THE WWE RAW REPORT
DECEMBER 19, 2016
SCHOTTENSTEIN CENTER – COLUMBUS, OH
* Tiz the Season! It’s the Holiday edition of Raw because they can’t say Christmas. Fuuuuuck that. MERRY CHRISTMAS! And if that offends you get the fuck out of my country. I don’t get upset of someone wishes me Happy Hanukkah. Makes no sense. “Happpy Holidays” Pfffff. It’s just whiny people that have nothing in their life and looking to feel “important” by bitching about something. Fucking cure cancer, help feed the homeless, do something RELEVANT you fucks. OK, rant over. For now. 😉
– KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO INTERVIEW –
The BFF’s are already in the ring as they brag about Owens retaining his title last night all thanks to Chris Jericho. Owens says Jericho fooled everyone, even KO. KO should have never doubted Jericho’s friendship. Jericho gives KO the ‘Hug of Jericho’ to prove their friendship. Then they start to dig into Santa Claus. Santa is a ‘Stupid Idiot’ and he makes Jericho’s list.
That doesn’t sit well with MICK FOLEY. Foley is hobbling to the ring as he gets ready for hip surgery. I can’t believe they forced him to work the PPV and tonight because he looks terrible and can barely walk. Foley reminds them that Jeri-KO were put through tables after the main event last night.
Foley shows off the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen. There’s a tag team match tonight between Jericho & Owens vs. Rollins & Reigns. Yuck. FOLEY CALLS COLUMBUS ‘PITTSBURGH, PA’. Which gets boooooos. Foley corrects himself. He’s in Columbus. What a fuck nugget.
Foley lowers a ‘Shark Cage’ from the ceiling. He says Jericho will be in the shark cage…… at the Royal Rumble, where Reigns will face Owens in a title rematch. Jericho calls the cage flimsy and tries it out. Foley locks Chris inside. Foley digs into his fanny pack for the key to the lock but he can’t find it. Vince McMahon style comedy follows when Jericho is sent up towards the ceiling in the cage and Foley has misplaced the key. Jericho is stuck in the cage as the show goes to break.
Owens and Foley were bad in this segment. Owens would say things and get no response. Jericho would repeat the same line and get a pop from it. Not Foley’s best stuff either, or anywhere near it. The end result of the segment you could see coming forever and they still dragged it out. I thought it was pretty yawn. Kids might enjoy it.
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* To the Jeri-KO. Jericho has been released from the cage. He and Owens are backstage. Jericho is hyperventilating or some shit.
– BIG CASS VS. RUSEV –
Enzo and Lana are out there. These guys worked the PPV preshow last night. It was bad then it’ll suck now. Cass stomps Rusev into the corner and won’t stop beating on him. Cass has snapped and gets disqualified in 1:00.
Rusev finally frees himself and runs off through the crowd. Ya bitch.
Winner is Rusev by DQ
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– SASHA BANKS INTERVIEW –
Sasha walks to the ring with her knee in a brace and using a crutch. Sasha makes mention of her history with Charlotte as far as gimmick matches go. Banks tapped twice last night and it broke her heart to do it. Sasha says she doesn’t feel like a BOSS anymore. Wow Vince, kill her some more. Sasha has respect for Charlotte and asks her to come out to congratulate her.
Instead we get Nia Jax. Fuck me. Not literally. This hippo is getting fatter every week. That’s coming from a guy who likes them a little thick. But this bitch is just fat and shitty and only has a job because of the Rock. Did you see her at Survivor Series? She doesn’t even belong in NXT much less on Raw.
Jax says Banks will never be her Boss. She calls Sasha weak and a little girl. Jax kicks the crutch out from under Banks and Sasha falls. Jax smacks around Banks and throws her upside down into the ropes. Jax calls herself the Boss. She teases hitting Banks with the crutch but then just leaves.
That was.. Shit.
Sasha gets none of her heat back. Then she shits on herself. Then Fat Hams Magee buries her some more. Fuck it all.
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* To the champs. Cesaro and Sheamus speak with Mick Foley. He’s happy they won the titles like he told them they could. Foley reveals the NEW Raw Tag Team Titles. They still look like shit but they’re better than those other shits.
Braun Strowman is storming around backstage and destroying random people. Mick Foley has to confront him. Braun is pissed and he wants Sami Zayn. Foley says Zayn is not here, he is 100 miles away. Strowman says he wants Zayn or else. Not this shit again.
– CEDRIC ALEXANDER VS. NOAM DAR –
Looks like Austin Aries is on commentary. So Cedric is with Alicia Fox now. Cedric is probably one of the better cruisers but instead of being put in a good position he gets stuck in a fucking storyline with Alicia Fox where he loses every week. Fucking brilliant writing. I guess asking for the cruisers to be used better is about impossible though. Dar beat Cedric 2 weeks ago on 205 Live. I watched it and didn’t even remember. Shows you how quality their stories are. Cedric does a back flip into a head scissors and this shit goes to commercial as soon as it starts. No lying.
Raw rolls on. Dar takes bumps like a tumbler. Dar misses some top rope shit and Cedric on the offense. Handspring enzuigiri by Cedric. Lumbar Check. This shit is over in 5:00. 90 seconds may have been shown.
Winner is Cedric Alexander.
So you have a 1:00 DQ match. Now you have a match they may have shown 90 seconds of. Crowd don’t give a fuck either.
Noam Dar takes the microphone after the loss. Dar says they both have a win over each other but Cedric still has Fox. Noam Dar wants Fox for Christmas. Cedric don’t like the shit he be talkin.
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– NEW DAY / CESARO & SHEAMUS INTERVIEW –
New Day are out to the ring first. They congratulate Cesaro. The new champions follow them out. Cesaro and Sheamus bitch with each other. This didn’t take long. Spend all those months building them up and then immediately drag them right back down. Sheamus takes all the credit. Sheamus says he will crush New Day’s 483 day record. The two teams go back and forth.
Finally GALLOWS AND ANDERSON interrupts this waste of time shit. Well that didn’t last long.
Now the SHINING STARS are out. And whatever positive that could have come out of Gallows and Anderson is squashed right away with comedy. The Colons are selling the teams on their resort. This is fucking gay.
It leads to the 4 teams fighting and it looks like we’re getting a shit fuck 8 man tag match of doom when we return.
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– NEW DAY, CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. GALLOWS, ANDERSON, SHINING STARS –
Kofi holding his own with the Shining Stars when the match starts. Gallows and Anderson ground Kofi and the heel team gets the heat. Kofi almost gets a hot tag but he’s stopped at the last second and the heels continue their heat on Kofi. Raw goes to break.
Raw rolls on. Kofi still getting his ass handed to him. Nobody on Kofi’s team has even been in the match yet. Finally a hot tag out to Big E. Anderson takes a triplet of belly to bellies. Big E tries the splash but Sheamus tags himself in. Cesaro and Sheamus do a shitty ass White Noise double team. Now everybody starts hitting all their shit on one another. Cesaro Swing on Epico. Epico submits to the Sharpshooter. That was Kofi taking a beating for 10:00, spotfest for a minute and a shitty finish.
Winners are New Day, Cesaro, SHAME-ASS
This is the very definition of filler. Nobody needs Sheamus on the TV for 30 minutes.
To the Enzo & Cass. Enzo thinks he’s costing Cass wins. Cass doesn’t think so. Enzo is handed a letter. Enzo must attend mandatory sensitivity training tonight because he exposed himself on Raw. This has to be fucking Vince humor.
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– NEVILLE / RICH SWANN / KENDRICK INTERVIEW –
Evil Beard Neville looks like a small version of a jacked up Triple H. There’s no fucking way he’s anywhere near the weight of these cruiser guys. This is going to doom him but I’ll enjoy him. Neville points out the fans cheered him last night and says the fans only cheered him in the past because they pitied him and sympathized with his size. Neville is going to OBLITERATE the cruiser division.
To the RICH SWANN. Swanny asks what happened to Neville. Neville wants respect as the king of the cruiserweights. Swann points out that he’s the champion and not Neville.
THE Brian Kendrick emerges. He defends Neville. Neville and Kendrick are on the same page. They earned their opportunities but Swann didn’t. The two evil guys corner Swann. Rich nails Neville but Kendrick pops Swann. Neville beats on Swann.
To the PERKINS. TJ comes running out and runs right into a Neville enzuigiri. That was quick. Neville beats the shit out of Perkins now.
Neville leaves in disgust.
Kendrick decides to hit Sliced Bread #2 on Perkins for the fuck of it.
* To the Sensitivity Training course. It’s Jinder Mahal, Bo Dallas, Bob Backlund, Darren Young, and Enzo Amore. Shitty comedy. VERY shitty comedy. This shit will continue. Fucking joyous.
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– SIN CARA VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
Two jobbers, no entrance. I guess Cara is out of the cruiser division. Like it matters. This must be the Braun Strowman segment. Yep. It is. That didn’t take 15 seconds. Strowman comes out and smashes both jobbers. O’Neil gets laid out. Strowman carries Cara up the ring ramp.
Mick Foley comes out and asks Braun to put Cara down but Braun says he told Foley OR ELSE. Strowman flings Cara off the stage through a Christmas Tree and a hundred presents. Safe bump but it looked cool. Strowman then destroys the Christmas trees on the stage. Cara lays dead while they call for a stretcher. Foley looks down at the carnage.
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To the Jeri-KO. Owens tells Jericho to calm down. Chris can’t calm down from earlier with the cage. They get psyched for their match. Rollins and Reigns are going to get IT.
– CHARLOTTE FLAIR / BAYLEY INTERVIEW –
I’m glad Dana Brooke is gone from the Charlotte equation but can we keep it that way. Bitch just keeps appearing and disappearing as it becomes necessary. Charlotte makes fun of what happened with Sasha earlier. Charlotte rants a bit too long. She shits on Ohio State to get cheap heat.
To the BAYLEY. Charlotte says Bayley doesn’t belong in her ring. Bayley thinks it’s time for a Charlotte/Bayley rivalry to begin. No thought at all put into this. Charlotte says she’s #1 and Bayley is #4 in the Horsewomen and that’s why Bayley came much later than the other 3. Bayley says she beat Charlotte twice and she can do it again. Charlotte agrees to a match. It’s next.
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– WOMEN’S CHAMPION CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. BAYLEY –
First five minutes is….. not their best stuff. Bayley spins around on Charlotte’s back, riding her and just making her a bitch. Charlotte bails. Raw to the commercials.
Raw rolls on. Charlotte has Bayley’s ass in a bear trap. Bayley breaks free but we get a double clothesline. Bayley starts hitting all of her signature stuff. Bayley goes to the second rope but Charlotte pulls her off and across the top rope. Charlotte lays Bayley out and heads up top for the Moonsault. CONNECTS! BAYLEY KICKS OUT OF THE MOONSAULT.
Bayley almost steals the win when she rolls a shocked Charlotte up. Charlotte starts laying in the chops. Bayley ducks a chop and does the backlside. BAYLEY WINS in 14:00.
Winner is Bayley.
Bayley beats Charlotte for a third time. Match was ho-hum most of the way and sloppy offense from Bayley late. Even the backslide took too long to get flat on the mat and it killed the whole quick pin idea.
The announcers point out Charlotte got her shoulder up before the three but the decision will stand.
* Sensitivity shit continues. It’s role reversal time. Darren Young and Bob Backlund start. Enzo and Jinder’s turn. Enzo uses this time to mock Jinder. Mahal takes his turn shitting on Enzo.
So Enzo gets stuck feuding with a dark match jobber.
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* To the EMMALINA. She was supposed to be here like two weeks ago. Now we’re back to ‘soon’.
* To the Sensitivity. They all graduate. Enzo hits on the teacher. RUSEV AND JINDER MAHAL attack Enzo. Enzo takes yet another pointless fucking beat down. Mahal is added to the story to make it a tag match and have a job guy. Rusev holds up Enzo so Lana can slap him. Urinage through a table finishes off Enzo.
There is no fucking way in the entire world you can get me to believe that someone pitched that idea and thought it would help Enzo in any way, shape or form. Fucking bullshit.
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– SETH ROLLINS / ROMAN REIGNS VS. CHRIS JERICHO / KEVIN OWENS –
The heels get the jump and work over Rollins early. Seth battles back and hits a slingblade on Jericho. Reigns tags in. Reigns hammers on Jericho. The faces work on Jericho with Reigns eventually taking the heat. Looooong heat. Reigns finally a Samoan drop on Owens and ROllisn tags in. Blockbuster on Jericho. Rollins with a neckbreaker and DDT simultaneous spot. Jericho blocks the Pedigree but Seth hits an enzuigiri. Suicide dive onto both Jericho and Owens. Flying knee to Jericho. Seth tries a Frog Splash but lands on Jericho’s knees. Walls of Jericho on Rollins. Superman Punch aids in the break.
WHAT THE FUCK?
BRAUN STROWMAN ATTACKS REIGNS. DQ.
Winners Reigns and Rolls on a DQ
I watched that shit for 20 minutes and then Braun Strowman interferes?
Strowman lays out Reigns on the floor. Lays out Rollins in the ring. And Reigns again in the ring.
Jericho and Owens are happy about how this played out.
Braun mad. Raw bad. Me sad.
