It’s Raw time with Bobby “The Brain” Mayo. I punched my way through last week’s episode without any hiccups so I’m hoping I can keep things together again this week without my brain exploding. The rumors of no more preshow appear to be true (somewhat). The preshow is not on the Network this week (kinda), so let me drop you with some bullet points from WWE.com
WWE RAW BULLET POINTS
- How will Charlotte handle her title loss to Sasha Banks?
- Can WWE Raw “handle this”, Rich Swann is the NEW Cruiserweight Champion
- Will Seth Rollins Strike Again? Looks like a match with Jericho is looming.
- Is this the end of the line for Kevin Owens. He meets Reigns at Roadblock.
- Has Sami Zayn cooled off after his verbal attack on Mick Foley last week?
Ok, so there IS a new Raw preshow. It’s now 10 minutes long. Hosted by Booker and Charly Caruso. That’s really worth it. Looks like they’ve canned Stanford, Lawler and Lita. Stanford could be done for good as he has nothing left to do. Lawler getting the shaft in favor or the younger shittier announcers.
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THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 5, 2016 – THE FRANK ERWIN CENTER
AUSTIN, TX
* To the intro. It’s some gay “Previously on Raw” video where they replay the Owens/Jericho/Rollins/Reigns shit from the past 2 weeks.
– SETH ROLLINS / KEVIN OWENS PROMO –
Rollins completely moves away from his issues with Owens and Jericho and says he wants Triple H. Trips chose to bet against Seth Rollins and anoint Owens as the new golden boy. Trips made a bad bet. Rollins knows Triple H won’t show up if he calls him out, so instead he will beat Kevin Owens and take the Universal Title to make Trips show up. But Seth can’t beat Owens with Jericho lurking. Seth poked fun at Owens losing last week when Jericho was out.
* To the KO. The comments bring Owens to the stage. KO says sometimes best friend fight, but Rollins has no friends, Rollins even turned on his ‘brothers’ The Shield. Best friends make up. Owens has brought Jericho THREE GIFTS. KO is sick of hearing that he doesn’t deserve the Universal title. Rollins says if KO is a fighting champion to defend it against him right now. KO already beat Rollins 2 weeks ago, so no. Owens says Foley booked him against Zayn tonight. Didn’t those guys have some ‘last match’ back in the summer?
Owens announces Jericho’s first gift is a U.S. Title shot against Roman Reigns tonight. Gift #2 is Jericho vs. Rollins at Roadblock. The third present is Rollins vs. BIG SHOW.
TO THE BIG SHOW
BIG SHOW RETURNS!
NEXT!
LIVE!
ON RAW!
BY GAWD!
SLOBBER KNOCKER!
MOTHER FUCKER!
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. THE BIG SHOW –
I had seen a picture a couple weeks back of Show’s weight loss. It’s legit. Good for him. Ten seconds into the match and I’m already reminded that Show is 10 times better than shitty Kane. Show just runs through Rollins and rag dolls him around the ring. Seth goes to the leg of Show. Show catches Seth in a suicide dive attempt and press drops him across the barricade.
Kevin Owens stays at ringside for the match. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Rollins chops him down to the mat with kicks and gets a 2 count. Show kicks out and sends Seth outside. Seth with TWO springboard flying knees. Show still standing. A third flying knee off the top drops the Show.
Seth sets up for a Pedigree but Show backdrops him. Kevin Owens gets on the apron and screams at Show. Owens bosses Show around and Show CHOKESLAMS OWENS into the ring.
Show walks off and leaves Owens for Rollins to deal with. Show just walks away and takes a count out in 5:00.
When Show is counted out he applauds the result. What the fuck?
Winner is Rollins.
Seth Pedigrees Owens after the match.
Show didn’t last one episode without doing yet another turn. I know when a third party pisses me off I no longer care about the outcome of what I have going on. SMH
* To the Jack Gallagher. This guy is so awesome he gets his own video on Raw. He debuts on Raw next.
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* To the SNL. John Cena hosts SNL this week.
– JACK GALLAGHER VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
They love to mention that Gallagher was trained by the late Billy Robinson. Robinson was bad ass. Gallagher with some flashy takedowns. Daivari takes control with some boring heel shit. Gallagher with some nice dropkicks and a fucking headbutt. Murderous dropkick into the corner ends this out of nowhere in 3:00.
I was hoping Gallagher would do his comedy spots for my wife, but not tonight.
Winner is Gallagher.
Daivari shakes Jack’s hand after the match, then clips Jack’s leg and beats the shit out of his leg. Fuck You fucker Daivari. Go fly on your carpet, you bitch.
* To the Titus Brand. I think he’s trying to sell a match of him vs. Goldberg? I don’t know what he’s fucking doing.
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To the Foley & Owens. KO is pissed about what happened earlier and he still has to face Sami Zayn. If Steph was here the match wouldn’t happen. Foley says Steph isn’t here so the match is happening. Chris Jericho strolls in. Owens tries to sell Jericho on their friendship. Jericho isn’t biting. KO pleads with Jericho to be ‘good’ with him. Jericho says they’re not good. I call bullshit.
* To the Enzo & Rusev. Enzo and Cass are walking down the hall, Rusev is arguing with Lana. Cass tells Enzo to stay out of it. Enzo butts in against Cass’ wishes. Rusev and Lana argue some more. Lana throws her ring at Rusev. Rusev storms off. Enzo hits on Lana and dismisses Cass. Cass rolls his eyes and leaves Enzo to macking Lana. Gayness.
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* To the Enzo mackin Lana. Enzo is pretending to listen to Lana’s complaints about Rusev. She thinks she should teach Rusev a lesson. She asks Enzo to come to her hotel room. SWERVE-A-MANIA runnin wild, brother.
So now Lana is the slut inviting guys to hotel rooms so they can get SWERVED and beaten up. Is fucking RUSSO back writing this shit?
– UNIVERSAL CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS VS. SAMI ZAYN –
I’m pretty sure the last time these guys fought at SummerSlam or whatever the shit PPV it was that the stip was they’d never fight again. That only lasted a few months. This match is non-title. Zayn is all over Owens outside the ring. Owens dives out onto Zayn. Then Sami dives out onto Owens. Raw goes to break.
Raw rolls on. Zayn levels KO with a clothesline. We get some good shit from both guys. Zayn with the flying tornado DDT through the ropes on the floor. Owens with a FISHERMANS BUSTER off the top rope! Gets a near fall. Cannonball in the corner also gets 2. Zayn counters the Pop up powerbomb with a half and half suplex and an Exploder. BLUE THUNDER BOMB! Owens barely escapes at 2. More good shit leads to a pop up powerbomb ends it after 11:00.
Winner is KO
* To the locker room. Roman Reigns is teasing Jericho about the parking lot pedigree from last week.
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* To the Banks. We see a video from last week that shows Sasha as the new champ. Again. Charly Caruso interviews Banks. Sasha is losing her voice but she keeps talking about how Ric Flair deserves better than Charlotte. Banks welcomes a rematch with Charlotte. Again. Sasha challenges Charlotte to an Iron Woman Match at Roadblock. Eh. I’m not sure what to make of that.
Charlotte is supposedly going to publicly apologize to Ric Flair tonight in the ring.
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– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. TJ PERKINS –
Swann’s fucking nickname is ‘The Outlandish’. What the fuck is that? When you have to tell somebody you’re outlandish then you’ve already failed. I still don’t get this video game entrance for Perkins. Cruiser offense goes back and forth with Swann mocking TJ with the dab. They both have a laugh. Swann with a double spine stomp. Chops being traded. Swann lands a Russian legsweep and a Rolling Thunder Splash gets 2. First four minutes was more of a Cruiserweight Classic style then we move into a Swann rest hold to quiet the crowd. Perkins mule kicks his way free. Ties Swann in the tree of woe. Dropkick on Swann upside down gets another 2.
Swann counters TJ’s knee bar with a roll up for 2. Wrecking Ball dropkick to the apron on Swann. Perkins with a sprinboard right into a spinning back kick from Swann. TJ is out. Swann wins in 6:00.
Winner is Swann.
* To the Bayley. She’s juggling Bayley bears, poorly. She wrestles next.
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– BAYLEY VS. ALICIA FOX –
So we’ve moved away from the Bayley/Charlotte program for now. Bayley just working random matches to stay relevant.I guess during the new preshow Bayley gave Cedric Alexander a Bayley Bear. So Fox got pissy. Isn’t it sad that this is what Cedric has been relegated to? This is pretty sloppy. Fox with a Northern Lights suplex for 2. Boring follows. Bayley does her thang. Bayley to Belly out of nowhere ends this shit in 2:00.
Winner is Bayley
* To the reasonable Cass. He’s trying to talk Enzo out of going to the hotel. Enzo gets a text from Lana. She’s naked or something. Enzo is going. Cass is against it. Rusev confronts Cass about Lana’s whereabouts. Cass doesn’t like Rusev touching him. Rusev says he will make a match against Cass tonight.
UP NEXT IT’S THE TUSSEL IN TEXAS. Mark Henry vs. Titus. They make a big joke of it. Which sums it up.
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EMMALINA. Oh fuck you, give me some Emmalina. If she doesn’t come soon, I will. EMMALINAS IS CUMMING, ERR COMING, NEXT WEEK ON RAW. YEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
– MARK HENRY VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
This is the Tussel in Texas. Bwah. They get a tale of the tape. More bwah. World’s Strongest Slam ends it. Match may have been 20 seconds. Being generous.
Winner is Henry.
Time to repackage the Titus brand.
* To the WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ric Flair pulls up in a stretch Limo wow Enzo is waiting for a ride to the hotel. Flair gives Enzo the limo to go grab some sex.
Get real that ain’t Ric’s limo, he’s fucking broke. Look at Flairs clothes, what happened to the custom made suits? Now it’s shirts with his gut hanging out and a plaid suit jacket from TJ Maxx. Woo that.
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* To the back. Chris Jericho orders Kevin Owens to stay away from him. He tells KO he doesn’t want him in his corner or need him. He tells KO to stay away.
– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO –
Jericho attacks Reigns but it’s Roman who dominates early on. Reigns tries a Superman punch but runs right into a Jericho dropkick. Jericho with a top rope body block to Reigns on the floor and Raw goes into a commercial.
Raw rolls on with Reigns breaking free of a chinlock. Roman is sent outside. Jericho misses a sliding dropkick. Reigns with the Drive by. Into the ring Jericho counters Reigns and hits a Lionsault for 2. Reigns fights back with his Samoan drop and Superman Punch to get a near fall.
Jericho blocks a Spear with a kick. Reigns catches the Codebreaker and turns it into a sit out powerbomb for another close fall. Reigns fights his way out of a Walls attempt and rolls Jericho up for 2. Jericho with an enzuigiri and this time applies THE WALLS!
The Walls is applied. Reigns makes the ropes. Reigns leans on the bottom rope. SUPERKICK FROM KEVIN OWENS ON REIGNS! Reigns turns into the CODEBREAKER! OOOOOONNNNEEE. TTTWWWOOOOOO. FUCKING SUPERMAN REIGNS KICKS OUT. FUCK YOU SUPERMAN.
Owens jumps onto the raising hell. Jericho is pissed off and tells Owens he doesn’t need him. Jericho slaps Owens and sends him off. Jericho turns around and ends up taking a spear. Reigns wins in 14:00. Bullshit finish.
Winner is Fuck Bag.
They could have easily given Jericho the belt here. So Reigns could chase the Universal Title for this month. Then Owens can drop the belt to Rollins at Rumble because Vince wouldn’t dare allow KO headline Mania. That way Owens and Jericho have the U.S. Title to fight over while Rollins has whoever. Reigns can just go away. That’s my dream anyway.
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* Rusev vs. Big Cass is next. Or is it? I say Rusev got Cass to the ring to keep him distracted and Rusev is really at the hotel. But that scenario makes too much sense. Too much thought put into that.
– BIG CASS VS. RUSEV –
HAHA. I CALLED IT. FUCK YEAH. RUSEV NO SHOWS. I BOOKED THAT SHIT!
Cass seems to put the pieces together. He knows what’s going on. Cass runs out to the time keeper to use his cell phone. He calls Enzo. lol this is so gay. Cass is trying to warn his little buddy.
We cut to the hotel. Enzo won’t answer the call because it’s from ‘unknown’. Lana is in a hooker robe. She tricks Enzo into her room. Enzo has second thoughts and wants to leave. Lana wants to get them drinks. She bends over to show her ass. She sucks a strawberry. Enzo tries to leave again. She won’t let him. She rips Enzo’s shirt off and tells him to take his pants off. PG BABY.
Enzo pulls down to his boxers. Once he’s about naked, she tells him he’s a fool.
Lana calls Rusev into the room. Rusev is pissssssssed. He is mumbling in Bulgarian. Enzo just wants to leave but Rusev attacks. SWERVE SWERVE SWERVE. Rusev beats a naked Enzo into a wall and through a coffee table. He breaks a lamp over Enzo. He rips at Enzo’s face. Why do they make Enzo such a bitch. Fucking seriously. Rusev busts a vase over the back of the head of Enzo. Rusev drags the half naked Enzo into the hall. They close the door on poor Enzo. Enzo is presumed dead.
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New Day at ringside awaiting to see who they will face next week. New Day is just 10 days from breaking Demolition’s record.
– GALLOWS & ANDERSON VS. SHEAMUS & CESARO –
Haven’t New Day already beat these teams? So the winner tries to dethron New Day next week on Raw, just 3 days shy of the record. Yeah like that’s going to happen. Wait last week it was 17 days. That would make this 10 days. Next week 3 days. But for storyline purposes Cole says they will beat Demos record if they keep the belt next Monday. Good team work from Shemaus and Cesaro last week. Slingshot shoulder block by Sheamus on Anderson. Gallows tags in and hammers on Sheamus. Sheamus with a sloppy ass Irish Curse backbreaker on Gallows. New Day distracts Gallows and Anderson, Sheamus and Cesaro take advantage but the entire thing looks like shit. Cesaro hammering on Gallows when Raw goes to a commercial.
Raw rolls on with Cesaro in a chinlock. Cesaro escapes and tries to make a jump for a hot tag but jumps right into an Anderson spinebuster. Gallows and Anderson hit the DEMOLITION DECAPITATION on Cesaro for 2. Sheamus fends off Anderson while Cesaro hits a tornado DDT on Gallows. Hot tag to Sheamus. Rolling sentons on both men. Anderson counters a Cloverleaf. Cesaro tags himself in with a top rope cross body for 2. All four men find their way to the floor. It’s a cluster fuck of shit with New Day in the middle of it. New Day throwing down with the other two teams. This match is going to be a no contest after 10:00.
Kofi tries to dive onto Cesaro and Sheamus but they catch him and launch Kofi into New Day.
No contest. Although no announcement is made and the announcers have no idea what this means. I assume it will be a Triple Threat match. Crowd is silent.
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They confirm it. The tag title match will be a triple threat next week.
– CHARLOTTE APOLOGIZES TO RIC FLAIR –
Dana Brooke is MIA this week. Not complaining, just sayin. Charlotte says she made a mistake when she sent away Ric Flair. She plays the video from 6 months ago and calls herself a cold-hearted bitch of a daughter. She needs the WWE. She needs the title. She’s sorry. She calls her dad out there.
Out comes Ric Flair. Wooo. Charlotte smiles and hugs her daddy. Then Charlotte SLAPS THE FUCK OUT OF RIC FLAIR. Ric takes a bump on his ass into the corner. Charlotte khunts it out on her daddy. She shits on him for turning on her and raising Sasha’s hand last week. Fuck you old man.
Sasha Banks comes rushing out to confront Charlotte but Charlotte beats down Banks and picks her up into a powerbomb and drives Sasha’s face into the ring post.
Ric Flair cries. She mocks her father while she lays the dead Banks at the feet of the nature Boy.
What a khunt.
Fin.
