THE WWE RAW REPORT
APRIL 10, 2017
THE NEW COLISEUM – UNIONDALE, NY
Superstar shake-up time. We already know Apollo Crews has joined the Raw brand. What a catch. If he ever wants any type of push he better drop down to 205 in a hurry. Let’s see what else shakes down, or “shakes up” as the show unfolds.
And John Cena’s music hits. Out comes…….
– THE MIZ & MARYSE / DEAN AMBROSE SEGMENT –
Miz and Maryse come out dressed as John Cena and Nikki Bella. Apparently the Miz got over on Smackdown so of course he gets moved to Raw. Bullshit move #1 by Vince. They continue mocking Cena & Nikki as a promo.
They’re interrupted by…..
DEAN AMBROSE TOO???????? WHAT THE FUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dean Ambrose to Raw. Just WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK YOU VINCE. So now the IC Title is also on Raw.
Ambrose comes out and talks to Miz like he is really John Cena. Dean rips on Miz.
The Miz has to explain to Ambrose that they really aren’t Cena and Nikki. Maryse removes her wig. Miz removes his Cena hat.
Ambrose says, “Well in that case”, and hits a DIRTY DEEDS.
This was a big segment as far as introducing new Raw members, but it was a throw away that did little more than show off the “new” talent.
* To the Angle. Kurt Angle, that is. Sami Zayn interrupts a phone call to see if he is remaining on Raw. Angle admits that Smackdown is interested in Zayn. The Miz & Maryse interrupt. Angle books Zayn vs Miz tonight. Maybe Zayn wins the belt and goes to SD?
– NEW DAY VS. THE REVIVAL –
Kofi is MIA with a broken ankle or something at the hands of The Revival last week. Big E does have a blow up doll dressed up as Kofi. Woods and E look for revenge and dominate it early. Assisted wheelbarrow splash by Woods gets a 2 count. Distraction lets Revival take control just before the break.
Raw rolls on. Revival is wearing down Woods. Rolling forearm by Woods finally gives him enough time to hot tag out to E. A trio of belly to bellies and the big splash connects on Dash. Dawson with a sneaky cheap shot allows Dash to roll E up for a near fall.
Woods blind tags in and leaps 20 feet across the ring for a springboard elbow that on Dash for a near fall. New Day go for Midnight Hour, but Big E is dumped and Woods jumps into the SHATTER MACHINE and Woods lands on his FUCKING FACE and flips over onto his back from his face. Fucking nasty. Revival wins in 9:00.
Winners are the Revival
* To Charly’s boobs. She’s with Neville. Neville will face Austin Aries again. He says Aries isn’t on the Neville Level. TJ Perkins interrupts to boos from the fans.Perkins just looks like a douche bag. Perkins is going to shut Neville up or some shit. Neville says Perkins will never get a title shot again and he needs to look at himself. He was the first Cruiser champion, and now he’s a joke. Neville claims he’s the only one who has respect for Perkins. Austin Aries joins in. He tells TJ that Neville is lying. Neville tells Perkins that only Neville has the power to give TJ another title shot. Umm ok? Aries asks Perkins if he’s buying into Neville’s con game. Perkins walks off. Aries peels a banana. For real.
* Oh sweet Jesus, Raw has Curt Hawkins. He says he’s the greatest get since the Louisiana Purchase. Where’s the welcome party? Here comes the welcome party.
– CURT HAWKINS VS. THE BIG SHOW –
OK, so apparently this is not a match. Big Show walks in, KNOCK OUT PUNCH drops Hawkins Show leaves. Other than a pin fall cover, this was a win for Show.
– AUSTIN ARIES VS. TJ PERKINS –
Neville joins for commentary. Perkins needs a character change. I don’t get his video game entrance. It has nothing to do with his character. Match is fine. Solid back and forth. Perkins misses a wrecking ball dropkick on the apron. Aries sends him to the floor. Aries with a top rope double axe handle to the floor. Aries taunts Neville, and that brings Neville to the ramp. Aries becomes distracted but beats the count back inside. Perkins uses this to score an inside cradle victory in 5:00.
Winner is Perkins
What shitty ass 50/50 booking.
Perkins then attacks Neville from behind. Detonation Kick to Austin and leaves him laying.
Crowd chants to Perkins “you still suck”.
* To the backstage. Rollins runs into Enzo and Cass. I have no idea what they’re talking about, but Seth is next to discuss his “future”.
– SETH ROLLINS / KURT ANGLE SEGMENT –
Seth with a heartfelt speech about making it through WrestleMania and he claims he has a lot left to settle on Raw. Seth still isn’t sure bout how his future will be handled because of what happened at Mania (they reply Steph going through table). He fears Steph will get healthy and come back and every week she will take it out on Rollins.
Seth teases taking the easy road and going to Smackdown, but he took the easy road once before and he’s not doing it gin. Rollins isn’t leaving Raw without a fight.
KURT ANGLE heads out to the ring. Kurt admits Steph wants Seth gone. But Kurt is here to put on the best show he can, and Kurt’s show has Seth Freakin’ Rollins. As long as Kurt is GM, Seth has a home on Raw. It’s damn true.
Samoa Joe attacks Rollins after the promo. Kurt Angle tries to break it up repeatedly. Rollins superkicks Joe in the face twice to send him to the floor. Joe wants at Seth but decides to back off for now.
* To Charly’s boobs again. She’s with Kevin Owens. KO mocks Chris Jericho being t home after being put through a table last week. KO is the U.S. Champion and the face of America. He’s the #1 contender on Raw. Charly points out Dean is IC Champ and here now also. Owens has choice words for Ambrose and reminds everyone that this is the KO Show.
– CHARLOTTE FLAIR VS. NIA JAX –
Announcers spend the entire match putting over Jax and making Charlotte sound washed up and in a slump. You can see what’s coming here. Jax no sells everything and hits Charlotte with a shoulder breaker, only she drops Charlotte’s fucking head on her fucking knee instead. For fucks sake. And THEN she drops Charlotte on her head on the mat too. Fuck you, garbage shit. Nia dominates. I think she fucked Charlotte up for real. Flair tries a sunset flip, sort of. Jax blocks it. Charlotte clips lard buckets leg. Natural Selection connects but Jax kicks out at 2.
Jax gets rammed into the ring post. Nia to the floor. Charlotte goes up for a Moonsault to the fucking floor. Jax doesn’t even catch her. Jax is so far back that Charlotte’s foot barely connects with Jax, both preventing Charlotte from being caught and preventing Charlotte from trying to land on her feet. Instead, she isn’t caught and she lands on her face. YOU SHITTY FUCKING FAT TUB OF LARD GOO FUCK FAT ASS GARBAGE PILE OF FAT SHIT LARD BUCKET GOO. FUCK YOU FUCK BAG SMELLY ROTTEN OLIVE LOAF KHUNT. You don’t belong in WWE.
Back in the ring Charlotte connects with a big boot for 2. Fat fuck barrel of garbage comes back with a Samoan drop for the win and Charlotte is off to Smackdown.
Winner is Shit Garbage Can
* To the Finn Balor. It’s a video of Balor spots and Finn doing a promo.
– FINN BALOR VS. JINDER MAHAL –
Balor with a little offense. They give Jinder a short run in control of the match, including legit fucking elbow to the side of Finn’s head. That was concussion worthy. Mahal was very stiff in this match, repeatedly hitting Balor in the head HARD more than once. Balor comes back with the Slingblade clothesline, shotgun dropkick, coup de grace ends this in 3:00.
Winner is Balor.
Lights cut out.
BRAY WYATT!!!!!!!! What the FUCK? Are you FUCKING serious? Get the fuck out of here. Rape mother fucking Smackdown why don’t you. FUCK THIS GARBAGE. Just cancel Smackdown. FUCK YOUUUU VINCE.
Bray puts over his House of Horrors match with Randy Orton which apparently now not only has an obvious conclusion, but means even less. Wyatt then warns Finn Balor to watch himself.
Fuck this shit.
* Heath Slater, Rhyno, Apollo Crews and Kalisto are announced as joining Raw. Does that leave 3 guys on the active Smackdown roster? Holy FUCK.
– SAMI ZAYN VS. THE MIZ –
Miz bails early, Zayn tries a dive but Miz puts Maryse in front. Sami holds up. Raw to commercial.
Raw rolls on. Miz with the chinlock of fondness. Zayn blocks a superplex and sends Miz off the ropes. Miz still manages a DDT for 2. Miz mocks Daniel Bryan, even though he’s on Raw now. YES Kicks. Zayn ducks the big one and connects with a Blue Thunder Bomb for a near fall. Maryse pulls Miz out of the way of a Helluva Kick. Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Sami counters into a victory roll up for the win in 8:30.
Winner is Zayn
– ROMAN REIGNS / BRAUN STROWMAN SEGMENT –
Michael Cole has a sit down interview with Roman Reigns backstage. Reigns did what he had to do and it’s his yard now. Braun Strowman attacks. Strowman throws Reigns over some shit and through a table. HAH. Then rams Reigns repeatedly into a garage door. Powerslam on a crate. You just know Roman is Smackdown bound based on the way he’s being buried here. Strowman bowls a crate into Reigns’ body and face.
After Reigns is put on a stretcher, fans chant “Thank you Strowman” and “You deserve it”. People hate him.
Strowman steals the stretcher. With Reigns supposedly tied down, BRAUN PUSHES THE STRETCHER OFF A CONCRETE DELIVERY RAMP to the concrete parking lot. Now Reigns needs an Undertaker. Nevermind the fact that when he pushes the stretcher off the ramp it goes FLYING like it’s weightless and lands 20 feet away, then when they cut to Reigns laying there it’s about 6 feet away. HAH
They load Roman into an ambulance…. BUT STROWMAN ISN’T DONE!
Braun jumps into the ambulance, pounds on Reigns. Strowman then LIFTS THE FUCKING AMBULANCE AND TURNS IT ON IT’S SIDE. It’s almost effortless, like something off camera is jacking it up. Wink and nod.
OH GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. Strowman tips the ambulance over. Come on Vince. Fuck me. There’s a line you can cross of suspended disbelief, and that’s right here.
Just a little over the top. Yet another failed attempt to get sympathy for Reigns as the fans applaud.
* To the Ambulance. Roman Reigns is being placed into a new ambulance. I wonder what Vince spent on destroying the other one. Reigns is off to the hospital. The fans chant “Hey Hey Goodbye” to Reigns. HAHAHA
* TO THE DRIFTER FROM NXT, he is randomly walking around the arena. What the fuck? Even HE goes to Raw?
– CESARO & SHEAMUS, THE HARDY BOYZ
SHINING STARS, GALLOWS & ANDERSON –
Cesaro and Sheamus are dominating early on, mainly on Karl Anderson. The heels end up on the floor quickly and Raw goes to commercial.
Raw rolls on and the heels have Cesaro in their corner. Cesaro backdrops a star and tags to Matt Hardy. Matt does his old routine. Side Effect on Primo. Gallows stops a Twist of Fate on Epico. Everyone ends up on the floor. Jeff jumps off Matt’s back with a diving Swanton over the top rope to the floor onto everyone. One of the Stars eats a Swanton in the ring and the match is over in 7:00.
Winners are the Hardys, Cesaro, Sheamus
The two face teams shake hands after the match.
* To the EMMA. Emma is with Dana Brooke. Dana is reluctant to rejoin Emma as Emma is bossing her around. Brooke mocks “Emmalina”, which pisses Emma off. Dana admits she’s not the best, but she’s paying dues and learning how to get the job done on her own and she’s not going with Emma. Brooke leaves the locker room and Emma is pissed off. I’d like to help her release some of her stress. Now that Zack Ryder is out of the picture you can sit on my face slutty Emma.
– BAYLEY / SASHA BANKS / AND ??? / AND ??? –
This segment basically starts off with Sasha and Bayley kissing each other’s asses when they’re interrupted by…..
Yet another jump.
MICKIE JAMES JUMPS TOO
HOLY FUCK SHIT BALLS. JESUS.
Mickie is coming for the title, and settle things with Bliss.
NIA JAX mauls James from behind. Jax tosses the rest of the ladies except Bliss before she smashes Bayley and proclaims herself the next Women’s Champion.
Jax and Bliss cross paths on the ramp and Nia leaves her alone. Alexa smirks. What a great slutty heel Bliss is.
* To the Roman Report. He has suffered cracked ribs, “internal injuries”, and a POSSIBLE separated shoulder. Did they not confirm the shoulder injury but they know about internal issues? This is over doing it a little.
– IC CHAMPION DEAN AMBROSE VS. US CHAMPION KEVIN OWENS –
No title on the line here. Bragging rights I guess. Match starts with Ambrose getting the better of things both in and out of the ring. Owens with a few shots but the match is Dean’s right now. A plancha outside by Dean onto KO takes us to the final commercial break.
Raw rolls on with Owens wearing down Dean. Long beat down on Ambrose and Dean gets thrown to the floor. Owens throws Dean ribs first into the post. Gut buster in the ring gets 2 on Ambrose. KO tries a senton but lands on the knees of Dean. Owens charges at Ambrose but takes a fall to the floor. Suicide Dive by Ambrose. Back into the ring and Dean continues on the offense. KO blocks Dirty Deeds but Ambrose continues with the rest of his arsenal. Owens blocks a bulldog, Dean blocks the Cannonball and crotches KO on the top rope. Dean clotheslines KO off the top rope for 2.
Back to the floor, Ambrose dives out onto KO. Back in the ring, KO counters Dean’s flying attack with a superkick, and a cradle powerbomb for a near fall on Ambrose. Ambrose counters the pop up powerbomb with a rana. Owens blocks Dirty Deeds, then Ambrose blocks his own Dirty Deeds from KO. Dean finally connects with DIRTY DEEDS and gets the win in 13:00.
Winner is Ambrose
To the Jericho Chris Jericho’s music hits after the match. Jericho hits the ring, Owens swings and misses, Jericho connects the CODEBREAKER. KO is laid out with Jericho’s music playing to end Raw.
Does Smackdown even exist anymore?