THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 2, 2017
AMALIE ARENA – TAMPA, FL
Happy New Year Everyone! Bobby Mayo kicking things off the right way. I hope anyway. Let’s see what Vince does to teach Smackdown a lesson for beating Raw in the ratings. I shudder to think.
– MICK FOLEY / OWENS & JERICHO / STEPH SEGMENT –
Mick Foley arrives to the ring first. He’s now sporting a homeless man’s haircut and has shaved his beard down to just a goatee. Foley has 2 New Year’s Resolutions. One, he will start writing the name of the city he’s in on his hand after screwing up a week or two back. Second, something about Jericho in the Shark Cage. The Shark Cage is sitting on the stage. I’m having Robocop flashbacks.
To the BFF’s. Jericho and Owens make their way to the ring. Jericho doesn’t want to be hanged like a ‘sexy pinata’. Foley holds his ground. Foley gives Kevin Owens his own talk show. The Kevin Owens show. It will be tonight and the first guest will be Goldberg.
To the Bitch Steph. Now Stephanie is here too. She books Jericho vs. Reigns for the U.S. Title tonight. Didn’t they just do that? Reigns will lose the title even on a DQ or count out. Jericho wants Seth Rollins banned from ringside tonight.
Foley completely fucks up his lines and wants to ban Jericho from ringside. HE’S IN THE MATCH YOU FUCKTARD! Foley meant Owens.
Stephanie tries to recover. She books Owens vs. Rollins tonight and the loser will be banned from the U.S. Title match. Stephanie brings up Raw losing to Smackdown in the ratings. I knew that was coming. Steph is determined to get the ratings back.
If that’s a precursor to this episode we’re in big fuckin’ trouble.
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. KEVIN OWENS –
The loser here is banned from ringside during the U.S. Title match with Reigns and Jericho later tonight. The Universal Title is not on the line here. Owens sent to the floor immediately and Rollins dives out onto him. KO takes over and sends Seth into the barricade. KO dominates the next few minutes keeping Rollins grounded. Seth finally fires back with the Blockbuster and Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Apparently Owens regained control with a DDT during the break. Senton gets 2 on Seth. Rollins is back dropped out to the floor. Owens tries the Cannonball against the barricade but Rollins moves out of harm’s way. Kicks are traded in the ring. Seth leaps over a pop up powerbomb and connects with an enzuigiri after landing. Owens gets driven into the buckle. Seth follows up with the Slingblade. KO blocks a pedigree but gets sent to the floor. Rollins suicide dive on KO.
They fight their way over to the time keeper area. Owens clocks Rollins with the ring bell and gets disqualified after 11:15.
Winner is Seth Rollins
Owens knows he fucked up, he is now banned from ringside later tonight. KO seemed upset but not over the top.
A couple of good spots in the match but this was meant to further the angles rather than be a quality match. The guys did fine but this was not ‘must see’ in the slightest.
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– CESARO VS. KARL ANDERSON –
We’re moving right into this. I guess Goldust doesn’t get any revenge.
Sheamus is joining commentary for this match. Luke Gallows has accompanied Anderson to ringside. Anderson with a monkey flip but Cesaro lands on his feet. A fucking loud uppercut floors Anderson. Cesaro with a hanging dead weight gutwrench suplex for 2. Gallows gets the attention of Cesaro and Anderson levels Cesaro with a flying kick to the face knocking him off the apron to the floor. Raw takes a break.
Raw rolls on. Cesaro breaks a chinlock with a fucking hanging dead weight vertical suplex. Holy fuck. That was insane. Cesaro misses an uppercut in the corner, Anderson with a jumping boot for 2. Cesaro with a double jump reverse cross body. Fucking thing of beauty. Gallows distracts to stop the Swing. This brings Sheamus to ringside. Anderson with a spinebuster on Cesaro gets 2. Now we have Gallows and Sheamus both at ringside. Cesaro launches with the springboard uppercut for another near fall.
Anderson blocks the Sharpshooter by grabbing the ropes. Anderson connects with a running knee to the head. Karl gets dropkicked while sitting on the top rope. Uppercut by Cesaro sends Karl to the mat for 2. Cesaro hooks An derson for a Superplex, Gallows gets on the apron. Sheamus pulls Gallows off which causes the ropes to shake and Cesaro to get crotched. Anderson launches off the top with a flying neckbreaker to end the match after 9:50.
Winner is Karl Anderson
The announcers make sure to mention that Sheamus may have been the one to unintentionally cost Cesaro the match.
* Braun Strowman vs. Sami Zayn feud Video. After reading these Royal Rumble and WrestleMania rumors this past week I’m starting to get scared with this Strowman push. Even though he sucks it’s been harmless for the most part so far. But now with Rumble and Mania season here I’m not sure I’m going to like where this shit goes over the next couple of months.
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Well, I see they’ve altered shit quite a bit this week after those ratings came in. Most weeks there’s anywhere from 3 to 10 minutes of wrestling in the first hour of Raw. This week there’s already been 21 minutes. Smackdown stopped doing the 3 minute matches and won the ratings last week so if I know Vince I’d bet Smackdown are back to 3 minute matches this week. Smackdown beat Raw? We can’t have that!
* To the Goldberg Video. A video recap of Goldberg’s return, his defeat of Lesnar, and his Rumble announcement. Four weeks out and only two people seem interested in being in the Rumble match.
– LAST MAN STANDING: SAMI ZAYN VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
Zayn is sporting a black eye which they claim to be from last week. I have no idea but I wouldn’t doubt it. Strowman can be very reckless and careless. Strowman chases Zayn outside of the ring and Braun runs right into a KENDO STICK TO THE FUCKING FACE! FUCK YEAH! Strowman takes some cane shots but then flings Zayn across the ring. Sami grabs another kendo stick and goes to work on Braun.
Zayn with a moonsault off the barricade but Strowman catches him and hits Snake Eyes on the barricade to Zayn. Sami is up by the count of 5. Strowman has cane welts everywhere. Zayn sends Braun into the post three times. Zayn tries the diving tornado DDT through the ropes, but Braun punches him right in the face. Fucking ouch. Zayn is up at 6.
Braun begins with the stiff body attack in the corner and forearms. Somebody fucks up a shitty shoulder tackle spot. Zayn rolls to the floor to get to his feet at 7. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on and Braun throws Zayn off the entrance ramp. They’re at the announcer’s stage and now they head into the backstage area. Zayn with a STEAL PIPE to the head of Strowman. Strowman sells shit but then no sells it 5 seconds later. Braun almost kills Zayn after throwing a giant speaker case at him just barely missing.
Zayn takes a chair to Strowman. Fuck this shit. Zayn’s only offense is with weapons, Strowman won’t even drop to a knee. This is fucking stupid. They head back to the stage. Strowman beats on Zayn, Sami retaliates with the steel chair. Zayn boots the chair into Strowman. Zayn with a running cross body and both guys fall off the stage through a table. They’re both back up by 5. Way to sell that shit Strowman.
Strowman starts no selling chair shots and begins manhandling Zayn back to the ring. Running powerslam on the floor. Zayn makes it up before 10. Braun pummels the shit out of Zayn some more. Strowman with another powerslam on the floor. Fuck this shitty booking. This time Zayn is down for the 10 count. Match goes 16:00.
Winner is Strowman
Mick Foley and EMT’s are out to place Zayn on a stretcher. Strowman rushes at Zayn and knocks over the stretcher. Let’s add more bullshit to the already bullshit match.
Sami jobs AGAIN. What is the point of that? This helps him how? Oh yeah, they’re only interested in getting Braun over. Because he’s big and all.
The crowd seemed to like portions of the match mainly because of all the weapons being used. Strowman sold some cane shots and chair shots as they were happening but then he’d just no sell after a few seconds like it never happened. Zayn wasn’t allowed any WRESTLING offense in this match. How dare Zayn hold his own as a wrestler with the great Braun Strowman. Strowman was up at FUCKING FIVE after getting body blocked off the stage through a table and then he no sold everything after that and just killed Zayn.
I’m not going to say the match sucked because it was OK as a match. I will say the structure of the match fucking sucked and sucking fucked. Then because Zayn wasn’t dead enough they had Strowman kill him some more to give Braun even more heat. Six months ago Zayn is having show stealing matches with Owens, for months now he’s been used as a fucking tackling dummy for this asshole Strowman. I don’t even like Zayn as a personality but I know he can wrestle. I hope he gets some kind of compensation as a token of appreciation for playing bitch to Strowman every week. It’s like Zack Ryder and Kane all over again.
* To the Extraordinary Gentleman. Jack Gallagher is backstage teaching New Day how to use an umbrella as a weapon.
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– NEW DAY MEETS THE TITUS BRAND –
New Day have all entered the Royal Rumble. That makes 5 out of 30. Apparently they have no aspirations of regaining those tag titles. I can live with that. So we’re less than 4 weeks out, 5 names confirmed for the Rumble match and all of them from Raw.
* To the Titus Brand. Titus O’Neil interrupts and that officially means this segment will not be good nor funny. Titus wants to join New Day. He dances. He plays the whistle. New Day knows Titus blows.
Titus wants to be on the box of Booty O’s, but Woods says people wish Titus was on a milk carton. O’Neil calls Woods the weak link of New Day. Woods challenges Titus to a match. O’Neil shoves him down. The match is on.
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– XAVIER WOODS VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
We’ll call this the….. ‘We have nothing for New Day right now so let’s kill some time and make an ass out of Titus in the process’ portion of the show. Woods lands the roaring elbow early but then runs right into a Titus Brand Boot. Titus slams Woods and toys with him. Titus has killed the crowd. Woods fights back with some kicks and O’Neil falls to the floor. Woods clears the top rope with a somersault dive onto Titus. O’Neil catches a high cross body back in the ring and hits a backbreaker and flings Xavier across the ring. Woods counters Titus into a sunset flip and he wins the match in under 4:00. The crowd has no reaction.
Winner is Woodsy
Titus killed the fucking crowd dead.
* To the Bitch Steph. She’s in the back shitting on Bayley. She tells Bayley she didn’t want to draft her, Foley did. Stephanie says all the attributes Charlotte has while Bayley is ordinary like the fans. Bayley says she belongs here and nothing will stop her from achieving her dreams. Steph books a #1 contender match tonight between Bayley and Nia Jax. The winner meets Charlotte at the Rumble. I guess Bayley didn’t have money for an attorney to overturn last week’s decision.
* To Foxy Alexander. It’s Cedric and Alicia Fox walking the halls. They run into Noam Dar who wants to apologize to Cedric. Cedric says Dar needs to apologize to Fox. He apologizes then calls Fox ‘sweet cheeks’ and runs away. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? SECOND GRADE? And Dar’s accent may be the most irritating fucking voice I’ve ever heard.
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– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. DREW GULAK –
Austin Aries joins commentary. Tony Nese accompanies Gulak. Fox is with Cedric. Alexander with a back flip into a head scissors. Gulak soon takes over. Crowd is still completely fucking silent from the Titus match. Stiff back elbow by Cedric and a handspring enzuigiri. Crowd still doesn’t care. Nese on the apron, Fox pulls him off. Cedric becomes distracted and Gulak rolls him up for the win in maybe 2:00.
Winner is Drew Gulak
the crowd is absolutely SILENT and Fox continues to cost Cedric his matches. I’m not certain how that gets a man over.
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Rolling into hour #3 and Raw has had about 21 or 22 minutes of wrestling in each of the first two hours. Probably going to be about the same in hour 3. Still no advertising of the return of the Undertaker or Shawn Michaels next week.
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
Kevin Owens is barred from ringside. If Reigns loses by DQ or count out he loses the title. Reigns Samoan drop very early on for 2. Crowd is back awake and they’re 50/50 on Roman. Jericho with a missile dropkick to the jaw of Reigns for 2. Jericho misses a leg straddle on the rope and takes a shitty looking bump. Reigns attempts to gain control but Jericho dropkicks him off the apron. Reigns tries for a Drive By on the floor but Jericho moves and sends Roman knee and face first into the steel post. REIGNS JUST BEATS THE TEN COUNT BACK INSIDE! Raw takes a time out.
Raw rolls on. Jericho tries a bulldog but gets sent into the corner. Reigns with a series of clotheslines and back suplex bomb for 2. Jericho blocks a Superman punch. Reigns gets his knees up on a Lionsault. Jericho blocks a spear. Reigns counters a Codebreaker into a powerbomb, but Jericho counters the powerbomb into a rana into the WALLS. Reigns counters with a small package for 2.
Jericho leaps off the top rope right into a Superman Punch. JERICHO BARELY KICKS OUT. Jericho dodges a spear, twice and Roman goes into the post. Jericho removes the top turnbuckle padding right in front of the referee. While the ref puts the pad back on Jericho grabs the U.S. Title. Jericho tosses Reigns the title and takes a giant bump. The ref turns around and see Reigns with the belt and Jericho laid out. Eddie Guerrero style.
Reigns talks his way out of a disqualification but Jericho uses the distraction for a CODEBREAKER! 1–2–REIGNS KICKS OUT.
Jericho charges Reigns in the corner, Roman moves and Jericho knocks himself loopy as he hits the exposed buckle. Jericho turns into a SPEAR. Reigns wins yet again in 13:00.
Winner is Reigns
Good tease on the count out early in the match and the DQ late in the match. Poor decision on the finish. Jericho has been great with this character and killing it on promos but he’s moving in slow motion in the ring. His corner bumps are terrible, and some of his offense like his rana just looks like slow motion.
They’ve had so many opportunities to do some tweaking and do some things with Jericho/Owens and shift the Reigns character but they just refuse to let the asshole lose a fucking match.
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– TJ PERKINS VS. BRIAN KENDRICK –
We’re back to this match. Aries is back on commentary. Time to kill the crowd again. Kendrick jumps Perkins but TJ is quick to retaliate with fast strikes and a couple of near falls. Evil Neville watches from the back. Kendrick drops TJ’s throat across the rope in a fucking awesome spot that receives no noise.
Kendrick rushes into a superkick from TJ but Kendrick crotches TJ on the top. It winds up being Perkins with a haracan rana off the top onto Brian. Crowd barely makes a pop. Sad. Kendrick tries Sliced Bread #2, but Perkisn turns it into a Detonation Kick and the kneebar ends it in 2:30.
Winner is Perkins
Kendrick goes from Champion to job guy in a month. You can see the pecking order changing rapidly. The crowd sat on their hands for this one.
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* TO THE EMMALINA. She’s still coming. Will we see her before 2018?
– RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL VS. BIG CASS –
This was announced as a tag team match but Enzo is still riding in a wheel chair. They say he was re-injured over the weekend at a house show. This is now a 2 on 1 handicap match. Mahal is ‘foreign’ so he gets to be in a de facto storyline instead of doing the dark match or ‘Main Event’ for a few weeks. Cass sends Mahal outside quickly but the distraction leads to Rusev hitting the jumping kick to the head of Cass. Rusev wins the match in less than a minute. How you doin’?
Winners are Rusev and Jinder
At least it was quick.
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– BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –
This is to determine the #1 contender for the Raw Women’s Title. The winner will meet Charlotte at the Royal Rumble. Speaking of Charlotte, she has joined commentary. Before the match we’re reminded of what Jax did to Sasha Banks 2 weeks ago. That’s not foreshadowing or anything.
Jax with a shoulder breaker and she just beats the shit out of Bayley early. Jax with some reckless offense that could have really hurt Bayley. Sloppy shit by Jax. Nia misses a shoulder charge in the corner but doesn’t sell it at all, she just checks her mouth. Jax continues on offense with a Dusty elbowdrop and a legdrop. Jax climbs to the middle rope when Sasha Banks music hits. Sasha comes out in a knee brace walking onto the stage. Jax becomes distracted and Bayley leaps up for a Super Bayley to Belly after 3:20.
Winner is Bayley
I didn’t care for how all of Bayley’s offense was just moving out of the way of things and causing Jax to hit the corner buckles. They should book Bayley stronger going into the Rumble. Charlotte doesn’t sell Bayley’s win at all and says she will beat her at the Ruble.
Sasha Banks celebrates with Bayley in the aisle while she locks eyes with Jax.
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* The Undertaker returns next week on Raw.
* Shawn Michaels returns next week on Raw.
Take that Smackdown!
Goldberg this week, Taker and HBK next week. Maybe the Headbangers will return to Smackdown again in rebuttal.
– THE KEVIN OWENS SHOW WITH GOLDBERG–
The ominous shark cage is still looming on the stage. Chris Jericho accompanies Owens to the ring for this segment. There is a fucking guy standing in the ring as a prop with a giant ‘Kevin Owens Show’ sign as his face. It’s fucking hilarious!
Owens builds up his first guest with compliments before announcing his guest as Chris Jericho. Jericho announces that he has joined the Royal Rumble match. He says he’s the third man to join. He must have missed the New Day segment. Owens doesn’t look to happy with Jericho being in the Rumble. Jericho says if he wins and they fight at Mania then no matter who wins they’ll still be co-champions.
Goldberg’s theme cuts them off. Goldberg heads to the ring. He absorbs the sparks, inhales the smoke, and heads to the ring. Goldberg tells Jericho that if he’s in the Rumble match, then he’s next. Goldberg takes his jacket off and throws a lawn chair out of the ring. Jericho alludes to adding Goldberg to the list but Goldberg cuts him off.
Owens says that Goldberg doesn’t scare him and that he can throw furniture too. Owens tosses a desk and some chair out of the ring. KO and Goldberg go nose to nose and talk shit.
Paul Heyman interrupts them. Heyman has a spoiler. The Rumble will be Eat, Sleep, Elimination, Repeat. Goldberg says he will take care of Lesnar at the Rumble and then take care of Owens or Reigns at WrestleMania.
This doesn’t sit well with Roman Reigns who joins in on the segment. Reigns informs KO that he’s not winning at the Rumble. Reigns will win. Which brings Reigns to Goldberg. They go face to face.
BRAUN STROWMAN interrupts. Fuuuuuck me. It ALMOST got interesting for a minute then this sheep fucker comes out.
Jericho and Owens leave the ring. Strowman says he’s winning the Rumble and he joins Goldberg and Reigns in the ring.
DOUBLE SPEAR ON STROWMAN
Reigns has some parting words for Goldberg and Goldberg is left alone in the ring to celebrate.
Well that segment had all types of possibilities and fell flat. The crowd really didn’t respond loudly at the close of the show. At least we have some names in the Rumble match finally.
