THE WWE RAW REPORT
FEBRUARY 13, 2017
THE T-MOBILE ARENA – LAS VEGAS, NV
Hey guy, Bobby Mayo back in the house this week with the Raw Report. For any new readers out there please be advised in advance that I do use colorful language, and I do express my thoughts openly whether you like them or not.
Tonight, Bayley gets yet another shot at Charlotte’s strap, Jericho and Owens present the “Festival of Friendship”, and Emmalina has been coming (on my face) for so long that she has finally arrived. We’re 3 weeks out from Fastlane and 7 weeks out from WrestleMania. Everything should (technically) mean something at this point in the season. Let’s see what Raw brings us this week.
CHAVO GUERRERO SR. IMAGE DISPLAYED IN TRIBUTE (1949 – 2017)
RIP, Classic
– STEPHANIE MCMAHON / REIGNS / GALLOWS & ANDERSON SEGMENT –
To the Bitch Steph. She’s out to the ring first. Stephanie has given Mick Foley the week off after fucking up his segment with Samoa Joe last week. Steph is running Raw all by herself this week.
To the Roman. When it Reigns, it bores. Reigns doesn’t want to wait until Fastlane, he wants Strowman tonight.
Stephanie teases making the match for tonight and playing to the fans before she shits all over them. The match will remain at Fastlane. Instead, Braun will face Mark Henry tonight. Now there’s a fucking train wreck waiting to happen.
Reigns says he will come out to watch that match live. Stephanie informs Reigns that if he puts his hands on Strowman tonight that she will cancel the Fastlane match and anything Reigns may do at Mania.
To the Gallows & Anderson. WTF? They stick up for Stephanie and challenge Reigns to a handicapped match tonight. Stephanie channels newest Hall of Famer Teddy Long, playa, and books the match. Holla.
Oh great, lets job our tag team champions to fucking Super Fuck Reigns.
So much for building up the division.
Reigns gets into a fight with both men with Roman finally getting driven into the steps as Raw goes to commercial.
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– ROMAN REIGNS VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
This is 2 on 1, handicapped style. Match is in progress with Gallows working over Reigns. Assisted neckbreaker by Anderson gets a 2 for the tag champs. Reigns fights out of the corner and Anderson misses a shoulder charge into the buckle. Reigns lights Karl up with clotheslines in the corner. Big boot to Anderson and Gallows gets knocked off the apron. Gallows distracts but Reigns still manages a Superman Punch on Anderson. Reigns lines up for a spear, but Gallows attacks. The tag champs double team Reigns until they are disqualified in just 4:00.
Winner by DQ is Reigns.
The champs for for the Magic Killer after the match, but Reigns fights out. Superman Punch knocks Gallows off the apron. Karl tries using a chair but gets sent packing. The tag champs run off like asshole cowards and I have no fucking clue what this accomplished for anyone.
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To the New Day, which frankly are becoming very Old to me. Bo Dallas is in the ring by himself so they rip on him, calling him a “Social Outcast”. They continue to pimp their fucking Ice Cream. Why is there going to be fucking New Day ice cream, but not WWE Ice Cream bars?
– KOFI KINGSTON VS. BO DALLAS –
There’s a fucking loud “We Want Ice Cream” chant. I hate this crowd. Bo dances with New Day, but it’s all a ploy to steal their Ice Cream Blueprints. Bo shreds the Ice Cream papers, but Kofi hits a somersault dive out onto him for his troubles. Back in the ring Dallas hits an elevated Cross Rhodes and gets a near fall. Bo falls to the S.O.S. in 2:00.
Winner is Kofi
They pour Booty O’s down Bo’s mouth while he’s out. New Day has been going nowhere since losing the belts.
* To the Neville. Charly Caruso asks Neville about Jack Gallagher becoming the #1 contender at Fastlane. Neville has TJ Perkins tomorrow on 205 Live. Gallagher interrupts. Jack has some words that piss Neville off.
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– JACK GALLAGHER VS. NOAM DAR –
Austin Aries to the commentary booth. Alicia Fox is with Dar. He doesn’t speak on TV, which is already a plus. Some good shit from both, mainly unique counters. Gallagher cartwheels his way out of a hold but Dar takes is leg out. Gallagher with the head stand in the corner and some dropkicks. Dar slides through Jack’s legs but runs into a fucking HEAD BUTT TO THE FUCKING CHIN. Running dropkick in the corner and Gallagher wins in 3:30.
Winner is Jack Gallagher
Neville makes his way out to the stage after the match. He holds his belt up to show Jack who the champ is. Anyone else starting to notice how much like Triple H that Neville tries to be. Angry, beardy, they’re both “Kings”. Is this H’s way of dominating that division, too?
THE WAIT IS OVER, EMMALINE IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!! OH BABY!!!!!!!!
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* TRIPLE H AND SAMOA JOE ARRIVE AT THE BUILDING, LIMO STYLE.
– EMMALINA ARRIVES –
Emmalina arrives on stage after 17 weeks of waiting. She shows herself off. She has arrived. The makeover of Emma to Emmalina. And now she will makeover Emmalina… into Emma. Wha? Emmalina, or Emma(?) walks off. WHAT THE FUCK? NOOO. DON’T DO THIS TO ME AUSSIE SLUT!
* To the Bayley. She’s with Charly Caruso. Her match with Charlotte is apparently the main event tonight. She bombs here on her promo and tries to recover but it sucks. She says she’s winning the title in Vegas.
* To the Jeri-KO. They talk about the Festival of Friendship. Triple H interrupts and wants to talk with Owens in private.
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– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. MARK HENRY –
They feel each other out with neither guy budging. Strowman takes a cheap shot and drops Henry to the mat. Braun hammers on Mark. The crowd doesn’t give a shit and won’t chant for Henry to help him break a hold. Henry catches a forearm and battles his way back. Henry splashes Braun in the corner. Mark goes for the World’s Strongest Slam, but Braun falls back on top of Henry. Really? Strowman comes back with his shitty back bump dropkick. Running powerslam and it’s over in less than 5:00.
Winner is Strowman
Immediately following the pin, Roman Reigns heads to the ring. Strowman knocks Roman off the apron and dares him to try and enter again. Reigns drops Braun across the top rope, Superman Punch and Strowman just staggers. A second Superman Punch drops Strowman to a knee. Reigns goes for a Spear but Braun turns it into a Powerslam and drops Reigns.
Strowman leaves with satisfaction.
Samoa Joe is being miked up backstage. I guess he’s too cool to cut promos in the ring.
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* To the rag tags. Cesaro and Sheamus are helping Bayley get ready for her match. Enzo & Cass interrupt. Sheamus fumbles over his lines. They argue about last week and Enzo & Cass unintentionally costing Cesaro and Sheamus a Tag Title win. Enzo says if they don’t like it to do something about it. Looks like we have a tag match.
– SAMOA JOE INTERVIEW –
* Michael Cole interviews Samoa Joe backstage. They sell this as live but it’s clearly pre-recorded. Joe only cares about Triple H, cuz H gave him the opportunity. Joe is just here to hurt people. Cole wonders if Joe is here as a hitman for Rollins. Joe says it took 18 years to get here because they were afraid of what he can do. Joe says he re-injured Rollins, and that Seth with miss another WrestleMania. Joe wants to know if this interview is about Triple H or Samoa Joe, because Cole keeps bringing up H. Joe doesn’t think Seth will be back, but if he does return then he will put him out again. In two weeks time, Joe has beat Rollins, and Reigns. He’s here to change everything.
Joe says he’s not a “Sami Zayn” who’s just happy to be on Raw. Michael Cole points out guys like Shawn Michaels, Batista, Randy Orton, Seth Rollins, are all guys Triple H left in his wake. Joe says he’s different because he doesn’t NEED Triple H’s help or to be propped up. Joe knows what’s best for business and he’s the first guy Triple H can rely on. Joe says Triple H the creator unleashed Joe, the Destroyer. Joe walks off.
Great promo. Joe doesn’t hesitate and it makes his character feel like it belongs. Well done.
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– SAMI ZAYN VS. RUSEV –
Rusev still sporting the nose guard. Lana sporting a skin tight dress. Match is pretty flat. Crowd isn’t all that great right now. Rusev finally ends up outside and Zayn does a somersault plancha out onto him. Zayn tries to climb back inside but he’s met by a Rusev kick to the face and Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Rusev has control but his face guard comes off. He has to fix it. They climb to the top rope and Zayn knocks Rusev off. Zayn jumps off but Rusev kicks him upside the skull for a near fall. Rusev completely no sells Zayn’s fighting back offense and runs Sami over. Rusev misses a splash in the corner and takes a bump to the outside. The announcers are just trashing Zayn, burying him. Zayn can’t maintain offense. Rusev starts to reenter the ring in the corner and gets caught with a Helluva Kick out of nowhere and he pins Rusev in 10:00.
Winner is Zayn.
Zayn was made to looks like shit all match and then wins out of nowhere. I don’t know which one of these guys I feel worse for.
Charly Caruso interviews Sami Zayn on the stage. He may have lost to Jericho last week, but he won this week against big Rusev. He references Samoa Joe shit talking him. He shit talks Joe back and calls him a sell out.
Zayn starts to talk WrestleMania when Samoa Joe’s music hits. Zayn looks for Joe at the entrance, but Joe sneaks up and attacks from behind. Joe drops Zayn with a series of bunches and rams him into the LED lights. Coquina Clutch chokes Zayn out on the stage.
Samoa Joe shows Zayn what happens when somebody says his name.
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* Teddy Long to the WWE Hall of Fame. Holla, holla. Playa. WWE be drinkin dat Hater-ade again.
– AKIRA TOZAWA VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
Austin Aries and Brian Kendrick both on commentary. Kendrick says Tozawa reminds him of him. Daivari gets control. Kendrick bores me to death on commentary. Tozawa with a Frankensteiner. Daivari knocked off the apron. Tozawa with a head first suicide dive. Daivari dodges some kicks but Tozawa hits the German Suplex for the win in 3:00
Winner is Tozawa
Kendrick claims Tozawa is his protege even though Tozawa has never acknowledged him. Not one mention of being sprayed in the face by Tajiri twice now.
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– THE FESTIVAL OF FRIENDSHIP ENDS BAD –
All night we’ve been “treated” to videos of the history of the friendship of Owens and Jericho and now it’s time to celebrate. A ridiculous amount of pyro is followed by Vegas show girls, and of course Chris Jericho. Jericho introduces Kevin Owens, who doesn’t looks very happy to be in this segment.
They walk down to the ring, Jericho with the show girls and Owens way behind. Owens looks extremely displeased to be involved in this. The ring is covered in all red, with signs, and two items covered by red sheets revealed to be presents.
The first present to Owens is a sculpture of friendship. It appears to be two people intertwined and about to kiss. This represents Jeri-KO’s friendship. Chris says it cost him 7 grand.
The next present is a painting. Jericho half naked on a bed touching fingers with Owens on a cloud or some shit. It’s so fucking gay, it’s a play off the “Creation of Adam”. Owens says he can’t use the portrait at home because he has kids and points out Jericho is almost naked ad has no pants.
Jericho has one more present. It’s magic. Jericho has hired a magician for Owens. He does some lame tricks. He turns fire into a flower, he pulls streamers out of his mouth. Owens says his 9 year old can do these tricks. Jericho is mad at “Friendship the Magician”. The magician makes THE LIST.
The guy has no idea how to reacts and Jericho tells him to do one more track and disappear. Jericho found him on Craig’s List.
Jericho has a final present. He’s going to take Goldberg out before Fastlane. Jericho challenges Goldberg, RIGHT NOW.
Jericho starts to tell Goldberg that he’s going to get……. Raw goes to commercial.
Like a pro, Jericho finishes his line… “IT”. He calls out Goldberg.
And out comes…… GILLBERG!
It’s Gillberg, completely with sparklers!
Owens flattens Gillberg on the ramp. Gillberg needs to team with James Ellsworth.
Owens is pissed now. He shits on Jericho’s gifts and the Gillberg comedy. He wants to be serious and kick Goldberg’s ass. Fans chant for Gillberg.
Jericho gets serious and thanks Owens for the great year in the business. He thanks KO for everything and says that this was to show his appreciation.
Jericho promises to make sure Owens wins over Goldberg at Fastlane. He calls Owens his brother and says he loves him.
Owens feels bad now. He apologizes and thanks Jericho for the kind gestures. They hug and love each other. Awwww
Owens has something for Jericho too. It’s a new LIST. But it’s the LIST OF KO.
And there’s only one name on the list. CHRIS JERICHO IS ON THE LIST????
Jericho’s smile turns to confusion and OWENS MAULS JERICHO.
KEVIN OWENS BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF JERICHO.
Jericho gets beat down on the floor and POWERBOMB ON THE APRON!
And he’s not done. Trembling with rage, Owens sends Jericho through a glass TV monitor.
KO holds up the title and knocks over Jericho’s art as he leaves the ring. The officials put a towel over Jericho’s face to sell like he’s bleeding.
The announcers have gone silent as KO walks out.
Holy shit did a lot just happened.
I feel bad for whatever has to follow this.
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* To the Ambulance. Chris Jericho is on a stretcher and being placed in an ambulance.
* Enzo and Cass do their routine in the ring. The crowd doesn’t get some of the references. Some of their stuff lately hasn’t been so good. Their lines are still over though.
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– ENZO VS. CESARO –
Cass and Sheamus are at ringside. Just another match to make Enzo look inferior to everyone else on the roster. Cesaro throws Enzo up into the air for an uppercut which is enough to beat him in 3:00. This was nothing and I find it pathetic how they use Enzo.
Winner is Cesaro
* To the Charlotte. She runs into Sasha Banks in the back. They exchange some words. Charlotte says Sasha can’t win anymore. Woo
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* Next week it’s Strowman vs. Big Show
–WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. BAYLEY –
They lock up, and Charlotte powers Bayley into the ropes before giving a clean break. Charlotte smirks at her and backs up. They lock up agaib, and Charlotte wrenches the arm. Charlotte takes her down and applies an overhead wristlock. Charlotte is smiling the whole while. Bayley fights up and rolls out, but Charlotte takes her down by the hair. Charlotte taunts the crowd. Bayley quickly rolls her up for a two count. Bayley connects with an arm drag and wrenches the arm. Charlotte tries to roll out, but Bayley rolls with her. Bayley rolls her up for a one count. Charlotte quickly gets in the ropes to take a breath. Charlotte gets her in the corner and pushes her. Bayley then pushes her back. Charlotte gets out of the ring to rethink her strategy. Commercial time.
Raw rolls on. Charlotte is in control but Bayley turns it around and unloads. Charlotte ends up launching the back of Bayley’s neck into the turnbuckles. Charlotte mounts Bayley with rights now. Charlotte keeps control and works on the neck. Bayley comes back with a jawbreaker but Charlotte cuts her comeback off. Charlotte with the backbreaker – neckbreaker combo, holding it into a neck submission. Charlotte with another neckbreaker. Charlotte keeps control and drops Bayley with a hard chop. Charlotte with a standing Dragon Sleeper now. Bayley makes it to the ropes and reverses the hold. It’s broken but Bayley kicks her into the corner.
Charlotte ends up knocking Bayley off the apron with a big boot as she tries to make another comeback. Charlotte goes out and sends Bayley into the barrier. Charlotte goes to the top of the barrier and crashes into Bayley with a moonsault. Charlotte brings it back in the ring but Bayley kicks out at 2. Charlotte covers for another 2 count. Charlotte with another pin attempt as she shows frustration. They trade shots now. Bayley blocks a boot and unloads. Charlotte stops her with a chop. Charlotte with a boot to the back. They collide in mid-air and both go down.
Bayley gets up and unloads for the comeback. Bayley with a big suplex. Bayley hits the springboard elbow for a close 2 count. Bayley with more offense until Charlotte suckers her in. Bayley comes right back with a side suplex. Bayley goes to the top and hits the big elbow drop for another close 2 count. Charlotte comes back and hits a boot. Charlotte goes to the top but Bayley cuts her off. Bayley climbs up and nails the top rope hurricanrana for a 2 count. Dana Brooke appears on the apron but Bayley knocks her. Bayley counters Charlotte and gets the Figure Four applied on Charlotte. Dana rakes Bayley in the eyes and the hold is broken. Fans boo. Charlotte applies the Figure Four and bridges it into the Figure Eight. Sasha Banks runs down and breaks a crutch over Dana’s back. She nails Charlotte and the hold is broken. Bayley hits the Bayley-to-Belly suplex for the win and the title.
Winner and New RAW Women’s Champion: Bayley
– After the match, Bayley’s music hits as Sasha looks on. Bayley celebrates with the title. Sasha hits the ring to join her and they both get emotional as we go to replays. We come back and the celebration continues as fans cheer for Bayley. RAW goes off the air with the new champion celebrating.
