Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back again with another Smackdown Live report. This episode marks the final stop before SummerSlam this weekend. Already scheduled tonight is Dolph & Dean on MizTV, plus Cena vs. Del Rio. Oh yeah, and Eva Marie makes her in-ring debut.. or so she says.
WWE SMACKDOWN PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- Wow, I’m pissed. I wrote this two paragraph fucking rant on things and I clicked to save and the computer had a hiccup and now it’s all lost. Fuck sakes. Let me try and praraphrase quickly. The panel is up and running with all 4 talking about Dolph vs. Ambrose at Summerslam. Lita is just absolutely fucking terrible. Just fucking the worst. She says Dolph is getting old and ready to retire and says he will take superkicks and sister Abigails. First, he just tured 36. Second, Dean Ambrose doesn’t do superkicks, Dolph does. Third, Bray Wyatt isn’t in the match. She sounds like a fucking idiot that doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about.
- Becky Lynch skypes in. She’s slightly better than Lita but also trips over all her words. She calls Eva Marie’s injuries as fake as her other body parts.
- Booker T gets real and gets pissy. Claiming the Miz referred to Apollo Crews as Apollo Creed, and Booker was disgusted that someone got his name wrong. No respect.
WWE SMACKDOWN LIVE
August 16, 2016 – AUSTIN, TX
THE FRANK ERWIN CENTER
* For some reason Randy Orton is just now signing his SummerSlam contract to face Brock Lesnar. Sure that’s realistic. Randy is with Bryan and Shane-O-Mac. Heath Slater interrupts the party and brings a fruit basket. He realizes that Shane and Daniel were going to give him a job last week before he left so he wants the job. They tell Heath not right now and they can’t keep giving him chances. Orton says he has an idea, and then we fade into the intro video.
– MIZ-TV WITH DEAN AMBROSE & DOLPH ZIGGLER –
Miz tries to talk but Dean Ambrose cuts him off right away with his intro. Yes Virginia, there is a God! Then Dolph Ziggler cuts off Ambrose right away. They go nose to nose but Miz breaks it up. Now Miz talks. Boooooo. Miz wants to know what Dolph will do if he loses. Dolph isn’t thinking about losing. Dean isn’t buying this new Dolph Ziggler attitude. Miz it told to shut up and he backs away to the corner for the rest of the segment.
Ziggler admits that the WWE has pushed him to the edge with the way he’s been treated. But when he beats Ambrose he will show them, or some shit. Ambrose says Dolph can’t handle pressure and that’s why he always loses. Dean basically calls Dolph a loser with a chip on his shoulder. Dean says Dolph can’t handle pressure and he will be schooled at SummerSlam. Dean says after Dolph loses at SummerSlam he will realize he has never wanted it bad enough, and that he will never get the belt.
Ziggler responds with a whirlwind of comments about Ambrose becoming frustrated when he can’t put Dolph away at the PPV. Dolph Superkicks Ambrose OUTTA NOWHERE. Ziggler informs Dean that he will realize at SummerSlam that Ziggler is that damn good.
There was no point for Miz to even been out here.
– APOLLO CREWS CONFRONTS THE MIZ –
* After a commercial break we return to see video from during the break where Miz remained in the ring and ran down his SummerSlam opponent “Apollo Creed”. This draws Crews out from the back who corrects Miz on his name. Miz continued to call him Creed and ended up taking Crews’ spinning powerbomb.
Isn’t it nice to see so much time being dedicated to the Intercontinental title match? A 30 second segment during a commercial break. Way to get the title back over ya fucks.
12-MAN TAG TEAM ACTION.
– THE USOS, AMERICAN ALPHA, THE HYPE BROS. –
VS.
VAUDEVIILLAINS, ASCENSION, BREEZANGO
This my friends is the Smackdown tag team division. Don’t be shocked if Jimmy Uso even gets used much in this match because last I heard he was nursing some injuries. Not easy to call this thing because there’s a lot of fast tags early and then the Hype Bros look like they’re going for some type of dooms day device when it all breaks down and all 12 guys get in the ring and fight. This takes us to a commercial. After the break is over about 7 wrestlers are laid out on the floor and hot tags are made to English and Jey Uso. Jordan tgas himself in after Jey lays out English. They faces argue. Then everyone starts hitting their finishers and shit on each other. You know the drill. The Hype Bros hit the ROUGEAU FUCKING BOMB! MY NEW FAVORITE TEAM! The guys keep hitting each other with a bunch of shit. Jey Uso hits a dive onto half the match and wipes out most of both teams. Back to the ring American Alpha nail their finisher on Aiden English for the win in 6 minutes.
This was barely anything but a start and a finish. The hot tag happened as soon as they returned from commercials.
Winners are Alpha, Usos, Hype Bros
Want a fun fact about the brand split. Even though things were supposed to be fair, even, whatever you want to call it. Smackdown has garbage for teams and women while Raw has entirely too many good teams being used as jobbers while all the jobber teams are sitting on Smackdown. Another fun fact? Sure! There are 10 matches currently booked for SummerSlam. 6 of them are from Raw, only 3 from Smackdown, and then the interpromotional match. Raw outnumbers Smackdown matches by double the bouts. Why? Because they refuse to give up on Sheamus because he’s ‘big’. So while Bray Wyatt isn’t doing shit, Sheamus gets a pay day fella.
– EVA MARIE VS. NAOMI –
So Naomi comes to ringside glowing in the dark from head to toe. She throws glow sticks or some shit to the fans. The announcer introduces Evan Marie and finishes it by saying that she’s been delayed due to traffic and apologizes. THIS SHIT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS. This announcer is fucking hilarious.
And then this segment just ends. That fast. It’s just over.
* TO THE DEL RIO. AJ Styles stops by ADR getting ready for Cena. AJ gives props to Del Rio for taking Cena out for 9 months. Del Rio shits on AJ. AJ shits on Del Rio and mocks him for not having a match at SummerSlam. The announcers claim AJ is trying to rile Del Rio up for his match with Cena tonight.
* TO THE CURT HAWKINS. Well more like a Curt Hawkins vignette which features Curt Facts. Which is basically a more absurd version of the old Matt Hardy ‘Matt Facts’. Ryder and Hawkins back on Smackdown. It truly is a brand split.
– RANDY ORTON VS. HEATH SLATER –
How’s this for continuity. The first time this has been addressed since the opening video was right now when Orton’s music played. Orton pounds on Heath in the corner for a solid minute and gets disqualified. That’s the entire match.
Winner by DQ is Heathie Baby
After the match Orton beats the shit out of Slater on the floor and hits a draping DDT outside. Heath is thrown back inside to takes a German suplex from Randy who bounces around and mocks Brock Lesnar. A second German follows. Then an RKO ends it.
But Heath won, right? Does this mean he gets a job?
* TO THE DOCTORS. The trainer is with an injured Heath Slater. Bryan & Shane applaud his efforts. Heath thinks Bryan is Foley. They hand him a contract. He thinks Shane is Stephanie, so Shane takes the contract back. Poor Heath.
* TO THE ORTON/WYATT – We learn that Orton and Wyatt crossed paths during the break. It appears Wyatt had some words for Orton as they were making their way to ringside. Foreshadowing?
– DEAN AMBROSE VS. ERICK ROWAN –
Bray Wyatt is with Rown. We’re mere seconds into the match before Dean sends Rowan outside and lands a suicide dive. Rowan turns things around with a spinning powerslam and then takes him outside and works him over. Rowan works the back of Den but misses a boot in the corner. Dean starts hitting his go-to moves. Top rope elbow dive gets 2 for Dean.
Rowan fires back with his one move, the spinning leg kick gets 2. Dean gets out of a powerbomb and hits his clothesline. Dirty Deeds soon after and Dean wins in maybe 6 minutes.
Winner is Dean Ambrose
After the match Bray Wyatt turns his back to Rowan in disgust and throws the sheep mask on the ground. The Wyatts end again?????????? Didn’t they learn the first time?
– BECKY LYNCH & CARMELLA VS. NATALYA & ALEXA BLISS –
The rookies get a little bit of time but not much, thank God. Nattie and Becky get hot tags. Becky with the Exploder. The girls collide. EVA MARIE. EVA MARIE. EVA MARIE. She’s making her debut in the middle of this match. I love this shit. hehe. Eva gets half way down when Naomi’s music hits and she chases Eva around ringside. All this shit distracts the girls in the match but Becky manages to lock in the Dis-arm-her for the tap out win after a couple of minutes of wrestling.
Winners are Becky & Carmella
Naomi celebrates with the winners. Eva looks confused. I’m betting she wasn’t acting. No surprise this gets added to SummerSlam, as a preshow match I’d assume.
* TO THE CORBIN. Baron Corbin is seen beating up on Kalisto again in the back. Kalisto is being made to look like a bitch.
* They air the same Brock/Orton video from last week.
* AJ Styles joins the commentary team for the main event.
– JOHN CENA VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO –
This match isn’t a minute old before Del Rio takes a bump and rolls to the floor and they go to a break. When they come back Del Rio has the advantage with that devastating top rope punch. A video shows Rio got the advantage when AJ distracted Cena. ADR with a German suplex and a bridge gets him a 2 count. Del Rio continues to control, a DDT gets him 2. We go to commercial again.
This time when we come back Cena catches ADR with a dropkick as he’s coming off the top rope. Cena starts hitting his go-to offense. Hits the shuffle. ADR counters the AA into a Back Stabber for 2. Cena tries an STF but Rio responds with a spinning backbreaker. Cena clotheslines Rio right in the fucking face. YOWCH. Cena goes to the top but takes an enzuigiri and Rio gets another near fall.
Cena finally gets the STF on Rio but it doesn’t last. Rio with the Superkick to the face of a kneeling Cena, the same move he beat Cena with last year. Cena kicks out at the last second. Rio blocks another AA into the cross arm breaker. Cena picks him up in the hold and drives ADR into the mat. AA follows. Really shit finish. Cena wins in 17 minutes.
Winner is Cena
John starts to play to the crowd but walks right into a PHENOMENAL FOREARM! Boom. Cena goes out like a light. AJ takes the stick. He’s sick of the future going through John Cena. After Sunday Styles will be the face that runs the place. Cena’s time is up. AJ’s time is now.
AJ starts to leave but decides he wants more. Style goes for the Styles Clash but Cena turns it into the AA. Superman Cena lives.
Cena isn’t done either. He goes to the announce table. AA OFF THE STEEL STEPS THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Now AJ HAS to win at SummerSlam. I think Cena actually lost a lot of the fans cheers when he did that.
That’s all from Smackdown Live. There’s NXT and SummerSlam this weekend. Enjoy my friends.
