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Raw Pre-Show 5/5/14
– This week’s panel features Josh Matthews, Booker T, Alex Riley, and their guest Natalya… Good Lord I may skip this one all together…
– We learn that the Authority has ordered Dean Ambrose to defend the United States Heavyweight Championship against NINETEEN other men in a Battle Royal tonight!!!
– Recap of Daniel Bryan vs. Kane from Extreme Rules, and the panel discusses.
– Recap of Shield vs. Evolution and discussion follows.
– Recap of Cena vs. Wyatt and the ridiculous kid with the Nailz voice nonsense. Aaand discuss.
– Discussion on the RVD vs. Cesaro vs. Swagger match. Tonight it’s RVD vs. Cesaro in a rematch.
– Adam Rose debuts… tonight.
– Bad News Barrett beats Big E for the title last night. A rematch is slated for tonight.
– The Shield interview. They’ve got Dean’s back.
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WWE Monday Night Raw 5/5/14 from Times Union Center in Albany, NY
1. We kick things off with the 20-Man Man Battle Royal for the United States Championship. Dean Ambrose is forced to defend against 19 opponents at the same time… Everyone enters to the Raw music. Participants include Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Kofi Kingston, The Big Show, Santino, Heath Slater, Curtis Axel, Ryback, Titus O’Neil, Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus, Zack Ryder, Jack Swagger, Xavier Woods, Sin Cara, Damien Sandow, and Fandango. Early eliminations include Xavier, Zack Ryder, R-Truth, Titus O’Neil, and Sin Cara in that order. Big Show presses Cara out onto the other men already eliminated who apparently stood there for several minutes waiting for the spot… Poor Damien Sandow is out next thanks to an accident from Heath Slater. With the job guy field weeded out, we take a break just when things are getting good… We’ve got 14 left in the ring… I hope they don’t come back with half the guys eliminated…
Back from break, and Heath Slater was eliminated on the WWE App.Big Show chokeslams Mark Henry. Brogue Kick by Sheamus on Big Show and the entire ring eliminates Big Show!!! And the entire ring eliminates Mark Henry next!!! Kofi Kingston tries some of his cutesy magic but Dean Ambrose tosses Fandango and Kingston. Cody Rhodes dumps his brother Goldust, Rybaxel then dumps Cody. Santino uses the Cobra to eliminate Ziggler and the crowd shits all over it…
Rybaxel dump Santino thankfully. Down to 5 with Ambrose, Sheamus, Rybaxel, and Swagger. Ryback lays out Sheamus, and then goes at it with Ambrose. Rybaxel tosses Ambrose to the apron, but he ducks his head in and backdrops Axel out of the match. Ryback and Axel both fight on the apron, but Ambrose eliminates Ryback!!!
Swagger goes after Ambrose, but Dean dumps him too!!! Ambrose turns right around into a BROGUE KICK!!!! And the crowd craps all over Sheamus… Sheamus dumps Ambrose with ease to win the title and scores some heat for his upcoming heel turn… Match went over 15:00. A shame that’s how such a long reign came to an end, but it helps Sheamus, and believe me, he needed the help….
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– The Shield console Dean Ambrose after the match, until HHH makes his way out… HHH announces that later tonight, the Shield will have to meet the Wyatt Family in the main event… no complaints there, though they’re starting to reach when it comes to six-mans…
-Commercial Break-
– Adam Rose… Tonight… I can’t wait… There was a lot of sarcasm behind that by the way…
– Renee Young with Sheamus in the back. He says he’s just been spinning his wheels since his return, but now he finally has some traction…
– Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan in the locker room. Stephanie McMahon enters with some more false sympathy. There’s a Kane mask hanging on the wall for no reason… Lame segment as usual, this story is almost as bad as Kane’s work…
– RVD on his way to the ring to wrestle Cesaro…. Next….
-Commercial Break-
– It’s Paul Heyman with the usual Brock beat Taker crap… And out comes Cesaro…
2. Rob Van Dam vs. Cesaro (w/Paul Heyman). RVD sporting a shiner from last night… Cesaro with some power early on but RVD comes back with some usual spots that send Cesaro to the floor… RVD tries a dive, but Cesaro blocks it and takes over momentarily. RVD comes back with more of his usual shtick and Cesaro back to the floor… RVD lands a somersault senton dive to the floor. Back in the ring, Cesaro takes over as the fans want “CM Punk”. RVD tries a counter, but Cesaro clotheslines him to the floor, and that means it’s time for a commercial break!
After the break, RVD breaks a rest hold, per the usual “back from break” routine. RVD surprises Cesaro with a couple of quick pins for 2… RVD tries a reverse body block from the middle rope but runs right into a EUROPEAN UPPERCUT for 2… As this match continues a friend asks me how slow a match would be between RVD and Kane… I don’t want to think about it… Between the Punk and Boring chants in this match, I hope people now see how slow RVD has gotten.
RVD tries a monkey flip but Cesaro hangs on. RVD tries a a top rope spot but Cesaro knocks him off the ropes and Van Dam gets his leg caught in the ropes and Cesaro takes advantage, beating on RVD until the referee reaches a 5 count for the crappy DQ finish in 12:00.
Dear God, PLEASE don’t bring this crap back for another PPV… They keep giving guys like Bryan and Cesaro the wrong opponents…
– Albany… The Wyatts are here!
-Commercial Break-
– We return with the Wyatt Family in the ring under a spotlight. Wyatt is finally somebody after beating Cena last night. He mocks Cena fearing a little boy singing. Wyatt admits to being a monster, but he admits it. He does this for the children, for the starving, for the outcasts. Bray Wyatt says he is rising, and Cena is falling. Bray says Cena now stands alone, and that the children stand with Wyatt. The fans will remember him not as a monster, but for what he truly is… A GOD!
The fans sing along… He’s got the whole world in his hands…
Quick first hour review… The show got off to a good start, the Battle Royal was up to BR standards, and giving Sheamus the win was the best decision when you think about it… Sheamus gets a much needed belt, Ambrose saves face with his hard fought battle, and Sheamus is left with heat to help along his upcoming heel turn. Next was Cesaro vs. RVD. Seemed like we were in for a pretty good first hour until RVD stunk up the joint in a match that went far too long and had a crappy finish, presumably to set up another unwanted rematch. Wyatt Family promo was good, but the RVD match really hurt the first hour. Still the first half hour was good… On to hour 2…
-Commercial Break-
3. Cody Rhodes (w/Goldust) vs. Ryback (w/Curtis Axel). 08 Back and forth, Ryback misses a clothesline and flies out of the ring. Back inside, Ryback drops Cody throat first across the top rope and works him over… Ryback in control for a good duration of the match before Cody counters a powerbomb attempt by slipping out and landing the Disaster Kick! Cody with a springboard dropkick. Rhodes goes to the top rope when Curtis Axel drives Goldust into the ring post, which causes Cody to lose his balance, and Ryback hooks Shell Shock for the win in 6:00.
After the match Goldust aids Cody…
– Backstage Brie Bella is with Daniel Bryan. The Lights go out and a Kane mask lights up… CORNY…. They leave the locker room and run into Stephanie… For some reason they trust Stephanie to bring Brie’s car in to pick her up… Because THAT makes sense…
-Commercial Break-
– Dear God, there’s a Cinco de Mayo celebration in the ring with Los Matadores & El Torito. The Matadors have a ridiculously strong stereotypical “Mexican” accent. In their attempt to be funny, they fail… Miserably. As if it couldn’t get worse, the 3MB make their way out… Is this “feud” ever going to end? Boy they love to beat their “comedy” feuds to death… 3MB want to call a truce, lots of bad puns and the announcers crapping on the segment, doesn’t help anything… Torito offers Hornswoggle some candy as a sign of peace, but Swoggle knocks the candy out of his hand.
Horny and Torito go at it while the Matadores clear 3MB from the ring… Torito then with an airplane spin on Swoggle and gores him in the butt… THIS would make a great time for a monster to come out and kill everyone… PLEASE… But it doesn’t happen…
-Commercial Break-
– BOLIEVE!
4. Kofi Kingston vs. Alexander Rusev (w/Lana). Poor Kofi is next in line for Rusev who has now resides in Russia. Vladimir Putin image on the screen to garner heat. Vince loves that foreign tension. Kofi tries a fast attack… It doesn’t work… Overhead belly to belly throw on Kingston. Kofi fights back with kicks and a dropkick takes Rusev into the corner. Kofi with a flying reverse body block off the top rope takes Rusev down for a second… Rusev comes back for a fall away slam but Kingston lands on his feet and goes to the top for a flying body block, but he’s caught and Rusev lands the swinging sidewalk slam, before finishing things off with the Accolade (camel clutch) for the win in 3:00.
– In the garage, Daniel Bryan puts Brie Bella in the car and they start to drive away, but Stephanie startles them and informs Bryan that he has to wrestle right now or he will be stripped of the WWE Title. Bryan and Brie leave the car. I don’t know what is worse, this hokey garbage or the “Little Johnny” of the Wyatt family… Just give Bryan a good wrestling match, we don’t need this garbage. If they wanna bury his heat, they’ve finally figured it out.
-Commercial Break-
5. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan (w/Brie Bella) vs. Alberto Del Rio. Wow, I know he was just on TV last week, but how sad is it I forgot ADR even existed until right now. They need that second big title back in the picture, it’s killing their semi main event stars. Back and forth stuff by both to start, Bryan botches a back flip out of the corner, but drops Del Rio with a clothesline anyway. Bryan with some YES kicks, but Del Rio ducks the big one and hits the Back Stabber and sends Bryan to the floor. ADR sends Bryan into the barricade for that always popular commercial break!
While we have advertising, I just want to say this Brie Bella incorporated into the storylines crap is also just that… crap… Sticking a valet with Bryan is useless and hurts his character, which I assume is what the higher ups are going for… They’ll teach Bryan if it’s the last thing they do!
Back from break, it’s the token “chinlock returning from break” hold. Bryan breaks free, but ADR counters with a German Suplex for 2… Crowd is semi-dead. They’re still making noise for spots, but in general there’s no heat for Del Rio’s offense. Bryan comes back and both men go down. Trading punch routine turns into kicks. Del Rio charges Bryan in the corner but gets drop toe holded face first into the middle buckle. Bryan with more kick, but ADR takes right back over. Alberto tries a Superplex, but Bryan knocks him off and lands a diving headbutt for 2…
ADR knocked outside, Bryan hits a crappy suicide dive that barely connects because Del Rio doesn’t want to take it. ADR thrown back inside, Bryan goes up top but takes an enzuigiri that knocks him off. Del Rio calls for the cross armbreaker, but Bryan counters with a tilt-a-whirl thingy into the Crippler Crossface. ADR tapes after 15:30….
BOOM PYRO… It’s Kane’s music… But where’s Kane??? The cowardly Daniel Bryan and Brie flee for their car…. BUT THE CAR WON”T START!!! Bryan looks under the hood of the car, but when he shuts the hood… KANE IS IN THE BACKSEAT!!! THIS IS TERRIBLE… Brie starts screaming, and screaming, and screaming… It’s absolutely horrible and annoying. Kane and Bryan fight outside the car. Bryan gets in the car, but Kane climbs on top… Bryan drives off and Kane falls off the car, best bump he’s taken in years…
Bryan sees Kane fall and he gets out of the car to check on him….. Kane sits up… More screaming from Brie… THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TERRINBLE… Bryan jumps back in the car and takes off like a coward as Kane chases after them…
Ya know, between the kid in the Cena match last night and this entire Kane/Bryan crap fest from tonight, the WWE has used every shitty horror movie cliché in the business. This is the kind of garbage that it’s just like…. Who looks at this and thinks it’s a good idea, then who are the assholes that okay it… I’ll leave it to you to fill those answers in…
Recap of hour two… Well believe it or not, but Ryback has been improving since being tagged with Axel, I think they bring the best out in each other or something.. Anyway, the Cody/Ryback match could have probably been a little better, too much Ryback offense on the beat down side of things. The 3MB/Matadores segment was probably one of their worst. Rusev squash was decent, I wish they’d do more for Kofi. Bryan vs. ADR was perfectly fine for a TV match, wasn’t great, I think they could have done a lot better, but for TV it was fine. Everything that followed with Kane was absolutely ridiculous and I hope I never hear Brie Bella scream again. TEERIBLE.
-Commercial Break-
– Adam Rose is still to come… Completely forgot… And who’s bright idea is it to debut someone in the third hour when things start to drag? That’s really going to help someone get over…
6. IC Champion Bad News Barrett vs. Big E. Wade has some bad news… Where the hell was he before the Kane stuff? Like last night, the crowd behind Barrett while Big E dominates with impressive power moves. Barrett rolls to the floor, but the fans still support Wade. Big E tries a spear on the apron, but Barrett drops off and Big E smashes his shoulder into the ring post and Barrett takes over… The referee reaches an 8 count before Big E rolls back in, but we’re heading to a commercial break.
Back from break, Big E escapes that dreaded commercial chinlock but both men go down… Big E lands the belly to belly and tries the Warrior Splash but lands on Barrett’s knees. The part of the crowd that’s still alive is cheering BNB. Big E tries the Big Ending, but Barrett slides out and hits the Winds of Change for 2… More CM PUNK chants as the matches tonight are leaving a lot to be desired… Big E counters Wasteland, but Barrett counters a Big knee… Barrett tries the Bull Hammer, but Big E ducks and runs him over before spearing him through the ropes and off the apron like last night… Crowd is DEAD…. Big E back in the ring with an overhead belly to belly… A second overhead belly to belly. Big E drops his traps… Crowd boos… Big Ending, but Barrett slides out and rakes E’s eyes, then delivers the Bull Hammer for the win in 10:45. Pretty lackluster match, and crowd is almost dead…
-Commercial Break-
– A special Mothers Day Message… From Mr. T… We see clips from the Hall of Fame, it’s turned into a song… They should have used Autotune… Happy Mothers Day Fools…
It’s time for the debut of Adam Rose…
7. Adam Rose vs. Jack Swagger (w/Zeb). Zeb cuts another funny promo, he sort of wakes the crowd up. Zeb has a deportation list, lol… Cesaro, Emma, Sheamus, Santino, Paige, Heyman for the hell of it… Apparently Barrett can stay… You see Adam Rose is foreign. Adam Rose is led to the ring by his party bus people, including the rabbit… The Adam Rose music hits while his groupies dance, and the crowd doesn’t give TWO SHITS…. Rose falls off the ropes and into his groupies arms… Michael Cole tries to put it over, but the crowd just doesn’t give a shit… at all… They’ve been dead a while… Fans are singing the song anyway, lol… Adam Rose offers Zeb his half eaten sucker… He tells Zeb not to be a lemon, to be a rosebud…. Swagger tries to attack Rose, but Rose backdrops him out of the ring… And his music hits???? WTF??? I thought this was a match???? Now everyone dances in the ring… That was…. ummm…. bad. Yeah…. Bad…
– Never mind the fact that the gimmick is complete crap, and the segment was horse poop… I’ve got to ask, whose brilliant idea was it to take a BRAND NEW character who needs as much crowd involvement as possible for their gimmick, and then debut them in the final half hour of a 3 hour show? The third hour always drags, the crowd is hardly alive at this point, and now this guy gets sent out there to do the match before the main event? So when it’s not over they blame him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of this gimmick, I like the Leo Kruger stuff I’ve seen on youtube much better, but still if you’re going to bring a guy up from developmental, why put them in a position to flop? That’s just stupid business…
-Commercial Break-
Since the last match turned out not to be a match, this is now match #7….
7. The Shield vs. The Wyatt Family. A wild 6 man brawl in and out of the ring to start… Rollins ends up taking some heat at the expense of the Wyatts…. Rollins hits Harper with a pele kick and tags in Ambrose… Dean takes Harper to the floor and hits him with a dive… Ambrose back inside with Rowan. Dean takes Rowan down with a stiff clothesline and locks in the FIGURE FOUR!!! The Wyatts look to break it up but the Shield come in, and we have both teams at a stalemate as we take a commercial….
Back from break, and Ambrose is taking the heat. It just crossed my mind, it is pretty cool that we’ve got 6 of the newer generation out here headlining Raw… Somehow Ambrose manages to get Harper and Rowan on a floor… A tag to Rollins and Seth hiits a flying somersault dive onto both men. Back inside, Rollins with some more impressive stuff including a running shooting star on the mat…Rollins goes up top but gets knocked to the floor by Harper…Now it’s Harper with a suicide dive on Rollins… Harper wrecks the announce table for the fun of it…
Hard to describe the crowd, one minute they’re into it, the next they quiet down… I think the crowd would be dead if it weren’t for the good stuff these guys are giving us… The Wyatts back on top of Rollins, taking turns beating him down… Superkick by Harper on Rollins gets 2 when Ambrose breaks up the cover… Ambrose gets taken out after being thrown across the announce table, while Harper continues to dominate Rollins in the ring… Harper tries a superplex, but is knocked off… Rollins hits Harper with a top rope flying knee and they’re both down… Hot tags to Bray and Reigns!!! Roman all over the Wyatts, dropkick to Wyatt on the apron. The Wyatts try to outnumber Roman, but the rest of the Shield come in….
Ambrose and Rollins take Rowan and Harper out of the ring and land stereo suicide dives sending the Wyatts over the announce table… Back inside, Roman Reigns with the SUPEREMAN PUNCH on Bray! And the Shield set up for the triple powerbomb, but EVOLUTIONS MUSIC HITS!!!
Rollins & Ambrose with stereo dives out of the ring onto Rowan, Harper, Orton, and Batista… HHH hits the ring but gets met with a SUPERMAN PUNCH from Reigns… And this match isn’t even over!!! Reigns turns around into a flying body stack from Bray Wyatt, and Sister Abigail!!! Wyatt pins Reigns in 18:05….
After the match Evolution attack the Shield… Rollins takes a wicked looking suspension DDT from Orton… Batista spinebusters Ambrose into the steel steps… HHH tries to pedigree Reigns, but Roman backdrops his way out!! But Orton with an RKO on Roman… and then a Pedigree by HHH, and Evolution stand over the Shield… Batista is pissed from last night and lands a Batista Bomb on Reigns to finish things….
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WWE Raw “Backstage Pass” Post Show
– Recap of what we just saw with the Shield, Wyatts, and Evolution…
– Renee Young is with Evolution. HHH says the war has just begun. Orton says the same exact thing. Batista calls it Evolution Justice..
– Discussion of the US Title Battle Royal and Sheamus going over…
– Natalya on the panel is getting annoying now. She just keeps using clichés to answer questions, and repeats some of them more than once as her answers.
– Bryan/Kane crap is discussed. The panel has to discuss this as if it was a serious angle. The spend a whole 3 minutes on this feud, so I guess that says what they think about it… I don’t ever want to see this segment again…
– Discussion of the Wyatt vs. Cena feud. Cena wasn’t even on the show and he gets as much time as Bryan/Kane… lol… What else can you say except poor D-Bry…
– John Cena will respond to Bray Wyatts comments from earlier tonight on the Main Event tomorrow…
And we’re done for this week.
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