The WWE Raw Preshow Notes 8/8/16
– It’s Stanford, Lawler, Booker, Lita hosting. Booker is back and the Spinaroonie is retired. We take a look at Orton RKO-ing Brock on Raw. Brock then F5’s Randy on SD. Discussion on their Slam match going back to OVW.
– Foley invited Daniel Bryan to Raw… Three episodes in, Orton’s been on Raw, Lesnar is on SD, now Bryan is on Raw… Booker T & Lita shit on it too. Couldn’t keep the brands split for more than one week.
– Gallows & Anderson pretaped interview. They’re tooo sweet and they broke Big E’s balls. Lawler brings up when Tommy Rich & Austin Idol did it to him. Booker quickly shuts that down. Screw off Booker. Bet that was the first time the name Austin Idol was uttered on WWE TV. Anyway it’s Gallows & Anderson challenging Woods & Kofi for the titles at Slam.
– Backstage interview with Neville. The Dudleys interrupt. They’ve ruled EVERY ERA. Neville mocks their “90’s camo pants”. Bubba challenge Neville to find a partner for tonight. Testify.
– They hype Balor/Rollins for Slam. Most of this show was Slam hype and not much in the way of Raw.
WWE RAW REPORT 8/8/16 from Anaheim, CA
– Raw opens with a recap video of all of last week’s happenings. I had forgotten about the Reigns/Rusev crap. WWE reminds me. Blah.
ENZO AND BIG CASS / CHRIS JERICHO & KEVIN OWENS SEGMENT
Enzo & Cass do an opening spiel. Probably their worst one. They talk a little about last week and Sasha Banks and then talk Jericho. And out comes Jericho who introduces his new buddy Kevin Owens to watch his back. Cass compares the heels to Bert and Ernie in the same bathtub. Gay bashing, yikes. KO & Y2J are on the same team but still play heel towards each other as they aren’t quick to defend the other. Some comedy back and forth with Jericho and the faces. Jericho challenges Enzo to a match. This wasn’t very good at all.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #1: ENZO (w/CASS) VS. CHRIS JERICHO (w/KEVIN OWENS)
Enzo starts out on the offense but it quickly turns to Jericho and Jericho dominates with basic offense for the next 4:00 until break.
Back from break, Enzo make a comeback with a flying DDT off the ropes. A running forearm smash gets a near fall on Y2J. Jericho counters a huracan rana into a Walls of Jericho. Enzo finally gets to the ropes for the break. Amore with a high cross body for another near fall. Jericho powders but Enzo with a plancha over the top out onto Y2J. Back inside, KO distracts Enzo allowing Jericho to hit the Codebreaker… Jericho goes for the cover but Big Cass says F it and hits the ring with a Big Boot on Jericho to cause a DQ. Jericho wins by DQ in 11:10.
After the match, Enzo & Cass challenge KO & Y2J for Summer Slam. The heels are Sawwwft.
– Tonight, Lana & Rusev celebrate their marriage on Raw. Joy
– Mick Foley is backstage on his phone with Stephanie. Apparently she’s not there. Well that’s a plus. Sasha Banks pops in. Sasha Banks wants to wrestle BOTH Dana Brooke and Charlotte in a Handicap match at Summer Slam… WTF? Foley has a better idea. If Sasha can beat Brooke, then Dana is banned at Slam. If Sasha loses tonight, then she will get the handicap match at Slam. Ewww… Either way Sasha wins… I suppose… But a handicap match?? Really? Eww… Is this so Charlotte doesn’t have to job again?
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
Byron Saxton interviews Jorel Nelson. He’s Strowman’s jobber of the week.
MATCH #2: BRAUN STROWMAN VS. JOREL NELSON
Jorel actually gets an entrance as he comes down second. Jorel starts to leave and Strowman plows him off the apron. Back inside a nasty clothesline. Reverse chokeslam ends it in 48 seconds. Shorter than even usual, less moves. Killed the kid. This reminds me of all the other unover monsters they pushed like this, who wind up just jobbing to Cena… errr Roman Reigns now I suppose.
– Backstage, Puff Daddy invites Mick Foley to his upcoming Bad Boy reunion tour. New Days pops in. Even though Big E is MIA and injured, they’re happy. Puff Daddy asks “How’s Big E’s NUTS?”…. Foley informs him you can’t say Nuts on Raw… That may have been a shoot… Everyone sort of paused. lol
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #3: TITUS O’NEIL VS. DARREN YOUNG (w/BOB BACKLUND)
Rematch from last week when Titus went all heel, and Darren went all crazy. Neither gets an entrance, way to keep pushing them WWE. Young slaps Titus, then Young dominates the entire match again. Young with a Roaring Elbow, but Titus catches him in a cross body attempt and tries a snake eyes, but Young slides behind with the roll up and hooks the tights like Titus last week. Young wins in 2:00 exactly.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
SETH ROLLINS PROMO
Starts off as your basic promo. Nothing offensive. Then he points out Finn Balor isn’t even his real name and makes fun of the name and it falls FLAT. Seth picks things back up talking about everything he’s gotten he’s worked for so he wasn’t handed anything at Summer Slam. This went 10 minutes, could have done it in 5. The middle of the promo about Finn’s name was bad, the rest was fine, but nothing special throughout.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #4: CESARO VS. SHEAMUS
Apparently their match last week to determine a challenger wasn’t about who WINS the match but who dominates the match… WTF?????? How the hell is that a thing? Anyway, apparently nobody dominated, so now we have a rematch… WTF, WWE…
Fight starts Cesaro with a nice suicide dive on Sheamus outside. Back inside Sheamus takes over. Cesaro with some uppercuts but Sheamus lands a rolling senton as we go to break.
Back from break, Sheamus with a top rope shoulder block for 2. Crowd is DEAD for Sheamus. I mean DEAD. NO NOISE. Cesaro with several nice counters, slides under a Brogue kick with a nice roll up for 2. Sheamus comes back with the Irish Curse backbreaker for 2. White Noise gets another near fall. Sheamus is frustrated. Cesaro catches him with an uppercut on the top rope. Cesaro with a high dropkick that sends Sheamus off the top rope to the floor. Uppercut train on the floor, and in the ring. Sheamus pulls the referee in the way and the referee does a DROP DOWN… LMAO, awesome… The ref winds up in between Cesar and Sheamus and Sheamus takes a cheap shot over the ref, clocking both Cesaro and the ref. Sheamus with a cheap roll up, but the ref is shaking off the blow. Sheamus questions the ref, and Cesaro rolls him up for the win again… But does it count since there was no “dominance”??? Fun little spot getting the ref involved, you don’t see that much in WWE. Match went about 11:00.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
– A special look at 15 years in the making – Brock vs. Orton. Video of stuff showing their “parallel careers”. Yeah… Right. They started in OVW together, they both came to WWE and won titles… This writes itself. They’re trying to sell this thing like all it’ll take a RKO for Orton to win. Brock shits all over Orton as an opponent. “He’s just another guy”.
– Dudleys match is next, we’ll find out who Neville picked as a partner when we return.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #5: THE DUDLEY BOYZ VS. NEVILLE & SIN CARA
Two hours of waiting for that crap? Are you f’n serious? Sin Cara? The crowd doesn’t even make a peep. What a crap pick for a partner. Cara starts and the crowd is DEAD. Cara may be the worst pick possible, but he’s in all black so maybe he will turn, not that it matters much. Dudleys works over Cara in their corner and knock Neville off the apron.. Cara dives outside onto the Dudleys and then inside with a springboard moonsault for Bubba. D-Von distracts and Bubba sends Cara off the apron to the floor. Dudleys dominate. D-Von misses a charge. Neville finally tags in for the first tag in the match, and it’s a hot tag.
Neville quickly wakes the crowd up with his fast paced offense on D-Von. D-Von accidentally clotheslines Bubba. Neville with a drive out onto Bubba. Cara with an enzuigiri to D-Von, then Neville hits him with a missile dropkick. Red Arrow on D-Von ends this in 5:19.
Cara was worthless in this. Dudleys hold more value than shit like this.
Bubba looks pissed off at D-Von, but the announcers don’t sell it though.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
– Daniel Bryan arrives with a roller suitcase. Apparently he plans to wrestle… That was a joke.
RUSEV & LANA / ROMAN REIGNS SEGMENT
– So Lana & Rusev are going to celebrate their recent wedding in the ring. Lana comes out in a slutty wedding dress. No complaints. There are three cakes in the ring… GOD NO… Where’s Jim Cornette? So Lana is a princess now, which explains the tiaras lately. They get the “WHAT” chants loudly and immediately. We get to relive their wedding day. She kisses Rusev’s bicep. Okay. Lana loses her accent for a bit.
Photos from their wedding are shown. GIGANTIC BORING CHANTS… This crowd don’t want this shit, and neither do I. This shit goes on and on and on. WAY TOO LONG. They’re going to say their wedding “vowels” according to Lana. And here it is, finally…
Roman Reigns interrupts. Crowd boos him too. Not even a boring segment can make the fans pop for Reigns. Sounds like 3 people are chanting Roman, the rest are booing. Reigns challenges for the US Title at Summer Slam. Rusev says No. And remember, there’s cake next to them…
Reigns says a bunch of shit. Rusev attacks . Reigns knocks Rusev into Lana… and Lana goes….. INTO THE CAKE… She’s covered in cake. The crowd enjoys it for about 5 seconds. Lana throws a screaming fit shouting “I Hate you” at Roman over and over. Many people feel your pain lana. Reigns just leaves. Rusev throws cake. A waste of a 15 minute segment…
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
– Backstage, Rusev throws a fit at Mick Foley about Reigns deserving a beat down. Lana is having a fit. Foley makes a title match for Summer Slam. Rusev vs. Reigns… Have a nice day.
MATCH #6: SASHA BANKS VS. DANA BROOKE (w/CHARLOTTE)
If Sasha wins, Brooke is banned at Slam. If Sasha loses, it’s a handicap match at Slam. Brooke controls the match. She misses a charge in the corner and winds up propped across the middle rope. Sasha comes off the top with a double knee and wins in less than 3:00…
Charlotte doesn’t look happy. This was extremely uneventful. It’s like they’re purposely not trying tonight.
– Nia Jax video plays.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
– For some reason, they show 1-2-3 Kid pin Razor Ramon…
– All about Finn Balor… We get a VIDEO of Finn Balor tonight explaining who he is and what he’s done. He literally talks about banshees and monsters and warriors and Balor, the king of the demons. He’s a man but has the power to become a myth and be a demon. We learn that Seth with meet the Demon King at Summer Slam. Finn’s eyes go all goofy and we see a clip of his demon gimmick.
– There’s a f’n COMEDY SKETCH with Gallows & Anderson dressed as doctors talking about RING POST-ITIS mocking Big E. They pull up a jar with two eggs in it. They talk about being “testy” and “nuts”. This is absolutely f’n atrocious… I SERIOUSLY feel like they’re purposely trying to make this show bad. And there is NO DOUBT IN MY MIND this was a Vince McMahon sketch all day long.
And the main segment is Foley and Daniel Bryan talking… Even if there’s some crappy run in crap… It’s still crap. What a waste of a Monday night…
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #7: KOFI KINGSTON (w/WOODS) VS. LUKE GALLOWS (w/KARL ANDERSON)
Gallows starts off in control, Kofi lands a dive to the floor. Anderson distracts and Gallows hits a flapjack and gets the pin in 1:30… No, seriously, that was the entire match. Crowd didn’t make a noise and were surprised by the abrupt finish. Post match the club try and crush Kofi’s balls, but Xavier runs them off with a chair.
– We’re outside and Goldust finds R-Truth and Scooby Doo at the Mystery Machine… Yes, you read that right. R-Truth gets into a fight with Scooby over Goldust. They’re shilling the new WWE/Scooby video. That was… You know what, I don’t even have words at this point. The last 10 things on this show have been absolutely and utterly ridiculous, awful, or just plain garbage… If this is the new Raw, I’m done.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MICK FOLEY / DANIEL BRYAN SEGMENT
They put each other over. Mick Foley wants to apologize for Brock Lesnar sneaking on Smackdown. Bryan apologizes for Orton showing up on Raw… Now Foley gets pissy about Bryan making fun of the name “Universal Title”. Rusev interrupts… WTF… Rusev says Raw doesn’t need a Universal champion. They have a US Champion. Bryan thinks Rusev is sucking up to Foley to get out of the Reigns match at Slam…
Cesaro interrupts… WTF. Cesaro thinks he has earned a title shot. Foley tries to dodge Cesaro’s comments. Bryan thinks Foley is underutilizing Cesaro… Foley caves in and he makes US Champ Rusev vs. Cesaro right now… WTF is this???? We go to break.
Well that lived up to the hype of Daniel Bryan on Raw.
— COMMERCIAL BREAK —
MATCH #8: U.S. CHAMPION RUSEV VS. CESARO
A little back and forth to start leads to Rusev getting control. Rusev works over the shoulder of Cesaro. Slow, plodding offense by Rusev past the 11pm hour. Crowd wants to cheer for Cesaro but Rusev is killing them. Cesaro powers up and lands a dead weight one arm body slam… Double stomp by Cesaro gets 2. Cesaro with a Tornado DDT for 2.
Rusev comes back and knocks the poo out of Cesaro for a near fall. He looks for the Accolade next. Cesaro powers out before it can be locked. Cesaro with the electric chair suplex thingy. Punches are traded. Springboard spinniny uppercut by Cesaro and he’s looking for the Swing…CESARO SWING!!! SHARPSHOOTER!!!
Fucking Sheamus on the apron.. Really???? Cesaro comes over, Rusev lands a sneaky side kick but only gets 2… Cesaro shoves Rusev into Sheamus, but the ref gets bumped… NEUTRALIZER, but the ref is down and slow to count… Rusev kicks out… Cesaro gets knocked onto the bottom rope and Sheamus hits a BROGUE KICK…. Cesaro stands up into a Rusev kick and Rusev wins in 9:36.
This was all to build to a THIRD F’N Cesaro/Sheamus match that NOBODY CARES ABOUT????????????????
Cesaro jobs. Sheamus smiles. Crowd boos. I want to shoot myself.
Rusev celebrates in the aisle but turns into a SPEAR by Roman Reigns to end the show.
THANK GOD THIS IS OVER….
