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Raw Pre-Show 7/21/14 from WWE Studios
– It’s Byron Saxton, Booker T, and Alex Riley in the studios. We learn that Cena survived Battleground, a short clip from the end of the PPV followed by the “post show” Cena promo airs…
– They announce that tonight on Raw, HHH will announce the challenger for Cena’s Title at Summerslam… or some shit…
– I almost forgot Raw was on, figured that’s what I watched last night, what with the pulled semi main event, angle driven, lackluster, dead ring time, abrupt finishes, average-at-best match having (sans the Tag Title match) event. Speaking of pulled match, we go back to the PPV and witness the Ambrose and Rollins brawls…
– Flo Rida is at Raw tonight… Because, you know, wrestling fans come for the concerts…
– Back to Battlground, we see Jericho not only beat Bray Wyatt, but fairly basic and out of nowhere…
– We learn that Bray Wyatt will be on Jericho’s Highlight Reel tonight. Also Nikki Bella is scheduled for a 4 on 1 handicap match against Eva Marie, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes and somebody else, I dunno, I missed it… Does it matter??? Renee Young interviews Nikki about what Stephanie is doing to her… Nikki says she’s ready and she has her own surprise… Hmmm…
– SNME promo for the Network… For those who don’t know, they added 1988 and 1989 today, including the two “Main Event” specials… Somehow they can play the Obsession theme during the commercial, but not the actual shows… Makes sense…
– In case you didn’t know, Flo Rida is on Raw tonight… That’ll put asses in the seats… 😉
– We catch the end of the IC Title Battle Royal with Dolph dumping Sheamus, and Shitty Miz stealing the win.
– Alex Riley endlessly shills WWEshop.com… Can’t really blame them, there’s little else to talk about…
– The panel steals NFL Network’s “Bold Predictions”… Booker predicts Reigns will be champion within 6 months… Wow that’s not very “bold”, nor does it have anything to do with tonight… Alex Riley says somebody is going to be both IC and US Champion at the same time… Booker also thinks King Kong Bundy could be Cena’s opponent at Summerslam… cute…. It’s time for the show…
– Alex Riley announces there WILL be a post show this week…
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WWE Raw 7/21/14 from the American Airlines Arena in Miami, FL
– HHH kicks the show off…. cuz he’s money…. That was me being sarcastic for the record… HHH is mad about last night, but he has “options”. HHH mocks the fans tweeting about hating WWE and not watching anymore, says he could do the same thing… Not a bad idea… But instead, he knows he always wins, so he can patiently wait 4 weeks until Summerslam… HHH then “guaren-damn-tees” (there’s that word again) that Cena will lose the belt at Slam… So who gets the opportunity to dethrone Cena?
It’s Randy Orton!!! No he’s not the Slam challenger, it’s literally Orton coming out and lobbying for the title shot… HHH says Orton is the frontrunner, but Trips hasn’t made a decision yet because the entire roster has the chance to impress him tonight and go the extra mile tonight… Orton blames Kane for not winning last night, and guess what? Out comes Kane…. Goody… Again, much sarcasm…
Kane wants the title shot, he’s not a baby sitter, he can do it himself… And then Roman Reigns joins the party… Reigns says nobody wants to see Cena vs. Kane… Amen!!! And Nobody wants to see Cena vs. Orton AGAIN… Preach on, brother Reigns! BELIEVE THAT!
SUPERMAN PUNCH ON KANE out of nowhere, and HHH and Orton scatter to the floor…. HHH then makes a handicap match… Reigns vs. Kane & Orton and it starts now!!!
-Commercial Break-
1. 2 vs. 1 Handicap Match: Randy Orton & Kane vs. Roman Reigns. Reigns looks like he’s going to control early, but Orton takes over and he and Kane get some heat on Roman… Reigns fights back with a Samoan drop on Kane, but the heels continue to tag in and out to keep control… Reigns comes back with a suplex on Kane and takes over for a bit before he’s tossed outside the ring… Kane follows out, but Reigns whips Kane into the steel steps and you guessed it… Time for a commercial!
See, if this were more realistic, this is where I’d be taking my opportunity to impress HHH, and just run in randomly during this match and start f*cking people up with chairs… Anyway, we’re back from break, Orton impresses HHH by using a chinlock on Reigns, followed by an impressive Garvin stomp… Heels tags back and forth. Way to team the two slowest working heels you have… The heels are having a game of “top this” with lots of great hair pulling and stomps, super top notch offense. VERY impressive…
Reigns with a Samoan drop on Orton, Randy tags Kane and Roman starts his comeback… Apron dropkick on Kane, but Kane counters a Samoan drop and hits a Big Boot… Kane then teases tagging Randy, Orton refuses the tag, so instead Kane grabs Orton by the throat… Reigns comes from behind and nails Kane with the Superman Punch, and a spear for the win in about 12:00….
Randy Orton walks off, which is sure to impress HHH…. Sometimes I think they say “What would get more over”, and have Randy do the exact opposite of that ever week….
Did you hear the news? It’s Handicap night on Raw…. After a 2 on 1… Next it’s 4 on 1, Nikki Bella in action…
-Commercial Break-
Remember Nikki said she had a surprise during the preshow… So exciting!!! Brie Bella ends up being in the front row, but Stephanie McMahon comes out to rip on her… Steph tells Brie she gets to watch Nikki get killed by 4 Divas tonight, and it’s all because of Brie… Brie calls Stephanie a bitch off-mic and this guy in the front row makes a ridiculous face… Stephanie tries to eject Brie, but she has a ticket… Brie snatches the mic and calls Stephanie a bitch again… Stephanie slaps Brie, but Brie jumps over the barricade and attacks Steph… The security grab Brie and eject her from the arena…
2. 4 on 1 Handicap Match: Cameron, Rosa Mendes, Alicia Fox, and Eva Marie vs. Nikki Bella. Bell sounds, all 4 girls beat down Nikki schoolyard stule, and Fox hits a scissors kick for the win in like 30 seconds… Why does John Cena allow this to happen, storyline wise… Stephanie apparently plans to keep doing this until Nikki quits like her sister…
I dunno about you, but right now I’m more impressed with Brie Bella than Randy Orton…. Could it be Cena vs. Brie at Summerslam?
Next, we continue with them “Handicap” theme as we will see the return of Zach Gowen… Okay, not really…. But Flo Rida is here… So, close enough…
-Commercial Break-
Bo Dallas is Te-BOing in the ring and out comes Damien Sandow in a Lebron James Miami Heat jersey, with Miami marked out and Cleveland written on it… Sandow says he is Lebron James, he took his talent back to Cleveland, and he tells Bo-leave, just like Lebron did…
3. Bo Dallas vs. Damien Sandow. Back and forth… Sandow says “Cleveland I’m coming home” and hits his elbow drop… But seconds later, it’s a Bo-Dog and this match is over in 3:00… 16 and BO…
We’re an hour into the show, and so far nobody has really “impressed”… Wonder what HHH is thinking..
-Commercial Break-
One Rotunda down, one to go…
– Apparently during the break, Chris Jericho was attacked by the Wyatt Family on the WWE App… And then we don’t even get a video playback of the incident… The Wyatts come out for the Highlight Reel, but there’s no Jericho to be found… More broken promises… Okay, now we get the video… The Wyatts apparently attacked Jericho in the locker room… Sister Abigail into the locker wall…
Back to the ring, Bray is hosting the highlight reel, and his cheers turn to boos… Likely because the fans are feeling cheated for the second night in a row… Jericho won the battle last night, but Bray always wins the war… Follow the buzzards…
A quick trip back to the locker room shows medics attending to Jericho, and apparently Kofi Kingston doesn’t watch Raw because he wants to know what happened… I’m assuming this was taped and Jericho isn’t even there…
But guess who is here…. FLO RIDA… And there’s Flo Rida high fiving Kofi in the hallway… Wasn’t Kofi just with Jericho??? And Kofi’s necklace also just disappeared.. Wow, wonder if something was taped… Duh…
– Here comes the Miz for some rasslin, he’s from Hollywood now… I think I can speak for Cleveland when I say, I’m fine with that…. Miz is wearing sunglasses, which makes him a star….
-Commercial Break-
4. IC Champion The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler. Miz stalls to start, Ziggler hits a baseball slide and takes over… Lots of offense from Ziggler, until he’s knocked off the apron and into the barricade… We go to commercial…
Back from break, Miz has control for a couple of minutes but Ziggler makes the big comeback, but Miz counters a Famouser with a school boy for 2… Ziggler with a backslide for 2…. Miz comes back with the “Side Effect” that gets 2… Dolph and Miz almost blow the same spot Dolph and Sheamus blew at the PPV, Miz rolls out of a sunset flip and tries a Figure Four, but Ziggler kicks free and hits a jumping DDT for 2… Miz battles back, drops Ziggler to his knees and plants him with a DDT for 2…
Miz tries the Figure Four again and Dolph counters with a cradle for 2…. Ziggler tries a superkick, but Miz catches and finally applies the Figure Four… Dolph sells like a champ but manages to grab the ropes for a break… Dolph back with the FAMOUSER for a neeeeeear fall…. Crowd really into Ziggles… Take notice asshole WWE corporate…
Ziggler tries the Zigzag, Miz holds onto the ropes and comes back with a Mafia Kick to Ziggler… Miz tries the Skull Crushing Finale, but Ziggler escapes and fakes a superkick… Miz ducks the superkick and Ziggz hits the Zigzag for the 1……..2………….3!!!!
DOLPH WINS IN 15:00!!!! HOLY BALLS DOLPH WINS A MEANINGFUL MATCH…
But wait… The title wasn’t on the line…. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME…. Good match though, great heat….
– Backstage with HHH and Seth Rollins… Rollins says they need to shut down Dean Ambrose for good to prevent him from stopping the cashing in of MITB…. Cesaro interrupts and throws his name in the hat to face Cena at Summerslam… Cesaro announces he is no longer a Paul Heyman guy… He wants to be a HHH guys… HHH books Cesaro vs. Ambrose, and if Cesaro wins then that will impress HHH…
– AJ Lee is skipping down the hall and meets up with Paige… They team, next…
-Commercial Break-
They replay the end of the Divas Title match from Battleground, they show the actual video and not stills… Shows you how important that match was to the producers…
5. AJ Lee and Paige vs. Natalya & Emma. Next time Emma steals something, maybe it should be some new clothes? AJ & Emma start, Emma plays total jobber. Paige tags in, but Emma applies the Tarantula… Tag to Natalya… Paige shoves Natalya into Emma, sending Emma off the apron, but Natalya responds by locking Paige in the Sharpshooter… Paige crawls to her corner and tags to AJ… AJ with the blind tag behind Natlya, lays Nattie out and locks in the Black Widow for the submission in 3:00… Emma just disappears, much like her push… Quick and painless…
Paige is overjoyed with AJ’s win… but not really… It was all a ruse… She was flimflammed, hoodwinked, by gawd it was a set up… Paige turns on AJ, knocks her ass out, tosses her to the floor and sends her into the ring post before screaming “this is my house”… AJ then gets tossed over the announce table, Paige keeps screaming… I can only imagine how dark Paige’s arm hair would be if she didn’t wax it… Sorry, thinking out loud…
Paige mocks AJ by skipping up the ramp…
My question is… Was AJ supposed to be stupid, were we supposed to believe Paige was really her buddy? I guess that was two questions…
-Commercial Break-
6. Fandango vs. Zack Ryder. Zack brings Leyla and Summer Rae with him to ringside… Fandango in control, Zack turns things around but misses a dropkick from the middle rope… Ryder comes back and lands the ROUGH RYDER…1……..2…..Fandango’s foot on the rope… But Leyla knocks it off!!! Zack Ryder wins a match in 2:00!!!
Might never get to do this again, so… Woo woo woo… You know it!!!
As awesome as that was, Ryder’s time has passed, the crowd hardly reacts… Sadly… Way to go “WWE Officials”…
– Backstage, Renee Young is with Flo Rida… Rida is thinking about wrestling Cena at Summerslam… And if he was serious, Vince would book it in a heartbeat… Heath Slater interrupts, he’s still pissed off about WrestleMania a year or two ago… Heath tries to attack Rida, but Flo knocks him on his ass…
Flo Rida is next, so this is where I take a trip to the bathroom and kitchen…
-Commercial Break-
– Sheamus vs. Rusev on Main Event.
– Awwwww snap, dog… It’s Flo Rida time… Nah, I’m not really that out of touch, but I still hate this on a WRESTLING program… Anyway, Stephanie feels the need to announce Flo Rida, because that’s what heels do… They announce guest performers for a pop… Anyway, Florida performs the same song he did at Mania a couple years back… You know, his one big song… Vince is always with the times…
When they were looking into BUDGET CUTS, maybe someone should have decided against paying this guy to pay a song that was big a couple years back…
Stephanie again makes the crowd cheer for Florida… She must like that song or something… Even funnier, his intro and outro music is the song HE JUST SANG!!!
Apparently, the authorities are SO disgusted by WWE’s budget decisions to use Florida and fire talent, that they’re arresting Stephanie McMahon… On camera…. In reality, I assume Brie is “pressing charges” for being slapped… The detectives… yes, detectives, call it “Battery” and handcuff Steph… But in the same respect, Brie stole the microphone, so that gives the performer a right to defend themselves… But whatever…
Somehow Brie is back in the Arena, breaking arena policies because you can’t leave and return… But somehow, she gets back in, walks to the front row and shouts at Steph… Stephanie continues to play the Vince role to a tee, threatening to take the officers badges and talking about how much power she has in Miami…
HHH stops the cops in the hallway, but they continue to the police car and take Stephanie away…. HHH ruins another “serious” segment, by asking the police if their car is a Hybrid… Ugh… Like that was needed…
-Commercial Break-
– HHH is leaving to be with Stephanie… Joey Mercury reminds HHH that he needs to pick a challenger for Summerslam… He says family is first, so he’s leaving… Then HHH stops and says that Stephanie still needs to be processed, so he has time…. HHH will stay at Raw while Stephanie gets printed and processed.
7. Kofi Kingston & Big E vs. Rybaxel. Ryback and Big E test each other, and Big E wins… E sets up for the big splash but Axel blocks him on the apron. Big E knocks Axel off the apron, but Ryback from behind takes over on E, and Rybaxel goes on the aggressive offense… E gets the hot tag to Kofi, he cleans house, SOS on Ryback but ASxel breaks up the pin… Big E spears Axel through the ropes to the floor… Kofi with a high cross body, but Ryback rolls through and gets the pin in 2:30… Seriously? A big monster like that and we get a cheap roll through on a body block?
– Xavier Woods shows up in the ring with his fellow “brothers”… Woods is in a suit and he’s making a call to action… Xavier woods say they no longer wait, they no longer ask, now, THEY TAKE… They being the African American jobbers of the WWE…. And it took XAVIER WOODS to talk this sense into Kofi and Big E??? He cuts a 3 sentence speech and E and Kingston are down with it? Wow, that guy should run for office…
Furthermore, what was Woods just doing at ringside in a pimp suit? Not a “Pimp Suit”, but a suit that is “pimp”…
I’d almost say they’re copying TNA… But I can’t get that out with a straight face…
-Commercial Break-
8. Rusev (w/Lana) vs. The Great Khali. Rusev tweaked his ankle at the PPV, it was pretty visible, he’s still selling it a little today… Lawler has a bad memory, he says Swagger tapped out last night, but it was a count out… Poor old King… Lana starts to cut a promo, but out comes Khali… Rusev starts but Kahli stuns him with a shot… Rusev with some more strikes, hut Khalia with a big boot out of the corner and more chops… Big overhand chop by Khali and Rusev crawls to the apron… Khali picks Rusev up, but Rusev strikes Khali with a kick to the side of the head to drop Khali… Khali gets to his knees and Rusev lands the jumping superkick, and then the ACCOLADE ends it in 2:30…
– Sheamus is on Royal Pains tomorrow, if you watch that show…
– Another Goldust and Stardust promo…. I’m all about these guys being pushed, but these promos are ridiculous.. They’re in search for the “Cosmic Key”…
– Dean Ambrose on his way to the ring for a match with Cesaro… Our main event MATCH of the night… Next…
-Commercial Break-
– An update on Stephanie McMahon… No new news… Just a way to put over the angle for the third time in the hour…
9. Dean Ambrose vs. Cesaro. The fight goes straight to the floor, Ambrose gets a short stint of offense, but Cesaro takes over by suplexing Ambrose out of the ring and back to the floor… Cesaro takes the match into the ring as we go backstage and see HHH on his cell, while Orton and Rollins are watching this match… Cesaro works a top wrist lock, but Ambrose breaks free and explodes with punches and tosses Cesaro outside… Ambrose dives out onto Cesaro but jumps right into a European Uppercut… Dean is laid out on the floor as we head to commercial…
Back from break, Cesaro has Ambrose in an armbar and Dean breaks… Dean tries to come back with his big clothesline, but Cesaro ducks and hits a nice German Suplex with a bridge for 2… Cesaro tries a superplex off the top, but Ambrose counters and knocks him off… Ambrose lands a top rope dropkick and both guys are down…
Dean makes the comeback, Tornado DDT gets 2… Cesaro fights back and tries to lock on the Cross Face Chickenwing, but Dean counters and tosses Cesaro to the floor… Ambrose with a suicide dive… Back inside, Dean hits the big clothesline, again for 2… Cesaro goes to the bad shoulder of Ambrose and then hits his own stiff clothesline for 2…
Dean goes to the top rope, but Cesaro puts him in the tree of woe and stomps him down to the mat… Dean comes back and drives Cesaro’s shoulder into the ring post three times and then just smash Cesaro’s arm with a steel chair… Cesaro wins on a DQ in 12:30…
Ambrose doesn’t give a shit… He tosses some chairs into the ring and takes a seat… Good finish to get over Dean’s nutty character, but a little oddly placed on the show… Cesaro has been losing steam in a hurry… More WWE classic booking…
– Renee Young interviews HHH in the back, she asks if HHH shouldn’t be with his wife instead of at Raw… He just stares her down… HHH makes the Summerslam announcement… Next!!!
-Commercial Break-
– HHH is in the ring, and it’s decision time… Trips introduces us to Cena’s Summerslam opponent… Randy Orton makes his way out… Roman Reigns attacks Orton at ringside to set up their Summerslam match… Reigns fights Randy into the crowd and out of sight as we head back to the ring… So if Orton was the challenger, why does him fighting Reigns in the crowd keep him from working Cena at Summerslam???
Paul Heyman shows up on the stage… Heyman likes Plan A: Randy Orton, but Reigns is in the way… Plan B: Seth Rollins is great, but Dean Ambrose is in the way… So it’s time for PLAN C….
And to no shock… It’s BROCK LESNAR!!!
Brock and Heyman enter the ring, HHH smiles and shakes Heyman’s hand… HHH then shakes Brock’s hand… And the match is signed…
Heyman gets on the mic to put over Brock… HHH leaves… Brock conquered the Undertaker, and now he will conquer John Cena for the WWE Title…
We see footage of Brock/Taker from WrestleMania… Heyman says a Pledge of Allegiance to Brock Lesnar… The promo goes on for a good while… It’s pretty good, but closing the show, I dunno… Brock just bounces around smirking…
Well that wraps that up…. On to the post show… Hooray…
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WWE Raw “Backstage Pass” Post Show
– They talk Brock Lesnar to kick things off… No shock there… We see some clips from a few moments ago on Raw…
– So Summerslam is looking like Orton/Reigns, Rollins/Ambrose, Cena/Lesnar, Jericho/Wyatt, Brie/Stephanie so far…
– Now we move on to Stephanie and Brie… Because it’s the second biggest thing in the company now…
– With 4 minutes left, they kindly go back to the Bray Wyatt/Jericho segment from the locker room, that if I had to guess I’d say was taped yesterday…
– We’ve got Sheamus vs. Rusev on Main Event, and Reigns vs. Del Rio on Smackdown this week…
– This show has become completely worthless since moving to the Studio… They might as well drop it… Save their money for more important things… Like Flo Rida….
That’s a wrap… See ya next week…
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