Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back again with another Smackdown Live report.
WWE SMACKDOWN PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- They spent the first ten minutes of the preshow selling Lesnar vs. Orton for Summer Slam. They air the same video as they did yesterday. Orton will face Alberto Del Rio tonight.
- Booker T rips the shit out of Miz and Disco Inferno. He doesn’t give a shit what he says. He compares Apollo Crews to himself and Miz to Disco “just taking up space” on the roster. Ouch.
- American Alpha have arrived. They beat the Villains last week. Eva Marie also debuted last week, kinda. She’s set to debut again this week. Don’t hold your breath.
- There were two women’s matches scheduled for last week and neither happened. This week it’s Natalya vs. Carmella again. It sounds like they’re just rehashing last week’s show.
- They finally get to the meat and potatoes of the show with 5 minutes to go. They talk Cena vs. Styles, Ziggler vs. Ambrose, The Wyatt Family attack last week.
WWE SMACKDOWN LIVE
August 9, 2016 – BAKERSFIELD, CA
ROBOBANK ARENA
Smackdown kicks off with the new chick Charly Caruso in the back with an arriving Orton. He has some words for Brock Lesnar. Alberto Del Rio confronts Randall. They have a match tonight.
Now that we’ve established that it’s time for some rasslin.
Or talking.
– THE WYATT FAMILY SEGMENT –
Before the promo even starts I’ll go out a limb and guess this leads to a tag team main event against Ziggler and Ambrose. Last week everything was taken from Bray again but that’s okay because he is a GOD and you can’t kill a GOD. Wyatt says that Ambrose already tried killing him before and didn’t succeed. This leads
TO THE DEAN AMBROSE
Deano Machine-o have a back and forth verbal joust. Wyatt invites Dean into the ring but he’s too smart for that now. He is? This leads
TO THE DOLPH ZIGGLER
Ziggler walks right past Ambrose on the outside and hits the ring. Ziggler wants revenge from last week and attacks the Wyatts. It doesn’t take long before the Wyatts gain the advantage and Dean Ambrose jumps in to help Dolph.
Bray grabs Dean for Sister Abigail. Ziggler goes to Superkick Wyatt but Bray turns Ambrose into it and Dolph Superkicks Dean in the back of the head which looked pretty badass.
Dolph gets pissed because he hit the wrong man. Ziggler Superkicks Rowan but then Dolph turns around into Sister Abigail.
The Wyatts reigns supreme bitch.
Wow. Cool. They ended the segment with the heels looking strong for once. I’m good with that.
Break time.
* TO THE BACK. Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose are arguing. Dean thinks Dolph hit him on purpose. Dolph didn’t need Dean’s help. They’re
– AMERICAN ALPHA VS. MIKEY O’SHEA & MIKE VEGA –
Look at these jobbers. Is this Superstars 1990? Fat shit jobber and skinny jobber. Before the match can start all the Smackdown tag teams (all 3) come out to watch Alpha. To get an idea of the “depth” of SD teams I’m referring to Vaudevillains, Ascension, and Hype Brothers. God help us all. The jobbers seem semi-lost and somebody is going to get hurt doing 2016 moves against guys like this. This isn’t 1988 where it’s kick, punch, backdrop, finisher. Anyway, American Alpha win in like a fucking minute.
Winners are American Alpha
After the match the three other teams hit the ring and American Alpha clears the ring of all of them. Looking at this tag team field maybe working jobbers isn’t so bad. Like the Colons or Dudleys couldn’t have been used better over here? Or any team worth a shit for that matter. Fucking cripes sake this is the worst tag division ever. They better keep that Smackdown tag team title plan on hold.
TO THE RENEE YOUNG. She’s with the Miz and Maryse. An Apollo Crews video airs. He’s fighting Miz for the IC title at Summer Slam. Miz and Maryse want to have sex and don’t even acknowledge Crews. What a way to get a guy over.
– EVA MARIE VS. BECKY LYNCH –
“Rematch” #1 from last week that never happened. No injury this week but Eva gets a wardrobe malfunction and her top falls off. Nothing is shown it was planned. Eva can’t wrestle because she has no top.
TO TH BECKY LYNCH. She’s pissed about Eva pulling this shit twice but Becky isn’t leaving without a fight with someone. Becky challenges anyone right now. Alexa Bliss accepts the challenge and the fans could give a shit less.
Over a half an hour into the program and we’ve had one minute of wrestling.
– BECKY LYNCH VS. ALEXA BLISS –
40 Minutes into the show and we finally have a match…in progress. Bliss already has control of the bout. Becky Hulks up and makes a big come back complete with an Exploder Suplex when EVA MARIE is reintroduced. She’s ready to compete. The announcer who does Eva’s shtick is funny. I like it. This just winds up being a distraction to allow Bliss to spike Becky into the mat and hit a spinning splash off the top rope called Twisted Bliss or some shit.
Becky can’t catch a break for shit.
Winner is Alexa Bliss
After the match Charly Caruso interviews Eva Marie outside the ring. She gives an insincere interview and says she will be ready to fight next week. Tough luck Becky.
– RANDY ORTON VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO –
Randy looking strong early on. Del Rio does a nice fake out bump to the floor where he catches himself on the apron. Pretty cool shit. Orton bounces Rio off the top rope and sends him to the floor and Smackdown rolls on after the commercials. Apparently Orton dominated all through break. Garvin Stomp for a 2 count.
Del Rio hits a Back Stabber and sends Orton into the post. Del Rio finally gets some offense working in the arm of Randy. Rio with a top rope PUNCH. What a gay move. Orton thinks so to so he comes back with a standing dropkick and looks for his daddy’s superplex. Rio turns it into a cross armbreaker over the top rope so Rio has to break it. Take 2. Orton with the Superplex this time but sells his shoulder. Shots get traded and Randy goes into his deal. Snap powerslam. Some sloppy ass counters leads to a draping DDT.
Randy wants an RKO but ADR rolls outside. Orton meets him on the floor. Del Rio cracks Orton in his bad shoulder with a chair twice. This draws a DQ in 12 minutes.
Winner on a DQ is Randy Orton
Del Rio goes to town on Orton’s shoulder with the steel post and chair but Orton still manages an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE. Del Rio goes down and Orton sells his shoulder like he has a mosquito bite.
That was NOT a very good match.
TO THE RHYNO. In the back Rhyno is getting ready for his match when Heath Slater drops by. Slater wants Rhyno to job for him so he can get a job to help support his family, his two kids. Rhyno talks about winning his election in Michigan and how he can’t let anyone down. Slater said he has four kids to feed. Rhyno brings up how Slater just said he had two kids before. Slater is asking Rhyno to help him out tonight. Rhyno says he can’t help and walks off.
Sadly that was the best thing on the show so far.
– RHYNO VS. HEATH SLATER –
So here’s the point of this match. IF SLATER WINS HE GETS A CONTRACT. Typical match to start. Rhyno starts Rhynoing up. Belly to belly on Slater. Rhyno misses a Gore. Roll up by Heath but the ref catches Slater’s feet on the ropes. GORE GORE GORE ends it. Rhyno wins in under 2 minutes.
Winner is Rhyno
Better luck next time Heathy. JBL yells out on commentary during the close, “Rhyno, you damn politician!” After the match, we see a shot of a very upset Heath Slater in the ring.
* TO THE ERICK ROWAN, who interrupts appearing on the big screen. Bray Wyatt asks Rowan to prepare to give his life for this family. Wow, really? Wyatt asks Rowan to destroy. Rowan finishes it saying, “Run.”
* TO THE BACKSTAGE. Shane McMahon has a contract and asks Daniel Bryan if he really wants to do this. Daniel Bryan said Heath Slater embodies the fighting spirit of Smackdown. Heath Slater walks in yelling at both Shane and Bryan. He said Smackdown Live doesn’t deserve him. Slater walks off as Shane and Bryan close up the contract. WHAT DID YOU JUST DO HEATH? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Carmella is out cutting a promo when Natalya runs out trying to attack her. Carmella sees it coming and throws elbows at Natalya. They run into the ring and keep brawling. The referee separates both and then calls for the bell to kick things off.
– NATALYA VS. CARMELLA –
Carmella jumps and tackles Natalya early. Natalya throws Carmella back off the ropes. Nattie is just woman handling her like bitch you dont belong in the ring with me. If Nattie cant make you look good you should’nt be here, go be a valet again. Nattie puts Carmella in an ab stretch/octopus and said BADA BOOM. Hehe. Carmella does some gay looking figure four head scissor thing and Nattie fucking taps. What the fuck was that shit?
Winner is Carmella
Carmella looked terrible and her only offense was the finish.
* TO THE BARON CORBIN. Cameras catch Corbin beating the shit out of poor little Kalisto backstage. He even picks him up against the wall to make him look even more like a bitch. Corbin is pissed because Kalisto prevented Baron from winning the IC Title challenger match. Meanwhile the guy who won, Apollo Crews, is nowhere to be found on the show.
– DEAN AMBROSE & DOLPH ZIGGLER VS. BRAY WYATT & ERICK ROWAN –
While Dean and Dolph argue over who will start, they’re attacked by the Wyatts. Ziggler gets beat up by both and Smackdown rolls to a break. When we return, Wyatt misses a senton splash. Hot taggy to Ambrose. This crowd is simply dreadful. Ambrose with his bulldog spot on Wyatt and a dive outside onto Rowan. When Dean goes back in the ring he runs right into a bad ass clothesline from Wyatt. Rowan comes in and puts Dean on the top rope and fucking big BOOTS him to the floor. Damn man. Ambrose won’t stay down he keeps fighting back but Bray hits a urinage on Dean right on the corner of the apron. Dean continues to fight though, missing his lunatic lariat but connecting with a neckbreaker. Ziggler gets the hot taggp next. Rowan doesn’t bump for Dolph’s hot tag clotheslines and it looks awkward as fuck. Ziggler plants Rowan with the spike DDT and nearly gets the win.
Rowan clobbers Dean with his only move, the spinning kick. Ziggler escapes a powerbomb and hits the Zigzag, but Wyatt breaks up the cover. Dean knocks Bray to the floor and tries a suicide dive but fucks it up and nearly commits suicide. Bray still sell the dive though. Rowan tries a Rock bottom but Ziggler spins out and connects with a superkick for the victory in 11 minutes.
Winners are Ziggler and Ambrose
After the match Ziggler celebrates until Ambrose catches him with Dirty Deeds. This crowd was the shits. They barely made a noise during the hot tags. This wasn’t much but it was by far better than Raw.
