THE WWE RAW REPORT
APRIL 3, 2017
THE AMWAY CENTER – ORLANDO, FL
Well guys, it’s THAT Raw. The day after WrestleMania Raw. Usually, there’s surprises, debuts, returns, and all that good stuff. Let’s see what they throw at us this year. Oh, and the crowd is usually rowdy as fuck. So we’ll see how that plays out too. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little drained of wrestling energy after that fucking marathon show from last night known as Mania, but I’m going to try and power through this shit anyway.
* Pictures of the Reigns vs. Taker match with audio clips inserted opens Raw. Pan to the live crowd chanting “Under-Taker” for an EXTREMELY LONG fucking time. Like SEVERAL FUCKING MINUTES long. The chant eventually turns into dueling “Under-Taker” “Roman Sucks” chants. This fucking shit goes on for like 4 minutes. Pretty cool shit. And then comes the inevitable…..
– ROMAN REIGNS OPENS RAW –
Well, they went right after the big shitty elephant in the room. Reigns is boo’d out of the building as you’d expect. He comes out looking cocky like a fucking no good punk bitch jabroni. Fuck this doucher. And no, I’m not an Undertaker mark, i just think this fuck doesn’t deserve and hasn’t earned what’s being handed to him.
All the fans start DELETING Reigns. LMAO.
HOLY SHIT! A “FUCK YOU ROMAN” chant. WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Followed by more “Deleting” and “You SUCK” chants. We’re ten minutes into Raw and they’ve been relentless to this fuck. “ASSHOLE” chants. HOLY FUCK THIS RULES.
They won’t let Roman talk. “Roman Sucks”. Every time he tries to speak there’s booing and more chants. “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and he hasn’t even spoken!!!!!!!!!!! This is fucking awesome.
“GO AWAY” chants.
He finally speaks…….. “THIS IS MY YARD NOW”.
GIGANTIC BOOS follow. Roman drops the mic and walks off. Thirteen minutes of Roman bashing. I loved every second.
Of course they immediately go to Michael Cole who has to explain that these aren’t the “normal fans”, which I assume means these fans aren’t the prototype WWE fan. Basically shitting on these fans. Fuck you powers that be, you’re the one that’s out of touch not the fucking fans. Shove it up your ass.
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#notmyromanreigns is trending, wonder if they will mention that one.
– RAW TAG CHAMPIONS THE HARDY BOYZ VS. GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
For some fucking reason Gallows has dyed the tip of his beard red??? Hardys are back but I hate that they’re using the old music and Jeff is basically back to old WWE Jeff Hardy. At least Matt is keeping some of his gimmick.
It’s all Hardy Boyz early. Anderson escapes a Twist of Fate but gets sent to the floor. A double clothesline sends Gallows to the floor as well. Matt Hardy calls for a DELETE. Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. That break felt longer than usual. Gallows has Matt in their challengers corner. Double teaming on Matt. “FUCK THAT OWL” chant, bwhaha TNA. “Obsolete” chant. Announcer just ignoring the chants now. Gallows with a giant boot to Matt but he misses an elbow. Mat hot tags it to Jeff.
Jeff does a lot of his signature spots on Gallows. To the floor. Jeff uses the steel steps for Poetry in Motion against the barricade on Gallows. They get back in the ring but Anderson distraction lets Gallows crotch Jeff. BOOT OF DOOM. 1–2–HARDY KICKS OUT! Near fall.
Looking for the Magic Killer. Matt pulls Anderson to the floor. Jeff with a Twist of Fate on Gallows. Matt also with a Twist of Fate on Gallows. Swanton Bomb ends it after 10:00.
Winners are the Hardys
Jeff almost UNDERSHOT the Swanton and landed really short. Some sloppy work by Jeff all around but I’ll give him a pass this week.
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* To the King of the Cruiserweights. Neville has beaten Austin Aries. He says Aries is a better talker than fighter. You can’t deny Neville’s results. Tomorrow on 205 Live, Neville will have a proper celebration for his Mania victory, but tonight…
Mustafa Ali’s music interrupts Neville’s promo and for the first time tonight the crowd doesn’t give a shit about someone. What a shit choice for tonight.
– CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION NEVILLE VS. MUSTAFA ALI –
Ali wins the fans over early with flips and flying ranas. A unique spin kick takes Neville to the floor and a diving moonsault to Neville outside. Of course they no sell everything and race back into where Neville takes over. Neville beats down Ali and flings him to the floor for a commercial.
Raw rolls on. Ali stuns Neville with a well placed dropkick and rolling neckbreaker gets 2. Crowd is worked out about a beach ball. See, shit like that is where I can’t defend idiot crowds. Neville with a fucking nasty Saito Suplex. Clothesline turns Ali for a 360. “Beach Ball Mania” chant while Ali connects with a SPRINBOARD SPANISH FLY. Stupid fucking fans. REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER ON NEVILLE. HOLY SHIT Satellite DDT. 1–2– Neville gets his foot on the rope!
Ali misses the inverted 450. Neville with Red Arrow, no , fuck those fans. Neville just climbs down and locks in the Rings of Saturn instead. Bwaha. Ali taps in 11:00.
Winner is Neville
This is where the fans become the show instead of voicing their thoughts on the product. The fans came off as trash here, chanting retarded things about beach balls while two guys were doing the biggest spots you could possibly do. A springboard Spanish Fly AND a reverse Frankensteiner, but all the fans were worried about was chanting about beach balls. Focus on the product you fuck bags, go back to where you came from Euro Trash.
* To the Limo. IT’S VINCE MCMAHON! AND HE’S NEXT!
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– VINCE MCMAHON ANNOUNCEMENT SEGMENT –
Vince loves the fans chanting his music. “Roman Sucks” chants right out of the gate. Vince thanks the fans for being passionate. Vince announces that there will be a DRAFT next week.
Vince then wants to address Rollins sending HHH into Stephanie, thus knocking her off the apron through a table. Stephanie is out of action for a while. YES YES YES YES YES YES. Fans Delete McMahon. Vince eggs the fans on. They shit on Stephanie and delete her.
The show must go on, Vince announces the new GM… He’s the latest Hall of Famer..
Teddy Long’s music hits! Teddy thinks it’s him.
Vince gets pissed and cuts his music. He makes Teddy stop dancing. It’s not Teddy damn it! Teddy is sad, his bad. Holla! Long leaves.
Nope.
It’s KURT ANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goody, we can finally finish the Angle, Steph, HHH love triangle story.
Vince hands the mic to Kurt and leaves the ring.
Angle says it’s great to be back on Monday Night Raw. Oh it’s true. It’s Damn true.
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* TO THE NEW DAY PROMO. They want back into the tag team title fold. They issue an open challenge. Challenge accepted by…
– NEW DAY VS. THE REVIVAL –
The Revival answers the challenge. Are you fucking KIDDING ME? Raw has SIX top teams now? Smackdown barely has fucking 2. Fuck that. Revival make their main roster debut, and on the wrong show if you ask me. The guys make their way out and the match is on. Big E and Woods are the legal members of New Day tonight. Satellite head scissors by Woods on Dash. Dawson with a blind tag and a nice old school single-arm DDT. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. It’s all Revival on Woods with crisp tag work. Big E is knocked from the ring. Shatter Machine finisher on Woods ends this in 8 minutes. Never allowed a hot tag. That’s how it’s done!
Winners are Revival
After the match, the Revival attack Kofi Kingston and seemingly “BREAK” Kofi Kingston’s ankle. Good heat to get the Revival going and give them solid guys to work with.
* To the GM Angle with Enzo & Cass. A comedy segment with Enzo and Cass looking for a way to get another title shot. Angle gives them a #1 contender match against Cesaro and Sheamus. They spell Sawft and leave. Angle ponders it and says that’s not how you spell soft. Several great well-timed comedy deliveries in this segment. These comedy segments are going to fucking rule. He’s already destroyed Foley’s time on camera in a throw away comedy segment.
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– BAYLEY / SASHA BANKS / DANA BROOKE VS. CHARLOTTE / NIA JAX / EMMA –
HOLY SHIT IT’S EMMA! IT’S FUCKING HAPPENING. Fuck me Emma!
It’s 6-woman tag action. They still won’t let Dana show her giant monster boobs so she remains unover. Emma starts with Dana. Emma wants Bayley. I want Emma. Emma gets Bayley. Now if only I get Emma. Emma and Bayley have a fun exchange. Emma begins to dominate and the heels take over as Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Heels all over Bayley in their corner. Charlotte knocks Sasha off the apron to prevent a hot tag by Bayley. Hot tag is made on a second try. Banks comes in and takes it to Flair. Double knees in the corner gets 2 for Banks.
Everyone starts to come in. Brooke hits Wasteland on Emma. Jax takes a SHITTY double dropkick bump to the floor. Go away fat flop khunt. Banks escapes Natural Selection and applies the Banks Statement on Charlotte. Flair taps in 10:00.
Winners are Team Bayley
Charlotte is pissed after the match. She shoves Emma, and then Jax. Jax fights back and Emma bails. Nia lays out Charlotte and drops a leg on her. Oh fuck my ass with a spiked dildo, they’re turning this goo fat turn face?
* To the GM Angle with Sami Zayn. Zayn wonders if Angle will send him to Smackdown. Angle doesn’t give him a straight answer but he tells Sami that he has the 3 I’s. Jinder Mahal interrupts, he’s mad about the Battle Royal. They both annoy Kurt until he books them against each other tonight.
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– BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT –
It’s the NEW Universal Champion and his personal adviser. Heyman tells a bed time story about Lesnar defeating Goldberg. I am not typing this long ass story but I think you can get the gist of how the story begins and ends. Heyman says we won’t be seeing Goldberg anymore. Crowd chants YES. The fans thank Brock.
Lesnar is looking for new challengers. Seth Rollins? The crowd boos. Matt Hardy? Jeff Hardy? Both Hardys? That’s happened already 80 years ago. Instead Heyman changes things to talk about Reigns. Brock and Reigns are the only two men to defeat the Undertaker at Mania. Now they must go at it to determine who the big dog really is.
The crowd chants loudly for Balor instead. Heyman has to ignore them. If Reigns is the big dog, then Lesnar is Animal Cruelty. Lesnar wants to give the crowd something they will never forget. Heyman starts to challenge Reigns for tonight.
BRAUN STROWMAN INTERRUPTS. RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR
Braun wants to finish Reigns so Brock will notice Strowman. Braun tells Brock that Lesnar has his attention. He wants the title too. Stare down. Lesnar drops the title and dares Braun to step over the line. Crowd chanting Braun. But instead of stepping over the line, Braun leaves. Well that’s a great way to get someone over. Crowd chants pussy, which is exactly what that made Braun look like.
* To the Y2J. Chris Jericho who name drops Beach Ball Mania to get on the side of the fans. Cheer him on maaaaan. Jericho looking for revenge in tonight’s main event of Jericho/Rollins vs. Samoa Joe/Owens. The tip of Kevin Owens finger makes the list.
Owens attacks Jericho and beats him down. Samoa Joe joins in. Double beat down. Powerbomb through a table. Now Rollins needs a partner. Gee I wonder who that will be.
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* To the trainer’s room. Angle informs Seth that Jericho can’t wrestle tonight. The match is still on. Kurt promises to find Rollins a partner.
– ENZO & CASS VS. SHEAMUS & CESARO –
#1 contender match for the umpteenth time. Winners meet the Hardys. Cesaro schools Enzo, then Cass and Sheamus tag in and fight it out. Sheamus with a spin kick into the corner. Shemus botches two moves in a row. Cass throws Enzo onto Cesaro, and then throws Enzo onto Sheamus. Then Cass throws Enzo onto both men with a dive onto the floor. Things are really sloppy. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Enzo in a chinlock, he escapes but Sheamus with a rolling senton, and a double stomp by Cesaro for 2. Sheamus misses a charge and hits the post. Cesaro and Cass go at it on the floor, Sheamus sliding dropkick sends Cass into the barricade. Cesaro tags in, CESARO SWING on Enzo. Sharpshooter applied. BIG CASS BIG BOOT breaks the hold. Big Boot sends Sheamus off the apron. Cass hot tags in with all of his signature stuff on Cesaro. Crowd boos Cass, they’re solidly behind Cesaro & Sheamus.
They set up for the Rocket Launcher but Sheamus with a Brogue Kick on Cass. Enzo jumps into an uppercut from Cesaro and it’s over in 10:00.
Winners are Sheamus & Cesaro
Sloppy at times to the point where the announcers mention it repeatedly, blaming it on the ladder match effects.
* Kurt Angle searches for Rollins a partner. Who on Earth could he possibly find with 20 minutes notice who happens to be in gear and hours worth of make up.
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– SAMI ZAYN VS. JINDER MAHAL –
These guys get the death spot on the show, right before the main event. Mahal attacks before the match even starts. He jumps Zayn as he tries to enter the ring and goes after him on the floor. Jinder is jacked to the gills so you know Vince is salivating at him. Match starts finally after Jinder beats Zayn down outside. Mahal continues to control. Nice high knee. Mahal runs into an Exploder in the corner. And a Helluva Kick ends this in 2:00.
Winner is Zayn
Mahal dominated, looked good. Zayn hits two moves and wins. They should move Mahal to Smackdown, give him a mid card push and just see what happens. If he makes it great, if not no harm done.
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– SAMOA JOE & KEVIN OWENS VS. SETH ROLLINS & ??????? –
Owens now wants to be known as the “Face of America”.
Samoa Joe sure made an impact at Mania, didn’t he?
Rollins. Well that’s all I got for Seth.
Who will replace Jericho?
It’s Finn Balor, without the gimmick. He’s rolling in his leather jacket and “Balor Club” logo. Kind of kills it for me but whatever. Match is next after a break.
Raw returns with the match in progress. Rollins has Owens in trouble but Joe tags in and the heels get heat on Seth. Rollins ends up sending KO into the buckle and tag to BALOR!
Finn looking for a little revenge on Owens. KO dodges a coup de grace and rolls outside. Balor follows him out with a shotgun dropkick against the barricade. Rollins tags back in with a fucking bad ass suicide dive on Owens down the aisle. Then Rollins with a somersault plancha to the floor on both Joe and KO.
Seth starts to sell his knee and KO goes after it. DDT gets 2 on Rollins. Joe with the enzuigiri in the corner on Seth gets 2. Extended beat down on Rollins by the heels. Knee buster and senton by Joe. Coquina Clutch, Rollins blocks it and drops Joe.
Hot tag to Balor. KO also tags in. Balor puts out Owens, knocks Joe off the apron. KO takes over for a near fall, but Finn comes right back with the Slingblade.
Balor goes for the shotgun dropkick but Joe catches him in the Coquina Clutch. Rollins dives into Joe to break the hold. Finn back on Owens. Coup de Grace ends this in 15:00.
Winners are Balor & Rollins
