THE WWE RAW REPORT
JANUARY 16, 2017
VERIZON ARENA – LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS
The Royal Rumble is just two weeks away. Brock Lesnar is on the show this week, Kurt Angle’s headed to the Hall of Fame, and the Road to WrestleMania is upon us. Let’s get to it, shall we?
* Raw begins with a “In Memory of” logo of “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka. RIP, bruddah.
* Followed by a Martin Luther King, Jr. Video which turns into a video on famous African Americans.
– REIGNS / HEYMAN / JERI-KO / ROLLINS / STROWMAN / LESNAR –
Reigns isn’t going to complain about losing the title last week outnumbered because he used to do the same thing in the Shield. But at Rumble Jericho will be in the shark cage and Reigns will face Owens one on one. Reigns can beat anyone one on one. And he will main event his third WrestleMania. Sounds pretty heelish to me.
Paul Heyman interrupts Reigns. Heyman warns Reigns and the fans that Brock Lesnar will be here tonight. Fans chant for Golberg but Paul informs them that Goldberg isn’t here. Heyman reminds everyone that at Rumble it’ll be Eat, Sleep, Elimination, Repeat at the hands of Lesnar.
Jericho and KO interrupt. So they’re the U.S. Universal Champion and they’re the best, and blah blah.
Seth Rollins interrupts. He’s going to win the Rumble and headline Mania because he sat out last year and fuck that.
RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRR. Braun Strowman to the ring. He stares down Reigns.
IT’S BRRRROCK LESNARRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Sami Zayn randomly attacks Strowman from behind while Lesnar stands at ringside. Reigns, Rollins and Zayn lay out Jericho, KO, and Strowman.
Brock Lesnar jumps in and takes Rollins, Reigns, and Zayn to suplex city. Die Reigns!
Braun Strowman back on the apron and Lesnar calls him in. The crowd pops for it, they have a stare down but Strowman backs off.
Reigns back in, SUPERMAN PUNCH to Brock.
Jeri-KO distracts Reigns aaannnnd,
F-5 TO REIGNS!
Brock leaves Reigns laying and he and Strowman stare at each other from afar.
I hope this isn’t all we get from Brock tonight. I hope they didn’t blow the wad that early. It was a good way to get the crowd going but I hope they try and sustain that excitement for more than one segment before they lose it.
=======================================================
– ENZO & BIG CASS VS. RUSEV & JINDER MAHAL –
Lana at ringside. Looks like Enzo is cleared to wrestle and hopefully we can end this shitty feud or whatever you want to call this. Jinder and Enzo starting. It turns into all four men in the ring pretty quickly. Enzo clotheslines Rusev and he doesn’t move. Get the fuck out of here. Why do they use Enzo like a fucking midget? The heels wind up bumping to the floor and Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on with the heels beating on Enzo. Big Cass gets a hot tag. Fall away slam and Stinger Splash to Mahal. Empire elbow, Rusev breaks up the count. Cass big boots Rusev off the apron. Mahal rolls Cass up and hooks the trunks but only gets 2. Big boot to Mahal, and Rocket Launcher by Enzo ends it in 8:34.
Winners are Enzo & Cass
This match was all beat down on Enzo and Cass getting his spots in. Well if they were going to have this match at least it was early. This would have dragged ass later in the show.
=======================================================
* Jack Gallagher joins commentary. If you didn’t before, now you KNOW he’s over with Vince.
– LINCE DORADO vs. ARIYA DAIVARI –
Austin Aries is also on commentary with Gallagher. Daivari meets Gallagher on 205 Live tomorrow night in an “I forfeit” match. LMAO. Gallagher is money, it’s just too bad he’s being wasted on Daivari. Dorado with a reverse crossbody and a handspring Stunner early on for a pair of near falls. Gallagher refers to Dorado as a “wrestler”, surprised they didn’t bleep that bad word. Daivari comes back and ends it with a Cobra Clutch Crossface. Simple but neat move. Dorado taps in 2:15.
Winner is Daivari V2.0
=======================================================
It’s odd to go this deep into the show with no Bitch Steph, no Foley, no mention of the opening segment or the booking of matches for tonight.
* A reminder video that the Undertaker entered the Royal Rumble last week.
* UK Title Tournament Recap Video. The building they ran the show in was awesome. Now that I think about it, Michael Cole must be jet lagged like a bitch.
* To the earlier today. Sasha Banks is being evaluated in the ring by medical personnel before the show. Nia Jax attacks Sasha in the ring before the doors are even open. Pretty cool set up during a time period they never mention. Too bad it’s wasted on Jax. They’re just determined to kill Sasha’s heat dead.
=======================================================
Hour #1 is down, we’ve got two more to go.
– WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS CESARO / SHEAMUS VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
We learned earlier today that Cesaro and Sheamus have joined the Rumble match. Cesaro and Anderson start. Cesaro catches Karl in mid-air and turns it into a whirlybird backbreaker. Cesaro misses a forearm into the corner and Gallows tags in. The challengers hit the Demolition Decapitation on the mat. 2 count on Cesaro. Cesaro blind tag to Sheamus who comes in with a slingshot shoulder tackle on Gallows for 2. Sheamus with the old Kwang kick in the corner and hits the 10 forearms on Gallows. Anderson hits a cheap kick to Sheamus and Gallows follows up with a kick upside Sheamus’ head sending the Celtic Warrior off the apron to the floor. Commercial time.
Raw rolls on. Sheamus getting worked over. Gallows and Anderson with double teams getting near falls. Gallows runs into a powerslam from Sheamus and Cesaro gets a hot tag because of it. Anderson also tags in. Cesaro goes uppercut crazy on Anderson and a standing dropkick gets 2. Cesaro sends Gallows to the floor. Swiss-1-9 to Anderson. Cesaro cross body dive off the top to the floor on Gallows. Springboard corkscrew uppercut to Anderson gets a close fall. Cesaro is all over the place.
Cesaro Swings Anderson. Sharpshooter applied, but Gallows kicks Cesaro right in the mouth. Anderson covers for 2. Anderson Spinebuster gets a near fall. Now everyone is in the ring. Sheamus starts punching everyone, including the referee. Oops.
Ref goes down, the challengers post Sheamus. Magic Killer to Cesaro. New referee slides in 1…2…3!
I’ll call it right now, Dusty finish.
This ain’t sticking, don’t get excited.
Gallows and Anderson have their hands raised by referee #2.
Referee #1 recovers almost immediately. He changes the result and disqualifies Sheamus after 13:00. Gallows and Anderson still win, but they don’t get the titles.
Winners by DQ, Gallows & Anderson.
There it was, a fucking DUSTY FINISH. Fucking lame. That type of shit put Crockett out of business. Well, that and the fucking jet airplanes.
* RIP to the Superfly, Bruddah. The Superfly gets a nice video. It’s followed by several Twitter comments from various wrestling personalities.
=======================================================
* Emmalina. Premiering soon. Oh just get in my fucking bed already and ride it.
* So there’s a six man tag with Rollins, Reigns, and Zayn vs. Stromwan, Jericho, Owens. So in the back it’s the faces getting ready for the match. Zayn is being overly gay trying to strategize and asking for fist bumps. The Shield members roll their eyes and walk off. Zayn comes off as a fucking tool. Way to book’em.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. TONY NESE –
Match doesn’t happen, Neville hops the barricade and attacks Swann from behind. Nese just leaves. Fuck that I’d want my title match. Neville lays Swann out and mocks him. Swann comes fighting back, which leads to Nese jumping Swann.
Nese lays Swann out and that pisses Neville off because this is his fight. Neville throws Nese out of the ring like a bitch. Neville with a swift kick to the face of Swanny.
Well that was. Eh. I thought it was going to lead to a Neville vs. Nese match for tonight but Nese laid there dead after being thrown to the floor.
So they can dive out of the ring 80 times a match, but when you throw them they’re fucking dead? Where’s the continuity in that?
It’s really building Neville up as a good heel though. I’m somewhat surprised he’s pulling it off so well.
=======================================================
* To the Neville backstage. He’s asked why he attacked Swann before their title match at Rumble. Neville says Swann attacked him last week. Americans are all hypocrites. At Rumble he will break Swann and take the Cruiser title.
– NEW DAY TALKS THE ROYAL RUMBLE –
They mention many of the names involved, including themselves. They know it’s friend vs. friend and foe vs. foe. It’s every man for himself. It seems they all plan to win together or something.
Titus O’Neil is back. Help us all. The crowd immediately groans. He wants to replace the New Day in the Rumble match. He wants one of their spots. They aren’t giving up their spots. Titus says he will just take one. They make fun of Titus and his failed football career. Man they just hammer this guy.
Big E accepts the match on the term that Titus will never bother them again. O’Neil calls Big E “thick’ems” because Ti-Tus Rocks.
=======================================================
– BIG E VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
New Day at ringside. Big E’s Rumble spot on the line. Match is in progress, which is a plus. Titus has control but Big E with a shoulder tackle. Abdominal stretch and E slaps on O’Neil’s ribs. Titus sent outside, he shoves Woods down. O’Neil back in with a big boot on Big E. Crowd is dead once again. Shitty offense. Titus with a fucking Dominator on Big E. Holy fuck. E kicks out.
Titus shakes his ass and hits a legdrop for 2 while mocking E. O’Neil applies the abdominal stretch and slaps Big E’s ASS for a little revenge. E makes the comeback. Belly to belly. Big splash. Big Ending. Titus Brand is over in 4:00.
Winner is Big E
No shock as Big E keeps his Rumble spot.
=======================================================
– CHARLOTTE FLAIR PROMO –
Charlotte runs down Bayley. Called her an easy win. She calls Bayley average like all the fans. She says Bayley should stay a fan. Charlotte shows pictures of Bayley with random wrestlers from her younger years as a fan. She shows poems Bayley used to write while Charlotte was competing in sports. Charlotte tries to read a poem from the screen but she can’t see it, lol. Charlotte shows a video of Bayley reading an essay from highschool. She calls Bayley’s essay a pile of unfulfilled dreams.
To the Bayley. Bayley stomps her way down and Charlotte goes running away from the ring. Charlotte goes up the ramp smiling while Bayley gets on the microphone. Bayley questions Charlotte’s intentions. Bayley isn’t embarrassed and ashamed of her passion she has for the business.
Her dads not Ric Flair, but her dad bought her a ticket to every WWE event, even when they didn’t have the money. Well that’s just bad parenting.
Bayley has a new poem for Charlotte.
Roses are red, violets are blue. At Royal Rumble I will defeat you.
There’s more but this is cheesy. Charlotte is getting mad.
Bayley’s inflatable tube people shoot up and Charlotte hits one of them on the way out.
Well we’ve got about an hour left counting the run over. Let’s see what they have left.
* To the Strowman. Jericho and Owens come to talk strategy. Owens thinks Braun should take Reigns out for 2 weeks. Strowman says he does what he wants, when he wants. He says he’s throwing everyone out at Rumble while looking at Jericho. He looks at Owens and says he’s winning the Rumble and taking the title at Mania. Tonight Braun destroys his opponents.
=======================================================
– THE BRIAN KENDRICK VS. CEDRIC ALEXANDER –
Is this 205 Live or Raw? WTF? Aries is back for commentary. Alexander dumped Alicia Fox last week after she cost him another match. Foxy went crazy. Ref wants a clean break and Kendrick drop toe holds Alexander into the corner buckle. Alexander comes right back with some impressive flashy shit including an Arabian Press to the floor. Damnz.
Kendrick takes over offense and applies a full nelson crossface. Cedric breaks free. Noam Dar is watching in the back. Shots traded. Spinning back elbow by Cedric. Kick to the back of the neck on Kendrick. Alexander off the top for a near fall.
Alexander tries a back suplex but Kendrick spins it into a Captain’s Hook. Alexander tries to make the ropes when Alicia Fox comes running down and pushes the ropes toi Cedric for the break. Alexander talks to Fox, he doesn’t want her help. Kendrick with a sliding dropkick from behind. Kendrick goes for the Captain’s Hook again but it’s turned into the LUMBAR CHECK for the win in 5:00.
Winner is Alexander.
Alicia Fox comes for a hug after the match and Alexander ducks under it and leaves the ring. Bitch got played.
Good little match.
* To the Nia Jax. She laughs at Banks being called “The Boss”. She squashed the aura around the boss. She squashed it all right. Jax says she broke the Boss.
=======================================================
* To the Fox. Alicia says her and Cedric just had a disagreement, that’s all. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Then she yells in comedic fashion.
If you haven’t seen it already, WWE announces that this year’s headliner in the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2017 is…..
OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST, KURT ANGLE!
OH IT’S TRUE, IT’S DAMN TRUE!
=======================================================
– ROMAN REIGNS, SETH ROLLINS, SAMI ZAYN
VS.
KEVIN OWENS, CHRIS JERICHO, BRAUN STROWMAN –
A brawl starts the bout which winds up seeing Strowman dominate all three of the faces. Strowman sends all of the faces out of the ring before the bell even sounds. Raw goes to commercial again before the match officially starts.
Raw rolls on with the match now in progress. The heels are getting the heat on Zayn. Owens goes for a senton but lands on Zayn’s knees. Hot tag to Reigns. Roman starts to clean house. Outside the ring Strowman sends Rollins into the barricade. Reigns comes after Strowman but gets thrown into an Owens superkick. Kevin gets 2 and a half and Raw cuts to commercial.
Raw continues again. The heels are causing a distraction and it allows them to keep beating on Reigns. Things fall apart and it’s a pier 6. Suicide dive by Seth on Jericho. Somersault plancha by Zayn on Owens. Strowman gets sent into the post. Flying knee on Jericho in the ring by Seth gets 2. Jericho escapes a Pedigree and tags in Strowman.
Strowman drops Zayn and Rollins. Seth escapes the powerslam and hits an enzuigiri on Braun. Superman punch on Braun. Rollins dives off the top cross body to the floor on Jericho. Zayn off the top cross body on Strowman for a near fall.
Zayn tries the Helluva Kick but runs into a Strowman clothesline. Running powerslam ends Zayn.
Winners are Strowman and Jeri-KO
Strowman carries Zayn up the ramp and over to the announce desk. Rollins follows him up and swats him with a chair. Roman Reigns spear on the stage on Strowman!
Reigns and Rollins plan to powerbomb Strowman through the table but Owens and Jericho attack. Sami Zayn has mysteriously disappeared.
Reigns and Rollins fight back. PEDRIGREE ON THE STAGE ON JERICHO.
Owens nails Rollins with a chair. Reigns tries a spear but runs into the chair. Owens lays Reigns out with the chair.
OWENS POWERBOMBS REIGNS THROUGH THE TABLE.
Crowd chants YES. lol
Raw ends.
