Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back at you with another edition of the WWE Raw Report.
For those who aren’t familiar with me, I’m not what you’d call a politically correct kind of guy. So if you’re oversensitive to certain words or thoughts, this is not for you. Anyone who gets butt hurt over ‘outside the box’ thinking can close this page now. These are MY opinions that Crazy Max has generously given me a platform to share my thoughts on. My opinions do not necessarily reflect the other writers here at Crazy Max. You are welcome to share your thoughts by replying to my review. I dare you!
For those who enjoy free thinking and freedom of speech, stick around and enjoy.
WWE RAW PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- So this Goldberg guy shows up on Raw last week. Who did he ever beat? Smackdown has James Ellsworth, so Fuck You Raw!!!
- The Hell in a Cell PPV is this Sunday. Three Cell matches. We see a video from Holy Foley of Mick crying when he visits the old Cell cage @ WWE Warehouse. They discuss the Women’s match.
- Lawler uses the Owens/Jericho love-hate relationship as a reason to put over Cleveland. He references Lebron James and Kevin Love, Wild Thing Vaughn and Jake Taylor from Major League, and then says the Indians will win the World Series this month. Booker thinks the King is delusional.
- There’s a Triple Threat tonight between Seth Rollins, Kevin owens, and Chris Jericho. Will it be a glorified handicap match or will Jericho and Owens split?
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WWE RAW REPORT
October 24, 2016 – MINNEAPOLIS, MN
FROM THE TARGET CENTER
– JERICHO / OWENS / STEPHANIE / ROLLINS SEGMENT –
Jericho kicks things off, even though they were expecting an Enzo vs. Karl Anderson match to start things. Sure they were. Jericho has terrible news. Jericho says the Triple Threat match has been canceled until further notice. SPARKLE CROTCH chants. SOMEBODY HAS STOLEN THE LIST OF JERICHO. YOU BASTARDS!
Jericho won’t wrestle again until he gets his LIST back. Chris won’t leave the ring until his List is returned.
To the OWENS. Kevin Owens is out and Jericho wants to know if he has the List. KO says he doesn’t have it and doesn’t give a shit about the list. Owens bribes Jericho. He promises to help Chris find the list if Jericho helps KO eliminate Seth Rollins tonight. Jericho refuses to wrestle until the LIST is found.
TO THE STEPH TITS. She doesn’t have the list either but she will make sure it is returned tonight. She tells Jericho to focus on the match.
To the Rollins. Is it me or has this guy lost a good portion of his overness since coming back. So Rollins comes out teasing something behind his back. SETH HAS THE LIST! You fucking thief! He reveals that Stephanie is on the list and that she’s a STUPID IDIOT.
Seth then reveals that OWENS IS ON THE LIST. Jericho denies it and says it’s a trick to turn Owens on Jericho. Chris wants his list back. Rollins wants to make alterations to the list. This goes nowhere and unsurprisingly sucks from the moment Seth takes over the promo.
So the match is still off until Rollins returns the list.
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* To the backstage. Stephanie confronts Seth Rollins and she wants the List returned to Jericho. Seth knows Stephanie doesn’t want him as champion which is why this match is booked tonight. Rollins doesn’t have the list anymore, it’s in the locker room.
– ENZO AMORE VS. KARL ANDERSON –
Enzo has Cass, Karl has Gallows. Gallows and Anderson cut off Enzo’s intro promo to get some heel heat. Enzo has the fans act as his microphone. The fans do his entire promo for him. That was actually pretty clever. Bada-boom. How you doin’?
Match starts, Enzo gets jiggy wit it, and we head to the land of commercials. When Raw returns, Anderson boots the shit out of Enzo in the corner RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE. Anderson tries a cheap roll up but Cass distracts and keeps the ref from counting. Anderson goes after Cass but gets caught with a BIG BOOT TO THE FACE! Enzo rolls Karl up. Enzo wins.
Winner is Enzo in 8:30.
These two teams will meet at Hell in a Cell in a battle of two teams that deserve better but Vince doesn’t give a shit about because they’re not called New Day.
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* To the RUSEV. It’s WolverRusev in a black room. He will win the U.S. Title and he will kill Roman in the Cell. What a shitty sell job. Not even blaming Rusev. Just a stupid fucking way to put over the match.
– NEW DAY PROMO –
They talk about Sheamus, or SHAME-US. This shit isn’t funny. Except the part where they say nobody wants to see Sheamus. They get the fans to chant Shame.
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They show a video of Cesaro and Sheamus arguing from earlier today. Cole claims it was from the preshow. I don’t remember seeing that.
– SHEAMUS / CESARO VS. WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS NEW DAY –
This is a non title match only 6 days before the title match. That makes a fuck of alot of sense. This is the best you can come up with WWE? For Fucking fucks sake. Cole is still hard selling that New Day is now 50 days away from beating Demolition’s run. That’ll teach them to sue WWE. Cesaro dominates Kofi. Kofi dominated Sheamus. New Day works on Sheamus. Big E runs over and then tells Sheamus to kiss his ass. Unicorn stampede and Sheamus escapes outside. Raw takes a break.
Raw returns. Kofi getting beat down. Sheamus and Cesaro take turns force tagging themselves in. Big E manages a hot tag but Sheamus counters a splash with a backbreaker. Big E does his own damange and smashes Sheamus with a Uranage for a 2 count. Big E back down and has to tag back to Kofi at exactly the top of the hour when the referee tells them to.
Kofi and Cesaro in. Cesaro gets the better. Kofi coutners the Swing with a cradle for 2. Uppercut Train to Kofi. KOFI WITH AN SOS OUTTA NOWHERE. SOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING CLOSE! Kofi gets 2.99.
Big E back in again, there’s shit going on everywhere. All these fuckers are hitting spots. Big E sends Sheamus outside. Kofi gets launched outside right into a Cesaro Uppercut. FUCKING SICK! Back in the ring Big E takes the Brogue Kick and the champs lose.
Winners are Sheamus and Cesaro in 11:00
This match was better than I thought but still not great. The second half was much better. Hope they turn it up for the PPV.
To the Goldberg Video. He returned last week. He accepts Brock’s challenge. Brock responds tonight.
To the Jericho. He’s tearing the locker room apart when he runs into the Shining Stars selling their resort, Titus Brand, and Jinder Mahal teaching Jericho a breathing technique. Stupid Idiots! Jericho wants the fucking list!
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– ARM WRESTLING: BAYLEY VS. DANA BROOKE –
So bayley thinks this is a normal match but Dana has changed the match to a Arm Wrestling contest. Not sure how she did that but maybe her giant tits had something to do with it. Bayley has Cesaro style spider tape on her right shoulder from last week’s injury. So Bayley wants to use her left arm. Dana declines and they go with the right arms. The crowd groans. Dana kills Bayley with the right arm and wins the arm wrestling match in seconds.
Dana decides she will give Bayley a second chance and go at it left handed. Bayley is about to win when Brooke nails her with a sucker punch. Brooke beats on Bayley but runs into the Bayley to Belly. Dana runs off.
Chants during this match included..
1. WE WANT WRESTLING
2. THIS IS STUPID
3. BORING
To the Jericho. He tells Stephanie that he can’t find the list and he isn’t wrestling. Stephanie tells him he’s wrestling or he’s suspended.
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– CURTIS AXEL PROMO –
Axel is the hometown boy and gets pops for mentioning his grandfather Larry Hennig and father Mr. Perfect. He’s in his hometown. His roots run deep here in Minneapolis. He’s not letting Bo Dallas get the better of him in his hometown. FUCK THAT.
– CURTIS AXEL VS. BO DALLAS –
Axel is now in trunks and gets aggressive with Bo. Axel counters Cross Rhodes with the FUCKING PERFECT PLEX MAN! FUCK YEAH! Dallas escapes at 2 and rolls to the floor. Dallas takes over doing his aggressive stick. Then it’s Curtis with his father’s ROLLING NECK SNAP AND KNEELIFT FOR 2. FUCK YEAH! Axel is working Bo over when Dallas rolls him up with some tights in his hand to get the pin. Gay.
Winner is Bo Dallas in 4:00.
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To the Rich Swann Video. You can’t handle this. Swann faces Kendrick tonight.
To the Jericho. Some guy in a tie saw somebody with the List and tells Jericho where to find them. IT’S FUCKING BRAUN STROWMAN! Big evil Strowman tells Jericho to say PLEASE. Jericho does. Braun doesn’t see Sami Zayn’s name on the list. Jericho says it’s on Page 4. Jericho says Strowman just MADE THE LIST, but only after Braun has walked away.
To the Reigns promo. He’s in the black room. Crowd boos immediately. Sucks shit. This promo is worse than usual. I can’t wait for this world of suck to end. Fuck me.
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– GOLDEN TRUTH VS. THE SHINING STARS –
Mark Henry with with TROOF. Stars have the Titus Brand. Why is this shit still going on. More Vince humor. Goldust works over Epico. Primo with a blind tag and the Stars nail Goldust from behind. The Stars now SHINE. Huge pun intended there. Some good work here from the Colons. Total shame they don’t get a fucking push. Hot tag to TROOF. He does TROOF like things. Titus Brand pulls the rope down and TROOF goes flying to the floor. Mark Henry tosses Titus into the corner and causes Primo to crotch on the top buckle. Goldy & TROOF hit their version of 3D for the win. Goldust picks up Epico and TROOF his his finisher in mid air.
Winners are Golden Troof in 4:00
Stars go from multiple victories over Enzo and Cass, to it being dropped, to jobbing to jobbers. Fucking brilliant.
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– SASHA BANKS AND CHARLOTTE CONTRACT SIGNING –
Mick Foley is overseeing this segment. Charlotte looking BOOBalicious in all black. Sasha looking like a hot piece of pie in all white. Foley talks about everything that comes along with a Cell match and informs them that once they sign the paper they’re in and there’s no turning back.
They’re both ready to sign. Foley is reluctant to give the women the contract. Foley starts trying to talk them out of the match. Or at least he explains to them the hell behind the match. Foley puts over the match like it’s the most fucked up shit on Earth.
Charlotte says that she’s the only reason the title means anything and she will risk it all to win it back. She’s the QUEEN. WOOO
Sasha says there is no Queen, but there IS a BOSS. Mother fucker!
This gets really gay. BORING chants. Sasha is fucking terrible in this promo. Charlotte isn’t much better.
Foley tries to save the segment by putting over the match again. Foley has no hip socket. His spine is fucked up. All because of the Cell. He says that he is their future.
Fans chant FOLEY because he’s the only one in this segment doing anything worth a shit.
Foley talks about his connection with both ladies.
Foley’s best work in fucking forever. Just too bad the girls and especially Sasha sucked in this segment.
The girls sign the contract.
Charlotte: See you this Sunday.
Sasha: See you IN HELL.
They should have just let Foley do the talking. He sold the shit out of the match.
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To the slutty EMMALINA. She’s still coming soon. They must not approve of the Ryder relationship.
– RICH SWANN VS. BRIAN KENDRICK –
TJ Perkins has joined for commentary. Lots of running the ropes. Leads to the somersault frog by Swann and a dropkick for the exclamation point. Fight to the floor. Swann with a springboard Phoenix splash like dive to the outside on Kendrick. Commercials galore.
Raw rolls on. Kendrick has the upper hand but Swann retaliates with a fucking jumping huracan rana off the top rope. Perkins blocks Sliced Bread #2. Swann with a double underhook powerbomb into a jackknife cover gets a near fall. Swann tries a standing moonsault but Kendrick gets the knees up.
Swann dodges a Captain’s Hook but Kendrick hits a boot. Swann tries a victory roll but Kendrick drops him on his face. Kendrick tries the Captain’s hook, Swann slides out and hooks the Oklahoma roll! Three count. Swann wins. Holy shit.
Winner is Swann in 9:00
How that fucking makes any sense is beyond me.
Fun little note. During the match Perkins mentions how his entire wrestling arsenal has changed since joining Raw. He says he had to adapt to survive. Shit couldn’t be more true. Shitty but true.
To the OWENS. He’s going to murder Seth Rollins in the Cell. Nobody will ever want to be in the Cell again.
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– SAMI ZAYN VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
Strowman is upset, Zayn isn’t competition. Strowman keeps going on and Zayn attacks him from behind. ZAYN SLAPS BRAUN! Damn. Zayn has Strowman chanse him around the ring. Zayn dropkicks Strowman off the apron twice. Braun catches a dive and flings Zayn into the barricade.
I don’t think this was a match though I’m not entirely sure why.
Zayn gets back up into the ring and Braun sees it on the Titan tron. Braun stops for a moment but leaves the arena. Zayn put in a really shitty spot. No win here for him.
To the Perkins. TJ is taping up. For what? A match? Brian Kendrick asks Perkins to do the job for him at the PPV so he can feed his family. TJ is young and can win the title again. Kendrick if he loses is done. Kendrick asks TJ to do the job at the PPV. Perkins walks off with his bag. So he tapes up to leave the arena?
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– PAUL HEYMAN AND BRRRROCK LESNAR –
They replay Goldberg’s comments from last week that Brock is NEXT and LAST. Heyman speaks. He says Brock Lesnar gets pissed off at the chants for Goldberg. The crowd doesn’t bite and never chant for Goldberg. Fans chant Suplex City instead, We are in Brock’s hometown after all. Heyman tries his damndest to get a Goldberg chant going. Suplex City chants start up again instead. Very light Goldberg chants are drowned out.Huge GOLDBERG SUCKS chants. Fuck. This didn’t work the way they wanted.
Then they just leave. That was by far the most uneventful Brock Lesnar segment to date.
To the Jericho and KO. Jericho has his list back. Owens wants to make sure they’re on the same page. Jericho questions if their friendship is as important to KO as the Universal title. Dissension, dissension.
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* Goldberg, on Raw, next week.
– SETH ROLLINS VS. KEVIN OWENS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
Jericho and Owens come down together. They talk strategy and Owens sends Jericho in first. Rollins owns Jericho and hits a Blocbuster.. Owens sneaks up from behind and drives Seth into the barricade. Seth returns the favor. Rollins dropkicks KO up against the barricade. Jericho slides out and sends Seth into the face. Rollins comes back and springboards off the barricade onto both of Jeri-KO. Seth throws Jericho into the fans and then goes to the ring to meet KO one on one.
It’s Owens who has control. He misses the corner cannoball. Rollins hits the springboard knee for 2. Owens rolls away from a Pedigree and Jericho returns to the ring. Jericho tries a Lionsault but lands on Seth’s knees. Now team Jeri-KO take over with a double team on Seth. Middle rope senton from Owens on Rollins.
Extended beat down on Rollins. Seth fights back Superkick on Jericho. Suicide dive to Owens. Seth misses a Frog splash on Jericho. Jericho hits the CODEBREAKER but Seth kicks out before the 3. Owens nails the cannonball. Jericho and Owens try a double superplex buth Seth slides out from under them and rolls then both up for the win.
Winner is Seth Rollins in 11:00
That was whatever. Even the crowd was silent for that finish.
Owens and Jericho attack Rollins after the match. They send Seth into the steps and try to leave. Rollins runs up the ramp and jumps Owens. KO tries to escape and Rollins runs and attacks KO again.
I have no idea where Jericho disappeared to. Owens sends Seth into the post and brings back the POWERBOMB ON THE APRON!
Owens celebrates with the belt and Rollins is down on the floor. Jericho is MIA.
