THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 9, 2017
SMOOTHIE KING CENTER – NEW ORLEANS, LA
Just three weeks out from the Royal Rumble things continue to heat up for the PPV. With only 9 names confirmed will we see more stars throw their name into the hat to be part of the 30 man match on January 29th?
We’ve got Roman Reigns defending the U.S. Title in a handicap match against Jericho and Owens tonight. I assume the winner of the fall would win the title. This could get interesting.
Plus, we’ve got The Undertaker AND Shawn Michaels scheduled for tonight’s show. Let’s hope Vince doesn’t screw this one up.
Check back for the start of Raw.
* To the Bitch Steph / crew cut Foley. Mick with a new buzz cut. We’re backstage. Tonight is Mick’s 2016 performance evaluation. Stephanie questions Foley if he is sure the Undertaker will be here tonight. They’re interrupted by Seth Rollins who announces that he is entering the Royal Rumble match. Braun Strowman immediately interrupts and wants Reigns or Goldberg tonight. Braun is informed that Reigns has a match and Goldberg is not here. Rollins doesn’t like being interrupted so he has something for Braun…..
Rollins attacks Strowman and the two start going at it in the back. They throw chairs and fake plants and shit. Security breaks it up. Stephanie says she will handle this and sends Foley to find out what was up with Undertaker.
We go to the ring to kick off the action.
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO –
2 on 1 handicap match here for the title. Still not sure how this works but I’m guessing winner of the fall wins (or retains) the belt. The heels will have to tag in and out.
Before the match can start Braun Strowman makes his way out. Roman meets Braun on the floor and they go at it. Strowman feeds Reigns to Jeri-KO and they triple team Reigns in the ring. Seth Rollins comes running in to make the save with a chair. VAN DAMINATOR on Strowman. Rollins sends Jericho and KO to the floor. Reigns and Rollins both whack Strowman with chairs until he bails.
No Match
Bitch Steph is out now and she’s not happy. The U.S. Title match WILL happen but she will give Roman time to recuperate so he doesn’t make excuses when he loses later tonight. Instead we will start with Rollins vs. Strowman.
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
Rollins doesn’t fare well early on as his offense isn’t working on Braun. Strowman pounds on Seth, jerks him up onto his feet and pounds him back down. Rollins takes a beating for several minutes and tries to make some offense with some striking kicks and shit but Strowman counters with a fucking high ass chokeslam without the choke. He just threw Rollins up and drove him down like a chokeslam. Fuck sakes. Strowman plows into Rollins on the apron and sends Seth to the floor for a commercial break.
Raw rolls on and I’m just waiting for a gaggle of springboard knees from Rollins. Seth hits Strowman with an enzuigiri on the floor. Seth with a suicide dive but Braun just sort of bends over to sell it. Shitty. Rollins goes to Strowman’s nee to take him down to size. Here we go.. Springboard knee. Strowman doesn’t even bump. Rollins off the top but Braun catches him. Seth kicks him back and jumps into the BLOCKBUSTER but Strowman catches him upside down and drives him onto the top buckle.
Rollins kicks Strowman in the face as they fight on the top rope. Seth knocks Strowman off the ropes and hits a Frog Splash for 2. Rollins sends Strowman outside and leaps off the top rope. Braun moves and Rollins goes throat first onto the barricade. Strowman sends Rollins into the fans. Strowman drags Rollins back to the ring but they’re both counted out 11:30. Fucking shitty. Crowd shits on it too.
Double Count Out
Strowman isn’t done yet, he grabs a chair to go after Rollins. Seth manages to get the chair and swings it to clear Braun from the ring. Strowman tries to enter again but backs away.
I didn’t see either guy losing here so the finish wasn’t very surprising. While Vince continues to build up the shitty Strowman others continue to suffer. Rollins looked helpless here, just a tier above Sami Zayn because at least Seth got a few moves in. It’s making me really scared as to where Strowman goes from Rumble to Mania.
* Shawn Michaels movie ad. He’s not even the main character. I don’t think he even speaks in the ad.
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* Drew Brees isn’t in the playoffs but he is at Raw.
* Sasha Banks cost Nia Jax a #1 contenders match against Bayley last week. Let me give Sasha a trophy.
* To the Banks n’ Bayley. Sasha and Bayley are putting each other over. Sasha says her knee is fine. Bayley is pumped about getting the title shot against Charlotte at Rumble. Sasha wants a title shot if Bayley wins. Charlotte interrupts them. Charlotte reminds them that Sasha nor anyone else has beaten Charlotte at a PPV.
Nia Jax shows up and kicks the bad leg out from under Sasha. Banks goes down. Charlotte takes the opportunity to lay out Bayley. After the baby faces are laid out Charlotte pats Nia on the back. Jax then grabs Sasha and slams her up against some shit. Nia don’t need no friends. Jax waddles off on her own.
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– JACK GALLAGHER VS. DREW GULAK –
Cruiserweight time. Austin Aries has joined commentary. No Tony Nese in Gulak’s corner which is surprising. Gallagher working some technical comedy spots in. Gulak throws Jack into the ropes upside down and he lands on the back of his neck. Gulak with a straight jacket chinlock. Gallagher with some offense, he blocks a spinning fist with a headbutt to the chest. Gallagher hits the Daniel bryan running dropkick into the corner and somehow that gets a win after 3:15.
Winner is the Extraordinary Gentleman
Jack Gallagher with a promo. He invites Ariya Daivari to 205 Live to talk out their differences.
* To the HBK. Backstage TJ Perkins is teaching Shawn Michaels to dab. Fuck me. SMH I have a bad feeling about this segment.
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* To the Foley. He’s backstage looking for the Undertaker. Stephanie finds Mick. He can’t locate Taker but he assures Steph that Taker will be here. Stephanie wants FACTS. Foley’s entire performance evaluation will be based on if Taker shows. She gives Foley until the top of the next hour. How convenient.
– SHAWN MICHAELS RETURNS –
Shawn has missed the fans. He’s missed coming out on a regular basis. And he misses being in WWE this time of year. Shawn mentions the Royal Rumble and how it’s in his hometown. He talks about Rumble 97 being 20 years ago and admits he’s old. Shawn namedrops some of the beasts in the 2017 match. ‘One More Match’ chants begin, Shawn has fun with chant.
Shawn builds up the Rumble then says he wants to talk about his movie. Fucking gay.
Rusev, Lana, and Jinder Mahal interrupt. Rusev shits on Shawn Maichaels and his movie. He tells Shawn to use CGI to insert Lana into the movie. Fans chant ‘Sweet Chin Music’. Some fun comedy between Shawn in Rusev. Both of them having some ad lib fun. Rusev rips on Shawn.
Enzo and Cass join. Enzo still in the wheel chair. Enzo & Cass join the rest in the ring. Shawn calls Rusev and Jinder HATERS. Tons of ad libbing by everyone. It’s honestly funny shit.
Cass calls Rusev out right now. Rusev agrees to the match but puts Jinder in the match rather than himself. Mahal seems reluctant but Rusev talks him into it.
Shawn says he’s going to stay at ringside for the match and if you’re down with that SUCK IT.
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– BIG CASS VS. JINDER MAHAL –
Cass has Enzo & HBK. Mahal has Rusev & Lana. Match is in progress. Cass all over Jinder until they get tied in the ropes and Mahal lands a cheap shot. Mahal with chinlock and knees. Yawn. Cass comes back, two Stinger splashes. Rusev distracts on the floor and Mahal attacks Cass.
Shawn Michaels SUPERKICKS Rusev outside! Big Cass in the ring with the East River Crossing but it gets totally fucked up. Empire Elbow ends it in 4:00.
Winner is Cass
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* To the EMMALINA momma. Coming Soon.
– NEVILLE VS. LINCE DORADO –
Austin Aries is back on commentary. Dorado looks like he’s becoming a jobber lately. Dorado with a fucking HANDSPRING STUNNER, a flying rana and a suicide dive over the top rope to the floor. Great shit. Top rope crossbody gets 2 on Neville. Neville takes over with some ground work. I get that you take away high spots from heels but Neville WAS highspots so he needs a few. Neville works Lince’s arm. Dorado comes back and tries a huaracan rana but Neville counters it into a gut buster and RINGS OF SATURN ends this in 4:00.
Winner is Neville
Neville reapplies the Rings of Saturn after the match but Rich Swann makes the save. Swann showing some fire. Neville bails as Swann tries the spinning back kick.
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* To the Bitch Steph backstage. The injured Sasha and Bayley show up. They want a match with Charlotte and Nia Jax in a tag match.. next week. Sasha isn’t the BOSS, Bitch Steph is. Bitch Steph shits on them and then grants them the match, TONIGHT.
– SHEAMUS VS. LUKE GALLOWS –
Cesaro and Karl Anderson are on commentary. Sheamus with the old Kwang spin kick in the corner. Slingshot shoulder block on Gallows gets 2. Sheamus with a rolling senton and kneedrop, Gallows rolls to the floor. Sheamus follows but Luke lays him out. They’re back in the ring but Sheamus is knocked off the top rope outside. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Shamus breaks a chinlock. Sheamus looked like he was going for a Brogue kick then just threw a knee. The ten forearms to the chest of Gallows. Sheamus dropkicks Luke to the floor. Top rope clothesline by Sheamus gets 2. It’s back and forth from there. Crowd is kind of quiet. No real heat. Felllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Karl Anderson attacks Cesaro on commentary! Anderson dives off the announce table onto Cesaro on the stage. The distraction lets Gallows drop Sheamus for a near fall. Cesaro comes back and chases Anderson to the back. Now Gallows is distracted and turns into a BROGUE KICK to end this in 10:00.
Winner is Sheamus
* To the Holy Foley. Mick is still walking the halls in search for the Taker. If he wants to keep his job Taker has about 10 minutes to show up.
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* To the Roman. Charly Caruso interviews Reigns. He has an obligation to defend the title no matter how he feels. What a man. Roman gets the WHAT treatment.
– THE UNDERTAKER RETURNS TO RAW –
Mick Foley is in the ring, He asks for the Undertaker to show up. The lights go out…. but it’s Bitch Steph, being a bitch. She apologizes for Foley not producing the Undertaker. She is going to give Foley his performance review right now publicly. She puts over Foley booking the Women’s Hell in a Cell, the Sheamus and Cesaro team, but he’s also had some flubs. It comes back to Taker ‘not being here’.
Foley begins to apologize when THE GONG HITS…… Lights go out. THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE! Like magic at the top of the hour the Undertaker is here. Foley and Bitch Steph back into a corner. Taker announces that he is entering the Royal Rumble. Why didn’t he do this on Smackdown?
Braun Strowman is shown watching in the back. After calling Smackdown home like 6 weeks ago he says nobody controls him and he goes where he wants, when he wants. He gets in Bitch Steph’s face and tells her ‘no one’. He has dug 29 holes for 29 souls. Corny.
Taker says he will win Rumble and headline Mania. If anyone stands in his way they will rest in peace. Gong.
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* To Jeri-KO. Charly Caruso talks to the BFF’s. Nothing to mention.
– CHARLOTTE & NIA JAX VS. SASHA BANKS & BAYLEY –
Sasha and Charlotte start. Banks throws Charlotte into Jax and everyone argues, Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Charlotte face bumps into the middle corner. Charlotte reinjures Sasha’s knee. Bayley tags in. Bayley trying to get the crowd into it but they’re not super into it. Not the best crowd to begin with. Bayley gets some stuff in but Flair takes over. They wisely keep Jax out so far. And now the dumpy pile of seeping goo tags in and beats on Bayley. The heels control and Jax knocks Sasha off the apron.
Bayley rolls Flair up but doesn’t know Jax tagges in. Nia plows over Bayley and drops a legdrop. Jax pins Bayley like shit in 8:00.
Winners are Charlotte & Jax
Mre of the Strowman effect here. Bury talent in order to build up your monster. In this case Jax makes Strowman look like Bret Hart. Jax is horrible and has terrible balance. She looks like shit and makes those against her look like shit and when she pins them that’s just more shit. Bayley has a title match at the Rumble but can’t beat shit lard.
* To the shitty accent. Noam Dar is in the back. Alicia Fox runs into him. He expects to be slapped but she KISSES him. Dar is speechless while Fox says he can’t handle a real woman.
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– THE NEW DAY AND TITUS O’NEIL SEGMENT –
Titus apologizes for last week. He wants another opportunity to join New Day. He just wants a chance. This segment is falling flat. The crowd doesn’t care and Titus just sucks. New Day plays a video of Titus in NXT fucking up promos and slipping and falling. Now this is just cruel. That fucking Vince.
Kofi Kingston produces a new keg. It’s filled with Booty Juice. Titus needs to redeem himself. He gets to run around the ring with the keg. This time he does it without slipping. He beats his old time by 0.6 seconds. But WAIT, he drops the keg right before the goal line. Titus gets pissed and shoves Kofi. This leads to a match.
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– KOFI KINGSTON VS. TITUS O’NEIL-
Obviously they have nothing for New Day right now so we’re just going to kill time until the Royal Rumble with these Titus segments. Titus counters the SOS into the Dominator! Titus dominates. Kofi tries the same finish as Xavier but it doesn’t happen this time. Titus with some rag doll backbreakers. Woods plays the trumpet to distract. Titus throws Kofi out onto New Day but they catch him. O’Neil chases Kofi around ringside and back inside right into a Trouble in Paradise in 3:30.
Winner is Kofi
* The United Kingdom Title Tournament airs on Saturday & Sunday this weekend on the Network. I like how they changed about 1/3 of the UK tournament roster since the initial press conference.
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– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO –
Reigns attacks them in the aisle. He puts Jericho in the shark cage on the stage. Reigns tries to lock it but Owens helps his buddy out. Reigns getting a beat down on stage and they throw Roman into the shark cage and the cage falls off the stage. They beat on Reigns all the way down to the ring but Roman still wants to fight. The bell finally rings at 11pm. Jericho takes over on Reigns but it wouldn’t be Super Reigns if he didn’t make a come back. Reigns beats on both guys. Clotheslines everywhere by the U.S. Champ. Reigns throws Jericho into KO and a Samoan drop on Jericho. Nine more clotheslines by Reigns and a boot sends KO to the floor.
Reigns misses a Superman punch on Jericho and runs into a forearm from KO. LIONSAULT gets a 2 count. Owens hits a Superkick. They try for the pop up Codebreaker but Roman comes down with something. I think Jericho or Reigns fucked something up big time but they play it like Reigns hit a Superman punch. Then a Superman Punch on KO. Reigns near fall on Jericho.
Roman tries a drive by outside but KO moves and superkicks Reigns on the apron. Roman escapes a powerbomb on the floor and hits the drive by on KO. Jericho tries a springboard dropkick but flies right into the Superman Punch. Owens trips Reigns up and Roman gets hit with a CODEBREAKER, and a POWERBOMB INTO THE APRON!
The BFF’s drag Reigns into the ring. KO shouts in Reigns face, KEVIN.. OWENS.. SHOW.. and throws Reigns right into a CODEBREAKER.
Jericho covers.. 1–2–
JERICHO WINS!
Jericho scores the win in 8:00
Finally they do something right for the storylines.
Jericho is the new U.S. Champ.
BFF’s hold their titles high.
Raw ends.
