Jericho never liked Goldberg. Chris is pissed and agrees to a match at Fastlane. Jericho agrees to Goldberg vs….. Owens at Fastlane. lol.

Goldberg tells Owens that he and his title, are next.

Kevin looks concerned, Jericho tries to boost his confidence.

=======================================================

* To the Jeri-KO. Owens can’t believe Jericho has done this to him. Jericho points out he’s always had Owens back. KO disagrees that agreeing to a Goldberg title shot is not having Kevin’s back. Owens walks out worried, and Jericho looks a little smug.

– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS GALLOWS / ANDERSON VS. CESARO / SHEAMUS –

Enzo & Cass are sitting ringside and looking to challenge the winners of the title match. At least the Rusev/Mahal shit is over.

The faces take over early. They hit a nicely timed rolling senton / double stomp combo. Cesaro goes into his uppercut routine on Anderson. Gallows distracts and Anderson levels Cesaro with a jumping boot. Cesaro rolls outside and walks into a boot to the head by Gallows as well. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Cesaro tries to leap for a hot tag but jumps into an Anderson spinebuster for 2. Cesaro sidesteps an Anderson charge and Karl crotches himself on the buckle. Sheamus hot tags in. Sheamus spin kick in the corner and a top rope clothesline gets 2 on Karl. Sheamus lays in the 10 beats of the whatever. Cesaro and Sheamus with an assisted powerslam for 2. Cesaro uppercuts Gallows to the floor. Gallows lands at the feet of Enzo. Gallows superkicks Enzo. Cass gets up and Big Boots Gallows, causing a DQ in 8:00.

Winners by DQ Gallows & Anderson

Here’s a quick rant for you, and this is hardly the first time they’ve done this. But why in the FUCK do they cut away immediately following a decision and we miss the wrestler’s mannerisms and expressions. This would have been the perfect time to show the heels slink away with sly smiles and the title belts, Sheamus and Cesaro looking upset at Enzo & Cass for costing them, and Enzo & Cass trying to explain themselves to the challengers. I guess there’s no time for that 30 seconds of facial expressions story telling to further the story. You can’t fit it all in when you ONLY have THREE HOURS AND TEN MINUTES of time.

Shit like that is why the mid card shit doesn’t get over, and I don’t think it’s an accident. Vince was producing post match selling 30 fucking years ago on SNME so it’s not like he forgot about it. They just don’t give a fuck.

=======================================================

* To the Rollins injury. A replay of last week’s segment with Triple H, Samoa Joe, and Seth Rollins, where Seth re-injures his knee. We learn that Rollins has torn his MCL and his participation at WrestleMania is in serious doubt.

* To a New Day. They cut a promo on their opponents, the Shining Stars. They feed some people Booty O’s. They talk about Ice Cream. I have no fucking idea what is going on.

=======================================================

– NEW DAY VS. THE SHINING STARS –

It’s Big E and Xavier in the ring. Kofi on the floor. Match is in progress. New Day dominating. The Stars come back with a enzuigiri to the face into a Russian leg sweep gets 2 on Woods. Chinlock shit follows. Crowd is starting to fall asleep. What I wouldn’t give to hear Carlito’s music randomly hit right now. The Colons continue the generic heel move set. Epico with a top wrist lock. Primo with a shoulder block into the corner and he puts Woods on the top rope. Xavier knocks Primo off the ropes, Woods missile dropkick on Primo and hot tag to Big E. Belly to bellies for all. Big E Splash on Epico. Woods tornado DDT on Primo. New Day land the ‘Midnight Hour’ on Epico for the win. 6:00 shown.

Winners are New Day

That was certainly longer than I expected.

* To the Charly Caruso with Chris Jericho. Charly is sporting some dark slutty lipstick. My wife wore that color on New Years Eve. I fucked the shit out of her that night. She came twice. But that’s another story. Kevin Owens comes in and Charly is ran off. KO is starting to come to his senses, he trusts Jericho and knows he will beat Goldberg because Jericho has his back. Just like KO will have Jericho’s back tonight against Sami Zayn.

=======================================================

* TO THE ROCK N’ ROLL. The Rock & Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson) are announced as the latest inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame, Class of 2017. Rock n’ Roll!

– U.S. CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO VS. SAMI ZAYN –

Owens is in Jericho’s corner. Back and forth to start. Sami nails the arm drags and a cradle for a 2 count. Jericho goes to the floor for a breather and a talk with Owens. Sami comes out and chases Jericho back into the ring. Jericho dropkicks him in the face as he enters. Jericho works Sami over in the corner and plays to the crowd now. Sami fights out. Sami makes a comeback and goes for a Helluva Kick but Jericho escapes to the floor. Sami runs the ropes and leaps out onto Jericho. Raw goes to commercial.

Raw rolls on, and Jericho lands the Lionsault for a near fall. Zayn blocks the Codebreaker and hits an Exploder into the corner. Zayn tries a Helluva Kick, but Jericho sidesteps and tries the Walls. Sami counters into a roll up for 2. Blue Thunder Bomb gets 2 on Jericho as well. Zayn tries a tornado DDT off the top but Jericho somehow counters it into the Walls of Jericho!

Sami crawls to the ropes and forces the break. Jericho distracts the referee while Owens superkicks Sami in the face while Zayn is draping over the bottom rope. Zayn turns into a Codebreaker and Jericho wins in 10:00.

Winner is Jericho

Would have liked to seen this saved for Fastlane.

=======================================================

* To the Banks Statement. Sasha Banks is in physical therapy with a trainer to take care of her knee. Charlotte strolls in to gloat about Sasha’s injury while Charlotte continues to defend her title. Charlotte shits all over Banks who doesn’t even get a line to respond. How fucking shitty. They don’t even let Banks speak? She just talked down to like a bitch and told she’s shit an that she’s done and then she doesn’t even respond? How the fuck is that realistic. Fucking garbage.

* To the Aries. We have Austin Aries in the ring to interview the Cruiserweight Champion, Neville. We’re told Rich Swann suffered an ankle injury last week. Aries has more news. Tomorrow on 205 Live. It’s TJ Perkins, Tone Nese, Cedric Alexander, Noam Dar, and Jack Gallagher in a Fatal Five Way tomorrow. The winner meets Neville at Fastlane. Aries asks Neville which one scares him the most. Nobody scares Neville, dammit.

Cedric Alexander interrupts. Crowd doesn’t make a fucking noise. Noam Dar is next. Still not a peep from the fans. Jack Gallagher gets a pop, and deservely so. He has his umbrella, William III with him. Tony Nese follows. And last, and also least is TJ Perkins. The crowd does not want to see this. This quickly leads to a brawl between everyone in the match. The ring clears and it leaves Gallagher and Neville in the ring. Gallagher sends Neville to the floor. All the cruisers start to dive out onto each other. With all the cruisers down, Neville plays up that he’s going to dive out onto all of them. Neville starts to sprint towards them and then puts on the brakes. FUCK YOU FANS! HEELS DON’T DIVE! Stupid WWE Universe.

=======================================================

• EMMALINA IS COMING TO RAW. NEXT WEEK! COME BABY COME.

–TJ PERKINS / JACK GALLAGHER / CEDRIC ALEXANDER
VS.
NEVILLE / TONY NESE / NOAM DAR

This match was made during the break and joined in progress. Gallagher is taking a beating. Gallagher cracks Nese with a head butt Hot tag to Perkins and Dar. Perkins takes out Dar, Noam wants to tag in Neville but Neville walks out and leaves his team. Cedric comes in with a Lumbar Check on Dar for the win in 5:15.

* To the Jeri-KO. Jericho says they need to show how great the bond is between the two. Jericho announces the ‘Festival of Friendship’ for next week on Raw. The biggest celebration in WWE history.

=======================================================

– ROMAN REIGNS VS. SAMOA JOE –

So we have Samoa Joe vs. a Samoan named Joe.

We go to the ring and out comes Roman Reigns for tonight’s main event. Reigns makes his way down the ramp when Samoa Joe attacks from behind. Joe beats Reigns at ringside and sends him into the barrier. Joe drops Reigns with a clothesline and drives Reigns into the apron as the referee looks on from the ring. Joe continues the beat down on Reigns and sends Reigns into the ring post. Joe with a senton on the floor and we go to commercial.

Raw rolls on. And the match is just now starting! The bell finally sounds. Joe unloads and beats Reigns down in the corner. Reigns fights back and sends Joe outside. Reigns follows and launches Joe into the barrier. Reigns brings it back into the ring and goes to work on Joe in the corner. Joe turns it around in the opposite corner and drops Reigns with a stiff kick. Reigns eats chops from Joe. Reigns fires right back with right hands. Joe cuts him off with an elbow to the face. Joe with a chop to the neck, kicks and an elbow drop for a 2 count. Joe keeps control and works Reigns around the ring. Joe keeps Reigns down with a knee to the spine now.

Reigns looks to make another comeback now. They trade shots in the middle of the ring. Reigns with strikes and headbutts. Reigns with a big clothesline off the ropes. More back and forth. Joe drops Reigns and hits another senton for a 2 count. Reigns catches Joe with a Samoan Drop out of nowhere an gets a 2 count.

Reigns readies for a Superman punch but Joe rolls to the floor. Reigns runs around and hits the Drive By right into Joe’s chin. Reigns rolls Joe back into the ring and nails a Superman punch. Just then, music hits and out comes Braun Strowman!

Braun trucks to the ring but Reigns nails him on the apron with a big right hand. Braun no sells it and stares at Reigns. Reigns with a Superman punch to knock Braun off the apron. Joe with a kick from behind to Reigns. Joe ends up catching Reigns in a spinning Uranage for the pin in 10:15.

Winner is Samoa Joe

After the match, Braun looks on from ringside as Joe stands tall. We go to replays. Braun enters the ring and scoops Reigns for the running powerslam.

Braun sends Reigns to the floor but Reigns fights back. Braun drops him with one big blow to the chest. Strowman takes apart the steel steps and waits for Reigns to get up. Braun runs and cracks Reigns in the face with the steps.

Braun yells and tosses the steps before going back after Reigns. Braun scoops Reigns and hits a big running powerslam through the barrier! Damn

Referees check on Reigns and warn Braun to back off as RAW goes off the air.