THE WWE RAW REPORT

APRIL 10, 2017
THE NEW COLISEUM – UNIONDALE, NY

Superstar shake-up time. We already know Apollo Crews has joined the Raw brand. What a catch. If he ever wants any type of push he better drop down to 205 in a hurry. Let’s see what else shakes down, or “shakes up” as the show unfolds.

And John Cena’s music hits. Out comes…….

– THE MIZ & MARYSE / DEAN AMBROSE SEGMENT –

Miz and Maryse come out dressed as John Cena and Nikki Bella. Apparently the Miz got over on Smackdown so of course he gets moved to Raw. Bullshit move #1 by Vince. They continue mocking Cena & Nikki as a promo.

They’re interrupted by…..

DEAN AMBROSE TOO???????? WHAT THE FUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dean Ambrose to Raw. Just WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK YOU VINCE. So now the IC Title is also on Raw.

Ambrose comes out and talks to Miz like he is really John Cena. Dean rips on Miz.

The Miz has to explain to Ambrose that they really aren’t Cena and Nikki. Maryse removes her wig. Miz removes his Cena hat.

Ambrose says, “Well in that case”, and hits a DIRTY DEEDS.

This was a big segment as far as introducing new Raw members, but it was a throw away that did little more than show off the “new” talent.

======================================================

* To the Angle. Kurt Angle, that is. Sami Zayn interrupts a phone call to see if he is remaining on Raw. Angle admits that Smackdown is interested in Zayn. The Miz & Maryse interrupt. Angle books Zayn vs Miz tonight. Maybe Zayn wins the belt and goes to SD?

–  NEW DAY VS. THE REVIVAL –

Kofi is MIA with a broken ankle or something at the hands of The Revival last week. Big E does have a blow up doll dressed up as Kofi. Woods and E look for revenge and dominate it early. Assisted wheelbarrow splash by Woods gets a 2 count. Distraction lets Revival take control just before the break.

Raw rolls on. Revival is wearing down Woods. Rolling forearm by Woods finally gives him enough time to hot tag out to E. A trio of belly to bellies and the big splash connects on Dash. Dawson with a sneaky cheap shot allows Dash to roll E up for a near fall.

Woods blind tags in and leaps 20 feet across the ring for a springboard elbow that on Dash for a near fall. New Day go for Midnight Hour, but Big E is dumped and Woods jumps into the SHATTER MACHINE and Woods lands on his FUCKING FACE and flips over onto his back from his face. Fucking nasty. Revival wins in 9:00.

Winners are the Revival

======================================================

* To Charly’s boobs. She’s with Neville. Neville will face Austin Aries again. He says Aries isn’t on the Neville Level. TJ Perkins interrupts to boos from the fans.Perkins just looks like a douche bag. Perkins is going to shut Neville up or some shit. Neville says Perkins will never get a title shot again and he needs to look at himself. He was the first Cruiser champion, and now he’s a joke. Neville claims he’s the only one who has respect for Perkins. Austin Aries joins in. He tells TJ that Neville is lying. Neville tells Perkins that only Neville has the power to give TJ another title shot. Umm ok? Aries asks Perkins if he’s buying into Neville’s con game. Perkins walks off. Aries peels a banana. For real.

* Oh sweet Jesus, Raw has Curt Hawkins. He says he’s the greatest get since the Louisiana Purchase. Where’s the welcome party? Here comes the welcome party.

– CURT HAWKINS VS. THE BIG SHOW –

OK, so apparently this is not a match. Big Show walks in, KNOCK OUT PUNCH drops Hawkins Show leaves. Other than a pin fall cover, this was a win for Show.

======================================================

– AUSTIN ARIES VS. TJ PERKINS –

Neville joins for commentary. Perkins needs a character change. I don’t get his video game entrance. It has nothing to do with his character. Match is fine. Solid back and forth. Perkins misses a wrecking ball dropkick on the apron. Aries sends him to the floor. Aries with a top rope double axe handle to the floor. Aries taunts Neville, and that brings Neville to the ramp. Aries becomes distracted but beats the count back inside. Perkins uses this to score an inside cradle victory in 5:00.

Winner is Perkins

What shitty ass 50/50 booking.

Perkins then attacks Neville from behind. Detonation Kick to Austin and leaves him laying.

Crowd chants to Perkins “you still suck”.

* To the backstage. Rollins runs into Enzo and Cass. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but Seth is next to discuss his “future”.

======================================================

– SETH ROLLINS / KURT ANGLE SEGMENT –

Seth with a heartfelt speech about making it through WrestleMania and he claims he has a lot left to settle on Raw. Seth still isn’t sure bout how his future will be handled because of what happened at Mania (they reply Steph going through  table). He fears Steph will get healthy and come back and every week she will take it out on Rollins.

Seth teases taking the easy road and going to Smackdown, but he took the easy road once before and he’s not doing it gin. Rollins isn’t leaving Raw without a fight.

KURT ANGLE heads out to the ring. Kurt admits Steph wants Seth gone. But Kurt is here to put on the best show he can, and Kurt’s show has Seth Freakin’ Rollins. As long as Kurt is GM, Seth has a home on Raw. It’s damn true.

Samoa Joe attacks Rollins after the promo. Kurt Angle tries to break it up repeatedly. Rollins superkicks Joe in the face twice to send him to the floor. Joe wants at Seth but decides to back off for now.

* To Charly’s boobs again. She’s with Kevin Owens. KO mocks Chris Jericho being t home after being put through a table last week. KO is the U.S. Champion and the face of America. He’s the #1 contender on Raw. Charly points out Dean is IC Champ and here now also. Owens has choice words for Ambrose and reminds everyone that this is the KO Show.

======================================================

– CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. NIA JAX –

Announcers spend the entire match putting over Jax and making Charlotte sound washed up and in a slump. You can see what’s coming here. Jax no sells everything and hits Charlotte with a shoulder breaker, only she drops Charlotte’s fucking head on her fucking knee instead. For fucks sake. And THEN she drops Charlotte on her head on the mat too. Fuck you, garbage shit. Nia dominates. I think she fucked Charlotte up for real. Flair tries a sunset flip, sort of. Jax blocks it. Charlotte clips lard buckets leg. Natural Selection connects but Jax kicks out at 2.

Jax gets rammed into the ring post. Nia to the floor. Charlotte goes up for a Moonsault to the fucking floor. Jax doesn’t even catch her. Jax is so far back that Charlotte’s foot barely connects with Jax, both preventing Charlotte from being caught and preventing Charlotte from trying to land on her feet. Instead, she isn’t caught and she lands on her face. YOU SHITTY FUCKING FAT TUB OF LARD GOO FUCK FAT ASS GARBAGE PILE OF FAT SHIT LARD BUCKET GOO. FUCK YOU FUCK BAG SMELLY ROTTEN OLIVE LOAF KHUNT. You don’t belong in WWE.

Back in the ring Charlotte connects with a big boot for 2. Fat fuck barrel of garbage comes back with a Samoan drop for the win and Charlotte is off to Smackdown.

Winner is Shit Garbage Can

* To the Finn Balor. It’s a video of Balor spots and Finn doing a promo.

======================================================

– FINN BALOR VS. JINDER MAHAL –

Balor with a little offense. They give Jinder a short run in control of the match, including  legit fucking elbow to the side of Finn’s head. That was concussion worthy. Mahal was very stiff in this match, repeatedly hitting Balor in the head HARD more than once. Balor comes back with the Slingblade clothesline, shotgun dropkick, coup de grace ends this in 3:00.

Winner is Balor.

Lights cut out.

To the………

BRAY WYATT!!!!!!!! What the FUCK? Are you FUCKING serious? Get the fuck out of here. Rape mother fucking Smackdown why don’t you. FUCK THIS GARBAGE. Just cancel Smackdown. FUCK YOUUUU VINCE.

Bray puts over his House of Horrors match with Randy Orton which apparently now not only has an obvious conclusion, but means even less. Wyatt then warns Finn Balor to watch himself.

Fuck this shit.

======================================================

* Heath Slater, Rhyno, Apollo Crews and Kalisto are announced as joining Raw. Does that leave 3 guys on the active Smackdown roster? Holy FUCK.

– SAMI ZAYN VS. THE MIZ –

Miz bails early, Zayn tries a dive but Miz puts Maryse in front. Sami holds up. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Miz with the chinlock of fondness. Zayn blocks a superplex and sends Miz off the ropes. Miz still manages a DDT for 2. Miz mocks Daniel Bryan, even though he’s on Raw now. YES Kicks. Zayn ducks the big one and connects with a Blue Thunder Bomb for a near fall. Maryse pulls Miz out of the way of a Helluva Kick. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Sami counters into a victory roll up for the win in 8:30.

Winner is Zayn

======================================================

– ROMAN REIGNS / BRAUN STROWMAN SEGMENT –

Michael Cole has a sit down interview with Roman Reigns backstage. Reigns did what he had to do and it’s his yard now. Braun Strowman attacks. Strowman throws Reigns over some shit and through a table. HAH. Then rams Reigns repeatedly into a garage door. Powerslam on a crate. You just know Roman is Smackdown bound based on the way he’s being buried here. Strowman bowls a crate into Reigns’ body and face.

After Reigns is put on a stretcher, fans chant “Thank you Strowman” and “You deserve it”. People hate him.

Strowman steals the stretcher. With Reigns supposedly tied down, BRAUN PUSHES THE STRETCHER OFF A CONCRETE DELIVERY RAMP to the concrete parking lot. Now Reigns needs an Undertaker. Nevermind the fact that when he pushes the stretcher off the ramp it goes FLYING like it’s weightless and lands 20 feet away, then when they cut to Reigns laying there it’s about 6 feet away. HAH

They load Roman into an ambulance…. BUT STROWMAN ISN’T DONE!

Braun jumps into the ambulance, pounds on Reigns. Strowman then LIFTS THE FUCKING AMBULANCE AND TURNS IT ON IT’S SIDE. It’s almost effortless, like something off camera is jacking it up. Wink and nod.

OH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Strowman tips the ambulance over. Come on Vince. Fuck me. There’s a line you can cross of suspended disbelief, and that’s right here.

Just a little over the top. Yet another failed attempt to get sympathy for Reigns as the fans applaud.

======================================================

* To the Ambulance. Roman Reigns is being placed into a new ambulance. I wonder what Vince spent on destroying the other one. Reigns is off to the hospital. The fans chant “Hey Hey Goodbye” to Reigns. HAHAHA

* TO THE DRIFTER FROM NXT, he is randomly walking around the arena. What the fuck? Even HE goes to Raw?

– CESARO & SHEAMUS,  THE HARDY BOYZ
VS.
SHINING STARS, GALLOWS & ANDERSON –

Cesaro and Sheamus are dominating early on, mainly on Karl Anderson. The heels end up on the floor quickly and Raw goes to commercial.

Raw rolls on and the heels have Cesaro in their corner. Cesaro backdrops a star and tags to Matt Hardy. Matt does his old routine. Side Effect on Primo. Gallows stops a Twist of Fate on Epico. Everyone ends up on the floor. Jeff jumps off Matt’s back with a diving Swanton over the top rope to the floor onto everyone. One of the Stars eats a Swanton in the ring and the match is over in 7:00.

Winners are the Hardys, Cesaro, Sheamus

The two face teams shake hands after the match.

* To the EMMA. Emma is with Dana Brooke. Dana is reluctant to rejoin Emma as Emma is bossing her around. Brooke mocks “Emmalina”, which pisses Emma off. Dana admits she’s not the best, but she’s paying dues and learning how to get the job done on her own and she’s not going with Emma. Brooke leaves the locker room and Emma is pissed off. I’d like to help her release some of her stress. Now that Zack Ryder is out of the picture you can sit on my face slutty Emma.

======================================================

– BAYLEY / SASHA BANKS / AND ??? / AND ??? –

This segment basically starts off with Sasha and Bayley kissing each other’s asses when they’re interrupted by…..

ALEXA BLISS

Yet another jump.

But wait….

MICKIE JAMES JUMPS TOO

HOLY FUCK SHIT BALLS. JESUS.

Mickie is coming for the title, and settle things with Bliss.

NIA JAX mauls James from behind. Jax tosses the rest of the ladies except Bliss before she smashes Bayley and proclaims herself the next Women’s Champion.

Jax and Bliss cross paths on the ramp and Nia leaves her alone. Alexa smirks. What a great slutty heel Bliss is.

======================================================

* To the Roman Report. He has suffered cracked ribs, “internal injuries”, and a POSSIBLE separated shoulder. Did they not confirm the shoulder injury but they know about internal issues? This is over doing it a little.

– IC CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. US CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS –

No title on the line here. Bragging rights I guess. Match starts with Ambrose getting the better of things both in and out of the ring. Owens with a few shots but the match is Dean’s right now. A plancha outside by Dean onto KO takes us to the final commercial break.

Raw rolls on with Owens wearing down Dean. Long beat down on Ambrose and Dean gets thrown to the floor. Owens throws Dean ribs first into the post. Gut buster in the ring gets 2 on Ambrose. KO tries a senton but lands on the knees of Dean. Owens charges at Ambrose but takes a fall to the floor. Suicide Dive by Ambrose. Back into the ring and Dean continues on the offense. KO blocks Dirty Deeds but Ambrose continues with the rest of his arsenal. Owens blocks a bulldog, Dean blocks the Cannonball and crotches KO on the top rope. Dean clotheslines KO off the top rope for 2.

Back to the floor, Ambrose dives out onto KO. Back in the ring, KO counters Dean’s flying attack with a superkick, and a cradle powerbomb for a near fall on Ambrose. Ambrose counters the pop up powerbomb with a rana. Owens blocks Dirty Deeds, then Ambrose blocks his own Dirty Deeds from KO. Dean finally connects with DIRTY DEEDS and gets the win in 13:00.

Winner is Ambrose

To the Jericho Chris Jericho’s music hits after the match. Jericho hits the ring, Owens swings and misses, Jericho connects the CODEBREAKER. KO is laid out with Jericho’s music playing to end Raw.

Does Smackdown even exist anymore?

THE WWE RAW REPORT

APRIL 3, 2017
THE AMWAY CENTER – ORLANDO, FL

Well guys, it’s THAT Raw. The day after WrestleMania Raw. Usually, there’s surprises, debuts, returns, and all that good stuff. Let’s see what they throw at us this year. Oh, and the crowd is usually rowdy as fuck. So we’ll see how that plays out too. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little drained of wrestling energy after that fucking marathon show from last night known as Mania, but I’m going to try and power through this shit anyway.

* Pictures of the Reigns vs. Taker match with audio clips inserted opens Raw. Pan to the live crowd chanting “Under-Taker” for an EXTREMELY LONG fucking time. Like SEVERAL FUCKING MINUTES long. The chant eventually turns into dueling “Under-Taker” “Roman Sucks” chants. This fucking shit goes on for like 4 minutes. Pretty cool shit. And then comes the inevitable…..

– ROMAN REIGNS OPENS RAW –

Well, they went right after the big shitty elephant in the room. Reigns is boo’d out of the building as you’d expect. He comes out looking cocky like a fucking no good punk bitch jabroni. Fuck this doucher. And no, I’m not an Undertaker mark, i just think this fuck doesn’t deserve and hasn’t earned what’s being handed to him.

All the fans start DELETING Reigns. LMAO.

HOLY SHIT! A “FUCK YOU ROMAN” chant. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Followed by more “Deleting” and “You SUCK” chants. We’re ten minutes into Raw and they’ve been relentless to this fuck. “ASSHOLE” chants. HOLY FUCK THIS RULES.

They won’t let Roman talk. “Roman Sucks”. Every time he tries to speak there’s booing and more chants. “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and he hasn’t even spoken!!!!!!!!!!! This is fucking awesome.

“GO AWAY” chants.

He finally speaks…….. “THIS IS MY YARD NOW”.

GIGANTIC BOOS follow. Roman drops the mic and walks off. Thirteen minutes of Roman bashing. I loved every second.

Of course they immediately go to Michael Cole who has to explain that these aren’t the “normal fans”, which I assume means these fans aren’t the prototype WWE fan. Basically shitting on these fans. Fuck you powers that be, you’re the one that’s out of touch not the fucking fans. Shove it up your ass.

======================================================

#notmyromanreigns is trending, wonder if they will mention that one.

– RAW TAG CHAMPIONS THE HARDY BOYZ VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –

For some fucking reason Gallows has dyed the tip of his beard red??? Hardys are back but I hate that they’re using the old music and Jeff is basically back to old WWE Jeff Hardy. At least Matt is keeping some of his gimmick.

It’s all Hardy Boyz early. Anderson escapes a Twist of Fate but gets sent to the floor. A double clothesline sends Gallows to the floor as well. Matt Hardy calls for a DELETE. Raw goes to commercial.

Raw rolls on. That break felt longer than usual. Gallows has Matt in their challengers corner. Double teaming on Matt. “FUCK THAT OWL” chant, bwhaha TNA. “Obsolete” chant. Announcer just ignoring the chants now. Gallows with a giant boot to Matt but he misses an elbow. Mat hot tags it to Jeff.

Jeff does a lot of his signature spots on Gallows. To the floor. Jeff uses the steel steps for Poetry in Motion against the barricade on Gallows. They get back in the ring but Anderson distraction lets Gallows crotch Jeff. BOOT OF DOOM. 1–2–HARDY KICKS OUT! Near fall.

Looking for the Magic Killer. Matt pulls Anderson to the floor. Jeff with a Twist of Fate on Gallows. Matt also with a Twist of Fate on Gallows. Swanton Bomb ends it after 10:00.

Winners are the Hardys

Jeff almost UNDERSHOT the Swanton and landed really short. Some sloppy work by Jeff all around but I’ll give him a pass this week.

======================================================

* To the King of the Cruiserweights. Neville has beaten Austin Aries. He says Aries is a better talker than fighter. You can’t deny Neville’s results. Tomorrow on 205 Live, Neville will have a proper celebration for his Mania victory, but tonight…

Mustafa Ali’s music interrupts Neville’s promo and for the first time tonight the crowd doesn’t give a shit about someone. What a shit choice for tonight.

– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION NEVILLE VS. MUSTAFA ALI –

Ali wins the fans over early with flips and flying ranas. A unique spin kick takes Neville to the floor and a diving moonsault to Neville outside. Of course they no sell everything and race back into where Neville takes over. Neville beats down Ali and flings him to the floor for a commercial.

Raw rolls on. Ali stuns Neville with a well placed dropkick and rolling neckbreaker gets 2. Crowd is worked out about a beach ball. See, shit like that is where I can’t defend idiot crowds. Neville with a fucking nasty Saito Suplex. Clothesline turns Ali for a 360. “Beach Ball Mania” chant while Ali connects with a SPRINBOARD SPANISH FLY. Stupid fucking fans. REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER ON NEVILLE. HOLY SHIT Satellite DDT. 1–2– Neville gets his foot on the rope!

Ali misses the inverted 450. Neville with Red Arrow, no , fuck those fans. Neville just climbs down and locks in the Rings of Saturn instead. Bwaha. Ali taps in 11:00.

Winner is Neville

This is where the fans become the show instead of voicing their thoughts on the product. The fans came off as trash here, chanting retarded things about beach balls while two guys were doing the biggest spots you could possibly do. A springboard Spanish Fly AND a reverse Frankensteiner, but all the fans were worried about was chanting about beach balls. Focus on the product you fuck bags, go back to where you came from Euro Trash.

* To the Limo. IT’S VINCE MCMAHON! AND HE’S NEXT!

======================================================

– VINCE MCMAHON ANNOUNCEMENT SEGMENT –

Vince loves the fans chanting his music. “Roman Sucks” chants right out of the gate. Vince thanks the fans for being passionate. Vince announces that there will be a DRAFT next week.

Vince then wants to address Rollins sending HHH into Stephanie, thus knocking her off the apron through a table. Stephanie is out of action for a while. YES YES YES YES YES YES. Fans Delete McMahon. Vince eggs the fans on. They shit on Stephanie and delete her.

The show must go on, Vince announces the new GM… He’s the latest Hall of Famer..

Teddy Long’s music hits! Teddy thinks it’s him.

Vince gets pissed and cuts his music. He makes Teddy stop dancing. It’s not Teddy damn it! Teddy is sad, his bad. Holla! Long leaves.

Nope.

It’s KURT ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goody, we can finally finish the Angle, Steph, HHH love triangle story.

Vince hands the mic to Kurt and leaves the ring.

Angle says it’s great to be back on Monday Night Raw. Oh it’s true. It’s Damn true.

======================================================

* TO THE NEW DAY PROMO. They want back into the tag team title fold. They issue an open challenge. Challenge accepted by…

– NEW DAY VS. THE REVIVAL –

The Revival answers the challenge. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? Raw has SIX top teams now? Smackdown barely has fucking 2. Fuck that. Revival make their main roster debut, and on the wrong show if you ask me. The guys make their way out and the match is on. Big E and Woods are the legal members of New Day tonight. Satellite head scissors by Woods on Dash. Dawson with a blind tag and a nice old school single-arm DDT. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. It’s all Revival on Woods with crisp tag work. Big E is knocked from the ring. Shatter Machine finisher on Woods ends this in 8 minutes. Never allowed a hot tag. That’s how it’s done!

Winners are Revival

After the match, the Revival attack Kofi Kingston and seemingly “BREAK” Kofi Kingston’s ankle. Good heat to get the Revival going and give them solid guys to work with.

* To the GM Angle with Enzo & Cass. A comedy segment with Enzo and Cass looking for a way to get another title shot. Angle gives them a #1 contender match against Cesaro and Sheamus. They spell Sawft and leave. Angle ponders it and says that’s not how you spell soft. Several great well-timed comedy deliveries in this segment. These comedy segments are going to fucking rule. He’s already destroyed Foley’s time on camera in a throw away comedy segment.

======================================================

– BAYLEY / SASHA BANKS / DANA BROOKE VS. CHARLOTTE / NIA JAX / EMMA –

HOLY SHIT IT’S EMMA! IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING. Fuck me Emma!

It’s 6-woman tag action. They still won’t let Dana show her giant monster boobs so she remains unover. Emma starts with Dana. Emma wants Bayley. I want Emma. Emma gets Bayley. Now if only I get Emma. Emma and Bayley have a fun exchange. Emma begins to dominate and the heels take over as Raw goes to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Heels all over Bayley in their corner. Charlotte knocks Sasha off the apron to prevent a hot tag by Bayley. Hot tag is made on a second try. Banks comes in and takes it to Flair. Double knees in the corner gets 2 for Banks.

Everyone starts to come in. Brooke hits Wasteland on Emma. Jax takes a SHITTY double dropkick bump to the floor. Go away fat flop khunt. Banks escapes Natural Selection and applies the Banks Statement on Charlotte. Flair taps in 10:00.

Winners are Team Bayley

Charlotte is pissed after the match. She shoves Emma, and then Jax. Jax fights back and Emma bails. Nia lays out Charlotte and drops a leg on her. Oh fuck my ass with a spiked dildo, they’re turning this goo fat turn face?

* To the GM Angle with Sami Zayn. Zayn wonders if Angle will send him to Smackdown. Angle doesn’t give him a straight answer but he tells Sami that he has the 3 I’s. Jinder Mahal interrupts, he’s mad about the Battle Royal. They both annoy Kurt until he books them against each other tonight.

======================================================

– BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT –

It’s the NEW Universal Champion and his personal adviser. Heyman tells a bed time story about Lesnar defeating Goldberg. I am not typing this long ass story but I think you can get the gist of how the story begins and ends. Heyman says we won’t be seeing Goldberg anymore. Crowd chants YES. The fans thank Brock.

Lesnar is looking for new challengers. Seth Rollins? The crowd boos. Matt Hardy? Jeff Hardy? Both Hardys? That’s happened already 80 years ago. Instead Heyman changes things to talk about Reigns. Brock and Reigns are the only two men to defeat the Undertaker at Mania. Now they must go at it to determine who the big dog really is.

The crowd chants loudly for Balor instead. Heyman has to ignore them. If Reigns is the big dog, then Lesnar is Animal Cruelty. Lesnar wants to give the crowd something they will never forget. Heyman starts to challenge Reigns for tonight.

BRAUN STROWMAN INTERRUPTS. RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR

Braun wants to finish Reigns so Brock will notice Strowman. Braun tells Brock that Lesnar has his attention. He wants the title too. Stare down. Lesnar drops the title and dares Braun to step over the line. Crowd chanting Braun. But instead of stepping over the line, Braun leaves. Well that’s a great way to get someone over. Crowd chants pussy, which is exactly what that made Braun look like.

* To the Y2J. Chris Jericho who name drops Beach Ball Mania to get on the side of the fans. Cheer him on maaaaan. Jericho looking for revenge in tonight’s main event of Jericho/Rollins vs. Samoa Joe/Owens. The tip of Kevin Owens finger makes the list.

Owens attacks Jericho and beats him down. Samoa Joe joins in. Double beat down. Powerbomb through a table. Now Rollins needs a partner. Gee I wonder who that will be.

======================================================

* To the trainer’s room. Angle informs Seth that Jericho can’t wrestle tonight. The match is still on. Kurt promises to find Rollins a partner.

– ENZO & CASS VS. SHEAMUS & CESARO –

#1 contender match for the umpteenth time. Winners meet the Hardys. Cesaro schools Enzo, then Cass and Sheamus tag in and fight it out. Sheamus with a spin kick into the corner. Shemus botches two moves in a row. Cass throws Enzo onto Cesaro, and then throws Enzo onto Sheamus. Then Cass throws Enzo onto both men with a dive onto the floor. Things are really sloppy. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Enzo in a chinlock, he escapes but Sheamus with a rolling senton, and a double stomp by Cesaro for 2. Sheamus misses a charge and hits the post. Cesaro and Cass go at it on the floor, Sheamus sliding dropkick sends Cass into the barricade. Cesaro tags in, CESARO SWING on Enzo. Sharpshooter applied. BIG CASS BIG BOOT breaks the hold. Big Boot sends Sheamus off the apron. Cass hot tags in with all of his signature stuff on Cesaro. Crowd boos Cass, they’re solidly behind Cesaro & Sheamus.

They set up for the Rocket Launcher but Sheamus with a Brogue Kick on Cass. Enzo jumps into an uppercut from Cesaro and it’s over in 10:00.

Winners are Sheamus & Cesaro

Sloppy at times to the point where the announcers mention it repeatedly, blaming it on the ladder match effects.

* Kurt Angle searches for Rollins a partner. Who on Earth could he possibly find with 20 minutes notice who happens to be in gear and hours worth of make up.

======================================================

– SAMI ZAYN VS. JINDER MAHAL –

These guys get the death spot on the show, right before the main event. Mahal attacks before the match even starts. He jumps Zayn as he tries to enter the ring and goes after him on the floor. Jinder is jacked to the gills so you know Vince is salivating at him. Match starts finally after Jinder beats Zayn down outside. Mahal continues to control. Nice high knee. Mahal runs into an Exploder in the corner. And a Helluva Kick ends this in 2:00.

Winner is Zayn

Mahal dominated, looked good. Zayn hits two moves and wins. They should move Mahal to Smackdown, give him a mid card push and just see what happens. If he makes it great, if not no harm done.

======================================================

– SAMOA JOE & KEVIN OWENS VS. SETH ROLLINS & ??????? –

Owens now wants to be known as the “Face of America”.

Samoa Joe sure made an impact at Mania, didn’t he?

Rollins. Well that’s all I got for Seth.

Who will replace Jericho?

It’s Finn Balor, without the gimmick. He’s rolling in his leather jacket and “Balor Club” logo. Kind of kills it for me but whatever. Match is next after a break.

Raw returns with the match in progress. Rollins has Owens in trouble but Joe tags in and the heels get heat on Seth. Rollins ends up sending KO into the buckle and tag to BALOR!

Finn looking for a little revenge on Owens. KO dodges a coup de grace and rolls outside. Balor follows him out with a shotgun dropkick against the barricade. Rollins tags back in with a fucking bad ass suicide dive on Owens down the aisle. Then Rollins with a somersault plancha to the floor on both Joe and KO.

Seth starts to sell his knee and KO goes after it. DDT gets 2 on Rollins. Joe with the enzuigiri in the corner on Seth gets 2. Extended beat down on Rollins by the heels. Knee buster and senton by Joe. Coquina Clutch, Rollins blocks it and drops Joe.

Hot tag to Balor. KO also tags in. Balor puts out Owens, knocks Joe off the apron. KO takes over for a near fall, but Finn comes right back with the Slingblade.

Balor goes for the shotgun dropkick but Joe catches him in the Coquina Clutch. Rollins dives into Joe to break the hold. Finn back on Owens. Coup de Grace ends this in 15:00.

Winners are Balor & Rollins

THE WWE RAW REPORT

MARCH 27, 2017
WELLS FARGO CENTER – PHILADELPHIA, PA

Ohhhhh baby, it’s the fucking Raw before WrestleMania. All hands are on deck, Brock, Goldberg, Rollins, even Taker is in the building should they decide to use him. Raw has seven matches on the PPV, plus the Battle Royal. As of yet we know nothing for Strowman, nothing for Samoa Joe, nothing for Sami Zayn, are they waiting to bring Balor back post Mania? Could things change tonight? This is it, they need to make every segment count tonight. It’s the hard sell to the “Ultimate Thrill Ride”.

* TO THE TAKER. As the opening WWE logo begins to play, it’s interrupted by an Undertaker graveyard video. Spooky shit right there. I like the change up, it shows they’re trying.

And holy fuck! Raw doesn’t open with a fucking Stephanie McMahon isn’t opening the fucking show. Yet, anyway. Instead we get Raw Women’s Champion BAYLEY.

– BAYLEY /CHARLOTTE / SASHA / NIA SEGMENT –

Bayley is excited for Mania. Usually she has to order it with her friends, but now she’s wrestling on Mania. It’s made known the match at Mania is now Elimination style.

To the Charlotte. Charlotte tries to convince Bayley that Sasha Banks is waiting to stab Bayley in the back. The crowd responds to this with loud CM Punk chants for whatever reason.

To the Sasha Banks. Sasha says her past friendship with Charlotte doesn’t compare to her friendship with Bayley.

To the Nix Jax. Oh my dear God, she’s fatter than ever. I hope this olive loaf khunt is eliminated first so she doesn’t ruin the match.

It breaks down into a 4 woman brawl as Raw goes to commercial.

======================================================

– BAYLEY & SASHA BANKS VS. CHARLOTTE FLAIR & NIA JAX –

Sasha is all over Charlotte as things gets going but pretty soon the sow tags in. Jax no sells a DOUBLE dropkick and beats up the faces. Bayley and Charlotte wind up in, Bayley misses a reverse cross body and Charlotte takes over on her. Bayley hot tags in Sasha and Banks is all over Charlotte once more. Sasha rolls Charlotte up but misses a blind tag to Jax. Nia comes in and hammers Banks before slinging her to the floor. Raw takes a time out.

Raw rolls on. Flair knee drop to Banks gets a 2 count. Jax drops some fucking horrible elbows that clearly aren’t connecting. Sasha escapes a chinlock with a jaw breaker but Jax powers Banks back to the heel corner. Charlotte puts Banks in a suspension backbreaker but Sasha breaks free with a rana, then Banks throws Charlotte into Jax to knock Nia off the apron. Hot tag to Bayley.

Bayley does her thing until she runs into a kneelift from Flair. Charlotte applies the Figure Eight, but Sasha dropkicks to break the hold. Jax gets deposited to the floor, Banks with a cross body out onto her but Jax catches her. Sasha escapes and sends Jax into the ring post. Back in the ring, Bayley to Belly on Charlotte ends it in 13:00.

Winners are Sasha & Bayley

Nia Jax attacks after the match. She drops a leg on Sasha, Samoan Drop on Bayley, and Jax just plows over Charlotte all Vader style with a chest bump. What a lard bucket non-athletic khunt.

======================================================

* WWE Hall of Fame promo is shown. This Friday night! Rock and Roll, baby!

* To the Holy Foley being fired. We go back to last week and see the firing of Mick Foley. Have a nice day.

* Charly Caruso is standing next to the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy. Sami Zayn steps in. Sami talks about Foley being fired, and then announces he’s in the Battle Royal. Zayn is dedicating the Battle Royal to Mick Foley.

To the Bitch Steph. She informs Zayn that he can’t insert himself into the Battle Royal. Sami has to earn his spot in the Battle Royal. Tonight Zayn meets Kevin Owens in a No DQ match, if he wins he’s in the Battle Royal. If he loses, he’s fired. Well, there’s a match we’ve never seen before.

* Neville joins commentary for the Cruiserweight match. Looks like the super Cruiser title match is on the preshow.

– AUSTIN ARIES VS. NOAM DAR –

Dar has the Fox with him. Dar blows a kiss to Fox and eats a dropkick in the face in the corner as soon as the match starts. Noam rolls to the floor completely out of it and Raw goes to commercial after one move.

Raw rolls on with Dar now on the offense. Dar tries a head scissors but gets dropped on his face. Aries lays in his siganture stuff, the downward spiral on the knee, the pendulum elbow, the bottom rope suicide dive. Fox distracts and Dar gets a roll up for a near fall. Aries elbows the living FUCK out of Dar in the face and then the roaring elbow knocks Dar the fucks out. Austin stares a hole into Neville. Aries locks on the Last Chancery submission for the win in 7:30.

Winner is Aries

Aries looks intently at Neville, but Neville is pretty confident himself.

======================================================

* To the Dead Man. Another random Undertaker cemetery video pops up. It seems Taker is digging a grave for Roman Reigns.

– TRIPLE H / SETH ROLLINS CONTRACT SIGNING –

So Trips has this “Hold Harmless” agreement for Rollins to sign if he wants to fight him at Mania. We’re 6 days out and this match hasn’t been made official yet. What this “contract” means is, the WWE nor H is not responsible for what ever happens to Seth at Mania. This match is essentially a “Lights out, Non Sanctioned” match with no rules.

Funny enough, Seth Rollins is out first. He comes out on a crutch.

Trips is our next with the contract. Trips informs Rollins that if he attacks him before WrestleMania that the match is off. H wants to read the contract to Rollins and explain it over before Seth can sign. He makes Seth sit down and listen. And here come the CM Punk chants again as H explains the contract. Seth just wants to sign it and get it going.

Trips keeps dragging it out. It wouldn’t be a Triple H segment if he didn’t. He refers to Rollins as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. He tries to use reverse psychology and tells Rollins that when he signs he will lose money, because he will be injured and go back to shitty indy shows and make nothing for his family. Trips promises Rollins he won’t walk out of Mania if he signs.

Seth learned a lot about himself while he was rehabbing, he liked himself before he met HHH. He didn’t mind wrestling for a hot dog and a handshake on an indy show because he loved this business. But he gave up all that when he aligned with H. Rollins is doing this not for money, or fame, or WrestleMania, but for redemption. He wants redemption. Rollins wants to get back who he was pre-HHH, and he will do that at Mania.

Rollins signs the contract. Triple H then kicks the contract table into Seth’s bad knee. Trips goes after the knee yet again. Trips starts to swing the crutch into Seth, but Rollins hits an enzuigiri!

Rollins sets up for the pedigree but HHH clips his knee. Triple H looks for the Pedigree but he gets backdropped to the floor. Trips tries to attack again but gets whacked with the crutch.

Trips leaves mad, Rollins sells his leg.

* Flashback video clip of Goldberg beating Brock at Survivor Series. They will stand face to face TONIGHT!

======================================================

– OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE: THE BIG SHOW VS. JINDER MAHAL VS. BO DALLAS VS. THE SHINING STARS –

I guess the title explains this. This appears to be “Turmoil” style. As one guy comes out after one is eliminated. Show dumps Mahal in like fucking 10 seconds.

Bo Dallas is next, and there goes Bo Dallas.

It’s Primo AND Epico next, 2 on 1 on the Big Show. And there they go.

Curtis Axel, Goldust, R-Truth, all bombard Show. Everyone eliminated all back in. They all team up to dump Big Show.

Show murders everyone after the match. Goldust and R-Truth run way.

This was 3 minutes with no finish.

Show stands alone until…. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

BRAUN STROWMAN!

Strowman on the stage says he could kick Show’s ass right now, but he will wait until Mania.

I don’t know which guy I feel worse for, Show who gets demoted from the planned Shaq match, or Strowman who goes from main event to Battle Royal spot.

* To the Gallows & Anderson. Enzo & Cass caused them to lose last week and let Cesaro and Sheamus stay in the Triple Threat at Mania. They mock Enzo’s promo. How you doin?

* To the Graveyard. Taker is digging the grave.

======================================================

* To the Reigns. He doesn’t believe in dead men. He’s headed to the ring to tell the fans what he’s going to do to the Undertaker. It might be more suspenseful if somebody hadn’t already leaked a picture of them rehearsing this segment earlier in the day.

* To the New Day. They visit around Philadelphia. They have a Rocky race up the steps. Big E sits back and watches but somehow gets to the top of the stairs first. New Day hosts WrestleMania. My skull hurts.

* To the Cesaro & Sheamus Fella. They start to cut a promo when Gallows and Anderson attack with boards. They use a ladder to drive both men down. What evil fucks.

* Neville in action next.

======================================================

– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION NEVILLE VS. JACK GALLAGHER –

I was really hoping they’d do something with the Cruisers at Mania. A ladder match or turmoil match or some shit. I hope Gallagher at least makes the Battle Royal. This is non-title. Neville with a headlock and Gallagher with a handstand and walks out of it, even Neville laughs. Jack with some nice take overs but Neville hits a nasty snap German suplex and Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Neville lands some swift kicks. Gallagher charges and head butts the living SHIT out of Neville. Neville rolls outside. Gallagher grabs his umbrella, William III. He opens the umbrella and climbs the ropes. Top rope diving crotch attack with the umbrella.

Back inside, things gets serious. Neville lands a superkick and a top rope superplex into the Rings of Saturn for the submission in 7:30.

Winner is Neville

* To the AANN. The Austin Aries News Network interrupts. Aries is backstage to interview the New Day. He asks them who will win the Cruiserweight title match. They obviously select Austin, but only after Aries dances with them. Neville isn’t impressed.

======================================================

* Flashback to Rumble 2017. Lesnar eliminated by Goldberg.

– ROMAN REIGNS / UNDERTAKER SEGMENT –

Roman Reigns to the ring. He soaks in the crowd booing the shit out of him. He talks about headlining Mania twice. He thought those were the biggest moments of his career, but this year really is. He’s going to do what no man has done before him, he’s going to put Taker down. Brock didn’t do that?

Reigns complete heel promo, he says this is his time now, and this arena is his house now. Reigns says this is his yard.

GONG.

To the video screen. Back to the Graveyard with Taker’s voice. The ring is Taker’s yard, the grave being shown is going to be Reigns’ yard. He’s carved out a special corner of hell for Roman, away from all of the other souls. At Mania, the Roman Empire will fall. Bwaha.

The Ultimate Thrill Ride will be Roman’s last ride. A tombstone is shown with Roman’s name and the Mania date on it. At WrestleMania, Roman will……….

The lights go out….

GONG!

TAKERS IN THE RING!

Roman turns around slowly as he knows it.

Taker finishes his line in the ring. At WrestleMania, Roman will REST IN PEACE.

Taker lowers the lights as Raw goes to break.

======================================================

– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. ENZO & CASS –

Enzo and Cass do their routine. Cesaro and Sheamus attack Gallows and Anderson on the way to the ring with a ladder. It turns into a 6-way. They’re all beating the shit out of each other with the ladder. If they don’t change this to a ladder match they should probably not be teasing it so much. Lots of ladder spots going on.

Gallows and Anderson lay everyone out with the ladder in the end.

Match never happens.

* To the Caruso & KO. Charly interviews Owens about Zayn tonight and Jericho on Sunday. Owens says Jericho was never his friend. He calls Jericho fans morons. He’s sorry he wasted his parent’s money on Jericho merchandise when he was younger. KO can’t wait to send Zayn home for good tonight. They have said “Ultimate Thrill Ride” 900 times tonight. Even the fucking Undertaker said it. It’s fucking annoying.

======================================================

* Seth Rollins / Triple H video

* The entire WrestleMania 33 card rundown. All 400 matches. Though I suspect they will add the Usos vs. Alpha. It’s truly a shame they have nothing for guys like Strowman, Samoa Joe, Balor, Luke Harper, Ziggler, even Zayn. They deserve more than a Battle Royal, or no match.

 ======================================================

– NO DQ: KEVIN OWENS VS. SAMI ZAYN –

If Sami loses he’s fired. If Sami wins he gets to be in the Battle Royal. I’m not so sure which is worse. Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me. Love the KO-Mania 2 shirt. Owens attacks Zayn to start, Sami fights back with a stiff clothesline. Out to the floor KO sends Zayn into the barricade. Sami tries a moonsault off the barricade but gets shoved into the crowd. They fight over into the tech area and then to the announcers desk. Zayn somesault plancha off the stage onto KO. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. KO DDT’s Zayn on the steps. And then a jumping senton off the steps onto Sami on the floor. KO gets a near fall. Zayn has an eye swollen shut. KO with the cannon ball in the corner, but Zayn catches him with an Exploder into the corner. KO to the floor, Zayn lands the Tornado DDT through the ropes on the floor.

Owens counters a Helluva Kick with a Superkick for 2. Bullfrog Splash gets another near fall on Zayn. Sami escapes a Pop Up Powerbomb and connects with the Blue Thunder Bomb gets Sami a near fall.

Samoa Joe heads down. Joe starts to interfere when Chris Jericho’s music hits, but Jericho sneaks up from behind. Joe has a chair but Jericho attacks from the back and drops Joe. The distraction gives Zayn time for a roll up. Zayn pins Owens in 11:00.

Winner is Sami Zayn

KO goes after Zayn post match but Jericho attacks Owens with the chair.

Jericho informs Owens that when you betray Chris Jericho. YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Joe and KO slunk off all pissed off and shit.

 ======================================================

– GOLDBERG / BROCK LESNAR & HEYMAN SEGMENT –

It’s Lesnar and Heyman out first. Heyman in Philly gets some ECW chants. Fans chant Goldberg. Fans chant Suplex City. Heyman goes on for several minutes. He compliments Goldberg and refers to him as a real life super hero. He calls Goldberg “the man”. But Brock Lesnar is THE BEAST. Bad things will happen to Berg at Mania. This goes on for like fucking ten minutes. Brock doesn’t fear the spear, and Goldberg can’t survive, the F-5.

To the Goldberg. Here comes the champ to the stage. He says a sentence or two and rushes the ring. Brock meets him on the floor. SPEAR ON THE FLOOR!

Lesnar is down on the floor. Goldberg holds his belt high in the ring. And that’s it peeps.

It’s Mania time.

THE WWE RAW REPORT

MARCH 13, 2017
THE JOE LOUIS ARENA – DETROIT, MI

Start counting it down, T-Minus 3 weeks and counting. Only three Raws left to set up “the Grandest Stage of Them All”. WrestleMania is 20 days away my friends and things should continue to be interesting.

This also marks the final WWE event at the Joe Louis Arena. The Joe will be demolished later this year after completing of the fucking Little Caesars Arena. Ugh. I fucking hate these fucking Arena names that just pimp commercials. I know naming an arena after a shitty pizza place will make me want to buy it more.

* RIP “OUTLAW” RON BASS.  WWE opens the show with a quick tribute to Ron Bass.

– BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT –

We kick things off with the pair heading to the ring. Heyman talks about the damage Brock did to Goldberg last week. We’re shown video as a reminder. It’s been “Spear, Jackhammer, Goldberg” for months, but not last week. The Resurrection of Goldberg ends at WrestleMania. Brock will make the greatest comeback of all time.

Michael Cole plays up how taking an F5 can mess with the psyche of a man.

* To the Holy Foley & Bitch Steph. Backstage, Steph apologizes to Foley about her behavior over the last few weeks. Steph wants to teach Foley if he wants to learn. Foley says he wants to learn. Tonight, Steph tells Foley to find someone on the roster he wants to fire in order to teach him how to do his job properly and elevate the rest of the roster. Foley reluctantly agrees to do it. This would have much more meaning if the wrestlers didn’t have Smackdown as an option rather than just getting “fired”.

======================================================

– SASHA BANKS (w/BAYLEY) VS. DANA BROOKE (w/CHARLOTTE) –

They’re still selling the Mania match as a Triple Threat so maybe fat bags Nia Jax won’t be in the match after all. We can hope. Brooke starts off on offense, but Banks is back quick with the rolling cradle win in under a minute.

Winner is Sasha Banks

After the match, Charlotte calls Dana a disgrace and says she doesn’t deserve to be by her side. She’s getting rid of Brooke. Dana has enough and she attacks Charlotte before she can keep belittling her. Brooke works over Charlotte in the ring and on the floor. Hair pulling ensues. Charlotte finally gets away and the crowd with a loud DANA chant. Wow, that’s a new one.

The match was nothing more than a way to get to the post match angle. Looks like they’re trying to create a new face for when Banks goes heel. Looks like Brooke could also possibly replace Jax in the Mania match? I’m fine with that. Jax obviously has the better character “look” but she’s just awful when the bell sounds.

 * Former Rutgers Football player Eric LeGrand into the WWE Hall of Fame “Warrior Award” Wing. Eric was paralyzed from the neck down during a game, I believe that was 2010.

* Looks like it’s Jericho & Zayn vs. Owens & Samoa Joe for later tonight.

======================================================

– AKIRA TOZAWA & TJ PERKINS VS. THE BRIAN KENDRICK & TONY NESE –

Austin Aires will make his WWE debut tonight, so Byron Saxton remains on commentary. Well that fucking sucks. Some decent cruiser stuff just gets going. Tozawa suicide headbutt dive on Kendrick. Perkins flying rana off the apron onto Nese. Raw to commercial.

Raw rolls on. Tozawa in peril. Kendrick drags TJ off the apron to stop a hot tag by Tozawa. One of these 4 men, or Aries, will go to Mania to wrestle Neville after a Fatal 5 Way tomorrow night on 205 Live. Finally a hot tag to Perkins. Sprinboard cross body on Nese, and the Misterio bulldog for 2. Kendrick distracts and Nese clotheslines TJ’s head off. Nese misses a corner charge, Perkins with a springboard DDT but Kendrick breaks up the cover.

Kendrick interferes again but Tow with an enuigiri sends Kendrick to the floor. Neese dumps Tow to the floor. Perkins is distracted nd Nese rolls him up to get the win in 8:00.

Winners are Nese & Kendrick

* To the Charly tits. Charly Caruso is standing by with WWE Tag Team Champions Gallows & Anderson, wondering if they have a preference for Mania opponents, Enzo & Cass or Cesaro & Sheamus. They have no preference, they should be in the spotlight tonight. They’re going to take their spotlight tonight since nobody is giving it to them.

* To the KO. Owens is on his way out for tag action.

======================================================

– KEVIN OWENS PROMO –

Owens is rocking a fucking WRESTLEMANIA 2 SHIRT, with KO duct taped over the word Wrestle. LMAO. So awesome. Video of the turn on Jericho is played. KO says he turned on Jericho before Jericho could turn on him. Neither of them were really friends, they both wanted the Universal Title. Who needs a friend when you can have a Destroyer. Out comes Samoa Joe for action next.

======================================================

– CHRIS JERICHO & SAMI ZAYN VS. KEVIN OWENS & SAMOA JOE –

I truly hope the story of this next match is KO avoiding Jericho all match. They shouldn’t be touching anymore ’til Mania. Jericho & Joe start, Jericho gets the better and tags in Zayn. Sami headscissors sends fat Joe off to the side. Joe comes back with the pele like kick in the corner. Now KO tags in for the first time to work over Zayn and mocks Jericho from afar. Jericho gets distracted and KO knocks him off the apron. Zayn sends both heels to the floor and lands a somersault dive out to the floor on both KO and Joe.

Zayn starts to favor his right knee after the dive. Back in the ring KO chop blocks Zayn’s knee. Heels begin to double team Zayn. Coquina Clutch on Sami while KO stomps. DQ called in 6:00.

Winners by DQ are Jericho & Zayn

Jericho makes the save on Sami and fights off both heels, but the heels come back with a double team and KO lays Jericho out with a powerbomb. Crowd chanting and expecting Finn Balor but get nothing.

* To the Foley & Steph. Foley has a clipboard with a list of names. He must fire somebody on this clipboard at the end of tonight. Stephanie offers to help him. How much do you want to bet he fires Stephanie, since her name is probably in the header of the paper.

Oh FUUUCK ME. Here’s the fat KHUNT Nia Jax to ruin everything. She wants in the Mania match for the Women’s Title. Steph gives her the chance if she can beat Bayley tonight.

Well, FUCK. Fuck you, you fucking lard ass, no talent, sloppy droopy fat, Chyna sounding, uncoordinated, poor balance, olive loaf for pussy lips having KHUNT.

======================================================

* To the Holy Foley. Jinder Mahal confronts Foley and wants to prove himself tonight to keep his job. He shouldn’t be fired. Jinder gets Roman Reigns tonight. They should have been running these segments all night with guys worrying about their job, but this is just the first time.

* To the New Day. Thank God they only have a backstage segment this week. Their guest this week is Big Show. They announce that Show is in the Andre Battle Royal. So much for Shaq. From a Shaq match to the fucking Battle Royal. All that working out for nothing. I bet Show is PISSED. New Day talk to Show about his new WWE/Jetsons Cartoon movie.

Titus O’Neil interrupts. Titus is upset he’s not in the Jetsons movie. He shoves Big Show and pisses him right off.

======================================================

– ENZO & BIG CASS VS. CESARO & SHEAMUS –

Winners go on to WrestleMania to meet Gallows & Anderson for the titles. Enzo and Cass do their routine before the match. Cesaro is right on Cass, but Cass fights back with a side slam. Gallows & Anderson are watching from the back. Sheamus with a running knee but then runs into a slam from Cass. Cass then slams Enzo on top of Sheamus. All four men are in the ring to argue and Raw heads to  break.

Raw rolls on with Enzo getting his ass beat. The champs are still watching backstage. Enzuigiri on Cesaro and Enzo tags to Cass. Fall Away slam on Cesaro. Stinger Splash. A second fall away slam. A second Stinger Splash. Big BOOT to Cesaro but Sheamus blind tags in. Big Boot sends Sheamus off the apron and Cass flies over with him.

Anderson and Gallows show up at ringside and attack both teams. Double DQ in 8:00.

The Results is a Double DQ 

Gallows & Anderson meticulously take out all four men, one at a time. They got their spotlight. They also got a Triple Threat match at Mania.

======================================================

* To the Foley, Gallows & Anderson. Since there were no winners in the previous match the champs think they don’t have opponents for Mania. Foley explains it’s the opposite. They’re now in a Triple Threat. The never ending card continues to grow.

– ROMAN REIGNS VS. JINDER MAHAL –

Reigns is set to meet Taker at Mania. Jinder is set for the Battle Royal I’d imagine. “Under-taker” chants start immediately. Reigns works Jinder over for a minute when there’s a GONG. Oooh, mind games. The gong distracts Reigns and Mahal takes over with a flying knee. Crowd going nuts for Jinder on near falls. HAH. Everybody hates Reigns. Roman finally retaliates with a Superman Punch. Reigns is so pissed he hits a second one. He pins Mahal without a spear in 2:30.

Winner is Reigns. 

Looks like Roman has something to say. He’s not messing round tonight. He challenges Taker to come out to the ring right now like a man!

Raw goes to an abrupt commercial. Oh shit! The suspense! The drama. It must be Mania season.

======================================================

– ROMAN REIGNS CALLS OUT THE UNDERTAKER, BUT GETS HBK –

Back from the break, Reigns is waiting for Taker, but he gets………. HBK!

Shawn Michaels to the ring. Reigns says he’s happy to see HBK, but he called out Taker. Shawn explains that Roman isn’t focused for Taker at Mania, Taker is in Reigns’ head and Taker will eat him alive. Roman with a very heel like promo. HBK acknowledges that this is Roman’s yard now, but Roman needs to acknowledge that Shawn is Mr. Wrestle-frickin-Mania. Roman needs to listen. Shawn is on Roman’s side.

Reigns appreciates the advice, but Shawn couldn’t bet Taker, Taker retired him. Awwww, snap. And now Reigns will retire Taker. Double snap!

Reigns walks off and leaves Shawn standing in the ring.

Reigns starts to walk up the ramp when Braun Strowman comes BULLDOZING down the ramp and PLOWS Reigns off the ramp and into the barricade. Bad ass,

Crowd chants “Thank You Strowman. HAHA!

Officials checking on Reigns and he sells his arm.

While Roman slowly gets up the fans chant “HBK” and give a shit less about Reigns. MWAHAHAHAHA!

* To Bitch Steph & Foley. Mick wants Steph to reconsider firing someone. He doesn’t want to do it. Steph says if Foley doesn’t fire someone, then she will, and alludes to it being Foley. Foley has one hour to make his decision.

======================================================

– AUSTIN ARIES VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –

Aries playing the default face is interesting. Daivari gets the typical heel offense and a near fall. Daivari starts clawing at the injured eye of Aries. Austin comes back with a nasty chop, the chest breaker, and the spinning elbow drop. Aries suicide dive under the middle rope. Shin breaker into a back suplex but Daivari takes is all fucked up. HOLY SHIT, Daivari takes a stupid bump and looks like he could have separated a shoulder or broke his fucking neck. He’s lucky as fuck. Roaring elbow ends it in 4:00.

Winner is Aries

Neville watches from backstage.

======================================================

* Emma is returning. Still. Corey Graves asks if we’re seriously doing this again. Reminds me of Glacier’s return to WCW. Don’t remember it? You’re better for it.

– THE BIG SHOW VS. TITUS O’NEIL –

Show is still fucking pissed from earlier. But really he’s just pissed Shaq is a fuck nugget. Take that aggression out on the next available black man, I suppose. Show dominates, Titus does drop him with a big boot, but Show comes right back with a Chokeslam. Maker that TWO Chokeslams. Make that THREE chokeslams. Show wins in just over 2:30.

Winner is Show

Show points to the Mania sign and leaves pissed off. Looks legit. I’d be fucking pissed too.

* To the Bayley/Banks. They’re talking about Nia Jax. Bayley is worried, Sasha says Nia is beatable. Banks then continues her heel turn by reminding Bayley about the haters who say she doesn’t deserve the title because of the way she won it.

======================================================

* To the Jericho. Chris is going to get the “Revenge of Jericho” at Mania. Next week on a special edition of the Highlight Reel, Jericho will interview “The Real Kevin Owens”. He calls the new announcer Mike Rome “Tom Phillips” and takes a jab at Phillips recent Twitter fiasco.

– WOMEN’S CHAMPION BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –

Non-title match but I presume a chance to join the WrestleMania match is on the line for olive load khunt here. Jax works over Bayley. Bayley kicks at her head. Jax flips the steel steps over for no apparent reason and Raw takes a commercial.

Raw rolls on. Jax has Bayley in a backbreaker submission after hitting a shitty ass spinebuster when she doesn’t even fall with it. Bayley escapes with a jawbreaker. Jax misses a kick and gets her foot caught in the ropes. Bayley goes after Jax’s leg. Bayley with a Stone Cold Stunner on the middle rope. Jax catches a cross body and tries a Samoan drop that doesn’t work out. Nia hooks a berhug and drives Bayley into the buckles. Corner splash. Jax stomps Bayley down and dismantles her, getting DQ’d after 8:00.

Winner by DQ is Bayley 

Jax ties Bayley in the tree of woe but the referee blocks further damage in the ring. Nia takes Bayley outside and flings her into the barricade before leaving.

Shitty. Get your olive loaf flappy curtain poo nanners off my TV set. Fuck you Nia Jax you better not go to Mania and ruin the match you pile of seeping sopping melty lard.

* Holy Foley is next!

======================================================

* Next week on Raw, it’s Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman.

– WHO WILL MICK FOLEY FIRE??? –

The time has come. Mick must make up his mind. He must fire someone listed on the clipboard or possibly risk being fired himself. Bitch Steph in the ring. Mickles obviously to the ring as well. Mick hobbles out trepidatiously.

Mick thought this was just a test but sees that it is not. Foley finally found a member to fire in the last 10 minutes. He says firing this person will make Raw more enjoyable.

Foley announces that it’s…… STEPHANIE MCMAHON

Wow, did I call that shit 3 hours ago or what?

Steph says that’s not possible. Foley says she’s the only one that deserves to go. Foley treasured their friendship of 18 years but Foley has realized Steph is a really good liar, and a really bad person, and she needs to go. He runs down Steph and Triple H and what they do.

Here comes Triple H. Bitch Steph sneers. Trips tells Foley to talk to his face. Foley says Trips hides in the shadows. Trips has business sense, and he doesn’t want to be sued for ripping Mick’s hip replacement needed legs off. Foley wonders if Trips would do it or send Samoa Joe.

HHH mocks Foley’s cheap pops and makes fun of his hips. Classy. Trips is a creator of new stars because he doesn’t want to look at has beens like Mick anymore. GIGANTIC CM PUNK CHANTS. HHH talks over it. HAHA!

Trips continues to run down Mick, but Foley fires back. Foley doesn’t need this company to survive and he doesn’t have to pretend to like Trips. Triple H threatens to fire Dewey (Foley’s son) who apparently works at WWE HQ. He also threatens never to give Noelle Foley a job. He says Foley is selfish if he doesn’t want to do what’s best for his kids.

Trips sends Foley away and tells him to have an epiphany to return and do his job properly and listen to Stephanie like a MONKEY. Trips demands Foley to leave. Mick teases walking off but PULLS OUT MR. SOCKO!!!!!

SOCKO ON TRIPLE H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOW BLOW BY STEPHANIE

Foley goes down. Trips takes his suit jacket off. HHH comes after Foley when…

Seth Rollins is here

Rollins heads down to ringside on a crutch.

Seth gets to ringside. Rollins DROPS THE CRUTCH!

Seth hits the ring!

They trade shots. Rollins getting the better. Superkick to Trips ribs and flying knee sends HHH to the floor.

Rollins is pretty over here. More over than he’s been in months.

Triple H returns with the crutch. Rollins gets the better of him again momentarily. Triple H cracks Seth in the knee with the crutch. Triple H locks in a reverse Figure Four / Indian death lock type maneuver on Rollins. They act as if he broke Seth’s leg all over again. Well fuck. Is he missing Mania again?

Another crutch shot to the bad knee.

Get a guy over finally. Get some heat for the match finally. And then this shit.

Triple H putting himself over to end Raw.