THE WWE RAW REPORT
MARCH 13, 2017
THE JOE LOUIS ARENA – DETROIT, MI
Start counting it down, T-Minus 3 weeks and counting. Only three Raws left to set up “the Grandest Stage of Them All”. WrestleMania is 20 days away my friends and things should continue to be interesting.
This also marks the final WWE event at the Joe Louis Arena. The Joe will be demolished later this year after completing of the fucking Little Caesars Arena. Ugh. I fucking hate these fucking Arena names that just pimp commercials. I know naming an arena after a shitty pizza place will make me want to buy it more.
* RIP “OUTLAW” RON BASS. WWE opens the show with a quick tribute to Ron Bass.
– BROCK LESNAR & PAUL HEYMAN SEGMENT –
We kick things off with the pair heading to the ring. Heyman talks about the damage Brock did to Goldberg last week. We’re shown video as a reminder. It’s been “Spear, Jackhammer, Goldberg” for months, but not last week. The Resurrection of Goldberg ends at WrestleMania. Brock will make the greatest comeback of all time.
Michael Cole plays up how taking an F5 can mess with the psyche of a man.
* To the Holy Foley & Bitch Steph. Backstage, Steph apologizes to Foley about her behavior over the last few weeks. Steph wants to teach Foley if he wants to learn. Foley says he wants to learn. Tonight, Steph tells Foley to find someone on the roster he wants to fire in order to teach him how to do his job properly and elevate the rest of the roster. Foley reluctantly agrees to do it. This would have much more meaning if the wrestlers didn’t have Smackdown as an option rather than just getting “fired”.
– SASHA BANKS (w/BAYLEY) VS. DANA BROOKE (w/CHARLOTTE) –
They’re still selling the Mania match as a Triple Threat so maybe fat bags Nia Jax won’t be in the match after all. We can hope. Brooke starts off on offense, but Banks is back quick with the rolling cradle win in under a minute.
Winner is Sasha Banks
After the match, Charlotte calls Dana a disgrace and says she doesn’t deserve to be by her side. She’s getting rid of Brooke. Dana has enough and she attacks Charlotte before she can keep belittling her. Brooke works over Charlotte in the ring and on the floor. Hair pulling ensues. Charlotte finally gets away and the crowd with a loud DANA chant. Wow, that’s a new one.
The match was nothing more than a way to get to the post match angle. Looks like they’re trying to create a new face for when Banks goes heel. Looks like Brooke could also possibly replace Jax in the Mania match? I’m fine with that. Jax obviously has the better character “look” but she’s just awful when the bell sounds.
* Former Rutgers Football player Eric LeGrand into the WWE Hall of Fame “Warrior Award” Wing. Eric was paralyzed from the neck down during a game, I believe that was 2010.
* Looks like it’s Jericho & Zayn vs. Owens & Samoa Joe for later tonight.
– AKIRA TOZAWA & TJ PERKINS VS. THE BRIAN KENDRICK & TONY NESE –
Austin Aires will make his WWE debut tonight, so Byron Saxton remains on commentary. Well that fucking sucks. Some decent cruiser stuff just gets going. Tozawa suicide headbutt dive on Kendrick. Perkins flying rana off the apron onto Nese. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Tozawa in peril. Kendrick drags TJ off the apron to stop a hot tag by Tozawa. One of these 4 men, or Aries, will go to Mania to wrestle Neville after a Fatal 5 Way tomorrow night on 205 Live. Finally a hot tag to Perkins. Sprinboard cross body on Nese, and the Misterio bulldog for 2. Kendrick distracts and Nese clotheslines TJ’s head off. Nese misses a corner charge, Perkins with a springboard DDT but Kendrick breaks up the cover.
Kendrick interferes again but Tow with an enuigiri sends Kendrick to the floor. Neese dumps Tow to the floor. Perkins is distracted nd Nese rolls him up to get the win in 8:00.
Winners are Nese & Kendrick
* To the Charly tits. Charly Caruso is standing by with WWE Tag Team Champions Gallows & Anderson, wondering if they have a preference for Mania opponents, Enzo & Cass or Cesaro & Sheamus. They have no preference, they should be in the spotlight tonight. They’re going to take their spotlight tonight since nobody is giving it to them.
* To the KO. Owens is on his way out for tag action.
– KEVIN OWENS PROMO –
Owens is rocking a fucking WRESTLEMANIA 2 SHIRT, with KO duct taped over the word Wrestle. LMAO. So awesome. Video of the turn on Jericho is played. KO says he turned on Jericho before Jericho could turn on him. Neither of them were really friends, they both wanted the Universal Title. Who needs a friend when you can have a Destroyer. Out comes Samoa Joe for action next.
– CHRIS JERICHO & SAMI ZAYN VS. KEVIN OWENS & SAMOA JOE –
I truly hope the story of this next match is KO avoiding Jericho all match. They shouldn’t be touching anymore ’til Mania. Jericho & Joe start, Jericho gets the better and tags in Zayn. Sami headscissors sends fat Joe off to the side. Joe comes back with the pele like kick in the corner. Now KO tags in for the first time to work over Zayn and mocks Jericho from afar. Jericho gets distracted and KO knocks him off the apron. Zayn sends both heels to the floor and lands a somersault dive out to the floor on both KO and Joe.
Zayn starts to favor his right knee after the dive. Back in the ring KO chop blocks Zayn’s knee. Heels begin to double team Zayn. Coquina Clutch on Sami while KO stomps. DQ called in 6:00.
Winners by DQ are Jericho & Zayn
Jericho makes the save on Sami and fights off both heels, but the heels come back with a double team and KO lays Jericho out with a powerbomb. Crowd chanting and expecting Finn Balor but get nothing.
* To the Foley & Steph. Foley has a clipboard with a list of names. He must fire somebody on this clipboard at the end of tonight. Stephanie offers to help him. How much do you want to bet he fires Stephanie, since her name is probably in the header of the paper.
Oh FUUUCK ME. Here’s the fat KHUNT Nia Jax to ruin everything. She wants in the Mania match for the Women’s Title. Steph gives her the chance if she can beat Bayley tonight.
Well, FUCK. Fuck you, you fucking lard ass, no talent, sloppy droopy fat, Chyna sounding, uncoordinated, poor balance, olive loaf for pussy lips having KHUNT.
* To the Holy Foley. Jinder Mahal confronts Foley and wants to prove himself tonight to keep his job. He shouldn’t be fired. Jinder gets Roman Reigns tonight. They should have been running these segments all night with guys worrying about their job, but this is just the first time.
* To the New Day. Thank God they only have a backstage segment this week. Their guest this week is Big Show. They announce that Show is in the Andre Battle Royal. So much for Shaq. From a Shaq match to the fucking Battle Royal. All that working out for nothing. I bet Show is PISSED. New Day talk to Show about his new WWE/Jetsons Cartoon movie.
Titus O’Neil interrupts. Titus is upset he’s not in the Jetsons movie. He shoves Big Show and pisses him right off.
– ENZO & BIG CASS VS. CESARO & SHEAMUS –
Winners go on to WrestleMania to meet Gallows & Anderson for the titles. Enzo and Cass do their routine before the match. Cesaro is right on Cass, but Cass fights back with a side slam. Gallows & Anderson are watching from the back. Sheamus with a running knee but then runs into a slam from Cass. Cass then slams Enzo on top of Sheamus. All four men are in the ring to argue and Raw heads to break.
Raw rolls on with Enzo getting his ass beat. The champs are still watching backstage. Enzuigiri on Cesaro and Enzo tags to Cass. Fall Away slam on Cesaro. Stinger Splash. A second fall away slam. A second Stinger Splash. Big BOOT to Cesaro but Sheamus blind tags in. Big Boot sends Sheamus off the apron and Cass flies over with him.
Anderson and Gallows show up at ringside and attack both teams. Double DQ in 8:00.
The Results is a Double DQ
Gallows & Anderson meticulously take out all four men, one at a time. They got their spotlight. They also got a Triple Threat match at Mania.
* To the Foley, Gallows & Anderson. Since there were no winners in the previous match the champs think they don’t have opponents for Mania. Foley explains it’s the opposite. They’re now in a Triple Threat. The never ending card continues to grow.
– ROMAN REIGNS VS. JINDER MAHAL –
Reigns is set to meet Taker at Mania. Jinder is set for the Battle Royal I’d imagine. “Under-taker” chants start immediately. Reigns works Jinder over for a minute when there’s a GONG. Oooh, mind games. The gong distracts Reigns and Mahal takes over with a flying knee. Crowd going nuts for Jinder on near falls. HAH. Everybody hates Reigns. Roman finally retaliates with a Superman Punch. Reigns is so pissed he hits a second one. He pins Mahal without a spear in 2:30.
Winner is Reigns.
Looks like Roman has something to say. He’s not messing round tonight. He challenges Taker to come out to the ring right now like a man!
Raw goes to an abrupt commercial. Oh shit! The suspense! The drama. It must be Mania season.
– ROMAN REIGNS CALLS OUT THE UNDERTAKER, BUT GETS HBK –
Back from the break, Reigns is waiting for Taker, but he gets………. HBK!
Shawn Michaels to the ring. Reigns says he’s happy to see HBK, but he called out Taker. Shawn explains that Roman isn’t focused for Taker at Mania, Taker is in Reigns’ head and Taker will eat him alive. Roman with a very heel like promo. HBK acknowledges that this is Roman’s yard now, but Roman needs to acknowledge that Shawn is Mr. Wrestle-frickin-Mania. Roman needs to listen. Shawn is on Roman’s side.
Reigns appreciates the advice, but Shawn couldn’t bet Taker, Taker retired him. Awwww, snap. And now Reigns will retire Taker. Double snap!
Reigns walks off and leaves Shawn standing in the ring.
Reigns starts to walk up the ramp when Braun Strowman comes BULLDOZING down the ramp and PLOWS Reigns off the ramp and into the barricade. Bad ass,
Crowd chants “Thank You Strowman. HAHA!
Officials checking on Reigns and he sells his arm.
While Roman slowly gets up the fans chant “HBK” and give a shit less about Reigns. MWAHAHAHAHA!
* To Bitch Steph & Foley. Mick wants Steph to reconsider firing someone. He doesn’t want to do it. Steph says if Foley doesn’t fire someone, then she will, and alludes to it being Foley. Foley has one hour to make his decision.
– AUSTIN ARIES VS. ARIYA DAIVARI –
Aries playing the default face is interesting. Daivari gets the typical heel offense and a near fall. Daivari starts clawing at the injured eye of Aries. Austin comes back with a nasty chop, the chest breaker, and the spinning elbow drop. Aries suicide dive under the middle rope. Shin breaker into a back suplex but Daivari takes is all fucked up. HOLY SHIT, Daivari takes a stupid bump and looks like he could have separated a shoulder or broke his fucking neck. He’s lucky as fuck. Roaring elbow ends it in 4:00.
Winner is Aries
Neville watches from backstage.
* Emma is returning. Still. Corey Graves asks if we’re seriously doing this again. Reminds me of Glacier’s return to WCW. Don’t remember it? You’re better for it.
– THE BIG SHOW VS. TITUS O’NEIL –
Show is still fucking pissed from earlier. But really he’s just pissed Shaq is a fuck nugget. Take that aggression out on the next available black man, I suppose. Show dominates, Titus does drop him with a big boot, but Show comes right back with a Chokeslam. Maker that TWO Chokeslams. Make that THREE chokeslams. Show wins in just over 2:30.
Winner is Show
Show points to the Mania sign and leaves pissed off. Looks legit. I’d be fucking pissed too.
* To the Bayley/Banks. They’re talking about Nia Jax. Bayley is worried, Sasha says Nia is beatable. Banks then continues her heel turn by reminding Bayley about the haters who say she doesn’t deserve the title because of the way she won it.
* To the Jericho. Chris is going to get the “Revenge of Jericho” at Mania. Next week on a special edition of the Highlight Reel, Jericho will interview “The Real Kevin Owens”. He calls the new announcer Mike Rome “Tom Phillips” and takes a jab at Phillips recent Twitter fiasco.
– WOMEN’S CHAMPION BAYLEY VS. NIA JAX –
Non-title match but I presume a chance to join the WrestleMania match is on the line for olive load khunt here. Jax works over Bayley. Bayley kicks at her head. Jax flips the steel steps over for no apparent reason and Raw takes a commercial.
Raw rolls on. Jax has Bayley in a backbreaker submission after hitting a shitty ass spinebuster when she doesn’t even fall with it. Bayley escapes with a jawbreaker. Jax misses a kick and gets her foot caught in the ropes. Bayley goes after Jax’s leg. Bayley with a Stone Cold Stunner on the middle rope. Jax catches a cross body and tries a Samoan drop that doesn’t work out. Nia hooks a berhug and drives Bayley into the buckles. Corner splash. Jax stomps Bayley down and dismantles her, getting DQ’d after 8:00.
Winner by DQ is Bayley
Jax ties Bayley in the tree of woe but the referee blocks further damage in the ring. Nia takes Bayley outside and flings her into the barricade before leaving.
Shitty. Get your olive loaf flappy curtain poo nanners off my TV set. Fuck you Nia Jax you better not go to Mania and ruin the match you pile of seeping sopping melty lard.
* Holy Foley is next!
* Next week on Raw, it’s Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman.
– WHO WILL MICK FOLEY FIRE??? –
The time has come. Mick must make up his mind. He must fire someone listed on the clipboard or possibly risk being fired himself. Bitch Steph in the ring. Mickles obviously to the ring as well. Mick hobbles out trepidatiously.
Mick thought this was just a test but sees that it is not. Foley finally found a member to fire in the last 10 minutes. He says firing this person will make Raw more enjoyable.
Foley announces that it’s…… STEPHANIE MCMAHON
Wow, did I call that shit 3 hours ago or what?
Steph says that’s not possible. Foley says she’s the only one that deserves to go. Foley treasured their friendship of 18 years but Foley has realized Steph is a really good liar, and a really bad person, and she needs to go. He runs down Steph and Triple H and what they do.
Here comes Triple H. Bitch Steph sneers. Trips tells Foley to talk to his face. Foley says Trips hides in the shadows. Trips has business sense, and he doesn’t want to be sued for ripping Mick’s hip replacement needed legs off. Foley wonders if Trips would do it or send Samoa Joe.
HHH mocks Foley’s cheap pops and makes fun of his hips. Classy. Trips is a creator of new stars because he doesn’t want to look at has beens like Mick anymore. GIGANTIC CM PUNK CHANTS. HHH talks over it. HAHA!
Trips continues to run down Mick, but Foley fires back. Foley doesn’t need this company to survive and he doesn’t have to pretend to like Trips. Triple H threatens to fire Dewey (Foley’s son) who apparently works at WWE HQ. He also threatens never to give Noelle Foley a job. He says Foley is selfish if he doesn’t want to do what’s best for his kids.
Trips sends Foley away and tells him to have an epiphany to return and do his job properly and listen to Stephanie like a MONKEY. Trips demands Foley to leave. Mick teases walking off but PULLS OUT MR. SOCKO!!!!!
SOCKO ON TRIPLE H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOW BLOW BY STEPHANIE
Foley goes down. Trips takes his suit jacket off. HHH comes after Foley when…
Seth Rollins is here
Rollins heads down to ringside on a crutch.
Seth gets to ringside. Rollins DROPS THE CRUTCH!
Seth hits the ring!
They trade shots. Rollins getting the better. Superkick to Trips ribs and flying knee sends HHH to the floor.
Rollins is pretty over here. More over than he’s been in months.
Triple H returns with the crutch. Rollins gets the better of him again momentarily. Triple H cracks Seth in the knee with the crutch. Triple H locks in a reverse Figure Four / Indian death lock type maneuver on Rollins. They act as if he broke Seth’s leg all over again. Well fuck. Is he missing Mania again?
Another crutch shot to the bad knee.
Get a guy over finally. Get some heat for the match finally. And then this shit.
Triple H putting himself over to end Raw.