THE WWE RAW REPORT
FEBRUARY 6, 2017
THE MODA CENTER – PORTLAND, OR
The Road to WrestleMania has begun and we’ve already encountered a MAJOR speed bump along the way. With Seth Rollins re-injuring his knee last week it appears there may be a detour on the Road. Tonight on Raw…. We learn the latest members of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2017, plus Cesaro and Sheamus get their Tag Title rematch against Gallows & Anderson, Goldberg answers Brock Lesnar’s WrestleMania challenge, Samoa Joe signs his WWE Raw contract, and plenty more. I hope.
Check back when Raw begins at 8pm eastern for live coverage throughout the night.
– SAMOA JOE SIGNS HIS RAW CONTRACT –
Mick Foley and Bitch Steph are in the ring for the contract signing. Foley announces Samoa Joe very shittily, so Bitch Steph announces him again with more meaning. Foley is shitty because he doesn’t like how Joe got his contract nor who Joe is aligning himself with.
Joe says it took him 18 years to get to the WWE. Joe tells Foley only Triple H opened the door for him. Nobody else. Joe puts the entire WWE locker room on notice. He will destroy everyone. Samoa Joe is ‘the Destroyer’. Foley tries to shake Joe’s hand when….
Roman Reigns comes out. Is this the new Dusty Rhodes? Is he involved in every fucking angle on the fucking show? Reigns sarcastically introduces himself to Joe. The two have some words.
Foley books Joe vs. Reigns for tonight.
Damn.
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– BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –
The tub-o-goo Jax dominates as the match gets going. Bayley snaps Jax’s throat across the middle rope in an attempt to gain control. It doesn’t last long. Nia blocks a turnbuckle smash and drives Bayley’s face into it. Bayley takes a wipe out bump and Raw takes a break.
Raw rolls on. Bayley takes a nasty biel and Jax mocks her signature taunt. Bayley fights from her back. Jax sucks at selling. Bayley lays into Jax in the corner, but Nia eventually mows her over and sends Bayley out to the floor. Jax winds up running into the ring post twice and knocks herself out. The ref puts the count on Jax, but Charlotte comes running down to stop the count. Bayley drags Charlotte into the ring and then dropkicks Flair back out of the ring. This distraction allowed Nia to recover and hit her Samoan Drop for the finish in 9:00.
Winner is Jax
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– BRAUN STROWMAN VS. JOBBERS R’ US –
This is a 4 on 1 handicapped match. Yawn. For those curious, the names of the jobbers are Dusty Wallace, James Stock, CC Bonin and Rob Pelley. Strowman dominates. One of the jobbers runs away. LMAO. Strowman beats a guy in the head, for real. LOL. Strowman stacks the remaining 3 jobbers up in a pile and pins them in 2:00.
Winner is the Abdominable Strowman
Strowman on the mike. He is bitching about competition and said he warned Foley and is coming to find him. Wait, is this a replay from like a fucking month ago.
Braun stomps backstage and locates Foley. Braun wants everyone. Foley books Reigns vs. Strowman for Fastlane. Braun likes that.
* To the Tozawa. We get an Akira Tozawa video. Don’t get too excited, they’re putting him on 205 Live, but for tonight he’s on Raw.
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– AKIRA TOZAWA VS. DREW GULAK –
Austin Aries joins commentary. I can’t see Tozawa losing here after getting a video in the last segment. Also, Gulak gets a jobber entrance. Actually, he gets no entrance, not even his name announced. Gulak calls on Tozawa and absorbs some chops, but falls to a straight punch. Drew does manage to kick Tozawa to the floor and take over. Gulak runs into a standing rana from Tozawa and Gulak ends up on the floor. Tozawa with a fucking suicide headbutt dive. Back in the ring Akira with a SHINING WIZARD for a near fall. Stiff kicks follow, some counters lead to Tozawa and his patented German Suplex gets the 3 count in 4:00.
Winner is Tozawa
Brian Kendrick comes out to welcome Tozawa. He shakes his hand. Kendrick walks away. I guess with Tajiri sidelines, Vince figures they all look the same. Ugh.
Tozawa is something special. This is someone who can put on a classic match with the likes of a Neville.
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– KEVIN OWENS & CHRIS JERICHO SEGMENT –
Owens told everyone he was the best and he continued to prove it last week when he retained against Strowman.
Jericho is upset that Tom Brady is being called the GOAT, he stole that from Jericho. Tom Brady…. You just made the list.
Jericho wants to create the biggest main event in WrestleMania history. Jericho vs. Owens. Champion vs. Champion!
Owens agrees, it’s a huge match, but KO doesn’t think he could fight his BFF. The seed is planted, but they’re interrupts by….
GOLDBERG to the ring. No bleeding this week. He offers to fight both Jericho and KO right now, but they step back and let him talk. Goldberg addresses the Lesnar challenge from last week. Goldberg has never turned down a fight, so he accepts Brock’s challenge for WM33. Lots of Goldberg chants.
Owens calls it a “perfect undercard match”. Owens asks Goldberg if he knows why KO is the longest reigning Universal Champion. Goldberg replies “Yes, because you’ve never fought me”. Goldberg challenges KO to a title match at Fastlane.
Jericho is about to add Goldberg to the list, when Goldberg snatches the list and puts his name on their himself and says he just made the list. Jericho is mad that the crowd is popping. Jericho never liked Goldberg. Chris is pissed and agrees to a match at Fastlane. Jericho agrees to Goldberg vs….. Owens at Fastlane. lol.
Goldberg tells Owens that he and his title, are next.
Kevin looks concerned, Jericho tries to boost his confidence.
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* To the Jeri-KO. Owens can’t believe Jericho has done this to him. Jericho points out he’s always had Owens back. KO disagrees that agreeing to a Goldberg title shot is not having Kevin’s back. Owens walks out worried, and Jericho looks a little smug.
– TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS GALLOWS / ANDERSON VS. CESARO / SHEAMUS –
Enzo & Cass are sitting ringside and looking to challenge the winners of the title match. At least the Rusev/Mahal shit is over.
The faces take over early. They hit a nicely timed rolling senton / double stomp combo. Cesaro goes into his uppercut routine on Anderson. Gallows distracts and Anderson levels Cesaro with a jumping boot. Cesaro rolls outside and walks into a boot to the head by Gallows as well. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Cesaro tries to leap for a hot tag but jumps into an Anderson spinebuster for 2. Cesaro sidesteps an Anderson charge and Karl crotches himself on the buckle. Sheamus hot tags in. Sheamus spin kick in the corner and a top rope clothesline gets 2 on Karl. Sheamus lays in the 10 beats of the whatever. Cesaro and Sheamus with an assisted powerslam for 2. Cesaro uppercuts Gallows to the floor. Gallows lands at the feet of Enzo. Gallows superkicks Enzo. Cass gets up and Big Boots Gallows, causing a DQ in 8:00.
Winners by DQ Gallows & Anderson
Here’s a quick rant for you, and this is hardly the first time they’ve done this. But why in the FUCK do they cut away immediately following a decision and we miss the wrestler’s mannerisms and expressions. This would have been the perfect time to show the heels slink away with sly smiles and the title belts, Sheamus and Cesaro looking upset at Enzo & Cass for costing them, and Enzo & Cass trying to explain themselves to the challengers. I guess there’s no time for that 30 seconds of facial expressions story telling to further the story. You can’t fit it all in when you ONLY have THREE HOURS AND TEN MINUTES of time.
Shit like that is why the mid card shit doesn’t get over, and I don’t think it’s an accident. Vince was producing post match selling 30 fucking years ago on SNME so it’s not like he forgot about it. They just don’t give a fuck.
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* To the Rollins injury. A replay of last week’s segment with Triple H, Samoa Joe, and Seth Rollins, where Seth re-injures his knee. We learn that Rollins has torn his MCL and his participation at WrestleMania is in serious doubt.
* To a New Day. They cut a promo on their opponents, the Shining Stars. They feed some people Booty O’s. They talk about Ice Cream. I have no fucking idea what is going on.
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– NEW DAY VS. THE SHINING STARS –
It’s Big E and Xavier in the ring. Kofi on the floor. Match is in progress. New Day dominating. The Stars come back with a enzuigiri to the face into a Russian leg sweep gets 2 on Woods. Chinlock shit follows. Crowd is starting to fall asleep. What I wouldn’t give to hear Carlito’s music randomly hit right now. The Colons continue the generic heel move set. Epico with a top wrist lock. Primo with a shoulder block into the corner and he puts Woods on the top rope. Xavier knocks Primo off the ropes, Woods missile dropkick on Primo and hot tag to Big E. Belly to bellies for all. Big E Splash on Epico. Woods tornado DDT on Primo. New Day land the ‘Midnight Hour’ on Epico for the win. 6:00 shown.
Winners are New Day
That was certainly longer than I expected.
* To the Charly Caruso with Chris Jericho. Charly is sporting some dark slutty lipstick. My wife wore that color on New Years Eve. I fucked the shit out of her that night. She came twice. But that’s another story. Kevin Owens comes in and Charly is ran off. KO is starting to come to his senses, he trusts Jericho and knows he will beat Goldberg because Jericho has his back. Just like KO will have Jericho’s back tonight against Sami Zayn.
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* TO THE ROCK N’ ROLL. The Rock & Roll Express (Ricky Morton & Robert Gibson) are announced as the latest inductees into the WWE Hall of Fame, Class of 2017. Rock n’ Roll!
– U.S. CHAMPION CHRIS JERICHO VS. SAMI ZAYN –
Owens is in Jericho’s corner. Back and forth to start. Sami nails the arm drags and a cradle for a 2 count. Jericho goes to the floor for a breather and a talk with Owens. Sami comes out and chases Jericho back into the ring. Jericho dropkicks him in the face as he enters. Jericho works Sami over in the corner and plays to the crowd now. Sami fights out. Sami makes a comeback and goes for a Helluva Kick but Jericho escapes to the floor. Sami runs the ropes and leaps out onto Jericho. Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on, and Jericho lands the Lionsault for a near fall. Zayn blocks the Codebreaker and hits an Exploder into the corner. Zayn tries a Helluva Kick, but Jericho sidesteps and tries the Walls. Sami counters into a roll up for 2. Blue Thunder Bomb gets 2 on Jericho as well. Zayn tries a tornado DDT off the top but Jericho somehow counters it into the Walls of Jericho!
Sami crawls to the ropes and forces the break. Jericho distracts the referee while Owens superkicks Sami in the face while Zayn is draping over the bottom rope. Zayn turns into a Codebreaker and Jericho wins in 10:00.
Winner is Jericho
Would have liked to seen this saved for Fastlane.
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* To the Banks Statement. Sasha Banks is in physical therapy with a trainer to take care of her knee. Charlotte strolls in to gloat about Sasha’s injury while Charlotte continues to defend her title. Charlotte shits all over Banks who doesn’t even get a line to respond. How fucking shitty. They don’t even let Banks speak? She just talked down to like a bitch and told she’s shit an that she’s done and then she doesn’t even respond? How the fuck is that realistic. Fucking garbage.
* To the Aries. We have Austin Aries in the ring to interview the Cruiserweight Champion, Neville. We’re told Rich Swann suffered an ankle injury last week. Aries has more news. Tomorrow on 205 Live. It’s TJ Perkins, Tone Nese, Cedric Alexander, Noam Dar, and Jack Gallagher in a Fatal Five Way tomorrow. The winner meets Neville at Fastlane. Aries asks Neville which one scares him the most. Nobody scares Neville, dammit.
Cedric Alexander interrupts. Crowd doesn’t make a fucking noise. Noam Dar is next. Still not a peep from the fans. Jack Gallagher gets a pop, and deservely so. He has his umbrella, William III with him. Tony Nese follows. And last, and also least is TJ Perkins. The crowd does not want to see this. This quickly leads to a brawl between everyone in the match. The ring clears and it leaves Gallagher and Neville in the ring. Gallagher sends Neville to the floor. All the cruisers start to dive out onto each other. With all the cruisers down, Neville plays up that he’s going to dive out onto all of them. Neville starts to sprint towards them and then puts on the brakes. FUCK YOU FANS! HEELS DON’T DIVE! Stupid WWE Universe.
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- EMMALINA IS COMING TO RAW. NEXT WEEK! COME BABY COME.
–TJ PERKINS / JACK GALLAGHER / CEDRIC ALEXANDER
VS.
NEVILLE / TONY NESE / NOAM DAR
This match was made during the break and joined in progress. Gallagher is taking a beating. Gallagher cracks Nese with a head butt Hot tag to Perkins and Dar. Perkins takes out Dar, Noam wants to tag in Neville but Neville walks out and leaves his team. Cedric comes in with a Lumbar Check on Dar for the win in 5:15.
* To the Jeri-KO. Jericho says they need to show how great the bond is between the two. Jericho announces the ‘Festival of Friendship’ for next week on Raw. The biggest celebration in WWE history.
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– ROMAN REIGNS VS. SAMOA JOE –
So we have Samoa Joe vs. a Samoan named Joe.
We go to the ring and out comes Roman Reigns for tonight’s main event. Reigns makes his way down the ramp when Samoa Joe attacks from behind. Joe beats Reigns at ringside and sends him into the barrier. Joe drops Reigns with a clothesline and drives Reigns into the apron as the referee looks on from the ring. Joe continues the beat down on Reigns and sends Reigns into the ring post. Joe with a senton on the floor and we go to commercial.
Raw rolls on. And the match is just now starting! The bell finally sounds. Joe unloads and beats Reigns down in the corner. Reigns fights back and sends Joe outside. Reigns follows and launches Joe into the barrier. Reigns brings it back into the ring and goes to work on Joe in the corner. Joe turns it around in the opposite corner and drops Reigns with a stiff kick. Reigns eats chops from Joe. Reigns fires right back with right hands. Joe cuts him off with an elbow to the face. Joe with a chop to the neck, kicks and an elbow drop for a 2 count. Joe keeps control and works Reigns around the ring. Joe keeps Reigns down with a knee to the spine now.
Reigns looks to make another comeback now. They trade shots in the middle of the ring. Reigns with strikes and headbutts. Reigns with a big clothesline off the ropes. More back and forth. Joe drops Reigns and hits another senton for a 2 count. Reigns catches Joe with a Samoan Drop out of nowhere an gets a 2 count.
Reigns readies for a Superman punch but Joe rolls to the floor. Reigns runs around and hits the Drive By right into Joe’s chin. Reigns rolls Joe back into the ring and nails a Superman punch. Just then, music hits and out comes Braun Strowman!
Braun trucks to the ring but Reigns nails him on the apron with a big right hand. Braun no sells it and stares at Reigns. Reigns with a Superman punch to knock Braun off the apron. Joe with a kick from behind to Reigns. Joe ends up catching Reigns in a spinning Uranage for the pin in 10:15.
Winner is Samoa Joe
After the match, Braun looks on from ringside as Joe stands tall. We go to replays. Braun enters the ring and scoops Reigns for the running powerslam.
Braun sends Reigns to the floor but Reigns fights back. Braun drops him with one big blow to the chest. Strowman takes apart the steel steps and waits for Reigns to get up. Braun runs and cracks Reigns in the face with the steps.
Braun yells and tosses the steps before going back after Reigns. Braun scoops Reigns and hits a big running powerslam through the barrier! Damn
Referees check on Reigns and warn Braun to back off as RAW goes off the air.
