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Raw Pre-Show 8/11/14 from WWE Studios
– It’s Byron Saxton, Alex Riley and Booker T in the studios…. We learn that Stephanie McMahon has a “Confession” for Brie Bella on tonight’s episode… John Cena and Brock Lesnar are BOTH in Portland… And they talk SummerSlam from there…
– Renee Young interviews her boyfriend—-errr Dean Ambrose… Dean starts to put over the Lumberjack match for 5 seconds and the video cuts to a test pattern screen and cuts right back to the studio announcers who are already talking again like nothing happened, which leads me to believe this entire studio thing is taped in advance…
– Moving on to a segment on Stephanie vs. Brie. We get a feud video package and they discuss what Stephanie might have to confess tonight. They all think it’s dirt on Brie… Apparently nobody here knows the definition of the word “Confession”…
– A reminder it’s Hulk Hogan’s Birthday Celebration, which just also happens to be the final Raw before SummerSlam. We get the Lesnar/Cena video package from last week. Good video package, especially if you ignore the last 20 times they aired it over the last 7 days… Discussion follows, and then the NFL ripoff “Bold Predicitons”, which should be named “Ludicrous Predictions” considering the nonsense they come up with.
In case you’re wondering, this show was also filled with WWEShop shilling, just wanted to save you the headaches.
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WWE Raw 8/11/14 from the Moda Center in Portland, Oregon
– The stage is filled with Red and Yellow presents… It’s Hulk Hogan’s Birthday don’t ya know? But out first comes Brrrrrock Lesnar with Paul Heyman. Brock sporting a shirt that reads Eat, Sleep, Conquer the Streak with the words John Cena taped over top of “The Streak”. Heyman starts off with some of his usual, good stuff. Paul reminds us of Brock beating Taker by way of image stills. Heyman talks about Brock’s rookie run against The Rock and Hulk Hogan. Now stands John Cena, because when John says “You Can’t See Me”, he ain’t lying because after SummerSlam, you won’t see Cena anymore. Heyman then offers video stills of Lesnar vs. Cena from Extreme Rules in 2012. Apparently the only reason Cena beat Brock last time was because Lesnar was still dealing with diverticulitis, he was only 50%, but this time Lesnar is 100%. To mock Cena, Heyman throws down a rap on John. The fans have to pop for Paul’s work. Heyman calls the WWE, “Brock’s House”.
Heyman says he’s taking Brock out to dinner, but Lesnar will be back later tonight…
Really good promo. Honestly, I don’t thing there is anyone else left that can cut a simple heel vs. face promo besides Heyman and make it entertaining.
John Cena responds later tonight.
Flo Rida and Weird Al Yankovic wish Hulk Hogan a Happy Birthday.
Up next, Roman Reigns wrestles against an opponent picked by the Authority.
-Commercial Break-
– As we get set for the next match, Corporate Kane has returned… Joy… After flubbing his lines, Kane announces Reigns opponents tonight are Rybaxel.
1. Roman Reigns vs. Ryback & Curtis Axel. Handicap match here in case you didn’t notice. Reigns runs over Axel. Reigns does more of the same with Ryback, until he mounts him in the corner and Ryback counters with a Powerbolb to lead us into commercial.
Back from break, Rybaxel in control and cause a deliberate DQ by tossing Reigns into the ring post after being warned. Match went 9:00.
After the match, Reigns comes back and lays out both men. Samoan Drop and apron dropkick on Axel, Reigns posts Ryback and lands a Superman Punch. Superman punch to Axel. Spear to Ryback, Spear to Axel… And there ya go… Now where’s Randy Orton?
– Renee Young interviews Reigns in the ring. The fans cheer loudly when he asks if he looks ready for Randy Orton. He calls Orton a worthless little worm, believe that.
– Backstage Corporate Kane runs into Randy Orton. Kane informs Randy that the Authority has put Orton in a match against Sheamus tonight. You know, Sheamus, the guy who isn’t even scheduled for the PPV.
RVD on his way to the ring for action against the man who was supposed to face last week, Seth Rollins.
-Commercial Break-
2. Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins. Back and forth stuff from the two guys, RVD sets Rollins up to hang across the barricade. RVD comes off the apron with a twisting legdrop but misses and crashes to the floor as we head to a break.
Back from break, Rollins charges into a boot in the corner from RVD, and then misses a splash in the corner. RVD comes back with Rolling Thunder for 2. RVD tries a monkey flip out of the corner, but Rollins holds on and Van Dam takes a bump to the mat, a very shitty bump at that. Rollins comes back with the Curb Stomp for the win in 8:00. This match was surprisingly lackluster.
On his way to the back, Seth Rollins notices there just happens to be a Birthday Present Box for Hogan that 6′ tall, he toys with opening it, but decides against it. Rollins shrugs it off and starts to walk away, when Dean Ambrose busts out of a second gift box and attacks Seth. Rollins gets free and runs off.
Dean Ambrose goes to the ring and cuts a promo on Seth, and makes sure to mention the $9.99 price. That should make you take him seriously.
Well, Stephanie is on her way to the ring for her “Confession” segment, which means they’ve finally learned that this isn’t drawing ratings…
-Commercial Break-
– As Stephanie McMahon makes her way into the ring, we go back to last week when Super Steph destroyed everyone in sight with her well known fighting ability. Stephanie invited Daniel Bryan’s physical therapist, Megan Miller, into the ring. Stephanie asks Megan to “confess”, Megan is against it, but Stephanie calls Megan the victim. Miller says she knows Bryan and Brie very well, but her boyfriend left her because of Bryan. Megan says she can’t be Bryan’s therapist anymore as she begins to make accusations the crowd shits all over it and chants “No”. Megan says it was innocent at first, but that her and Bryan have been having an affair. UGH, fucking seriously… I mean seriously??? You need this garbage to set up the match? What is this, General Hospital? Just STUPID.
Brie Bella storms into the ring. Brie confronts Megan and says it isn’t true. Steph says the wife is always the last to know. Steph says Bryan called Brie a dead fish in bed, and when Bryan was finished with Megan each time that Daniel was chanting “Yes”. Brie snaps and slaps Miller, then spears Stephanie and puts her in the YES! Lock.
Officials pull Brie off Stephanie, but McMahon says they’re finishing this TONIGHT… So apparently they haven’t learned from the last two weeks after all…
– HAPPY BIRTHDAY HULK! From Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, and AJ Hawk… BROTHER!
-Commercial Break-
3. Jack Swagger (w/Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro. And after jobbing in 2 minutes last week, Cesaro doesn’t even get an entrance this week. It starts off back and forth with Swagger using a nice take down during a leap frog spot. Cesaro comes back with an Abdominal Stretch, and an exciting armbar. Swagger gets dumped ribs first across the top rope, and then again across the barricade going into break.
Back from break, Cesaro has Swagger back in the abdominal stretch, but Jack escapes. Swagger hits a phantom boot that doesn’t come near Cesaro then hits a Swagger bomb in the corner for 2… The ref separates the two, and Cesaro nails a big boot and a senton bomb off the middle rope for 2… Cesaro tries to Superplex Swagger into the ring from the apron, but Jack suplexes Cesaro out onto the apron. The two battle back inside and Cesaro drops Jack with a diving spinning European uppercut. Cesaro blocks an Ankle Lock attempt and goes to the top rope, but Jack meets him up there and yanks him off into an Ankle Lock. Cesaro goes for the ropes but ends up tapping out in 12:00. These matches tonight are feeling a little “off”.
Zeb Colter cuts a promo after the match on Lana and Rusev…. We the Pe—. Rusev and Lana interrupt from the stage. Their music plays as they stare down Swagger and Colter. You see, they don’t get a chance to speak because we have another Stephanie segment and likely some comedy garbage lines up.
-Commercial Break-
– Up next is a prerecorded interview that Michael Cole had with Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt. Nothing says importance like a pre-taped interview from both sides of a semi-main event. Bray Wyatt immediately dismisses Cole from the room as he sits face to face with Jericho. Wyatt talks about Jericho being a letdown to his father, and trying to be a savior to make up for it. Bray doesn’t believe in heaven or hell, he hates everything in the world including himself. Jericho just sits and stares as he listens to Wyatt.
Jericho finally responds. He can’t promise which Jericho we’re going to see at SummerSlam, but he’s going to follow the buzzards, shove them down Bray’s throats, and be the man who shuts Bray up for good at SummerSlam.
REALLY great stuff from Bray here, and honestly this taped segment was probably the best way to go. It probably sucked for the live crowd, but the viewers at home, it enabled me to focus on what Wyatt was saying and wasn’t a dog and pony show. Jericho on the other hand, is really lacking his usual good promo ability thus far into the feud.
– AJ Lee on the way to the ring for action… Next.
-Commercial Break-
4. Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie. AJ grabs a headlock and Paige’s music hits as she comes skipping around ringside. AJ is distracted and Eva Marie rolls AJ up for a surprise pin in 1:00. Wow, they didn’t even do anything and that was STILL bad.
– Paige takes the mic and has written an apology. Paige channels Lanny Poffo as she performs a Poem for AJ about SummerSlam. First Heyman raps, now Paige recites poetry? The gist of the poem is that Paige will be champion again. Well, at least it was a different approach…
AJ gets pissy after the match and attacks Eva Marie on the floor. AJ pounds the crap out of Eva and throws her into the barricade. AJ then smiles and skips away to her music.
Damn these crazy women anymore.
– John Cena respond to Heyman and Lesnar… Next.
Hey, wasn’t this supposed to be a Hulk Hogan Birthday Celebration???
-Commercial Break-
– The Usos have issued an OPEN CHALLENGE for tomorrow on Main Event…
– And now out comes Jaaaahhhhn Ceeeena. Cena has some interesting logic, for instance, for Lesnar to win then Cena has to lose. Wow, this guy is a regular Einstein. Cena says one day he knows he will lose the WWE Title, but not this Sunday to Brock. He calls Lesnar a bully, and the most selfish, uncaring being ever to be in WWE. Cena goes through all the fans chants he’s heard throughout his time in WWE. John acknowledges the fans that ask “When does Cena turn?”. Cena talks about selling shirts and “K Mart shoes”, but says this week he turns into a monster to face a monster.
Earlier Heyman says that this house belongs to Lesnar, but Cena says this house belongs to the fans. Cena says if the ring is Brock’s house, then there’s a stranger in his living room. Cena dares Lesnar to come down and kick him out of “Brock’s house”. Cena drops the mic and calls Brock out.
Brock doesn’t show so Cena calls him a Punk Bitch. lol… Since he can’t physically do it, Cena alerts Brock that he’s giving him the middle finger. Still no Lesnar, so Cena closes with saying he’s going to be the one, that beat the one. The champ is here…
Does this mean Lesnar ruins the Birthday bash? If they ever even do the segment…
-Commercial Break-
– Happy Birthday Hulk Hogan, from Larry King and Florida Georgia Line.
5. Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon. Okay, so we know this isn’t going to happen, so let’s see where this goes…
And here we go… Stephanie is out and announces that “Megan Miller” is pressing charges against Brie for slapping her earlier…
Well shit, if people can press charges in a wrestling ring in non-match segments, people will be going to jail every week…
The Indy police then arrest Brie Bella. First adultery, now an arrest, what great writing… I don’t think they fired enough creative last week, or maybe the wrong ones…
This segment goes on for about 1/10th of the Stephanie arrest segment. Cops come out and take Brie away… How’s that for last minute heat going into a PPV???
-Commercial Break-
– It’s The Miz, who is joining commentary for the next match…
5. Dolph Ziggler vs. Heath Slater. Okay, this is the real match #5. Slater’s been on a hot streak as of late, could very well continue here with Miz at ringside. The Miz is rambling away when JBL accidentally pulls his plug and it goes dead… lol… Meanwhile, there’s a match in the ring. Slater almost gets an upset with an inside cradle. Miz says he’s the only man to bring Cleveland a championship. Lawler asks about Jim Brown, Miz has no clue, some funny banter… This entire segment is just Miz and the announcers taking turns one upping each other… Back in the ring, Ziggler hits the Zigzag on Slater, but Miz tries to interfere… Ziggler goes outside and attacks Miz, chasing him to the back… Ziggler rushes back to the ring but he’s too late… Slater wins by count out in 4:30!
That match was nothing, but the commentary was pretty fun…
After the match, a huge “Slater” chant… Dolph offers to shake his hand but Heath tries to sneak in a boot. Ziggler catches his foot and lands the Zigzag… Can’t believe I heard a Slater chant…
And so, by the time we return from break there will be maybe 30 minutes left for the Sheamus/Orton match, and Hogan segment. But for once, no comedy… At least, no intentional comedy.
-Commercial Break-
– Both guys (Orton and Sheamus) get extended entrances to the ring so that eats some more time…
6. US Champion Sheamus vs. Randy Orton. Lots of nothing to start the match, and the crowd is barely interested. Sheamus lines up for the 10 beats of the bodhran but Orton escapes and jumps out to the floor as we take a break. My only hope is that this match ends during the break…
Back from break, and sadly this thing is still going. Headlock by Orton, Sheamus escapes, but Randy back suplexes Sheamus onto the announce table, very sloppy and dangerous I may add, but funny nonetheless… Sheamus turns things around on the floor, then back in the ring connects with the 10 forearm and a rolling senton for 2… Sheamus misses a clothesline, and Orton counters with his backbreaker and a suspended DDT.
Sheamus rolls to the apron to avoid the RKO and hits Randy with a slingshot shoulder block and a powerslam for 2… Sheamus goes for the Brogue, but misses. Sheamus goes up to the top rope for a flying shoulder block, but gets caught with an RKO on the way down… Orton wins in 12:30 and the fans pop loudly… And so do I, because this match is OVER….
Up next, with 5 minutes to spare… It’s Hulk Hogan’s Birthday… How thoughtful!
-Commercial Break-
– It’s Hulk’s Birthday Celebration time, with lots of wrestlers already standing out on the stage. But first, we’re not done promoting Lesnar vs. Cena… With 5 minutes to go, we’re spending more time on Cena/Lesnar, which would make sense if they hadn’t promoted this fucking Hogan thing for a week…
– It’s Gene Okerlund and Jimmy Hart in the ring as Gene introduces the Hulkster… 61, wow, I feel old. Where does the time go… Gene introduces a Hulk Hogan music video highlighting his life from childhood through, the AWA, WWF, WCW, NWO, and beyond…
Hogan cuts an old school promo and uses his birthday segment to hype the fucking WWE Network, citing $9.99 repeatedly… Hogan’s promos must be running long because… WOOOO, Ric Flair makes his way out… Flair doesn’t get to the ring before “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff makes his way out and upstages the entire thing, doing the Hogan pose and having fun to the ring… And then comes “Rowdy” Roddy Piper…
And now it’s Scott Hall and Kevin Nash… and they don’t believe in hair dye, BROTHERS… HEY YO, Scott Hall takes a survey… Who came to see Hulk in red and yellow, or black and white in the N…W…O…. Hogan rips off his Hulkamania shirt to expose and NWO shirt…
Nash gets to talk as well… Leading everyone in “Happy Birthday” for the Hulkster…
BROCK LESNAR’S MUSIC HITS!!!!!
and…..Here comes the pain!!!
And there goes my satellite dish…
Really? Seriously? It’s been raining for 6 hours, and it goes out right at that very second? That’s not even real….
Okay, so I move to my backup online plan to finish the show…
Brock Lesnar hits the ring to confront the guys inside. He brushes past Piper, he brushes heads with Flair, then he stares down the Hulkster…
John Cena comes out and tells Brock to make his move, but Lesnar just smirks and backs down, leaving the ring…
End show…
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Raw “Backstage Pass” Post Show
The Hulk Hogan Birthday Celebration continues on the Post show… Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil try and bring Hulk a cake, but they fight over it and spill it on each other… But no fear, there’s a second cake… and the candles read…. 9.99…. Seriously… Cena leads everyone in the “Happy Birthday” song, as red and yellow confetti and balloons drop from the sky as Hulk poses to close out… Apparently the budget cuts didn’t include the most confetti I’ve ever seen in my life…
And that was “Backstage Pass” people… It ended at 11:22pm est…
Football season is upon us, and after 8 months, I’m beginning to wonder if I want to continue doing this… Hopefully things turn back around after SummerSlam…
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