THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 26, 2016
ALLSTATE ARENA – CHICAGO, IL
Hey guys, hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. It’s the final Raw of 2016. Thank God for that!
* Last week on Raw, Braun Strowman got pushed beyond his level of usefulness and pretty much killed everyone in his way. All he wanted was Sami Zayn but that somehow led to him attacking Rollins and Reigns.
– STEPHANIE MCMAHON / ROLLINS / REIGNS SEGMENT –
Steph mentions Mick Foley isn’t here. The crowd immediately busts out a ‘CM PUNK’ chant and Stephanie responds. She tells the fans that if they can chant that for another 2:15 that their chant will last longer than Punk did. WOWWWWWWW. Fuck you khunt!
Vince must call an audible and sends Seth Rollins out a minute into the promo. Faster than usual. Rollins shits on Triple H for being a coward and not answering his challenges. Seth knows Triple H isn’t here but he wants to fight Braun Strowman.
Now we have Roman Reigns joining in the ring. Crowd boos the fucking shit out of Reigns and chants “please don’t talk’ and ‘CM Punk’. Reigns wants Strowman too. This crowd despises Reigns.
Stephanie teases reuniting all three Shield members tonight for one night only. The crowd bites it hook, line, and sinker and pops like mad. That’ll be hard since Ambrose is at MSG tonight. Steph then tells the fans they’re suckers and fell for it and tough shit cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
Instead, Stephanie books Rollins vs. Strowman, and informs Reigns that he will defend his U.S. Title tonight against a challenger of her choice to be named later. Right now we have a tag team title rematch.
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– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. NEW DAY –
Fans holding up a “Cesarow” sign. Get it? Cesaro – Row. Cesarow. Well I thought it was clever.
Looks like we have Kofi and Woods as the challengers here. This is the first time I remember Big E sitting out. Woods about knocks Sheamus sill when the match starts for a quick cover but can’t keep him down. New Day is aggressive as all fuck. First knocking Sheamus around and then a rapid fire assault on Cesaro in the corner. Cesaro and Woods battle when Sheamus grabs Woods from behind and sends him backwards over the top to the floor. Raw takes a break here.
Raw rolls on. Champs still have control. Woods sidesteps Cesaro and guides him to the floor. Xavier with a tornado DDT off the bottom rope to the floor. Damn!
Sheamus tags in and Kofi gets a hot tag. Kingston with a running flying somersault dive to the floor on Cesar. Kofi and Sheamus botch some shit which results in Kingston hitting SOS for a 2 count. Woods tags back, walks the rope and hits the top rope elbow on Sheamus for another close count.
Now Cesaro tags in. Cesaro Swing on Woods. Big E distracts to allow Kofi to interfere but Cesaro drops Woods and catches Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise and turns that into a Swing. Kofi botches another move, a springboard which leads to a sloppy catch by Cesaro. Cesaro has to put Kofi down and pick him back up to press him outside onto Big E. Kofi is all sorts of fucking up here.
Woods tries a sneak school boy on Cesaro but only gets a 2 count. Woods roaring elbow on Cesaro. Woods sets up for the Honor Roll on Cesaro but flips right into a BROGUE KICK. This one is over in 10:00. Not bad for 10:00 at all.
Winners are Sheamus & Cesaro
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* TO THE BROCK LESNAR VIDEO. We’re taking a look at what could be waiting for Goldberg at the Rumble. I guess the other 28 guys are irrelevant. Goldberg returns live next week.
* To the Abominable Strowman. Backstage crew is running away from him. Strowman walks into Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. They try and con Strowman into taking out Rollins and Reigns for them while thinking he was doing it for himself. Owens claims Strowman would be next in line for a Universal Title shot once Rollins and Reigns are out of the way. Jericho riles Strowman up by telling him a bunch of shit Seth and Roman supposedly said. Strowman calls them crap. Hah
* To the Troof Dust and Bayley. Bayley has a present for Goldust. Troof gets a hug as a present. Goldust gets a teddy bear with Dusty’s polka dot outfit. The crowd pops. Gigantic ‘DUSTY’ chant.
Gallow and Anderson now interrupt. They rip the head off of Dusty bear. GOLDUST IS FUCKING PISSED. So am I. Fucking Vince.
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* To last week. After deciding to make Sasha Banks tap out twice on PPV, Banks shows up at Raw, questions herself, then takes a beat down by seeping fat fuck Nia Jax.
– NIA JAX VS. SCARLETT –
Dude. I love me some plus sized models but I ain’t having none of this lard bucket. So this jobber bitch is wearing a Sasha Banks shirt and says she’s her role model. Nia rips the poor girl apart. Dangerous corner splashes with Scarlett’s throat on the buckle. Fall away Samoan drop ends this one in a minute.
Winner is Nia Jax
Jax tells Scarlett to choose a better role model and then drops a fat thigh on her face.
Jax is absolutely fucking horrible. She moves like a very non-athletic fat shit. She even has trouble getting up off the mat and looks like shit when she tries to cover. She is nowhere near ready for TV, not even NXT TV. Fast tracked for her size and her family heritage. Bullshit.
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* To the Stephanie. She has just made some type of deal with Charlotte. They shake hands and Charlotte leaves. Owens and Jericho stomp in. Jericho is upset Mick Foley put Jericho in a shark cage at the Rumble. Jericho asks for the U.S. title match against Reigns tonight. Stephanie gives it to Owens instead. Jericho doesn’t seem happy about that. Jealousies a mother fucker.
– BAYLEY AND CHARLOTTE SEGMENT –
Back to back segments for the ladies. Bayley is out to address her future. She’s pinned Charlotte 3 times and says she’s now the #1 contender. Bayley has wanted to be WWE champion since she was a kid.
To the Charlotte Flair. Charlotte has the finish of last week’s match replayed. It’s clear that Charlotte’s left shoulder is off the mat when the referee counts 3. Charlotte and her lawyers talked to Stephanie. The victory from last week no longer counts. Wow. It’s that easy? Every match ever should be overturned for a variety of reasons if that’s the case.
Now the back and forth shit starts. Charlotte announces that Bayley will have her rematch right now. The lawyers worked it out to where Charlotte can pick the referee. She picks.. Dana Brooke. Crowd goes noiseless for the first time tonight. Let Brooke kill the crowd.
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– WOMEN’S CHAMPIONS CHARLOTTE VS. BAYLEY –
This is a non title match but if Bayley wins she earns a title shot. Dana Brooke is the referee. Dana causes trouble almost immediately and takes the Bayley to Belly. Isn’t that a DQ? A new official comes out to continue the match. I still say this is a DQ. Bayley controls the next few minutes with some of her signature offense and a cross body gets 2. Charlotte takes over and drives Bayley’s face into the middle buckle. Bayley to Belly out of nowhere! 1..2..Dana Brooke pulls the referee out of the ring! Dana says she’s the ref.
Bayley chases Dana around ringside and into the ring. Charlotte rolls her up and Dana with a fast count. Charlotte wins with her feet on the ropes so look for that to be overturned NEXT WEEK. Match was 5:00. No substance, just an angle.
Winner is Charlotte
* Braun Strowman is killing people. Stephanie asks him to focus on Rollins. Strowman says he is multi-tasking LMAO. He wants Rollins and Zayn. Steph says to worry about Seth tonight and Braun can wrestle Sami next week. Braun wants Zayn in a Last Man Standing match next week. His wish is granted. She asks Strowman to kill Rollins like he plans to kill Zayn.
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– NEVILLE VS. TJ PERKINS –
Austin Aries replaces Byron on commentary for this Cruiser match. Perkins better have ‘MAX HEALTH’ here because he’s facing the Triple H of the cruisers. The jacked up Neville, who is twice as thick as any other cruiser. I’d be curious to know Neville’s real weight. Things pick up fast. Perkins with some nice moves byt completely whiffs on a spin kick, which Neville sells anyway. Perkins with a corkscrew plancha on Neville to the floor. Cross body inside gets 2. Crowd chants for Aries instead of the match. Perkins misses a sliding dropkick and Neville with an jumping kick sends TJ to the floor.
Neville rams Perkins upside down into the barricade. Perkins escapes chinlock and does some unique flippy shit. Perkins with a Double Chickenwing into a Codebreaker. Fuck. That only gets 2. Detonation kick connects on Neville. Perkins tries the rolling knee bar, but Neville hangs on and hooks the tights. Heel Neville wins without any flashy shit. That’ll get him over. Match was 4:00.
Winner is Neville
Neville promo. He says America doesn’t like his accent, or his face, or his size. I think he’s shooting on Vince. He blames America for not appreciating him. Tomorrow on 205 Live Neville faces Rich Swann for the Cruiserweight title. Neville is the King of the cruisers.
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– ENZO & BIG CASS SEGMENT –
Cass is pushing Enzo out in a wheelchair after what happened between Enzo and Rusev/Jobber Mahal last week. Enzo does his usual entrance routine in the wheelchair. Spins and all. Enzo calls out Rusev and Mahal. With Enzo hurt, Cass calls out Rusev for a match.
Rusev and Lana come out first, followed by Jobber Mahal.
Before a match can starts, Mahal slaps Enzo in the wheelchaie before the match. BUT ENZO JUMPS OUT OF THE WHEEL CHAIR AND PULLS MAHAL OFF THE APRON!
Rusev tries to attacks Big Cass in the ring but Cass fights back and drops Rusev. Enzo puts Mahal in the wheel chair. ENZO ROCKET LAUNCHER OFF THE ROPES ONTO MAHAL IN THE WHEELCHAIR ON THE FLOOR. Hah. Cool.
Cass lands a big boot on Rusev to finish things off.
No match here. For the best.
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– THE SHINING STARS VS. DARREN YOUNG & BO DALLAS –
Bob Backlund is with Bo and Darren. They all graduates sensitivity training last week. This feels like a Braun Strowman segment. This can’t be a real match.
AND THERE HE IS
Wow. This shit is so predictable.
The ECW booking continues.
Strowman carries a Xhristmas tree to ringside. Bo runs at him and eats the tree. Strowman kills Primo on the apron. Darren Young gets ran over. Epico whacks Braun with a chair. No sold and Epico gets killed next. Then Darren Young is thrown into Bob Backlund outside. Then Strowman throws the fucking steps at three of the guys.
‘THANK YOU STROWMAN’ chants begin.
No Contest
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– SETH ROLLINS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
I predict springboard knees a plenty in this one. Rollins hits Strowman with everything he has right away taking Braun outside. But Strowman rushes in and runs all over Rollins. Strowman takes an enzuigiri. Strowman misses a shoulder charge in the corner. Here they come. One springboard knee from Seth. A second springboard knee. Strowman catches Seth on a third one, but Seth is able to fight away and nail the Blockbuster! Rollins tries for the Pedigree but gets backdropped to the floor.
Strowman runs Seth over on the floor and rolls him back inside. SAMI ZAYN’S MUSIC HITS! Strowman looks for Zayn in the aisle, but Sami launches himself off the steps from behind and rams Braun into the post. Strowman chases Zayn off through the crowd VERY SLOWLY. Match went 4:00
Winner is Braun Strowman on DQ
Last 3 segments we had a match that never happened. Another match that technically happened but really didn’t, and now a 4:00 DQ. The Raw writing quality fell apart a while back and they just don’t give a fuck about the quality of the wrestling anymore. Nobody watches a wrestling show for wrestling. Yes Vince, that’s why your ratings fucking blow.
Chris Jericho sneaks in. Codebreaker on Rollins after the match. And a second Codebreaker.
Seth requires four officials to help him up. The announcers sell it like Rollins has been killed.
* To the Kevin Owens, who is proud of his best friend Jericho who just took out Rollins for the night. Which means Owens will not have interference from Rollins in the U.S. Title match tonight. So two Codebreakers are now death?
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* TO THE EMMALINA! We get a new video and EMMALINA SPEAKS. Her debut will be worth the wait.
– GOLDUST AND R-TRUTH VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
Troof gets to rap his entire Golden Troof rap, complete with Goldust bouncing ball and lyrics. Goldust be pissed and goes off on Anderson. Dust with a beat down on Karl in the corner. Troof be taggin in son. Troof hits his stuff. Gallows tags in and he boots Troof out of his shoes. The club guys put some heat on Troofy. Anderson with the flying boot for 2. Troof with a heel kick on Gallows and Goldust gets the hot tag. Of course he does, you have to job Dusty’s son.
Goldust goes off like a one man gang. Snap Powerslam on Anderson and he beats the shit out of him on the floor. Bulldog on Anderson. Gallows comes in to attack but Goldust sends him outside. Anderson rolls Goldy up and grabs the tights for the win after 3:30.
Winners are Gallows and Anderson
Didn’t we just see the hook the tights shit a few segments ago? And the foot on the ropes before that. Fucking TRY and be creative.
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Ya know, for this being RAW they sure as hell are plugging the fuck out of Smackdown tomorrow. Cena promos everywhere and they keep hyping the card.
Must be some more Cruiser shit coming because there’s like 20 minutes until the main event and I can’t think of anyone left to put on TV.
Wow did I call that shit.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION RICH SWANN VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
Austin Aries back on commentary. Daivari on top to start things out. Swann with some really cool looking counters. Daivari with a fucking wicked looking neckbreaker. Daivari misses a frog splash. Swann now controls. Double stomp to the spine. Back spin kick knocks Daivari out in 1:30.
Winner is Rich Swann
After the match Charly Caruso interviews Swann about Neville’s challenge from earlier. Swann agrees to the match tomorrow on 205 Live.
NEVILLE ATTACKS SWANN. SWANN UPSIDE DOWN INTO THE SIDE OF THE RING. Holy shit. Neville drags Swann into the ring. Red Arrow onto Swann’s injured back.
Great sell job by Swann. Great facials from Neville. Well done. Even if the crowd doesn’t give two shits.
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* To the Daivari. Charly Caruso talks to Daivari about his loss. He blames Jack Gallagher for this loss because he was worried about his interference. The real Jack Gallagher interrupts in an old timey British suit. So awesome. He asks Daivari to stop calling him a ‘scoundrel’. Daivari refuses. Jack challenges Daivari to a DUEL. Gallagher then slaps Daivari with a glove. I love this shit.
* A look at Goldberg’s return to WWE. He returns to Raw next week.
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– U.S. CHAMPION ROMAN REIGNS VS. KEVIN OWENS –
Only Roman’s title is on the line. Because we haven’t seen this shit enough. They’re fighting at Rumble but lets kill them with it beforehand. This crowd hates Roman Reigns more than usual. I support that. After some feeling each other out Reigns takes control. Roman is looking good when Jericho’s music hits. Jericho comes to ringside and this distracts Roman. Owens plants a nice DDT for a near fall. The match goes to commercial with Jericho now at ringside.
Raw rolls on. After the final break Reigns takes over with his clotheslining shit. Ruynning clothesline. Jumping clothesline. Clotheslines in the corner. It never ends. Until Owens superkicks Reigns in the face. And a Cannon Ball in the corner gets a close fall.
An Owens chinlock leads to a ‘CM Punk’ chant. Reigns finally frees himself. Owens winds up sending Reigns outside but Roman nails a Drive By. Back to the clotheslines is Reigns. Samoan Drop gets 2 on Owens. KO drops Reigns throat over the top rope and hits a Back Stabber for a near fall. Reigns holds onto the ropes to prevent a pop up powerbomb. The two trade shots.
Reigns with a sit out powerbomb on Owens gets 2 and a half. KO ducks a superman punch, roll up gets 2. Reigns connects this time with the Superman Punch and it gets 2. Jericho distracts Reigns. Owens hits a CODEBREAKER on Reigns. 1..2..Reigns kicks out!
Seth Rollins comes running down. Pedigree on Jericho. Owens superkicks Rollins outside. KO slides back in and runs right into the shitty ass spear. Roman Reigns wins in 16:00.
Winner is Reigns
Do not tell me this is going to be the fucking Rusev booking all over again where Reigns wins every match up to the blowoff and then wins that too. Vince still has no fucking clue why everyone hates Reigns. Stop force feeding the horseshit and let the guy lose a little.
Rollins and Reigns take out KO & Jericho after the match. Pedigree on Owens. Spear on Jericho outside.
Horse Shit.
Happy 2017 Everyone! Hopefully Raw will improve.
