THE WWE RAW REPORT
MARCH 20, 2017
THE BARCLAYS CENTER – BROOKLYN, NY
It’s the RAW before the RAW before Mania. Rumor has it Taker is in the building, Brock Lesnar is scheduled, Paige is stanky, Reigns vs. Strowman headlines tonight, and frickin Jim Cornette is headed to the Hall of Fame induct the Rock & Rolls. Pretty interesting day so far. Hoping Vince’s bullshit booking doesn’t ruin tonight’s show.
* Tonight’s show kicks off with a video package of last week’s Mick Foley / Triple H / Seth Rollins segment.
– MICK FOLEY / STEPHANIE / SAMI ZAYN PROMO –
Mick Foley enters the ring and reads off a pre-written script that forces him to apologize and praise Stephanie & Trips. For the “good of WWE” Foley is taking a leave of absence.
Foley then gets pissed and throws down the cue cards. He snaps and begins to shit on Steph and Trips for treating him like shit after 3 years in the business. He doesn’t get far before his microphone is cut off and bitch Steph comes to the ring.
Stephanie shits on Foley for being given the opportunity to step down humbly but he ruined it. She shits on Mick for always forgetting his lines and says he’s here for popularity and not for the fans. Bitch Steph gives the old “You’rrrrrre Fiiiired” line.
Sami Zayn to the rescue. He informs Bitch Steph that she’s wrong pretty often but nobody has the balls to tell her. Apparently, Zayn has the balls? Fans chant CM PUNK loudly. He questions Steph’s integrity.
Steph says Zayn is not on the level to be in this segment, he’s not even t the level to speak to her. She offers to ply his Ska music s he leaves. Foley tries to talk Sami into leaving. He doesn’t budge.
Here comes Samoa Joe.
Steph banishes Foley and books Joe vs. Zayn, right now.
Sami dives out onto Joe with a somersault plancha, and the ass takes a face bump. What an ass, and Raw goes to commercial.
– SAMI ZAYN VS. SAMOA JOE –
So we have this match again. Match is in progress with Joe throwing knees at Zayn. Sami tries a Blue Thunder Bomb but Joe is too fat. Joe with elbows, and kicks, and his shitty jabs. Zayn dropkicks Joe, but Joe barely moves. What is he, fucking Earthquake? Joe with a snap powerslam gets him a near fall. Joe looking for the Muscle Buster, Zayn blocks, and an enzuigiri kicks Zayn off the ropes to the floor. Samoa Joe with a suicide diving forearm to the floor. Zayn once again plays jobber as Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Joe with a surfboard stretch. Zayn flips and kicks his way free. Joe with another enzuigiri in the corner. Zayn sent into the post. Squash city. Sami just beats the count of 10 back inside. Zayn finally drops Joe for the first time with a clothesline. Only took 10 minutes. Top rope cross body on Joe gets 2. Joe blocks a suicide dive and they go to the floor. Zayn reverses and Joe goes into the ring post. Zayn does the dive through the ropes into the Tornado DDT outside.
Sami charges with the Helluva Kick but Joe catches him with a Urinage and the Coquina Clutch finishes things after 12:00.
Winner once again is Samoa Joe
* Apparently, throughout the night we will be seeing clips of the Reigns/Strowman feud. Boy howdy.
* To the Holy Foley and Jobber Zayn. Foley appreciates what Sami did, but says it was stupid. Zayn is sad to see Foley go. They have a handshake and Foley goes on his way. He gives Cesaro and Sheamus hug. They thank him for giving them a chance and believing in them. He passes by and wishes some Cruiserweights well. Foley runs into Bayley for a wait for it….. HUG. Foley then turns into………… TRIPLE H. Trips smiles and tells Mick to “Have A Nice Day” before walking off.
– SETH ROLLINS INJURY UPDATE –
Michael Cole speaks with Seth’s Physical Therapist Kevin Wilk. He says Seth is doing miraculously well, but it will take months before Rollins is ready to compete. No doctor in the world will clear Seth for Mania, but that doesn’t men he won’t be there. Well that was an enlightening interview that went nowhere.
– CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. DANA BROOKE –
I was hoping with her face turn that they’d finally let Brooke unleash her puppies. Instead, she’s covered up even more than usual. Charlotte runs away to start, then Brooke takes control. Loud “We Want Paige” chants begin as Dana bores the fans. Charlotte hits one big boot and somehow wins in 4:00. How the fuck was that the finish? At least it’s over. That was pretty ugly.
Winner is Charlotte
* To the Bitch Steph in the back. She teases Bayley and asks her if she wants a hug. Bayley declines. Bayley informs Steph that she’s let her down as a woman in power. Steph gets pissed so she books Bayley vs. Nia Jax tonight in a NO DQ Match. And if Nia wins, Jax joins the match at Mania and makes it a Fatal Four Way. No. Please, please, please. No.
– CHRIS JERICHO’S HIGHLIGHT REEL WITH “THE REAL” KEVIN OWENS –
Jericho plays up the fans. He doesn’t need Owens as a friend because all the fans are his friends. Chris shows a picture of a teenage Kevin Owens from 2000 wearing a Y2J shirt and doing the Jericho pose. He calls him a mark. HAHA.
Jericho then shows a conversation he had with KO via DM on Twitter from 2014 when Owens was asking for advice as he got hired to NXT. KO is a stupid idiot and he just made the list.
Out comes Samoa Joe, but it’s just a distraction so that KO can attack Jericho from behind. Owens is rocking his WrestleMnnia 2 shirt again as he lays out Jericho and eats his list.
– TJ PERKINS VS. THE BRIAN KENDRICK –
Why is this shit happening? Doesn’t Vince realize there are other fucking Cruisers? Kendrick fakes a handshake to start, but its TJP who sends Brian outside and connects with a Wrecking Ball dropkick to Kendrick’s mouth. Top rope cross body gets 2 for Perkins. Brian escapes a Detonation Kick and shoves TJP into the ref. Perkins stops short of hitting the referee but the distraction allows Kendrick to connect with Sliced Bread #2 in 1:30.
Winner is Kendrick
* Kendrick calls out Tozawa after the match. But Tozawa isn’t there. Kendrick reveals he has stolen Tozawa’s passport and now Tozawa is stuck in Japan. How fucking lame is that. Who the fuck books shit like that in 2017? Retire fucking Vince. Just go away.
* Half way through the show and has anyone realized there has only been one fucking segment dedicated to promoting a WrestleMania match? Just what the fuck?
* To the Reigns. Charly Caruso interviews Roman Reigns. He says he will put Taker flat on his back at Mania, and he will take out Strowman tonight. This is Roman’s yard. Puke. Barf. Fuck balls.
* A look at Goldberg. The Universal Champ isn’t here so let’s just play a video about him.
* To the Olive Loaf Curtains. Nia Jax waddles her way down the hall for action.
* To the Bitch Steph who runs into Cesaro & Sheamus. She informs them that they need to earn their shot at Mania all over again. Tonight they face Enzo, Cass, Gallows, and Anderson in a 4 on 2 match. And if they lose, they’re out of Mania. What a khunt. Speaking of khunts, here comes Queen Khunt. No, not Bayley.
– NO DQ: WOMEN’S CHAMPION BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –
So this is non-title, No DQ. If Nia wins she gets into the Mania match. Please lose. And I think it’s possible since if Sasha helped Bayley win here it accomplishes many things, including Sasha making sure Jax isn’t in the match. Which makes her my hero, or heroin. Bayley tries a sleeper early in the match but she’s snapped off by Jax. Charlotte and Sasha are both shown watching in the back from different dressing rooms. Jax begins to pummel on Bayley on the floor. Nia dominates but Bayley sends her into the steps and Raw takes a break.
Raw rolls on. Jax controls with a chinlock after an apparent Snake Eyes in the corner. Shoulder breaker gets 2 on on Bayley. Cobra Clutch applied. Bayley fights free and slaps Jax. That just pisses the large mass of goo off and she slings Bayley around on the floor into the barricades repeatedly. Nia grabs a chair but Bayley kicks it away. Bayley fights back and Nia takes a shitty bump for 2. More shitty bumps by Jax and the crowd is chanting for everyone and everything except this match. Bayley gets dropped neck first on the top buckle and Jax lands a Samoan Drop for the win in 11:00. FUuuuuuck me. Nia Jax goes to Mania. You fucking sow.
Winner is Fat Back
* Random thought. What happened to Samoa Joe making his Mania intentions known?
– TRIPLE H INTERVIEW –
In the ring, Michael Cole brings out Trips. Fans try and chant CM PUNK over Trips but he just keeps talking. These fans are fucking annoying tonight. Triple H begins shitting on Rollins for listening to the fans. Trips asks how many times that the fans have ruined Mick Foley’s life. H brings up last week and asks for the footage to be played of Trips taking out Rollins. No hard feelings, Trips gives Cole a couple of tickets to give to Seth Rollins for Mania.
Trips takes the tickets back. He decides he could make there a way for him and Trips to fight after all at Mania. He offers to create a contract for a non-sanctioned match at Mania so WWE isn’t held liable. He invites Rollins to show up next week to sign said contract.
– CESARO & SHEAMUS VS. ENZO, CASS, GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
It’s 2 vs. 4 in a handicap match, and Cesaro and Sheamus must win here to remain part of the Tag Team Title match at Mania. Gallows and Anderson actually attack Enzo & Cass before the match and leave them lying outside. Cass yanks Gallows off the apron shortly after that and Anderson eats the Brogue Kick Heart Attack. This thing didn’t last a minute.
Winners re Shemus & Cesro
Post match, Cass with a Big Boot sends Gallows off the apron and the Enzo Rocket Launcher on Anderson. Sheamus and Cesaro remain on the Mania card.
* To the New Day. Yes, Xavier too. Both Kofi and Big E are looking at Woods funny and ask him if he has anything he’d like to say. HAH. Fans chant for Paige or some shit. They don’t get a live crowd segment, gee I wonder why. They spend a minute promoting some of the matches at Mania. That’s it. At least it was short.
– AUSTIN ARIES VS. TONY NESE –
Back and forth hard hitting. Aries cartwheels around a backdrop and boxes the ears of Tony. Nese gets backdropped to the floor. Insane suicide dive by Aries. Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Nese with a Torture Rack. Austin finally breaks free but runs into an elbow. Nese misses a second rope moonsault. Austin with a neckbreaker cross the middle rope and Austin takes over. Facebuster into an STO. Pendulum Elbow drop. Rolling Senton by Aries. Missile Dropkick connects. Roaring elbow, now called the “Discus Fivearm” ends it in 7:00.
Winner is Aries
* To the King. Neville comes out onto the stage. Austin Aries begins to speak but Neville cuts him off. Neville says that they will wait until WrestleMania. Austin Aries calls Neville’s promo terrible. He says Neville knows that Aries is above his level. At Mania Neville’s dream world of being King of the Cruiserweights will be over.
* EMMA is coming soon. I’m over it. Either get nekkid on my bed or wrestle or just go.
* Even though they have once again paid Brock Lesnar to come to the arena, we get a fucking video instead of a live segment.
* To the Strow-man. Braun tells Charly that Reigns need not worry bout the Undertaker because he’s taking Roman out tonight. Belee That.
– ROMAN REIGNS VS. BRAUN STROWMAN –
It’s 11pm. Smackdown goes off promptly at 10 but this shit doesn’t even start until after 11. How is that fair? Strowman dominates right away, he dodges a Drive By with a clothesline. Spinebuster gets 2 on Reigns. More beat down. Roman fights his way out of chinlock and hits some clothesline, but Braun takes him back down. Crowd chants for Taker.
Braun misses a shoulder in the corner. Reigns also escapes a chokeslam. Samoan Drop by Reigns and Strowman goes to the floor. Drive By on Braun. Strowman takes right back over and throws the steel steps into the ring. Superman Punch by Reigns drops Braun to a knee. Strowman catches a second Punch, but Reigns gets thrown into the air and connects with a second Superman Punch.
Roman lines up for the spear, but there’s a GONG. The lights go out.
The lights come back on…………… UNDERTAKER IS IN THE RING between Reigns and Strowman. “Under-Taker” chants.
The referee just leaves the ring with no decision 9:00 in.
Strowman tries to attack, but Taker chokeslams him.
Taker turns around into a SPEAR from Reigns. Doucher.
Reigns leaves like he’s king shit. Crowd hates Reigns. The doucher.
Reigns starts to leave, but Taker sits up. Taker gives the slit throat taunt to Roman.
That’s all folks.