Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back yet again with another Smackdown Live report. Two weeks til Backlash and the card is starting to shape up. The Headbangers on the show tonight, and all the regulars are slated to appear.
For those who aren’t familiar with my writing, I’m not what you’d call a politically correct kind of guy. I made it clear when I started writing that I basically say what’s on my mind and don’t really have a filter on my brain when typing. So anyone who gets butt hurt over naughty words or strange thoughts you can close this page now.
For those who enjoy free thinking and freedom of speech, stick around and see if you find some of my views entertaining.
WWE SMACKDOWN PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- Looks like more shit happened on Talking Smack last week than on the actual Smackdown last week. The Miz/Daniel Bryan situation from last week has been all the rave.
- Also it appears Carmella beat up Nikki Bella on the post game talk show. Nikki Bella joins the pre-show on Skype. I’m really not listening to what she’s saying but I’m sure it’s bout Carmella who did a random heel turn last week. Nikki’s boobs are hanging out though. This Skype chat goes on entirely too long.
- The Smackdown Tag Title Tournament continues and the Headbangers are here this week. I’m guessing they’re jobbing to Rhyno and Heath Slater. Too bad the Bangers didn’t draw the Ascension, they may have won.
- After murdering Kalisto backstage for weeks Baron Corbin has earned himself a match against Dean Ambrose. Not sure what the logic is here but whatever. The Smackdown roster is so weak it’s fucking ridiculous, obvious, and bullshit.
WWE SMACKDOWN LIVE
August 30, 2016 – DALLAS, TX
AMERICAN AIRLINES CENTER
To the Miz. Last week’s Smack Talk clip of the Miz and Daniel Bryan is shown. This is probably the most relevant promo Miz has ever had. After the video we see Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan watching it. Shane tells Bryan he owes Miz an apology and that from now on Bryan should stay out of the talents way. Bryan agrees then shits on Shane for having beef with Brock Lesnar.
– THE MIZ AND DOLPH ZIGGLER SHOWDOWN –
To the Miz LIVE. He storms to the ring without music. He starts shitting on the fans. Miz isn’t a loser who takes stupid shots and bumps. He’s smart so he avoids those stupid bumps. Miz “shoots” about WWE always calling him to do commercials, red carpets, movies, main eventing WrestleMania one day then dressing up like a chicken. Miz calls the fans cowards.
Dolph Ziggler interrupts the promo. Ziggler informs the Miz that the fans don’t like him because they can see through him. They see Miz doesn’t like wrestling, he just likes being famous. Ziggler tells Miz to prove to everyone that he’s not a coward. Ziggler challenges Miz to a fight. No title match, no referee, just an all out fight. Ziggler tells Miz that this is his chance and calls him out. The Miz throws off his suit coat and teases like he’s going to fight but of course he doesn’t.
Miz walks away with Maryse but Ziggler has more words for him, calling him soft and a coward. Fans chant COWARD. Miz starts back towards the ring but Maryse holds him off.
They need to make up their mind if this guy is a coward heel or an angry mother fucker. Both characters at the same time doesn’t work.
– THE HYPE BROS VS. THE VAUDEVILLAINS –
This is part of the tag team tournament. First round match. The Villains don’t even get their announcement or black and white intro anymore. How fucking lame is that shit. That’s their entire gimmick and they take it away from them. They’re trying to fucking bury them at this point. Ryder takes a neckbreaker on the floor almost right away. T-bone suplex by Gotch. Mojo gets a hot tag 2 minutes into the match. Mojo with the fireman’s flapjack on English. HELLUVA FOREARM from Mojo to Gotch. Super Rough Ryder off the middle rope onto Gotch ends the match in 2 and a half fucking minutes. A fucking squash. What kind of tournament is this shit? Excellent quality of teams is this fuck fest of a tournament.
Winners are Hype Bros
TO THE AJ. It’s Styles walking down the hall in the back and he runs into Apollo Crews. They exchange some words. I’m guessing they’re going to have a match. I forgot Crews was even on Smackdown. Crews is just fucking terrible. No charisma, no acting ability, terrible promo delivery. He just sucks. A shame a guy with that physical athleticism has no other gifts to back it up.
After a commercial break AJ Styles heads to the ring for more promo. Apollo Crews interrupts Styles to inform him that Daniel Bryan has booked them in a match.
– AJ STYLES VS. APOLLO CREWS –
Crews owns AJ to start out. Crews tries to get cute on commentary but his ‘personality’ feels forced and fake. SD goes to commercial and when we return Styles now has the control. Crews starts the comeback. Crowd kinda shits on Crews. AJ is bckdropped to the outside. Crews with a moonsault off the apron. Crews tries a superplex, Styles tries to escape but they both fall and fuck up whatever spot was planned. AJ tries a high cross body but Crews explodes with a fall away slam into a Samoan drop. That gets him a 2 count. AJ snaps Crews neck across the top rope and nails the Phenomenal Forearm and that will end the match in 6 and a half minutes.
Winner is AJ
To the Renee, Heath & Rhyno. Renee Young visits Heath Slater at his mobile home. Rhyno is visiting and Heath introduces his large hillbilly wife, Beulah. She offers them saltines, cheese whiz, and vienna sausages. I keep waiting for Jamie Noble and Nidia to come fucking through the door. His fat wife loves icing. Renee talks about Heath’s issues since the brand split. Beulah burps. Rhyno eats all the saltines and canned cheese. Rhyno never even speaks. Heath says when he wins the tag titles he’s upgrading to a double wide. Renee asks if their kids are in school, but they’re out collecting bottles and cans. His kids steal his card to end the segment. Renee looks uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable. In theory that could have been good, but I thought this segment flopped.
– BRAY WYATT ‘SUMMONS THE SERPENT’ RANDY ORTON –
Bray Wyatt comes to the ring and has a seat in his rocking chair. Bray fears nothing. Bray fears no man. Bray IS fear. Bray says Randy is sick and he likes that about Randy. Bray hopes orton’s voices in his head tell him to run.
To the Orton. Now Randy is out. Brock didn’t damage Randy, Randy has been damaged a long time. Both men are damaged.
Wyatt referenced all of Randy’s scars and how he is a predator, but now Bray is the predator. Orton talks about the demons inside of him and he respects Wyatt has demons too. Orton agrees to wrestle Wyatt at Backlash. Orton says he will kick Bray’s ass right now but as Randy charges the ring the lights go out and we go to a commercial. We never even see the lights come back on. How fucking gay.
– BECKY LYNCH & NAOMI VS. NATALYA & ALEXA BLISS –
SHITTY MATCH ALERT. SHITTY MATCH ALERT. Nikki Bella joins commentary. They plus Total Bellas on E!. Naomi does a rana and they go to commercial 30 fucking seconds into the match. After commercial Becky gets hot tagged in. Bliss is fucking terrible missing spots, delayed responses, almost causes Becky to whiff on a missile dropkick. Carmella attacks Nikki on commentary and leaves her laying. becky is distracted and Bliss rolls her up to pin her in 7 minutes. They showed like 3 minutes of this. Bliss is fucking awful and has no business on the main roster. The term drizzling shits comes to mind.
Winners are Nattie & Bliss
To the Bangers. Head Bangers video plays to remind fans of who they were.
To the Curt Hawkins vignette. More Chuck Norris like fun facts,
– THE HEAD BANGERS VS. RHYNO & HEATH SLATER –
Final first round match in the tournament. The Bangers are back for at least one night. Bangers have new generic music. Boooo. Mosh busts out the springboard over the top to the apron on Slater. Thrasher takes over. Double Flapjack on Slater. Mosh butt bombs Heath in the corner and knocks Rhyno off the apron. Rhyno gets busted open hardway on the eye from the one shot he took lol. Bangers hit their STAGE DIVE Powerbomb – flying legdrop finisher on Slater! Rhyno stops the pin. Rhyno gets tagged in, GORES Thrasher and the match is over in 2 and a half minutes. Make-shift team beats former tag champions in under 3 minutes. For fucks sake.
Winners are Heath & Rhyno
To the MILKMAN. There’s some guy claiming to be Gary ‘The Milkman’ Milliman. He is in dress clothes and a tie. He issues an open challenge to the locker room. WTF is this shit. He pulls down to his tighty whities. WHAT THE FUCK? KANE accepts the challenge. Now the Milkman tries to get his clothes back on. Chokeslam. Kane leaves. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE PURPOSE OF THAT. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT OF THAT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?
THEN KANE BARELY GETS OUT OF THE RING BEFORE THEY CUT TO BARON CORBIN’S ENTRANCE.
KANE AND CORBIN CROSS PATHS.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I GET IT NOW.
Corbin stares Kane down but Kane just keeps walking like he doesn’t give a fuck. Hehe. I love it.
– WWE CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. BARON CORBIN –
Non-title shit. AJ Styles is on commentary and I can already see Corbin getting a win here. The match quickly heads outside. Dean dives onto Corbin. They fight in front of AJ. Corbin takes over with a big clothesline. Corbin controls and throws Dean to the floor. SD goes to commercial. Corbin continues to dominate. He counters a Lunatic Lariat with an STO. Ambrose counters a clothesline into a neckbreaker and takes over. Corbin misses a charge in the corner but comes back and turns Dean for a loop with an explosive clothesline.
Dean comes back with the Lunatic Lariat for a 2 count. Corbin crashes to the floor outside. Ambrose with the suicide dive. Corbin lands Deep Six once they’re back inside but gets only a 2 count. The fight goes back to the floor. AJ Styles gets up from the announcing and starts coaching Corbin. Corbin wants no help from AJ. Corbin and AJ argue, Dean knocks Corbin into Styles. Dean comes off the top with the flying elbow on Baron for a near fall. AJ Styles tries an enzuigiri to Dean but Ambrose ducks and AJ hits Corbin. DQ is called in 12 minutes.
Winner is Corbin by DQ
Ambrose dives outside onto Styles and attacks. Corbin jumps Dean but gets Dirty Deeds. AJ tries a Phenomenal Forearm but gets crotched on the top rope and sells it comedy style for the rest of the show. The crowd laughs as Dean Ambrose hangs out with Styles who is just sitting on the top rope selling his balls.
