THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 30, 2017
LAREDO ENERGY ARENA – LAREDO, TX
The Rumble has concluded and now we’re on the road to WrestleMania. Some interesting winners last night and some interesting angles starting to shape up for the showcase of the immortals. An underwhelming Rumble match by my estimation, at least underwhelming when it came to the so called mystery spots. If they weren’t trying to turn Roman Reigns heel last night then I don’t know what they were doing. Anyway, here’s Raw.
– KEVIN OWENS / JERICHO / STROWMAN / FOLEY –
They remind everyone that they’re still both champions. Owens thanks Jericho for helping him win last night. I’m thinking Braun Strowman won’t like that.
Jericho talks about lasting 1 hour and 1 minutes last night. Jericho also talks about having the record for cumilative time in the Rumble, lasting almost 5 hours total.
Braun Strowman interrupts. He says he helped KO last night because Owens promised him a Universal Title match if Owens retained. Kevin doesn’t remember such a conversation, but Strowman reminds him with video. Owens calls the video “photoshopped”. hah
Strowman demands a Title match TONIGHT or says he will break KO in half right now.
To the Holy Foley. Mick’s rocking a green plaid suit. Foley now sees why Strowman did what he did last night. Owens talks about his match of hell last night and thinks he should have the night off tonight.
Foley disagrees, he books Owens vs. Strowman for the title, tonight.
This crowd is already concerning me. They’re there but they’re not really making much noise. That could be bad as the hours go on.
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– UNITED STATES CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO VS. SAMI ZAYN –
This is non-title. Jericho with some basic wrestling to get things going. Zayn ends up on the apron and Jericho hits a springboard dropkick from the middle rope to send Sami to the floor. Jericho whips Zayn into the barricade but Sami jumps onto it and lands a Moonsault press off the barricade onto Jericho as Raw takes a commercial break.
Raw rolls on. Jericho hits an enzuigiri for a 2 count. Sami climbs to the top rope but Jericho meets him up there and it’s Jericho with a top rope huracan rana that gets a near fall. Zayn battles back with a Blue Thunder Bomb for 2. Jericho escapes a Heluva Kick and the diving Tornado DDT on the floor. Chris tries to hook the Walls but Sami counters out and hits a top rope Tornado DDT. Zayn sets up for the Helluva but Jericho moves and hooks him into the WALLS OF JERICHO. Sami teases tapping but reaches the ropes!
Sami with the Exploder to Jericho in the corner, and HELLUVA KICK ENDS IT in 12:00!
Winner is Zayn
This was fine for TV. They did some good stuff, it never got boring, but they left a lot out for the title match. Makes sense.
Crowd pops but they’re still not what you’d expect coming off the Rumble.
Zayn wins and earns himself a title shot.
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* To the Huggers. Sheamus and Cesaro are arguing about last night. They lost the titles, Cesaro tried to swing Sheamus, Sheamus tried to eliminate Cesaro. They argue until Bayley separates them and forces a group hug before their 6-person match tonight.
Charlotte, Gallows and Anderson interrupt them and call them the losers. Gallows calls them nerrrrds. Looks like it’s 6-person lazy booking tonight.
* We are shown a long video of the Seth Rollins / Stephanie McMahon / Triple H shit that’s been going on.
* To the Bitch Steph. But tonight Bitch Steph is wearing a see through stocking like top and her cleavage is more Glorious than Bobby Roode. See what I did there? Kevin Owens asks Hot Slut Whote Steph to cancel the match with Braun Strowman but Slutty Hot Cleavage Steph allows Foley’s decision to stand.
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– MUSTAFA ALI VS. TONY NESE –
Cruiserweight time. Austin Aries joins commentary. Nese is his usual technically sounds self. Ali takes some good looking flippy bumps and hits some unique moves including the rolling neckbreaker and somesault spin kick. Ali goes up top for his inward 450 splash, but Nese yanks Ali off and onto the back of his head. Tony ends it with a running Neese (knee) in the corner.
Winner is Tony Nese
Austin Aries interviews Nese on the stage and makes fun of him having no personality. Nese doesn’t care and walks away. Aries makes fun of him some more. They’re both heels so I don’t get this. Was this a Vince McMahon thing?
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– SETH ROLLINS & STEPHANIE MCMAHON SEGMENT –
Rollins heads to the ring first. Seth is sorry Steph didn’t come out first to call him out but shit don’t always work out the way you want. He tells Steph to get out to the ring.
Here comes Hooters McGavin (Bitch Steph for those who aren’t following me). She hates to disappoint Seth. Rollins says like she disappoints Triple H every night. I don’t know, those breasticles would please me just fine.
Rollins learns that Triple H isn’t here so he has no interest in Bitch Steph. He asks when she will let the man of 3 H’s off his leash. Steph says Triple H is afraid, afraid of the dark side coming out in him. She says she asked her husband to stay away. Steph talks about Rollins missing last year’s WrestleMania, not having gold in a long time, and missing the Rumble last night. She says Seth owes an apology to herself and Trips.
Rollins is sorry… that Triple H is gutless and his legacy will go up in smoke for running away. Seth says Trips is scared because Rollins is the greatest threat to his legacy. He hints that Stephanie looks at him sexually. Steph says it’s disgust.
Steph calls Trips the creator and destroyer. Seth is just an Arhcitect, of his own demise.
Rollins says he has nothing left to lose. If she thought NXT was bad, wait to see what he does at WWE Headquarters, or their house. Seth mentions their kids. Stephs face goes all crooked. She gets pissy and informs Steph that she lied.
TRIPLE H IS COMING TONIGHT, and HE’S COMING FOR ROLLINS!
This crowd is pathetic. Hardly a pop for anything.
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– SHEAMUS / CESARO / BAYLEY VS. GALLOWS / ANDERSON / CHARLOTTE –
Cesaro is digging the inflatable rube men. Sheamus is not. Gallows & Anderson won the tag titles last night, while Charlotte successfully defended against Bayley. The ladies start things here. Not much to speak of before Cesaro and Gallows tag in. Cesaro is soon sent to the floor and Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Anderson spimebuster to Cesaro, but Cesaro soon sends him to the floor. Hot tag to Sheamus. Sheamus and Gallows now in. Sheamus with the spin kick in the corner and a top rope clothesline for 2 count. Sheamus starts hammering on Gallows when Charlotte attacks Sheamus from behind. To little effect.
Cesaro assists Sheamus with White Noise. The tag teams head to the floor as the ladies tag in. Bayley jumps off Cesaro’s back with a flying clothesline on Charlotte. Cesaro sprinboard body press to the floor on Gallows and Anderson. Bayley to Belly on Charlotte. It’s over. Bayley pins Charlotte in 7:30.
Winners are Team Huggies
The fans continue to sit on their hands.
* To the Breasts. Stephanie and Mick Foley argue. Steph isn’t happy with Foley for booking Strowman vs. Owens without her permission. She uses the term BRAIN FART. That may be a WWE first. Foley isn’t happy about Triple H’s music playing last week during Rollins/Zayn and Trips not showing. Foley hopes that doesn’t happen again tonight during Owens/Strowman.
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– NEVILLE / RICH SWANN SEGMENT –
Seven people clap. Neville is now the King of the Cruiserweight and 205 Live belongs to him. Neville did more than win the title, he proved all the fans wrong.
Rich Swann joins in. Swanny ain’t here to fight, he’ll wait for his rematch. Swann tells Neville that the fans aren’t out to get him, it’s all in Neville’s head. Swann gives credit Neville is one of the very best and he proved that last night. Swann respects Neville and extends his hand for a shake.
Neville doesn’t want a handshake, you don’t shake the hand of a King. You bow to your King. Swann refuses and turns away. Neville says you don’t turn your back on the King. Neville attacks but it’s Neville who gets the upper hand. Swann with the big roundhouse kick to the head. Neville rolls outside but Swann dives out onto him. Neville escapes. Swann stands in the ring.
This crowd is the worst shit ever. You can literally hear like a half dozen people reacting to shit. I predict Raw will never return to Laredo.
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* 62 Days Until WrestleMania. 9 Weeks to get shit right.
* To the BOSS. Vince buried Sasha Banks last night, letting fat shit barrel fuck Nia Jax beat her. Sasha reinjured her leg last night and is getting bandaged up for a rematch tonight on Raw. Bayley tries to talk Sasha into waiting for a rematch until Banks is healed. Sasha says unlike “some people” Banks is not okay with coming up short. Oh, snap. Oh no she di-n’t. SLAMMER! Sasha walks off like a bitch. Bayley feels salty.
* Goldberg eliminated Brock like a bitch last night. Good booking. I’m being serious.
* To the Jeri-KO. Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho have a chat. Jericho tells Owens no matter what happens tonight they still have the US Title. Owens doesn’t respond to that. Owens wants Jericho’s help tonight. Jericho says Owens wasn’t out there when Zayn beat him earlier. Owens makes excuses. He cons Jericho into helping him tonight to beat Braun “as a team”.
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– UNIVERSAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
Chris Jericho accompanies his BFF onto the stage. Jericho takes a seat on commentary. Strowman comes out and RUNNING BOOT TO JERICHO IN THE ANNOUNCE CHAIR! And CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE. Jericho is O-U-T.
Owens looks scared shitless. Strowman bull dozes over Owens and then smashes him into the corner. Owens rolls outside and Strowman mauls Owens into the barricade. Back to the ring and Owens manages to get in some offense, sending Strowman to the floor and hitting the bowling ball senton into the barricade. Back inside, Owens with a somersault legdrop, and a big Frog Splash gets 2. Owens goes back to the top rope and dives into a STROWMAN POWERSLAM. He goes for the cover..
Roman Reigns music hits!
Here comes Reigns. He attacks Strowman. DQ on Owens in 5:00.
Winner on a DQ is Strowman
Two superman punches and Strowman goes to the floor. Reigns with a SPEAR OFF THE STAIRS on the floor. Strowman goes down.
Reigns walks off but Strowman gets up pretty quickly.
* To the parking lot. A car pulls up. The announcers think its Triple H, but it’s Brrrrrock Lesnar.
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– BROCK LESNAR AND PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT –
To the ring with Heyman says it’s time to realize that every legend, every man has that one opponent that they can’t beat. Andre was undefeated for 15 years until Hogan. Rousey kicked everyone’s ass until Holmes. The undefeated streak of the Undertaker fell to Lesnar at WrestleMania. Kurt Angle won the gold medal but he lost to Brock Lesnar. Heyman’s kids and the fans say Goldberg beats Brock Lesnar every time.
Heyman says every time he says Brock Lesnar now that people say, yeah but GOLDBERG. Heyman hates “yeah, but”. It takes away all of Brock’s accomplishments. Brock Lesnar will end the “yeah, but” when he meets Goldberg at…… WRESTLEMANIA.
Heyman issues the challenge to Goldberg to face Brock at Mania. Odds would say Goldberg will win, yeah, but this is Brrrrock Lesnar.
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– SASHA BANKS VS. NIA JAX –
Sasha just walks out. They don’t even let her have her entrance anymore. It’s like Zack Ryder or Ryback sabotage again. Fat Jax rocking the shiny black again. She looks like the blob. Nia tries a Samoan drop right away but fails. Jax goes shoulder first into the post and heads to the floor. Sasha tries a baseball slide but Jax catches her and locks her in a full nelson on the floor. While in the full nelson, Jax whips Banks bad knee into the ring post twice like a rag doll.
Banks can’t even stand. Jax sits her fat ass on Banks and ties her up in a submission. The bell randomly rings and NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. Everyone from Jax to the referee look dumbfounded. Deer in headlights. Banks never tapped. The bell just randomly fucking rang. Vince really does hate Sasha. Holy fuck wow.
Nia puts the submission back on after the bell. Nobody announces a decision but I assume Jax got the win in a couple of minutes by stoppage. Even though the referee never stopped it.
Bayley comes out to check on Sasha. Nia leaves smiling. Bayley looks like shje’s going to cry as she checks on Banks.
This segment was fucking ridiculous. From how weak they made Sasha look to the bullshit finish that was clearly an audible from Vince in the back to make Nia look even sweeter and Sasha even shittier.
Fuck this garbage. I bet Nia Jax’s khunt looks like Olive Loaf. Hashtag that.
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* To the Banks. A medical trainer and Bayley help Sasha Banks into the training room.
– ENZO & BIG CASS VS. RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL –
This is billed as a Tornado Tag Team match, which means all four men are legal at all times. Lana is rocking the tight leather she wore last night at Rumble. Rusev is also rocking his nose guard from last night. Enzo and Cass rip on Jinder’s.. veins, and Rusev’s mask. They make a lot of Wizard of Oz references. This wasn’t their best work.
I hope this match ends this shit once and for all. I can’t stress that enough. The brawl starts right away, they take it to the floor and Raw goes to commercial like a minute into the match, if that.
Raw rolls on with Enzo on the floor and the heels double teaming Cass. Enzo comes back in with a dive on Mahal. Enzo with another dive out onto Mahal and Rusev but they catch Enzo and send him into the barricade. Heels double team Cass again and leave him laying on the floor. Now they take apart Enzo in the ring.
Cass fights his way back into the ring. Cass starts hitting hit stuff, corner splashes to both. Empire Elbow on Rusev, Mahal stops the count. Enzo trips up Jinder and sends him into the steps outside.
Enzo drops Rusev throat first across the top rope, Big Boot by Cass, Rocket Launcher and Enzo gets the revenge win after 8:00.
Winners are Enzo & Cass
This was pretty bad. I hope this is over for good. I can’t believe Rusev jobbed.
* Triple H has arrived. It only took 3 hours to get there.
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– TRIPLE H / SETH ROLLINS SEGMENT –
Triple H mocks Seth Rollins career and how Seth spit in his face because he lost the WWE Title and was injured like a bitch. Triple H says Seth returned thinking nothing had changed, but things did change. Rollins was a failure and didn’t take responsibility. Triple H demands an apology. Trips gave Seth the world and Seth spit in his face.
It’s hard for Triple H to put the “destroyer” in him aside and becomes a “creator” in a suit and tie. It’s hard. Especially when someone like Rollins invades NXT. So Trips is done trying to step away. He removes his suit and tie.
H says Seth doesn’t have to come to his house because Trips is standing right here, right now. He calls Rollins out to meet his destroyer right now.
Rollins heads down to the ring, he gets to ringside when he’s blindsided…..
BY SAMOA JOE!!!
Joe attacks Rollins on the floor and leaves him laying. Triple H comes out and stands over Seth. Triple H walks off while Samoa Joe takes Seth into the ring. Triple Senton bombs from Joe. COQUINA CLUTCH. Crowd is chanting for Joe. hehe
Joe leaves Rollins out cold. Fans continue to chant for Joe. Raw ends.
No Emmalina this week. I guess she finally stopped coming. 😉
