IIIIIIIIT’S RAW TIME!
Bobby “The Brain” Mayo back at you with another edition of the WWE Raw Report. We’re heading into Survivor Series THIS Sunday night! Should (hopefully) be a mildly interesting show tonight as they finalize things for the Raw side of things.
WWE RAW PRESHOW BULLET POINTS
- A whole lot of building up the Survivor Series. The panel talk about their dream Survivor Series teams and show a pole of which one wins. There’s a “trivia” question asking who the Visionaries team was from 1990.
- They talk about the matches coming up this Sunday, everyone thinks Lesnar will beat Goldberg. They talk up the Team Raw vs. team Smackdown Series matches.
- To the Backstage with Sami Zayn and Bo Dallas. Bo is now trying to grow his brother Wyatt’s beard. Dallas is upset he was overlooked to be the challenger at Series against Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler. Only Bo believes in Bo. Zayn respects Bo as a wrestler and Sami says he knows what it’s like to only believe in yourself. I’m guessing these two wrestle tonight on Raw. Either that or this segment was pointless.
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THE WWE RAW REPORT
NOVEMBER 14, 2016 – KEYBANK CENTER
BUFFALO, NEW YORK
– STEPHANIE AND FOLEY ADDRESS THE RAW STARS –
As Raw begins, Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon are in the ring. All members of Raw that are representing the brand at Survivor Series are standing on the stage, including Zayn and Kendrick. Stephanie talks up all the Raw stars and mentioned that they must get along at Series. She hopes they got all their animosity out last week, because this week they need to learn to be a team. Steph starts making random matches. Foley forgets there are more matches to be made tonight and tries to end the promo too soon. Steph reminds him the promo isn’t dad. LOL’Z. They announce Reigns/Owens vs. Sheamus/Cesaro, New Day vs. Strowman/Jericho/Rollins, Charlotte/Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax and Foxy crotch. They Reigns tag match starts right now.
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– ROMAN REIGNS / KEVIN OWENS VS. CESARO / SHEAMUS –
Reigns gains control but Owens doesn’t want to tag in. This allows the Cesaro/Sheamus team to take over on Roman. They argue a bunch. This shit is beyond old. Sheamus hits a slingshot shoulder block. More arguing. Reigns tries to take over on Sheamus but no dice. Owens confronts Reigns outside and they argue. Cesar launches himself over the top rope with a spinning plancha onto both men. Raw goes to commercial right here. When Raw returns, Kevin Owens is finally in the match and working on Cesaro in the ring. Owens with a flying tornado DDT. Holy fuck! Look at that fat ass fly! KO cannonball into the corner on Cesaro gets only a 2.
Cesaro finally drops Owens and gets a hot tag to Sheamus. Read that again.. A hot tag.. to.. Sheamus. It’s as exciting as it sounds. Sheamus works on Owens for a short bit before KO flings him to the floor and tags Reigns back in. Now Reigns takes over on Sheamus outside the ring. Back in the ring the SUPERMAN PUNCH connects on Sheamus, but Cesaro stops the count. Cesaro takes a KO Superkick and a Reigns Superman Punch. Owens and Reigns begin to argue and shove each other. Sheamus surprises Owens with a BROGUE KICK. Reigns then SPEARS Sheamus. Reigns pulls Owens on top of Sheamus to give his team the win in 12:00.
Winners are Reigns & Owens
This wasn’t painful. That’s about as good of a rating as I can give it. They tell the story that the main eventers are ready for Series. They tell the story that Reigns can be a team player even if his partner is an ass.
* To the backstage with Jericho, Rollins, and Strowman. Jericho wants to get rid of the bad vibes in the team for tonight. Jericho offers them gifts. Rollins opens his gift. It’s the scarf of Jericho. Try it on, maaaaaaaaan. Rollins is not a scarf guy. Braun doesn’t want his scarf, he wants the scarf that Jericho is wearing. Jericho gives Braun the scarf. Braun just rips Jericho’s scarf in half. Braun doesn’t like scarves, and he doesn’t like Jericho. Not a bad segment. Meant for comedy. It didn’t make me groan.
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– SAMI ZAYN VS. BO DALLAS –
Bo trying to grow a heel beard. Might want to ask brother Wyatt for some tips. Dallas looking aggressive early on. Zayn catches him with an overhead belly to belly into the corner. The Helluva Kick ends this in 2:30. Sorry Bo.
Winner is Zayn
Byron Saxton interview with Zayn in the ring. Sami will bring the IC strap back to Raw. Short and sweet.
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To the Cruisers. All the Cruisers are in the back having discussion. Brian Kendrick interrupts them all. He assures them that the Cruisers will remain on Raw (even though they will be taped at Smackdown). Everyone starts talking about wanting a shot at Kendrick. Kendrick, Swann, Noam Dar all want shots. Shoot fighter Sin Cara interrupts to say his friend Kalisto will make a better champion. I wish they’d give ten of these Cruisers a match at Series.
– NEW DAY SEGMENT –
So New Day has been the tag team champions for almost 450 days. And thanks to Demolition suing WWE, they’ll continue being champions until they beat the Demolition’s record. Fuck You, WWE. They come out with a shopping cart of New Day merchandise shit. This promos is literally just to push their merchandise. What shit.
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– NEW DAY VS. ROLLINS / JERICHO / STROWMAN –
Six-man tag team action. Lots of dissension played up on the Jericho team. Guys tagging each other hard. This leads to back and forth action between the two teams. Rollins slingblade on Woods. Woods Honor Roll on Jericho. New Day hits a triple team on Jericho and the Big E Splash gets 2. Jericho gets the better of Kofi and Chris slaps Braun Strowman’s chest to tag him in and orders Braun to get Kofi. Strowman looks disgusted but he just obliterates Kingston as Raw goes into break.
Raw rolls on. Strowman still killing Kofi. Kingston finally gets a way and hot tags it to Woods. Jericho tags himself in to help his team. People start brawling everywhere. Strowman catches a Kofi dive over the top rope and drives him to the floor. Strowman also kills Big E on the floor.
In the ring Woods hits a rolling elbow on Seth. Rollins cvomes back for the Pedigree but Jericho tags himself in. Woods blocks the WALLS. Jericho tags Braun in. Strowman with the Bulldog Powerslam and pins Woods with ease. Couldn’t have done that to Demolition! Team Jericho wins in 13:30.
Winners are Rollins/Jericho/Strowman
Jericho talks shit post match. He reminds Seth that Jericho is the captain. Seth responds with a Pedigree.
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* To the People in charge. Foley and Stephanie are excited for Survivor Series. PAUL HEYMAN interrupts. Steph implies that Paul is fat. Way to BE A STAR, Steph. Heyman teases that shit is going to hit the fan tonight and then walks away. Foley gets on the phone to call for an ass load of security for the Goldber/Lesnar segment tonight to make sure the match makes it to Series.
* To the ladies. Charlotte and Sasha Banks have a back and forth in the locker room. Charlotte talks about how great she is. Banks reminds her that since Charlotte is captain, if they lose it’s all on Charlotte.
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– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION BRIAN KENDRICK VS. SIN CARA –
Cara has new stereotypical Mexican entrance music and no longer flips into the ring. Kendrick attacks Kalisto’s buddy before the bell. Cara takes a minute to get into the ring and the match finally starts. Kendrick maintains control. Kendrick is easily the most boring of all the Cruisers and it shines through right here. Cara with a Northern lights suplex out of nowhere for 2 and then Kendrick right back in control. The match goes to the floor. Cara hits a suicide dive. Cara tries a second suicide dive and misses. Raw takes a time out.
Raw rolls on. Sin Cara begins to take control with a shitty looking splash from the top rope. Crowd chants boring. If I were there I would too. Cara hits some offense. You can hear him fucking calling spots out loud. It’s either him or Kendrick. Someone calls for a powerbomb and the next move is a powerbomb. Well what do you know. The two men knock heads. Crowd could give a fuck less. This has gone on far too long. Vince McMahon destroyed this division.
This doesn’t feel anything like the Cruiserweight Classic. This is as boring and slow as any boring Raw match. Kendrick fucks around with Cara’s mask to where he can’t see and Kendrick hooks on that Captain’s Hook shit to end this bucket of shit match after 12:00.
Winner is Brian Kendrick
* To the Enzo & Cass. Gallows & Anderson confront them. These four men have to team tonight in an 8-man. They don’t seem to get along. This segment goes nowhere and wasn’t funny.
The Brock and Goldberg segment is NEXT? THE FUCK?
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– GOLDBERG / BROCK LESNAR ~ FACE TO FACE –
We have around ten security / indy guys in the ring before the introductions. Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are out first. Then it’s Goldberg out next. The security has formed a wall across the middle of the ring to prevent the two from going face to face. Even though this segment was advertised as a face to face meeting. Goldberg looks blown up just entering the ring. That can’t be good for their match. Goldberg chants.
Goldberg cuts off Paul Heyman, because this isn’t about Paul Heyman. Goldberg wants Heyman and the shitty security out of the ring so that the two real men can get it on. Goldberg chants continue. Heyman runs down a list of people Brock has conquered. Goldberg says he’s not on that list.
Heyman keeps bringing up Goldberg’s family so Goldberg says the next time Heyman brings them up he will rip his head off. Heyman offers Goldberg a chance to back out of the match and he will find a replacement. Goldberg tears his shirt off.
Heyman tells Goldberg he will be conquered at Survivor Series. Lesnar throws down two of the security. Heyman says Goldberg’s son will call Lesnar daddy. Goldberg destroys the security to get at Brock.
Lesnar stands on the apron and teases to fight Goldberg but he leaves.
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– SASHA BANKS & CHARLOTTE VS. NIA JAX & ALICIA FOX –
Bayley is on commentary for this match. The ladies give it to each other. It;s back and forth. Jax mauls over Sasha and Raw goes to a break. After the commercial, Jax still has control. Nothing fancy to report here. Things break down and all four women are in the ring. Sasha and Charlotte argue with each other leading to Fox nailing a cross body on both. There’s some distraction by Jax but Sasha ends up putting Fox in the Banks Statement and Alicia taps in 8:00.
Winners are Charlotte and Sasha
Bayley joins Banks after the match for a celebration hug.
* To the Foley Speech. Mick is with the main event Team Raw participants. He reminds them they don’t have to like each other to survive at Survivor Series. Foley tells the crew to stick around for fireworks when he gets in the ring later with Shane and Bryan.
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* To the half-naked Emmalina. She’s still coming soon.
– ENZO & CASS / GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. GOLDEN TRUTH / SHINING STARS –
Stars stole Golden Truth’s spot at Series, and now they’re teaming. Enzo and Cass send Stars to the floor. Golden Truth sends Gallows and Anderson to the floor. The face teams tease going at it but they don’t Raw goes to commercial and the crowd is asleep.
Raw rolls on. R-Trizzle be tryin to mount some offense but a Shining Star distraction allows Anderson and Gallows to maintain the advantage. Troof explodes on Anderosn with a spin kick and Primo steals a hot tag from Goldust. Big Cass also tags in and the crowd is just dead asleep. Cass big boots the shit out of Primo. Empire elbow. Golden Truth take out Epico on their own team which allows Cass to control. Gallows and Anderson hit the Magic Killer. They tease tagging Enzo in for the rocket launcher but they fake him out. Gallows covers Primo for the win in 8:00.
Winners are Enzo, Cass & Club
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– STEPHANIE & FOLEY CONFRONT SHANE & BRYAN –
This right here will sell the PPV. They’re so fucking lucky that PPV’s are $10 now because they fucking suck anymore at making you want to see the shows. Maybe they got lazy on purpose because shit is only $10. Or maybe they just suck and are lazy to come up with what Jim Ross calls ‘compelling stories’.
Stephanie is cut off right away with Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan’s entrances. In between promoting the brands and promoting the matches, barbs are thrown back and fourth among the 4 of them.
Stephanie brings out the Owens led Team Raw. Steph and Foley leave the ring, leaving Team Raw against Bryan and Shane… But they didn’t come alone! Bryan introduces… TEAM SMACKDOWN…. Out from the crowd comes Team Smackdown, complete with James Ellsworth.
The two teams go face to face. Owens takes the microphone and welcomes Smackdown to the KO show. Styles responds. Styles says something about Jericho and a sugar tit. I don’t know what that means but it was funny. Team KO hug. Jericho calls Styles a stupid idiot.
AJ styles AND HIS SOCCER MOM HAIR make the list!
Jericho finally sees James Ellsworth and calls him weird looking. CHINS MCMAHON. LMAO. Ellsworth makes the list!
Bray Wyatt confronts Braun Strowman for abandoning the Wyatt Family. Bray created Braun and will destroy him at Series. Storwman and Orton go nose to nose.
Seth Rollins talks about what he and Reigns are capable of as a team. Ambrose begins to reply but he just decks Owens. It’s a ten man brawl. Strowman begins murdering team Smackdown and crushes Shane McMahon.
Ambrose and Styles begin double teaming Strowman. SHANE COMES FLYING BACK ACROSS THE RING AND WIPES OUT STORWMAN.
Ambrose suicide dive on Rollins.
Jericho dropkicks Styles off the apron. RKO ON JERICHO!
SUPERMAN PUNCH ON ORTON!
Wyatt tries a Sister Abigail on Reigns but Roman escapes. Styles tries a Styles Clash on Reigns but Rollins blocks it. PEDRIGREE ON STYLES.
Reigns and Rollins Super Powerbomb Styles to the floor onto his team mates.
Team Raw stand united in the ring.
That was a fun ending. See you tomorrow for Smackdown everyone.
