THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 23, 2017
QUICKEN LOANS ARENA – CLEVELAND, OH
Here we go, it’s the Raw brand “go home” show for the Royal Rumble and both Brock Lesnar and Goldberg are in the building tonight. It’s the final build to Charlotte vs. Bayley and Reigns vs. Owens, possibly even Swann vs. Neville. All of that and there’s still 11 open spots remaining in the Rumble match. Let’s hope creative pulls something good out of their ass and give us something good leading in to the Rumble this Sunday night.
* To Team BFF. We get a video highlighting Jeri-KO and their recent fights with Roman Reigns. Jericho has taken the U.S. Title and Owens has powerbombed Reigns through the announce table on the stage. The Cleveland crowd sounds happy about that.
What they’re not happy about is…….
– ROMAN REIGNS / OWENS / JERICHO SEGMENT –
The crowd jeers as Reigns makes his way to the ring. The Shark Cage is standing in the middle of the ring. Reigns talks about Jericho being in the shark cage at the Rumble and says that means he will be the new Universal Champion.
To the Jeri-KO. Pretty loud Y2J chant. Owens tells Reigns that he had the powerbomb through the table coming for years. Reigns needed help powerbombing people through tables, Owens put Roman through a table by himself.
Reigns responds and it reminds me of how terrible his promos are. Jericho asks Reigns if he’s “Notradamus”, yes that’s how he said it. Reigns is a stupid idiot and makes fun of Reigns for losing the U.S. Title to him. Jericho says he should fight Reigns tonight. Reigns calls it a title rematch. Jericho didn’t say that. But Owens agrees to the match for Jericho. Chris doesn’t seem too happy about that. I guess the match is on. Reigns says he’s THE guy.
Underwhelming opening segment. It’s like anyone who is feuding with each other is only plugged into segments with the guy they are feuding with. It makes me feel like I’m watching the same fucking show every week. Think outside the box assholes. More writers than ever and the writing just gets lazier.
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– CESARO VS. LUKE GALLOWS –
Sheamus accompanies Cesaro. Anderson is with Gallows. For those that don’t remember, Gallows and Anderson won the tag titles last week only to see the Dusty finish come into play and the title returned to Cesaro and Sheamus. The fucking return match is on the fucking Rumble PRESHOW. There will be two referees. I guess they couldn’t fit it on the fucking four hour PPV. So Raw now has four matches and 2/3 of the Rumble slots. How disrespectful to put that on the preshow-ski. Nerds
Cesaro hits a corkscrew uppercut early but it’s Gallows who takes over. Cesaro fights back with uppercuts but Anderson distracts and Gallows hits Cesaro with a big boot. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. During the break Karl Anderson was chased backstage by Sheamus after interfering. Sheamus still at ringside. Cesaro with a dead lift vertical suplex on Gallows. Impressive. Cesaro boots Gallows outside and Sheamus lays Gallows out with a clothesline much like what Anderson did to Cesaro earlier. In the ring Cesaro locks in the Sharpshooter. Anderson comes flying back down the ramp and lays Sheamus out with his flying kick. Anderson on the apron causes Cesaro to release the Shooter. Gallows drops Cesaro with a shitty flapjack for the win in about 9:00.
Winner is Gallows-ski
* To the Foley. He’s talking to Bitch Steph on speaker phone. Bitch Steph isn’t showing up for the go home show? She really is a bitch! Anyway, Sami Zayn interrupts and wants to be in the Rumble. Took you long enough. Foley is about to give Zayn the spot when Bitch Steph informs Sami that in order to get a Rumble spot that he has to beat Seth Rollins tonight. Zayn acts as if he has to fight Andre the Giant in his prime or Hulk Hogan circa late 80’s. Zayn walks away. Steph asks Foley to pick up the phone to privately give him another job. It involves Seth Rollins but it isn’t divulged what she says to Mick.
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* To the sit down interview. Corey Graves sits down with Bayley. Seriously? This is your hard sell for the Charlotte vs. Bayley match? Bayley sitting down talking about her life as a WWE fan. Bayley’s mannerisms are all over the place too. Like she doesn’t know what emotion to have, then she awkwardly smiles at the end.
* To the Rollins. Mick Foley has come to give Rollins the news from Bitch Steph. Rollins vs. Zayn is next. If Sami wins he’s in. It also means Rollins is out. Zayn will get Seth’s spot. Shitty. Like there’s not room for both guys. Stupid to keep either one of these guys out. I assume this is a way to begin the HHH/Rollins stuff.
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. SAMI ZAYN –
This is a stipulation. There’s no reason both of these guys can’t be in the Rumble match. What a shit load of fuck. So these guys are fighting over a Rumble spot. I can’t wait to see what jobbers get spots instead. Cole puts over the fans for their energy. This one gets a scientific feeling out process early on. Both men try quick pin falls but no luck. Zayn is finally sent to the floor and Rollins lands a suicide dive which takes Raw into a break.
Raw rolls on. Sami sends Rollins to the apron but gets kicked. Rollins springboards in but can’t hit the knee. Sami hits the Blue Thunderbomb for a 2 count. Sami fights back out of the corner and hits a crossbody for a close 2 count. Sami with a Michinoku Driver for another 2 count. Rollins comes back with the top Blockbuster for a close 2 count. Rollins catches Zayn with a superkick on his knees for an awesome near fall. Rollins with a Falcon Arrow for another 2. Stiff shots are traded but Rollins pulls out the Slingblade. Sami fights back with a Tornado DDT off the top and sets up for the Heullva Kick. Zayn misses in the corner.
Rollins tries for the Pedigree but Sami backdrops him to the floor. Zayn goes up top but Rollins meets him and tries a Pedigree off the top. Zayn turns it into a super sunset flip bomb for a near fall. Crowd enjoying this one. Rollins counters back with an enzuiguri. Sami with the Exploder Suplex into the corner. Sami readies for a Helluva Kick on the apron. Rollins kicks him and nails a Pedigree on the apron!
Rollins looks to put Sami away when Triple H’s music hits. Rollins waits for Triple H to appear, forgetting about Sami. He turns back around and Sami cradles him for the win in 15:00.
Winner is Zayn
Rollins is pissed after the match and so are all the fans. So if this stands it fucks the fans out of seeing Rollins in the Rumble. It fucks Rollins out of a good showing at the Rumble. It fucks Zayn because he needed a distraction to win. It screws Zayn again because now he’s the asshole who cost Rollins his spot. This helped nobody and made the Rumble match much shittier.
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* To the pissed off Rollins. He’s pissed and looking for Triple H. He runs into Foley who knew nothing about it. Mick promised to get to the bottom of it. Michael Cole stresses that Rollins will NOT be in the match.
– MUSTAFA ALI, TJ PERKINS, JACK GALLAGHER VS. TONY NESE, DREW GULAK, ARIYA DAIVARI –
Austin Aries joins for commentary. Gallagher dazzlers early. Perkins blind tags in with a springboard body block. Unique submissions and pins by Perkins. Gulak lays Perkins out with a hard strike. The heels do some work on TJ. Nese ends up missing a springboard moonsault. Gulak and Ali tag in. Ali unloads with offense. Ali nails a neckbreaker and Daivari breaks the pin. All six men get involved. Ali ends up hitting the inverted 450 on Gulak for the win.
Winners are Ali, Perkins and Gallagher
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– NEW DAY / ENZO & CASS / RUSEV & MAHAL / TITUS SEGMENT –
New Day out first. Rumble is coming. Enzo and Cass interrupt for some reason. Then Rusev and Jinder interrupts them. Rusev with more of his comedy. Titus O’Neil joins in. Everyone shits on poor Titus. O’Neil announces an 8 man tag even though there are only 3 heels. They tease Lana as a fourth before Braun Strowman is announced.
Shitty quick segment.
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– NEW DAY / ENZO & CASS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN / RUSEV & MAHAL / TITUS O’NEIL –
We’ll call this the final build for Strowman because that’s all this is. New Day do some work first. Nothing to note. Cass gewts a hot tag and does his move set on Mahal. Rocket Launcher from Enzo on Mahal. Titus breaks it up. Now everyone starts doing spots. Cass big boots Rusev to the floor. Kofi dives out onto everyone but Braun, Enzo and Mahal. Enzo enzuigiri on Jinder. Braun tags in. Poor Enzo. Vince obviously hates Enzo. Braun murders Enzo like a jobber. Enzo tries a flying DDT but Braun turns it into the powerslam and that ends it.
Winners are Strowman and company
How the fuck do you bury someone as over as Enzo and Cass were?
WELLLLLLLLLLLLLL IT’S THE BIG SHOW.
Show joined the Rumble earlier today.
Big Show in the ring and he looks serious. They slowly step towards each other. Strowman finally steps past Show and leaves the ring.
The announcers hype the PPV when New Day and Big Show interrupts. It seems unplanned. LOL.
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Heading into the final segment of hour 2 and there hasn’t been anything worth a shit on this entire show. Big Show coming out was cool but the Rollins bullshit negates that and then some. Triple H screwing other people over to build for his return.
– U.S. CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO VS. ROMAN REIGNS –
Title rematch for Reigns. Owens is with Jericho. Reigns takes over first and sends Jericho outside. Reigns flings Jericho into the barrier. Reigns nails a Drive By and Owens talks trash to Reigns as we go to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Jericho now has control. Owens joins commentary during the break. Reigns finally makes a comeback and tosses Jericho to the apron. Jericho goes to the top and Reigns decks him. Jericho sends Reigns to the mat and comes off the top but gets caught with a right hand. Reigns keeps control but runs into a boot in the corner. Reigns blocks the bulldog. Jericho counters a Samoan Drop. Jericho mounts Reigns with right hands now. The referee warns him. Jericho stands tall but gets caught in a Samoan Drop for a 2 count. Reigns goes for a Superman Punch but Jericho dropkicks him for a 2 count. Reigns blocks a Codebreaker.
Reigns with a sit out powerbomb on Jericho for a near fall. Owens gets pissed off and heads back to ringside. Jericho starts to come back and set up for something but runs into a Superman Punch. Kevin Owens attacks Reigns to cause the DQ.
Winner by DQ is Reigns
The heels stomp down Reigns and call for the shark cage to be lowered. They put Reigns in the cage. Reigns fights his way out and rams both their faces into the cage. Reigns puts Owens in the cage and locks him in. Reigns has the cage raised. As Owens is going up Jericho hangs onto the cage and is hanging in the air, Reigns Superman Punches Jericho in mid air. LMAO. Now that was fun.
Owens has to watch from above as Reigns spears Jericho.
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* To the BFF’s. Still in the ring Jericho finally gets Owens out of the shark cage. Charly Caruso interrupts the duo to announce that not only will Jericho be in the shark cage at the Rumble, but the match will now be No DQ. Somebody must have realized this shit was going to suck.
* Corey Graves sits down with Charlotte now. What a shitty lead in to their first big match. This is better suited for a more storied feud.
* Nia Jax waddles backstage.
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Well, Raws been shitty so far and we’re guaranteed another shit segment with Nia Jax in the ring.
– NIA JAX VS. RAY LYN –
Nia splashes her into the corner. Jax busts out the fucking BANZAI DROP. And it’s over in short fashion.
Winner is Jax
Charly Caruso tries to interview a BLOWN UP Nia post match but Jax sends her away. She’s blown up from one fucking move. Jax dedicates her victory to Sasha Banks. Jax gets the WHAT treatment. Her promo is clearly scripted. Nobody is listening to her and they’re WHAT-ing her in the middle of sentences hehehe.
Sasha Banks makers her way out on a crutch. She swings the crutch at Jax’s ankle and beats on Nia with the ctuch. Jax NO SELLS THE FUCKING CRUTCH. Female Braun Strowman. Jax takes a slow motion bump out of the ring. Just fucking terrible. Sasha off the apron with the double knees. Isn’t her knee hurt? Banks leaves walking fine.
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* Emmalina is coming. This shit has gone on so long I’m done coming up with witty things to say.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. NOAM DAR –
Austin Aries back on commentary. Alicia Fox is with Dar. I swear Fox must be the greatest sex on Earth to still have a job. Swann gets control and sends Dar outside. Swann tries a dive but Dar hides behind Fox. Rich instead delivers a kick off the apron. Fox argues with Swann and Dar catches Swann with a kick as he’s coming back in the ring. Raw to commercial. Wow they gave this match a commercial, they really are out of shit.
Raw rolls on. Swann double stomp to the spine of Dar. Nails his spin kick and lays Dar out in 5:00. About 90 seconds of this match was shown with a commercial break in between.
Winner is Swanny
Swann calls out Neville with new music. Neville climbs half way into the ring and then backs off. BUT SWANN SUICIDE DIVE right outside onto Neville. Swann lays into Neville and Neville runs off. You can’t handle this.
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* To the Cedric Alexander. Alicia Fox and Noam Dar interrupt. Noam wants no hard feelings for stealing Fox. Cedric says no hard feelings about Fox, he’s happy she’s gone. But Cedric is still mad about Dar attacking him last week. Cedric knocks Noam on his ass. Fox says Dar almost cried. This was so bad it was funny.
* Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax is added to the PRESHOW. What the fuck? What are they putting on the four hours and why does Raw get like 900 matches on the PPV? Smackdown has ONE match, Raw has FIVE.
– GOLDBERG SEGMENT –
It’s Goldberg to the ring. Goldberg has a cut on his head, must’ve went old school and headbutted the door on the way to the ring. I wonder if they’ll stop the promo to cover the blood. Goldberg completely fucks up his lines TWICE. He admits to it and laughs it off. He blames the fans chants. Goldberg was never the best promo guy but hopefully he makes it through this and gets the point across. He’about to tell the 29 guys they are next when he’s interrupted by
To that Paul Heyman guy. Heyman talks from the stage about all the different wrestlers Goldberg could end up fighting in the Rumble match. He leaves Brock’s name for last. AND HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!
It’s Brrrrrrock Lesnar. Brock has a Cavaliers Suplex City shirt. That’s pretty pimp. They remain on the stage. Goldberg doesn’t look impressed and cuts Heyman off. Her asks Lesnar if he will come to the ring or be a dumb ass. LMAO!!!!!
Lesnar comes storming down and circles the ring. The two men lock eyes. THE LIGHTS GO OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
They come back on and UNDERTAKER IS IN THE FUCKING RING WITH THEM.
They have a triple stare down.
Show ends.
That’s it?
The ending was pretty good but it felt like more was coming. Almost 3 hours of shit and 2 minutes of good stuff at the end. I shouldn’t say that Zayn vs. Rollins was good. Everything else was skunk. See you at the Rumble.
