Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back at you with another edition of the WWE Raw Report. The shit of a show that was Survivor Series is behind us (Thank you Lord!) and tonight on Raw we hopefully move forward.
WWE RAW PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- The elephant in the room is addressed right away. The analysts (Stanford, Lawler, Lita, Booker) discuss Brock Lesnar jobbing in 90 seconds to Goldberg.
- Team Raw won the ladies match. Nikki Bella was laid out by an anonymous person before the match. Presumably by the man-cunt Natalya and her giant knockers and gross fucking face. Natalya is living proof you can stick a gross face on a nice body and ruin the entire thing. After the match Charlotte beat Bayley’s ass for the fuck of it. Bayley responds in a post Series interview. Don’t sing it, bring it, chica.
- Mick Foley joins the preshow on Skype. Foley will settle for 2 out of 3 Elimination match wins. Foley mockingly thinks Baron Corbin or Dean Ambrose should be Raw MVP for their shitty interference last night.
- Team Smackdown won the only match that mattered even in spite of Styles taking a Shield reunion Triple Powerbomb through a table. The Wyatt Family wiped out the Roman Empire to take it.
- Team Raw won the 10 tag team match. Cesaro and Sheamus survived and earned a tag team title match tonight against New Day.
- Cedric Alexander is backstage hitting on Alicia Fox, this new Daivari interrupts them and says shit in Arabic or some shit. He is evil because he is foreign you see.
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THE WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 21, 2016 – AIR CANADA CENTRE
TORONTO, ONTARIO
– GOLDBERG ADDRESSES HIS FUTURE –
After the opening Goldberg’s music hits and he stomps his way through the back before entering through his pyro. Lots of Goldberg chanting going on. He thanks the fans, he thanks his wife for putting up for his shitty attitude and foul mouth. He thanks his son who I am leaning towards thinking has something mentally wrong with him. Goldberg says all good things must come to an end. The crowd bites the bait and chants NO.
Goldberg says he ran into Stephanie McMahon after his match last night. She asked the Berg if he has one more title run left in him. The crowd chants YES. Goldberg agrees with the fans. The road to Goldberg’s title match runs through WrestleMania. What that means is, EVERYONE IS NEXT!.
That was Goldberg’s way of entering the Royal Rumble. Seven fans decide to start chanting YOU SCREWED BRET for whatever the fuck reason. It gets drowned out pretty much right away.
GOLDBERG IS IN THE RUMBLE.
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– RAW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS NEW DAY VS. CESARO / SHEAMUS –
I wonder how many days it is now before New Day beats the lawsuit filled Demolition to become the longest reigning tag champions. And there you go, Woods addresses Demolition’s record. New Day will beat it in 23 days. So that answers that. Big E and Kingston will be the defenders. Cesaro and Big E show some power and Cesaro hits a really impressive powerslam on E. Cesaro tries a money flip on Kofi and Kofi lands on his feet. Then Kofi tries a monkey flip on Cesaro and Cesaro lands on his feet. Kofi gets to the ropes to stop a Cesaro Swing. Sheamus pulls Kofi outside and throws him into the post and Raw goes to a commercial.
Raw rolls on. Shortly after the show returns Big E gets a hot tag and wipes the mat with Sheamus with a trio of belly to bellies. Kofi tackles Cesaro on the floor while E hits a big splash on Sheamus for a 2 count. Sheamus retaliates with White Noise on E and gets 2 as well. Cesaro with the uppercut train on Kofi, and he catches a Kofi dive and turns it into a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Kingston lands an SOS for a near fall. Cesaro with the SWING and turns it into the Sharpshooter. Big E tries to interfere but takes a Brogue Kick.
Cesaro has Kofi in the middle of the ring with the Shooter. Xavier Woods gets on the apron and plays Francesca VIII. It distracts the referee who misses KOFI TAPPING OUT. Sheamus confronts Woods, but Kofi cradles Cesaro and New Day CHEAT LIKE MOTHER FUCKERS to retain in 12:00.
Winners are.. Fuck You New Day, Demolition is better.
* To the Man, Maaaaan. It’s Y2Jericho. His list appears to be back in order. Chris is not happy about his lsit falling apart last night and being shown to the world. Tonight he will address the person who destroyed his list. He calls Charley Caruso ‘Charles’ which was funny. He implies he’s calling out Kevin Owens but doesn’t say his name, which means he will blame someone else.
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* TO THE NAKED ENZO. Enzo is locked out of the locker room naked. He runs into Lana. She seems to like his dong. Rusev is pissed off that his wiener is hanging out in this PG show. Big Cass joins in. Rusev is offended for his wife. He challenges Enzo to a match.
* To the Foley, Stephanie, Zayn. They’re excited for Goldberg in the Rumble. Sami Zayn stops in. Mick Foley likes Zayn but there must be ramifications for losing last night. He has to face Braun Strowman tonight. I guess we forgot they were feuding a few weeks ago. How come nobody else is receiving punishments for losing? Reigns? Rollins? KO? Jericho? Fuck nuggets.
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– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
This is your basic Vince took over the Cruiserweight division match. Cedric goes to the top rope and takes a fucking crazy hot shot bump when he’s knocked off. That shit looked nasty. Daivari takes over for a near fall. Crowd is catches zzz’s. Cedric with a handspring enzuigiri to the face of Daivari. Cedric connects with the Lumbar Check and its over. Match was like 3:00.
Winner is Cedric Alexander
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– HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH KEVIN OWENS –
Jericho is in the ring and he wants to talk about the destruction of THE LIST, even though the list is back in tact. Kevin Owens interrupts only seconds into the promo to join Chris in the ring. Jericho wants to discuss who is to blame. Jericho and Owens argue about what version of the Jeritron they’re using. Owens shows photo stills from Series. It shows Owens saving Jericho from the Styles Clash by breaking the list over Styles head. He says he did Chris a favor. Jericho is very offended that Owens abused the List. Owens asks Jericho ‘Who cares?’. Jericho says he cares.
Owens says he sacrificed himself for Jericho last night and got eliminated. Jericho thinks maybe they never had much of a friendship. Jericho talks about taking all the finishers every week for Owens while Kevin backs away. Jericho is digusted and says he is finished with Owens. Good shit.
They both simultaneously blame Roman Reigns and hug out of nowhere. QUEER.
They shit on Rollins next, which bring Seth out. I guess Roman didn’t care as much. Rollins runs them down. They run Rollins down. They beat down Seth. Roman Reigns comes out to make the save, with entrance music, and walking to the ring. Fuck you Roman Reigns walking the ring. So the former Shield members brawl with Owens and Jericho.
* To the Foley. He announces Owens vs. Rollins in a NO DQ TITLE MATCH for tonight’s main event. Jericho is barred from ringside.
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– ENZO AMORE VS. RUSEV –
Lana calls Canada ‘America’. She did that in Scotland on accident so I’m guessing this was on purpose. Rusev just fucking SQUASHES ENZO in 50 seconds. Just WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?
Winner is Rusev
Fucking Jack Swagger lasted longer. Why are tag team wrestlers so shitty in singles? Fucking stupid.
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– GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. THE GOLDEN TRUTH –
The winners of this match will challenge New Day next week for the titles. How did Golden Truth get this shot? They couldn’t even make Series. This match actually goes longer than I expected but the outcome is still the same. Magic Killer on Goldust ends it in 6:00.
Winners are Gallows & Anderson
They face New Day next week for the titles.
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– SAMI ZAYN VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
STROWMAN JUST RUNS OVER FUCKING ZAYN ON HIS WAY TO THE RING. He just killed him. Braun is pissed about last night. So Mick Foley does this to people who get screwed out of a win? Then shouldn’t Strowman also be punished? Strowman fucking smashes Zayn’s sternum in the corner. If I were Sami I’d go to Smackdown.
Strowman crushes Zayn in the corner again. He tries a third and runs into a boot from Zayn. Sami throws some hay makers. Strowman runs him over with a clothesline. A short arm clothesline kills Zayn even more. Zayn tries to fight back but he can’t Braun just pounds on him. The fans chant for Zayn. Strowman carries a dead weight Zayn and hangs him in the tree of woe.
Mick Foley orders the match be stopped 4:00 in.
Winner is Strowman by stoppage
So that’s what happens when you lose a match by a screw job finish to shitty Miz? Makes no sense. They go from putting Zayn over Owens to making him a job guy.
This is where Smackdown would end but since this is Raw I have another HOUR plus runover to look forward to.
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* To the EMMAlina. Wouldn’t you know it, the bitch is still coming. I’d be coming,…… insider her. Bada boom, really guy in the room.
– CHARLOTTE AND SASHA BANKS SEGMENT –
Charlotte and Dana Brook are out first. Charlotte is the Queen and now she doesn’t have to deal with the other Raw peasants now that Series is over. This brings out Sasha Banks.
Banks wants her title rematch tonight. Charlotte agrees to the rematch, but not tonight.
* To the Nia Jax. She’s put on 25 pounds since joining Raw. I like them big but she’s just yuck. Gross khunt. She thinks Sasha is overrated. They get face to face. Dana Brooke starts mocking Sasha so Banks nails her. Jax attacks Banks.
Bayley rushes down to aid Sasha. Raw goes to commercial.
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– CHARLOTTE / NIA JAX VS. SASHA BANKS / BAYLEY –
Sasha and Bayley have control of Charlotte when Raw returns. This match is joined in progress. Nia Jax comes in. She’s big so she’s tough and shit. Nia beats up Bayley. Banks gets a hot tag. Sasha laying it into Charlotte. Double knees in the corner gets 2. Nia Jax is so fat she barely breaks the count in time because she gets stuck trying to get in the ring. The faces double suplex Jax. Banks Statement on Charlotte, and Charlotte taps AGAIN. The faces win in 4:00 or some shit.
Winners are Banks / Bayley
* To the Rollins in the back. Seth is looking forward for his title match tonight with Jericho barred from ringside.
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– TJ PERKINS VS. NAOM DAR VS. RICH SWANN –
Winner meets Brian Kendrick for the Cruiserweight Title on the debut 205 Live show next week. Kendrick is on commentary. Match goes to a commercial early on as TJ goes after the knee of Swann. As Raw continues Swann whiffs a top rope rana but Perkins takes the bump anyway. Perkins fucking with a back kick that hits Dar right in the fucking jaw. Dar comes back with the ankle lock on TJ, but Swann lays in a kick to Noam’s head to break it up. Perkins gets the knee bar on Swann but Dar breaks it up. Dar misses a body block and TJ locks him in the knee bar. Swann breaks it up this time. Swann with a sweet back spin kick on Perkins and Swann wins the match in 8:00.
Winner is Rich Swann
Swann challenges Kendrick on 205 Live next week.
* To the Owens. He has to defend against Rollins next. KO says Seth with fail again tonight.
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* To the main event. But not before WWE shamelessly $hills their Black Friday merch. Enzo and Cass sell us on WWE merch for Xmas. How you doin?
– NO DQ; UNIVERSAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. SETH ROLLINS –
Jericho is banned from ringside. Rollins takes it to Owens and hits the flying knee early for a 2 count. Rollins grabs a table less than a minute into the match. Owens puts a stop to that and floors Rollins and then sends the table back to the outside. Raw takes what I imagine will be it’s final break.
Raw rolls on. During the break Owens hit a DDT on the chair onto Rollins. KO is still using chairs. More chairs. Seth retaliates with the Slingblade. Suicide dive to Owens on the outside. Now inside Rollins drives KO face first into a seated chair for a 2 count. Raw with another commercial. Fuck, they fooled me.
Raw rolls on. Again. By my count this match has been going for 12:00. 6 of those minutes in commercial. Owens rolls away from a Rollins Frog Splash. KO hits the Cannonball with a chair on Rollins for a near fall. Owens sets two chairs up facing each other. He tries a powerbomb on them but Seth backdrops KO onto the chairs. Seth gets 2.
Table gets propped in the corner. Rollins hits a superkick on a kneeling Owens for another 2. They fight to the top rope. Rollins slides over and hits the running Liger bomb through the table in the corner. Holy balls!
ONE
TWO
HOLY FUCK OWENS KICKS OUT!
Rollins clotheslines Owens into the crowd and launches himself off the barricade onto KO. They fight through the fans. Rollins chases after KO and sends him into a garbage can. And then sends the garbage can into him. Owens tries a Powerbomb on the floor but Seth climbs onto the second tier of fans and SETH DIVES OFF ONTO OWENS. Fans chant Holy shit. Great camera angle.
Seth drags Owens back to ringside.
Rollins jumps onto the barricade where he is tripped and shoved off by a fan in a lucha mask. It’s that damned Chris Jericho. He’s banned from ringside. But he’s in the crowd, not at ringside!
Seth drags Jerico over the barricade. Pedigree on Jericho!
Seth turns around. Owens with a Superkick. Powerbomb onto the edge of the apron! He rolls Rollins inside and steals yet another win after 23:00.
Even heel commentator Corey Graves shits all over how the finish went down claiming Jericho ruined another match.
Will Owens ever look like a champion before he drops the belt?
