The countdown rolls on! In the last installment we witnessed JBL show his true thoughts on the “Be A Star” campaign that WWE is running. JBL bullies and brutalizes Blue Meanie, but Stevie Richards got a small taste of revenge for his bWo buddy. Up next, we take a trip to the land of the rising sun for a “GIANT” clusterfuck.
Credit once again goes to John Cheese, and his Magic Pimp Bus. Thanks for the great material John! And now, away we go…
#3. Andre the Giant Shows Up Drunk and Decides to Be a Dick
Here’s the problem with hiring a guy as big as Andre the Giant: He can do whatever he wants, and there isn’t a goddamn thing you can do about it. If he decides he wants to take a shit on your chest, you just have to quickly come to terms with the fact that you’re about to get shit-chested. All you can do is try to craft a thank you speech that touches him enough to not move on to other bodily expulsions.
In the above video, Andre is wrestling Akira Maeda in the highly respected New Japan Pro Wrestling. The thing is, Akira was kind of a douchebag piece of shit who thought he was much, much better than he actually was. He was known for legitimately attacking other wrestlers in the ring, JBL style, so the company’s booker supposedly asked Andre to teach him a lesson in humility. Andre evidently took this to mean “Get drunk and flop on top of the guy a few times. Then walk around for 30 minutes while he kicks the fuck out of your leg fat.”
“This is for all those future Princess Bride jokes.”
And that’s exactly what happened. Akira attempted to work a legitimate match a few times, but Andre wasn’t having it. Growing more frustrated by the minute, Akira just started taking the giant down and putting him in legitimate cross arm breakers and ankle locks — maneuvers that if applied correctly on non-gigantic men would give them a nice case of surgery after the match.
In response, Andre started full force kicking him in the face. He didn’t just not give a fuck. He had no fucks in the first place. One cannot give fucks that one does not have.
Finally, 25 minutes into the bout, the founder of the company came down to ringside and attempted to talk to both wrestlers, but he might as well have been talking to the goddamn ring itself. Akira continued to kick the shit out of Andre’s legs, and Andre continued to stumble around drunkenly until he was finally taken down one last time, at which point he straight up told Akira, “Pin me.” When Akira refused, the Giant repositioned himself in the ring, spread his arms, and offered the free pin again.
Which is a lot like being offered free room and board by Sarlacc. Sometimes it’s just safer to pass.
Eventually, everyone from both sides of the booking got offended enough that they entered the ring, and the match ended in a unanimous clusterfuck. Akira later went on to kick a man so hard in the face, it broke his fucking orbital bone. He was fired after that one.
I’ll be back this weekend as the countdown reaches our #2 moment, which features Hulk Hogan, Vince Russo, and a more egos than you can shake a stick at.
R.I.P Andre ):