It’s Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back at you with another WWE Raw Report. The wife is just getting over the flu and now battling pneumonia because of it, so I may have to tend to her needs for brief moments but I’m going to try and bulldoze my way through the tedious program that is Monday Night Raw.
WWE RAW PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- Raw is in Charlotte, NC. It’s the home of Charlotte, Flair. She’s defending against Sasha Banks tonight. They tease Ric Flair possibly showing up. It’s already been confirmed be the news sites that he’s in the building. Hopefully he’s not drunk. Woooo
- Last week, Jericho Cara helped K. Owens defeat Seth Rollins to retain the Universal Title. This saga continues.
- Mick Foley had Strowman KILL Sami Zayn last week. If I were Zayn I’d go find Foley and fuck him up. Speaking of Zayn, we go to backstage Raw. Zayn confronts Foley and wants a rematch with Strowman. Foley says Braun has a match. Sami tells Mick to change it. Foley tells Zayn he doesn’t want a rematch. Foley refuses to change the match. Sami says he will take matters into his own hands.
- New Day defend the titles tonight against Gallows and Anderson. They’re inching ever so closely to dethroning Demolition as the longest reigning tag team champions of all time. That’s what happens when you sue Vince.
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THE WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 28, 2016 – THE SPECTRUM CENTER
CHARLOTTE, NC
To the replay. There’s a replay of last week’s Owens/Rollins match. Jericho aids Owens in the win.
– HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH KEVIN OWENS –
Owens sets a new Highlight Reel record as guest in back to back weeks. They run down Americans and the Thanksgiving holiday. They talk about people being fake with their families to mooch a free meal and get fat, then turn around and knock people over for cheap flat screen TV’s on Black Friday. Canadians are truly thankful. They explain. They’re thankful for being best fiends, they’re thankful for scarves, thankful for Rollins sucking.
Jericho explains it wasn’t him wearing a Sin Cara mask last week, it was Sin Cara wearing a Jericho mask. LMAO. Rollins isn’t here this week because he’s not medically cleared.
To the ROMAN REIGNS. Here comes Mr. Personality himself. Reigns dumps on them. Owens flubs some lines. Jericho blames it on English being his second language. HAH! Reigns says Owens needs KO. Owens says he doesn’t need Jericho. Reigns says without Jericho Owens would have lost his Universal title every week.
Jericho starts to tease putting Reigns on the list, when Owens tells Jericho to SHUT UP. Owens gets all serious. Reigns challenges him to a match. Owens accepts the challenge. Reigns proclaims he will kick KO’s ass.
Jericho continues to look confused on how Owens was speaking to him.
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* To the Jeri-KO. Backstage Owens is worried about Reigns talking shit. Jericho is worried about KO telling him to shut up. They argue backstage, Owens says he doesn’t need Jericho to win matches and wants Jericho to stop helping him. Jericho says he doesn’t need Owens either, as a best friend. Mick Foley steps in to ban Jericho again but Jericho says he is leaving because they’re no longer friends. SWERVE.
– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. R-TRUTH –
Murder. Death. Kill. Strowman finishes this with a powerslam in 35 seconds.
Winner is Strowman
Goldust attacks post match, but Strowman starts to hammer back.
SAMI ZAYN rushes down and back jumps Strowman. Braun is quick to turns things around and flattens Zayn once again. And again. And again.He ties Zayn on the tree of woe again but the referees step in front. Mick Foley begins to make his way to ringside when the show cuts to commercial.
What weird shitty timing.
Can’t wait to see what he ever does with that fucking tree of woe shit.
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– MICK FOLEY / SAMI ZAYN SEGMENT –
Byron Saxton interviews Foley in the ring. Zayn is upset that Foley ended the shit. Foley says he saved Sami from a massacre. Zayn says Foley is taking orders from above. He shits on Foley. Foley tells Zayn he will never beat Strowman because Braun is a monster not a wrestler. Zayn asks how many times Foley was told he couldn’t do it. Zayn called Foley someone he looked up to, but not anymore. Fuck yeah. Fuck you Foley. Foley rebutts but flubs his line and has to SPIT OUT HIS FALSE TEETH. LMAO!
Zayn is DONE with Foley. Sami chews Foley out and leaves. Fuck you Beardy McFucker-Stuffings!
* To the Charlotte. She’s preparing for her match with Sasha. Dana Brooke walks in. Dana is getting a Charlotte homecoming party put together.
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– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. TONY NESE –
Nese doesn’t even get an intro. Drew Gulak is with Nese. Alicia Fox looks on from backstage, she looks like she wants to rub her crotch. Nese lands a double jump moonsault for two. Nese with some offense and a chinlock. Alexander fights back hitting a handspringpring into an enzuigiri. Cedric sets up for a springboard but Gulak on the apron. Cedric springboards Gulak off the apron, but Nese comes uyp from behind and hits a nasty pumphandle into a powerbomb and almost dumps Ceddy on his headdy. That bump looked nasty. This is over in 4:15.
Winner is Tony Nese
I wonder what Fox thought of that?
The Cruiserweight division is Vince’s 50/50 booking at it’s best.
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* To the Jericho. He’s got his luggage and he’s rolling his way out of the arena. Sure he is. Is anyone buying this shit at all? Did they fucking change interview chicks again? Or did this khunt get an ugly hairdo?
Jericho goes to his limo where the driver accidentally drops Jericho’s list. Chris goes to pick it up and realizes SETH ROLLINS has arrived! Rollins attacks Jericho for costing him last week and beats his ass in the parking lot. Seth throws a guard rail, they fight onto a car.
PEDIGREE ON A CAR. Jericho is laid out.
Less than 5 minutes of wrestling and we’re an hour into a 3 hour show. Sounds like 1998 WCW Nitro.
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– WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. SASHA BANKS –
The toad Dana Brooke is with Charlotte. Do they purposely hide Brooke’s giant knockers? It’s like they purposely don’t want her to have any love at all. They battle back and forth eventually going to the floor. The ref counts both ladies out in 5:00.
DOUBLE COUNT OUT
Nerf Herder Mick Foley interrupts. Man this fucker is in every segment of this show. This was apparently supposed to end their feud and a count out is no good. Hell in a Cell wasn’t a good enough blow off for a match? Let’s have another on Raw for the fuck of it!
Instead of just ordering the match to continue Foley decides to tell them they will come back out later and wrestle again. WTF? The rematch will be no DQ and no count out. I fucking hate this booking.
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– ENZO AMORE VS. RUSEV –
I thought last week was a pretty definitive ending but I guess we need a rematch anyway. Lana has some sexy hair this week. Enzo reminds Rusev that Lana saw his shlong. He talks about Lana wanting him to “stuff her turkey”. Rusev be S-A-W-F-T. Rusev immediately kicks Enzo’s head off his body. A deliberate KICK TO THE BALLS. Match is like 20 seconds. Fucking shit.
Winner is Enzo by DQ
That was really worth even having now wasn’t it?
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* To the Mark Henry. He’s in a WWE film. They show a clip of the movie. In the clip Henry gets his ass kicked. Titus O’Neil interrupts. He says Henry stole his spot in the movie. Titus grabs Henry. Mark shoves Titus down and makes him look like a total bitch. Vince hates Titus, that much is evident.
– RICH SWANN VS. NOAM DAR –
Brian Kendrick is doing commentary. Kendrick defends the Cruiser title against Swann on the debut episode of 205 Live tomorrow night. Swann falls throat first across the bottom rope and Dar gets control. Dar controls, until Swann rolls through a take over and hits a fucking ground kick that knocks Dar out. Match is around 2:30.
Winner is Rich Swann
* Corey Graves interviews Swann. Rich has fun with Kendrick. Brian isn’t having fun.
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* To the BAR with Sheamus & Cesaro. They’re not even at the show. They’re at a bar instead. Wish I were. They argue but then brag about winning at Survivor Series. The drunkards from the pool table begin to fuck with them. Terrible acting by the “bar patrons”. Some of the worst acting ever. Cesaro and Sheamus try to be professional but decide against it. Cesaro throws one through a wall, then they have more drinks. They beat the shit out of the bar drunks. APA V2.0 BITCHES!!!
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– UNIVERSAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. ROMAN REIGNS –
This is a non-title bout. Owens attacks Reigns before the bell sounds and beats him down into the corner. Bell sounds and KO right back on Reigns. Owens is all over Reigns and owning his ass. KO with a 2 count and Raw heads to break just a couple minutes in.
Raw rolls on. Owens still has the control. Owens lands the cannonball for a near fall. A lengthy chinlock follows. Reigns finally gets loose but Owens lands a senton for another near fall. Owens tries another senton but lands on the knees of Reigns. Roman drills Owens with clotheslines and big boot.
KO escapes a Samoan drop. They trade punches. Good counter sequence leads to Reigns hitting the Samoan drop this time. He gets 2. Owens rolls outside to dodge a Superman Punch, but he gets the Drive By instead. In the ring Owens hits a superkick for another near fall.
SUPERMAN PUNCH knocks Owens off the top rope to the floor. Another Superman Punch on the floor. In the ring Reigns goes for a spear. Owens kicks him away. Reigns charges again. SPEAR CONNECTS! He’s no Goldberg, but this does get the win in 14:00.
Winner is Roman Reigns.
Reigns will now meet Owens for the Universal Title at the Roadblock PPV.
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* To the Owens. He’s not happy right now. Jericho is still his best friend. He rips down interviewer Charly Caruso.
– MICHAEL COLE INTERVIEWS PAUL HEYMAN –
After advertising Heyman on Raw we learn that this is a prerecorded interview with Cole and Heyman. This is the first time Heyman is responding to the Lesnar loss to Goldberg at Survivor Series. Heyman admits they screwed up and take accountability for it. They took Goldberg lightly. He calls Goldberg a relic from 12 years ago. He claims Goldberg broke Brock’s ribs on the first spear and Brock couldn’t breathe. You can’t breathe, you can’t fight. Heyman tears up.
Paul says Brock has something to prove. Goldberg is in the Rumble? BROCK IS IN THE RUMBLE!
Brock is coming to win the Rumble, but more yet he will be making Goldberg his victim!
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* To the EMMALINA. FUCK ME MOMMY! The makeover is almost complete. Emmalina is coming soon. If she shows up here I’ll be coming soon too.
– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS NEW DAY VS. GALLOWS AND ANDERSON –
So 17 more days and New Day beats the Demolition’s record. Given that this ever so important TITLE MATCH hasn’t been promoted or mentioned since Raw started, I think we can guess how much of a chance Gallows and Anderson have of winning this here. Sorry Demolition.
Looks like it’s Big E and Woods in this one. Gallows & Anderson ambush all three New Day to begin and leave them all laying. A powerbomb on Woods gets a near fall only moments in. Woods tries to fight his way out of the challengers corner but doesn’t succeed. The challengers continue to beat down Xavier and Raw takes a commercial after a minute or so of action.
Raw rolls on. Kingston distracts and Woods nails an enzuigiri to finally get the hot tag to Big E. A trio of belly to belies on Anderson. Anderson escapes the Big Ending and hits a flying running boot for a near fall on E.
Big E spears Anderson through the ropes to the floor. One of these days that dude is gonna break his fucking neck doing that spot. E tries the Big Ending on Anderson, but Gallows superkicks him. Anderson hits a Spinebuster on Woods for another near fall.
POWERBOMB TOP ROPE NECKBREAKER!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCK! Woods is out. WOODS KICKS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK?
They set Woods up for the Magic Killer, Big E comes in. Gallows with a double choke bomb on E. Woods tries a Honor Roll. Karl ducks but Xavier lands a rolling elbow. Anderson with a roll up. Woods reverses it and HOOKS THE TIGHTS to win in 11:00. NEW DAY CHEATS A-FUCKING-GAIN to win a match.
Winners are New Day. Puke.
* To the Sasha Banks & Bayley. Tonight is about the Women’s title. Sasha will be the 3 times champion. She’s dedicating it to Ric Flair or something.
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– WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE VS. SASHA BANKS –
This is the rematch from earlier. This time FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE. Charlotte gets sent to the floor and Sasha with a scary suicide dive just seconds into the match. A cover on the floor gets 2. Charlotte ducks the double knees off the apron and the girls with a double clothesline outside to send us to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Charlotte is dominating. Sasha tries a sunset flip but Charlotte blocks it. Banks counters a Figure 8 and hits the double knees drop. They trade chops on the apron. Charlotte boots Banks and her head bounces off the apron. Banks kicks out on the floor.
Natural Selection on the floor gets 2. Yet somehow it got a win in Hell in a Cell.
BANKS FINDS A KENDO STICK and just beats the shit out of Charlotte with it. SHE CANES HER IN THE KHUNT!
Charlotte retaliates with a neckbreaker on the floor. Figure Eight on the floor. SASHA CANES CHARLOTTE IN THE GUT. Wicked. Move is broken.
The fight up the ramp. They head up to the Raw announce table on the stage. Charlotte throws Banks off the stage. Charlotte climbs onto the announce table. MOONSAULT OFF THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!!! BANKS KICKS OUT!!! Fucking jeeeebus.
The fight goes back to the ring. Charlotte gets driven into the ring post and the barricade. Backdrop on the floor and Banks climbs onto the barricade. DOUBLE KNEES OFF THE BARRICADE. Charlotte barely kicks out before 3. Fuck man.
Sasha with more kendo stickery. They fight into the fans. They start fighting up the stairs. Charlotte gets trapped in the railing and the BANKS STATEMENT IN THE RAILING!!
CHARLOTTE TAPS IMMEDIATELY!
BANKS WINS IN 14:00.
Winner is Sasha Banks.
NEW CHAMPION AGAIN!
That finish was out of nowhere but it was unique and pretty awesome.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
We ain’t done yet.
RIC FLAIR headed to the ring.
Flair raises Sasha’s hand in victory. They high five and Ric leaves.
Charlotte is in the crowd doing her usual crying.
I guess everyone truly does lose in their hometown.
