Bobby “The Brain” Mayo has arrived on Monday nights! Curator Jack has kindly turned this review over to me after a near three year run of his own. I wish you well in your future endeavors Jack, which I assume includes not having to sit through 3.25 hours or WWE Raw every week. Maybe I shouldn’t be thanking you? Damn you Jack, you tricked me! Now I have to sit through three hours of shit? Nooooooooooooo.
For those who aren’t familiar with my writing, I’m not what you’d call a politically correct kind of guy. I don’t really have a filter on my brain when typing, so if you’re oversensitive to certain words or thoughts, this is not for you. Anyone who gets butt hurt over naughty and offensive words or ‘outside the box’ thinking you can close this page now. These are MY opinions that Crazy Max has given me a platform to share my thoughts on. You are welcome to share yours by replying to my review. I dare you!
For those who enjoy free thinking and freedom of speech, stick around and enjoy.
WWE RAW PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- First things first, No fucking Lita on the preshow so I’m already in a better mood. It’s just the King, Booker and Scotty The Body Stanford.
- They push the Sasha and Charlotte feud, they talk No Mercy for some reason, the Owens and Rollins feud, how Jericho factors into that.
- Lita is at Raw. She interviews Bayley. I like Bayley in the ring. Bayley interviews….. not so much.
- Interview with Sin Cara. Apparently he can’t cut it in WWE so he’s moved into the Cruiser division. Wait a second here. Hold the fucking phone. They’re going to start throwing shit like this in with the Cruiser division? That didn’t take long for Vince to kill that. There’s a Cruiser tag match tonight. Cara is in it. Get fucking lost. Go to NXT. Better yet, go away. You suck shit and have two moves.
- Curtis Axel confronts Bo Dallas about what he’s become. Where the fuck did Bo go after that ‘push’ a few weeks back? Bo is evil now. Axel is all about the Outcasts still. They will team tonight. I don’t know what this was about but I’m a little intrigued.
- We jump around. Khyrie Irvin of the Cavs is now called the “AnkleTaker” for breaking ankles. Gronk wants to come to WWE some day. They show some Gronk promo with him dressed like the Warrior. Goldberg clips from ESPN. He might return.
- Lita says Paul Heyman is at Raw, but nobody knows why.
WWE RAW REPORT
October 10, 2016 – OAKLAND, CA
ORACLE ARENA
– SASHA BANKS / CHARLOTTE INTERVIEW –
To the Banks. Fuck me mommy! Banks is champ again. She did it again on Raw last week. The fans tell her she deserves it. She remembers being a little Boss with big dreams. She name drops Eddie Guerrero as her childhood hero. Fuck I feel old. Sasha gives props to the Women’s Revolution. Banks challenges Charlotte INSIDE Hell In A Cell.
To the Charlotte. Charlotte begins to make her way down to respond when she is interrupted halfway down by fucking Rusev.
RUSEV? RUSEV? WHAT THE FUCK?
To the Rusev and hooker Lana. So they come in between Sasha and Charlotte and interrupt. Rusev’s new beard is gay. Rusev talks shit when Charlotte takes the microphone from him and talks down to Rusev for disrespecting the queen. Charlotte accepts Sasha’s challenge. The match is on. Crowd chants YES.
Rusev blows off Charlotte and shits on the ladies some more. Now Sasha takes the microphone and throws it on the mat. FUCK YOU RUSEV. He’s owned by two bitches. Lana says the ladies need to learn their place. Lana says the Cell is made ofr real men like WHOA——– Sasha and Charlotte shove down Lana. DOUBLE FUCKING DROPKICK FROM SASHA AND CHARLOTTE SENDS RUSEV TO THE FLOOR! BWAHAHAHAHAHA
TO THE SHITTY REIGNS. Here comes this guy. Roman Reigns owns Rusev every week. Now chicks are owning Rusev. And now Rusev backs away when Roman Reigns hits the ring. What a shit-tacular bad ass heel. Rusev leaves.
* We learn that Paul Heyman is here to address Goldberg’s comments from ESPN. Aww shit!
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New Day Rocks….. their way to the ring. Promo time. Cherap pops by Woods as he puts over every single major sports player in the area, and Full House. New Day likes Cesaro. They hate Sheamus.
– CESARO VS. KOFI KINGSTON –
New Day accompany Kofi. Sheamus surprisingly shows up to side with Cesaro. Sheamus decides not to watch the match and plays around on Facebook. So what’s the fucking point of coming out there? Cesaro and Kofi feel each other out and have a stand off. That takes Raw to a commercial break. Back from the break Cesaro dominates with elbows andc uppercuts. Kofi is supposed to do a springboard but he fucking trips and falls. LMAO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Outside the ring Sheamus hits Woods. Big E hits Sheamus. Cesaro becomes distracted and Kofi cradles him for the win.
Winner is Kofi in 6:00
Cesaro isn’t happy. Sheamus thinks it’s funny. This shit sucks.
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– To the Coach and Goldberg. Replay from ESPN, Goldberg says he would give Brock Lesnar a rematch.
– BAYLEY VS. CAMMIE FIELDS –
Hometown Bayley gets a huge pop. Squash time for the Bayley. Might be the first time in forever a hometown hero gets a win. Vince likes jobbing people out and humiliating them in their hometowns. I don’t know if they’re saying Tammy or Cammie. Not that it fucking matters. Fields with some token jobber offense. Bayley blows a sunset flip spot. Bayley to Belly ends this slop fest.
Winner is Bayley in 2:00.
Bayley goes up the ramp to celebrate with her inflatable tube men. There’s a joke there somewhere. Dana Brooke attacks her for last week. Becky is left laying. And the curse of Vince hating hometown heroes continues. Fuck you, fans!
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Guys, I know this is my first Raw review. I’m used to reviewing the faster paced Smackdown show but I do watch Raw on DVR. This has been so far the shittiest Raw in a while. Let that marinate for a minute.
* Comedy segment with Chris Jericho and R-Truth involving a Payday bar. Stupid Idiots.
– TONY NESE & DREW GULAK VS. LINCE DORADO & SIN CARA –
Sin Cara looks out of the weight class. He’s definitely out of his class in general. Cara instantly becomes the shittiest of the Cruiser weights. Good shit here. Gulak with a nice Gory Special on Dorado. They don’t work this match like a Cruiser Classic at all. It’s typical WWE tag format. Cara hot tag. Does all his usual WWE shit. Cara suicide dive to Nese outside, too bad he didn;t commit suicide. inside Dorade with a shooting star press on Gulak for the pin.
Winners are Cara and Dorado. This match got a whole 3:00.
So confused here. Is Dorado the new fucking Kalisto? Did’t Nese just job to Perkins, only to go over on Swann, only to lose here this week? This shit makes my brain hurt and you can’t have momentum without continuity. Fuck you Vince, killing another good idea.
To the Foley and Steph. Foley sporting a custom flannel suit.
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– FOLEY & STEPHANIE, OWENS & JERICHO SEGMENT –
Foley confirms Sasha vs. Charlotte in the Cell.
Owens vs. Rollins is also inside the Cell.
To the Owens and Jericho. the best friends come out. Owens doesn’t want the Cell match, he doesn’t want to end up like Foley. Jericho shits on Foley and Mick makes ‘the list’.
Stephanie decides to add a stip for the Jericho vs. Rollins match tonight, if Jericho wins he gets a spot in the Universal Title match at Hell In A Cell.
– Charly Caruso interviews Seth Rollins. Seth isn’t worried about Jericho, he will beat him tonight. Then Seth plays up the dissension between Jericho and Owens should Jericho be involved in the title match.
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– BO DALLAS AND CURTIS AXEL VS. ENZO AND BIG CASS –
Well so much for the Dallas push. And whatever happened to the fucking Shining Stars feud? Vince needs to retire his mind is all over the fucking place.
GALLOWS AND ANDERSON ATTACK ENZO AND CASS DURING THEIR PRE-MATCH PROMO. Enzo gets laid out with the Boot of Doom. Magic Killer floor Big Cass.
NO MATCH.
Does this means Dallas and Axel win by forfeit?
Vince just shitting for the last two months on Enzo and Cass hard.
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Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel still in the ring. They’re pissed. They want a match. NOW!
– BO DALLAS AND CURTIS AXEL VS. SAMI ZAYN & NEVILLE –
Raw drafts 80 teams but continues to use random pairings. Not much more than a squash. Red Arrow beats Axel.
Winners are Zayn and Neville in 2:00.
Bo walks off and leaves his jobber buddy in the ring. Quality wrestling all night long tonight. The only match that went over 3:00 was 6:00, and that still only showed 3:00 because of a commercial. This has been the biggest world of shit show.
* To the hookers. Charlotte has to team with Rusev tonight to face Sasha and Roman. Lana confronts Charlotte and tells her to stay out of Rusev’s way in the match. Is Dana Brooke just magically not with Charlotte anymore? Nothing makes sense.
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– R-TRUTH VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
Goldust is with Troof. Titus isn’t happy about his ‘brand’. Troof tells Titus to suck his cock. Titus boots Troof in the Toofs. 2 count. Backbreakers on Troof. Goldust stomps the steps for support. Titus gets distracted. Troof rolls up for the win.
Winner is Troof in 2:30.
This was more NOTHING I’d demand a fucking refund if I were there.
* To the Perkins and Kendrick. TJ Perkins wants to talk about their history and playing N64. LOL. Perkins wants Kendrick to be the guy he used to be. He wants him to be THE Brian Kendrick. They go to shake hands. Kendrick tries a sucker punch. Perkins knocks Brian on his ass instead. Kendrick just lays their shaking like a crazy person. I don’t know what the fuck that was.
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– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. STEVEN & CLAY SPLASH –
The Splash Brothers. How clever. A white guy with a red afro and a black guy with blond dreadlocks. Murder everywhere. Strowman with a DOUBLE DROPKICK, one for each guy. Murder. Reverse chokeslam. More murder. Death.
Winner is Strowman maybe 1:00.
Strowman takes the microphone from Byron Saxton. He warned Foley. One more warning to Foley, he wants competition or what happens will be on Foley’s hands.
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There’s a fucking Royal Rumble ‘By the Numbers’ Video. Is this fucking October or January??? All of this to announce the 2017 Rumble will be returning to the AlamoDome.
The next match is sponsored by Payday candy bar. ‘Expose yourself to payday’. What the fuck kind of slogan is that?
– ROMAN REIGNS AND SASHA BANKS VS. RUSEV AND CHARLOTTE –
Rusev and Charlotte take turns tagging themselves in before the match can start. The guys finally start. Rusev in control first, then Reigns gets his turn. Charlotte grabs Reigns ankle so Banks knocks Charlotte on her ass outside. Reigns sends Rusev outside. Commercial time with the heels on the floor.
We’re 7 minutes in when we return and this is now officially the longest match of the night. Rusev with a dropkick gets a 2 count. Girls are finally hot tagged in. Sasha double knees drop for 2. Double knees in corner for 2. Banks Statement. Rusev tries to save, but Reigns with a SPEAR. Charlotte taps AGAIN. Rusev looks like a shmuck AGAIN.
Winners are Reigns and Banks in 10:00
* To the Jeri-KO. Tom Phillips is with Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. Owens says no matter what he will walk out of the Cell the champ, even if Jericho is involved in the match. Jericho backs him. Poor Tom makes the list.
* To the Paulrus. Heyman’s face is so fat it doesn’t even look human anymore. He’s walking and shit.
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– PAUL HEYMAN ADDRESSES GOLDBERG –
Heyman airs a video of WWE 2k17, it features Lesnar vs. Goldberg. Heyman then announces that Brock Lesnar issues an open challenge to Goldberg. Fans chant Goldberg. Heyman says Golberg can live in a video game or he can get killed by Lesnar in real life. In Suplex City, he’s not Goldberg, he’s just NEXT!
Will Goldberg accept?
* To the EMMALINA. Emma is having a makeover. I’m not sure how she looks any different than she did before. She will premiere soon.
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– CRUISER WEIGHT CHAMPION TJ PERKINS VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
THE Brian Kendrick has joined commentary for this match. Daivari gets a quick promo, but he cuts it in Arabic. Daivari gets in some good offense but this match is a backdrop for Kendrick to explain his feud with Perkins on commentary. The crowd is dead. This shit resembles nothing close to the Cruiserweight Classic. Another WWE style match. Daivari sits down on a flying sunset flip and almost gets 3. Rolling elbow and Superkick combo and Daivari gets another close fall. Daivari misses a big splash off the top and Perkins takes advantage with the wrecking ball dropkick and the knee bar finishes it.
Winner is TJ Perkins in 5:30
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To THE TWITTER-BERG. GOLDBERG IS COMING TO RAW NEXT WEEK TO RESPOND TO LESNAR’S CHALLENGE!
– SETH ROLLINS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
The story here is, if Jericho wins, he’s in the Hell in a Cell title match with Rollins and Owens. These guys feel each other out. Good solid stuff from both guys as the match picks up. Rollins takes over until Kevin Owens makes his way out. Distraction allows Jericho to drop Rollins across the top rope in a front suplex. Drink in the Gift Maaaaaaaan as Raw goes to commercial.
Post break, Jericho is till on top working the ribs of Rollins. Not too long after Rollins makes the big come back. Sling Blade gets 2. Seth continues on the war path until he finds himself crotched on the top rope. Jericho tries a top rope superplex but Seth throws him down face first. Seth goes for a high cross body but runs into a dropkick to the ribs from Jericho. Chris gets himself 2. Rollins blocks a Codebreker and hits a superkick for a near fall. Seth with a high knee.
Kevin Owens tries a distraction, Seth boots Owens. The distraction allows Jericho to apply THE WALLS. Seth makes the ropes after some struggles. gets the break. Owens hits Rollins with a cheap shot superkick from the floor. Jericho gets a near fall.
Jericho misses a bump and falls on the floor. Rollins teases a suicide dive on Jericho but dives on Owens instead. Springboard knee from Rollins to Jericho on the way back in. They botched this, dangerous. Rollins lands all on Jericho. Bre Hart was right. lol. Rollins misses a Frog Splash. Lionsault connects. 1-2-SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE! Rollins kicks out before 3.
It’s back and forth. Rollins tries a pedigree. Jericho tries the Walls. Rollins turns it into a creadle. 1-2-3. Rollins gets the win.
Winner is Seth Rollins in 18:00
Owens ambushes Rollins immediately and stomps him down. Owens tries the pop=up powerbomb, Seth sails over top and tries the Pedigree but Jericho attacks Seth. Owens bails. Rollins pedigrees Jericho instead. Owens leaves his friend in the ring. Seth wants him some KO as Raw goes off the air.
