THE WWE RAW REPORT
MARCH 27, 2017
WELLS FARGO CENTER – PHILADELPHIA, PA
Ohhhhh baby, it’s the fucking Raw before WrestleMania. All hands are on deck, Brock, Goldberg, Rollins, even Taker is in the building should they decide to use him. Raw has seven matches on the PPV, plus the Battle Royal. As of yet we know nothing for Strowman, nothing for Samoa Joe, nothing for Sami Zayn, are they waiting to bring Balor back post Mania? Could things change tonight? This is it, they need to make every segment count tonight. It’s the hard sell to the “Ultimate Thrill Ride”.
* TO THE TAKER. As the opening WWE logo begins to play, it’s interrupted by an Undertaker graveyard video. Spooky shit right there. I like the change up, it shows they’re trying.
And holy fuck! Raw doesn’t open with a fucking Stephanie McMahon isn’t opening the fucking show. Yet, anyway. Instead we get Raw Women’s Champion BAYLEY.
– BAYLEY /CHARLOTTE / SASHA / NIA SEGMENT –
Bayley is excited for Mania. Usually she has to order it with her friends, but now she’s wrestling on Mania. It’s made known the match at Mania is now Elimination style.
To the Charlotte. Charlotte tries to convince Bayley that Sasha Banks is waiting to stab Bayley in the back. The crowd responds to this with loud CM Punk chants for whatever reason.
To the Sasha Banks. Sasha says her past friendship with Charlotte doesn’t compare to her friendship with Bayley.
To the Nix Jax. Oh my dear God, she’s fatter than ever. I hope this olive loaf khunt is eliminated first so she doesn’t ruin the match.
It breaks down into a 4 woman brawl as Raw goes to commercial.
– BAYLEY & SASHA BANKS VS. CHARLOTTE FLAIR & NIA JAX –
Sasha is all over Charlotte as things gets going but pretty soon the sow tags in. Jax no sells a DOUBLE dropkick and beats up the faces. Bayley and Charlotte wind up in, Bayley misses a reverse cross body and Charlotte takes over on her. Bayley hot tags in Sasha and Banks is all over Charlotte once more. Sasha rolls Charlotte up but misses a blind tag to Jax. Nia comes in and hammers Banks before slinging her to the floor. Raw takes a time out.
Raw rolls on. Flair knee drop to Banks gets a 2 count. Jax drops some fucking horrible elbows that clearly aren’t connecting. Sasha escapes a chinlock with a jaw breaker but Jax powers Banks back to the heel corner. Charlotte puts Banks in a suspension backbreaker but Sasha breaks free with a rana, then Banks throws Charlotte into Jax to knock Nia off the apron. Hot tag to Bayley.
Bayley does her thing until she runs into a kneelift from Flair. Charlotte applies the Figure Eight, but Sasha dropkicks to break the hold. Jax gets deposited to the floor, Banks with a cross body out onto her but Jax catches her. Sasha escapes and sends Jax into the ring post. Back in the ring, Bayley to Belly on Charlotte ends it in 13:00.
Winners are Sasha & Bayley
Nia Jax attacks after the match. She drops a leg on Sasha, Samoan Drop on Bayley, and Jax just plows over Charlotte all Vader style with a chest bump. What a lard bucket non-athletic khunt.
* WWE Hall of Fame promo is shown. This Friday night! Rock and Roll, baby!
* To the Holy Foley being fired. We go back to last week and see the firing of Mick Foley. Have a nice day.
* Charly Caruso is standing next to the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy. Sami Zayn steps in. Sami talks about Foley being fired, and then announces he’s in the Battle Royal. Zayn is dedicating the Battle Royal to Mick Foley.
To the Bitch Steph. She informs Zayn that he can’t insert himself into the Battle Royal. Sami has to earn his spot in the Battle Royal. Tonight Zayn meets Kevin Owens in a No DQ match, if he wins he’s in the Battle Royal. If he loses, he’s fired. Well, there’s a match we’ve never seen before.
* Neville joins commentary for the Cruiserweight match. Looks like the super Cruiser title match is on the preshow.
– AUSTIN ARIES VS. NOAM DAR –
Dar has the Fox with him. Dar blows a kiss to Fox and eats a dropkick in the face in the corner as soon as the match starts. Noam rolls to the floor completely out of it and Raw goes to commercial after one move.
Raw rolls on with Dar now on the offense. Dar tries a head scissors but gets dropped on his face. Aries lays in his siganture stuff, the downward spiral on the knee, the pendulum elbow, the bottom rope suicide dive. Fox distracts and Dar gets a roll up for a near fall. Aries elbows the living FUCK out of Dar in the face and then the roaring elbow knocks Dar the fucks out. Austin stares a hole into Neville. Aries locks on the Last Chancery submission for the win in 7:30.
Winner is Aries
Aries looks intently at Neville, but Neville is pretty confident himself.
* To the Dead Man. Another random Undertaker cemetery video pops up. It seems Taker is digging a grave for Roman Reigns.
– TRIPLE H / SETH ROLLINS CONTRACT SIGNING –
So Trips has this “Hold Harmless” agreement for Rollins to sign if he wants to fight him at Mania. We’re 6 days out and this match hasn’t been made official yet. What this “contract” means is, the WWE nor H is not responsible for what ever happens to Seth at Mania. This match is essentially a “Lights out, Non Sanctioned” match with no rules.
Funny enough, Seth Rollins is out first. He comes out on a crutch.
Trips is our next with the contract. Trips informs Rollins that if he attacks him before WrestleMania that the match is off. H wants to read the contract to Rollins and explain it over before Seth can sign. He makes Seth sit down and listen. And here come the CM Punk chants again as H explains the contract. Seth just wants to sign it and get it going.
Trips keeps dragging it out. It wouldn’t be a Triple H segment if he didn’t. He refers to Rollins as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. He tries to use reverse psychology and tells Rollins that when he signs he will lose money, because he will be injured and go back to shitty indy shows and make nothing for his family. Trips promises Rollins he won’t walk out of Mania if he signs.
Seth learned a lot about himself while he was rehabbing, he liked himself before he met HHH. He didn’t mind wrestling for a hot dog and a handshake on an indy show because he loved this business. But he gave up all that when he aligned with H. Rollins is doing this not for money, or fame, or WrestleMania, but for redemption. He wants redemption. Rollins wants to get back who he was pre-HHH, and he will do that at Mania.
Rollins signs the contract. Triple H then kicks the contract table into Seth’s bad knee. Trips goes after the knee yet again. Trips starts to swing the crutch into Seth, but Rollins hits an enzuigiri!
Rollins sets up for the pedigree but HHH clips his knee. Triple H looks for the Pedigree but he gets backdropped to the floor. Trips tries to attack again but gets whacked with the crutch.
Trips leaves mad, Rollins sells his leg.
* Flashback video clip of Goldberg beating Brock at Survivor Series. They will stand face to face TONIGHT!
– OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE: THE BIG SHOW VS. JINDER MAHAL VS. BO DALLAS VS. THE SHINING STARS –
I guess the title explains this. This appears to be “Turmoil” style. As one guy comes out after one is eliminated. Show dumps Mahal in like fucking 10 seconds.
Bo Dallas is next, and there goes Bo Dallas.
It’s Primo AND Epico next, 2 on 1 on the Big Show. And there they go.
Curtis Axel, Goldust, R-Truth, all bombard Show. Everyone eliminated all back in. They all team up to dump Big Show.
Show murders everyone after the match. Goldust and R-Truth run way.
This was 3 minutes with no finish.
Show stands alone until…. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Strowman on the stage says he could kick Show’s ass right now, but he will wait until Mania.
I don’t know which guy I feel worse for, Show who gets demoted from the planned Shaq match, or Strowman who goes from main event to Battle Royal spot.
* To the Gallows & Anderson. Enzo & Cass caused them to lose last week and let Cesaro and Sheamus stay in the Triple Threat at Mania. They mock Enzo’s promo. How you doin?
* To the Graveyard. Taker is digging the grave.
* To the Reigns. He doesn’t believe in dead men. He’s headed to the ring to tell the fans what he’s going to do to the Undertaker. It might be more suspenseful if somebody hadn’t already leaked a picture of them rehearsing this segment earlier in the day.
* To the New Day. They visit around Philadelphia. They have a Rocky race up the steps. Big E sits back and watches but somehow gets to the top of the stairs first. New Day hosts WrestleMania. My skull hurts.
* To the Cesaro & Sheamus Fella. They start to cut a promo when Gallows and Anderson attack with boards. They use a ladder to drive both men down. What evil fucks.
* Neville in action next.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION NEVILLE VS. JACK GALLAGHER –
I was really hoping they’d do something with the Cruisers at Mania. A ladder match or turmoil match or some shit. I hope Gallagher at least makes the Battle Royal. This is non-title. Neville with a headlock and Gallagher with a handstand and walks out of it, even Neville laughs. Jack with some nice take overs but Neville hits a nasty snap German suplex and Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Neville lands some swift kicks. Gallagher charges and head butts the living SHIT out of Neville. Neville rolls outside. Gallagher grabs his umbrella, William III. He opens the umbrella and climbs the ropes. Top rope diving crotch attack with the umbrella.
Back inside, things gets serious. Neville lands a superkick and a top rope superplex into the Rings of Saturn for the submission in 7:30.
Winner is Neville
* To the AANN. The Austin Aries News Network interrupts. Aries is backstage to interview the New Day. He asks them who will win the Cruiserweight title match. They obviously select Austin, but only after Aries dances with them. Neville isn’t impressed.
* Flashback to Rumble 2017. Lesnar eliminated by Goldberg.
– ROMAN REIGNS / UNDERTAKER SEGMENT –
Roman Reigns to the ring. He soaks in the crowd booing the shit out of him. He talks about headlining Mania twice. He thought those were the biggest moments of his career, but this year really is. He’s going to do what no man has done before him, he’s going to put Taker down. Brock didn’t do that?
Reigns complete heel promo, he says this is his time now, and this arena is his house now. Reigns says this is his yard.
To the video screen. Back to the Graveyard with Taker’s voice. The ring is Taker’s yard, the grave being shown is going to be Reigns’ yard. He’s carved out a special corner of hell for Roman, away from all of the other souls. At Mania, the Roman Empire will fall. Bwaha.
The Ultimate Thrill Ride will be Roman’s last ride. A tombstone is shown with Roman’s name and the Mania date on it. At WrestleMania, Roman will……….
The lights go out….
TAKERS IN THE RING!
Roman turns around slowly as he knows it.
Taker finishes his line in the ring. At WrestleMania, Roman will REST IN PEACE.
Taker lowers the lights as Raw goes to break.
– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. ENZO & CASS –
Enzo and Cass do their routine. Cesaro and Sheamus attack Gallows and Anderson on the way to the ring with a ladder. It turns into a 6-way. They’re all beating the shit out of each other with the ladder. If they don’t change this to a ladder match they should probably not be teasing it so much. Lots of ladder spots going on.
Gallows and Anderson lay everyone out with the ladder in the end.
Match never happens.
* To the Caruso & KO. Charly interviews Owens about Zayn tonight and Jericho on Sunday. Owens says Jericho was never his friend. He calls Jericho fans morons. He’s sorry he wasted his parent’s money on Jericho merchandise when he was younger. KO can’t wait to send Zayn home for good tonight. They have said “Ultimate Thrill Ride” 900 times tonight. Even the fucking Undertaker said it. It’s fucking annoying.
* Seth Rollins / Triple H video
* The entire WrestleMania 33 card rundown. All 400 matches. Though I suspect they will add the Usos vs. Alpha. It’s truly a shame they have nothing for guys like Strowman, Samoa Joe, Balor, Luke Harper, Ziggler, even Zayn. They deserve more than a Battle Royal, or no match.
– NO DQ: KEVIN OWENS VS. SAMI ZAYN –
If Sami loses he’s fired. If Sami wins he gets to be in the Battle Royal. I’m not so sure which is worse. Sounds like a lose-lose situation to me. Love the KO-Mania 2 shirt. Owens attacks Zayn to start, Sami fights back with a stiff clothesline. Out to the floor KO sends Zayn into the barricade. Sami tries a moonsault off the barricade but gets shoved into the crowd. They fight over into the tech area and then to the announcers desk. Zayn somesault plancha off the stage onto KO. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. KO DDT’s Zayn on the steps. And then a jumping senton off the steps onto Sami on the floor. KO gets a near fall. Zayn has an eye swollen shut. KO with the cannon ball in the corner, but Zayn catches him with an Exploder into the corner. KO to the floor, Zayn lands the Tornado DDT through the ropes on the floor.
Owens counters a Helluva Kick with a Superkick for 2. Bullfrog Splash gets another near fall on Zayn. Sami escapes a Pop Up Powerbomb and connects with the Blue Thunder Bomb gets Sami a near fall.
Samoa Joe heads down. Joe starts to interfere when Chris Jericho’s music hits, but Jericho sneaks up from behind. Joe has a chair but Jericho attacks from the back and drops Joe. The distraction gives Zayn time for a roll up. Zayn pins Owens in 11:00.
Winner is Sami Zayn
KO goes after Zayn post match but Jericho attacks Owens with the chair.
Jericho informs Owens that when you betray Chris Jericho. YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!
Joe and KO slunk off all pissed off and shit.
– GOLDBERG / BROCK LESNAR & HEYMAN SEGMENT –
It’s Lesnar and Heyman out first. Heyman in Philly gets some ECW chants. Fans chant Goldberg. Fans chant Suplex City. Heyman goes on for several minutes. He compliments Goldberg and refers to him as a real life super hero. He calls Goldberg “the man”. But Brock Lesnar is THE BEAST. Bad things will happen to Berg at Mania. This goes on for like fucking ten minutes. Brock doesn’t fear the spear, and Goldberg can’t survive, the F-5.
To the Goldberg. Here comes the champ to the stage. He says a sentence or two and rushes the ring. Brock meets him on the floor. SPEAR ON THE FLOOR!
Lesnar is down on the floor. Goldberg holds his belt high in the ring. And that’s it peeps.
It’s Mania time.